Surf buddha Sam George guides readers of adult safe space website The Inertia to precipice of ecstasy by officially cancelling secret spots!

"I think you’d better know that my current motto here at the mag is..."

The sun rose in Southern California, this morning, with the region’s Subaru-driving 7S Superfish enthusiasts near ecstasy. Certainly there was reason for sads. Kelly Slater, a great hero even though he has recently allied with toxic male Kid Rock, has been forced into the elimination round at the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach with the end of an illustrious career one Connor O’Leary x Carlos Munoz loss away. And new favorite surf scribe Emily Morgan had been brutally disappeared by Surfer magazine’s new robot regime but a bright light still emanated in their very souls.

High vibrations.

For Buddha-like Sam George had, once more, dawned the door of surfing and outdoor enthusiasm’s safest space, The Inertia, in order to officially cancel secret spots.

Back in 2003 I got the call that just about every other surfer in the world dreamed of: an invitation to join the Quiksilver Crossing, and a berth on the Indies Trader as it made its way down the largely unknown coast of Nicaragua. Granted, I was editor of SURFER magazine at the time, yet it was still to be like no other surf trip I’d ever experienced. Not exploring a remote coast by boat — I’d been fortunate enough to do that a number of times before — but for being asked to sign a nondisclosure agreement before joining the ship.

“While the basic route is outlined,” read the project’s official website. “no specific references are given in regards to surf spots. Everyone connected with the project respects keeping known and unknown surf spots a mystery.”

Everyone but me. Seeing as how on my watch at the top of SURFER’s masthead, my editorial policy concerning exotic travel stories was to place the trip on a map without necessarily drawing a map, I took exception to this particular ethic.

“That sounds great,” I said, in discussion with Martin Daly, the eminently colorful and opinionated skipper of the Indies Trader. “You want us to reveal the place, promote the place to the benefit of Quiksilver’s brand, but not say where it is. I think you’d better know that my current motto here at the mag is, ‘Death To Secret Spots.’”

After the world’s most important explorer George owned Daly, the piece meanders sensually through a history of exclusion, un-chill behaviors, etc. and back to the preeminent guru’s original position that “secret spots” are bad but, and here’s the orgasm… he wants fellow safe spacers to weigh in. Wants to nestle their voice next to his.

Hit the comment section and let us know how you feel about constantly being shown sponsored surfers riding perfect, empty waves and not being told where they are. Are you inspired? Irritated? Indifferent? Here’s your chance to speak your mind, with your opinion perhaps being one of those featured in the upcoming ”Death To Secret Spots: Part 2”. So stay tuned.

Glory be.


"Get this guy sent home where he belongs," says Kelly Slater.

Surf world explodes and vengeance promised as Brazilian surfer beats hell out of talented female pro Sara Taylor in Bali and Kelly Slater doxxes alleged attacker, “Get this guy!”

“Why? That’s so ugly! People are crazy!” says Gabriel Medina.

The surfing world has exploded this morning after Sara Taylor, a stylish American goofyfooter currently on vacay in Bali, posted video of a Brazilian surfer attacking her ostensibly over a two-foot wave.

“After being dropped in on on my first wave, the guy’s friend punched me in the head and then after being confronted about hitting me, he attacked Charlie on the beach for filming him,” writes Taylor. “This is insane, does anyone know who they are?”

 

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A post shared by sara taylor (@salad_tray)

A who’s who from the surf and skate world, including world champion surfers Gabriel Medina and Mick Fanning, as well as skate icons Ed Templeton, Tony Alva, weighed in on the stoush. 

“What weak humans,” said Fanning. 

“Why? That’s so ugly! People are crazy!” wrote Medina. 

Following a post from the skater Nora Vasconcellos, Ed Templeton wrote, “Anyone know these dorks?”

And, Alva, “Lock ‘em up!” 

 

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A post shared by Nora Vasconcellos (@noravexplora)

Kelly Slater, meanwhile, doxxed the alleged attacker @jp_azevedosurf writing, “Get this guy sent home where he belongs.”

Thousands of other comments follow a similar theme with some, notably Brazilian surfers embarrassed by the incident, promising an imminent vengeance.


Open Thread: Comment Live, Day One of the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach where it’s finally time for surf fans to make animal noises!

Come watch Kelly Slater surf while you can!


"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore." Photo: World Surf League
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore." Photo: World Surf League

Economic anthropologists marvel as ticket prices for upcoming Surf Ranch Pro slashed by over 80% from inaugural run five years ago!

THE MOMENTUM IS REAL.

We live in wild times, this much is absolutely certain, what with ex-Presidents becoming indicated and/or indicted, staunchly unaligned Scandinavian countries lining up to join NATO, banks collapsing and inflation eating savings’ accounts like a hungry hungry hippo.

Yes, money around the world is worth less and less, able to buy fewer and fewer items for more and more dollars, pesos, lbs, euros, etc.

Less and less, fewer and fewer for more and more outside of the magical wooden gates surrounding Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch in Lemoore, California, that is, for there an economic miracle has occurred.

The first Surf Ranch Pro, you will certainly recall, kicked off in 2018. It was summer, if I recall. Gas cost around $2.50 a gallon, a loaf of bread enjoyed for $1.29, a shave and a haircut for two bits and the aforementioned Surf Ranch Pro could be taken in all weekend for $199 per person.

A smashing deal considering the amount of live professional surfing, music, Michelob Ultra that was on hand.

Alas, simpler times. Some might argue better.

But we can’t live in the past, no, we must play the hand that Jerome Powell, and global financial crises, have dealt us. Gas soaring to nearly $5.00 a gallon, bread touching that mark too (organic), shaves and haircuts both sacrificed so the children can eat but the Surf Ranch Pro?

Well, the Surf Ranch Pro 2023 weekend pass runs a mind-meltingly low $39.00 for adults, $19.50 for Groms.

An over 80% discount from five years ago.

A financial miracle.

Economic anthropologists are certainly studying this unicorn especially in light of the wild, unprecedented growth of professional surfing. “Record breaking revenue” through the roof, vectors out of control. Is the World Surf League providing such low low prices as a salve for weary masses? Some other kindhearted reason?

THE MOMENTUM IS REAL.


Surf great Kelly Slater continues assault on trans rights as Kid Rock shoots up case of Bud Light in protest of Tik Tok influencer: “Hahahaha. No words necessary!”

Stupid is as stupid likes.

Onetime rock rapper Kid Rock made much news, today, after pulling an assault rifle on three possibly innocent cases of beer and really letting them have it. At issue, Bud Light, maker of aforementioned beer, decided to give a trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney her own customized can as a one off gift along with, probably, monies to hold up a traditional can of the less-than-satisfying brew and saying sports things.

The campaign, lame like all influencer campaigns are, really made Kid Rock mad as he leveled an assault rifle then showed his middle finger to a cellular phone.

The world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater, never shy anywhere on social media, very much enjoyed the post, commenting, “Hahahaha. No words necessary.”

Whatever your position on trans social media influencers, aged rock rappers, beer violence, etc. can we all just agree that Kelly Slater is a dumb shit?

I think we can.

The great uniter!