Photo: Sports Illustrated. On stands May 18.

81-year-old Martha Stewart joins surf stars Anastasia Ashley, Malia Manuel, Caroline Marks as Sports Illustrated swimsuit pin-up!

Age but a number.

Few honors are as great, maybe, than that of gracing the cover and/or centerfold of the Sports Illustrated annual swimsuit edition. Oh women posing scantily clad may seem antiquated but it is also empowering, I think, and many surf stars have been empowered during the course of the magazine’s fifty-plus year run. Notables include Anastasia Ashley, Malia Manuel, Caroline Marks and Kelly Slater.

Well, the 81-year-old Martha Stewart has officially joined their ranks becoming the most senior person ever and wow.

“When I heard that I was going to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit, I thought, ‘Oh, that’s pretty good, I’m going to be the oldest person I think ever on a cover of Sports Illustrated.’ And I don’t think about age very much, but I thought that this is kind of historic.”

Historic is right.

Though lest you think the lifestyle guru and ex-con is merely a pretty face, Stewart is also an avid waterwoman being trained by none other than “King of the Sea” Laird Hamilton.

Back to Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition, though, which current crop of professional surfers would you like to see included?

Felipe Toledo?

Good choice.


Watch heart-scarring moment when freakishly aggressive tiger shark attacks innocent kayaker off surf-rich Oahu!

Shark rage.

There has been a spate of wild, unfortunate, sometimes deadly shark incidents, of late, and surfers around the world should certainly be put on notice. I am sure scientists have some sort of hypothesis, a reason why the ocean’s toothy beasts are going berserk and it may well have something to do with the tense political climate on land.

Then again, maybe not, but word has clearly passed amongst the apex predator that it is open season on humans, all humans, even those innocently enjoying a day of fishing off surf-rich Oahu.

But let us turn our attention to Scott Haraguchi who just so happened to be roughly a mile offshore in his fine yellow kayak, line in water, maybe listening to Brother Iz. He had his high-definition GoPro running, maybe hoping to capture a victorious reeling in of mahi-mahi or wahoo. Instead, he captured an unprovoked bit of nasty from a freakishly aggressive tiger shark.

“I heard a whooshing sound that sounded like a boat heading towards me without the motor and I looked up and I saw this big brown thing. My brain thought it was a turtle but then I got slammed by it and realised that it was a tiger shark,” he told the local news.

After the incident, Haraguchi continued to fish only realizing how rude the shark was when reviewing the footage later.

Semi-undeterred, the brave man declared he will now take a partner on his fishing adventures, adding, “I realise that life is short, time is short on Earth, so make the most of it.”

Dang sharks.

But does such a clear picture of shark rage give you pause?

It should.


Photo: Beef.
Photo: Beef.

Music-loving surfer brutally gunned down in suburban Los Angeles following road rage incident!

Beef.

Rage, in all its many forms, seems to be reaching epidemic status in these United States of America. Whether it is exploding in digital forums, losing mind whilst waiting for the grocery checkout, screaming swears and splashing in the lineup (often justified) or launching into a full tirade on an airline, people, it seems, have lost their bearing.

I was on a flight to New York, recently, and a portly woman one row back became incensed that her carry-on bag would have to go in the back of the plane and not over her head. One of the stewardesses dared call her “honey” when explaining the situation and that set her right off. Multiple deep swears, face beet red, full steam ahead down fury road. She was eventually escorted off by security to the cheers of other passengers, delaying the trip by a good hour, though I sat and pondered her actions. She must have known her outburst was not going to have any desired effect, what with many, many stories about disruptive passengers being kicked off, heavily fined and placed on no-fly lists.

Entirely self-destructive.

Road rage is, of course, the grandaddy of all the various rages, coming into vogue in the mid-1990s and growing in popularity yearly. What once consisted of honking, raising a middle finger, maybe riding a bumper and flashing brights has, in this age, turned entirely deadly.

Take the tragic story of the 25-year-old Jordanian immigrant Mohammad Khair Hani Ali Zaid Al-Kilani, for example. The young man had come to Southern California based on falling in love with the lifestyle as a boy and was truly living his dream. He discovered surfing, according The Los Angeles Times, and enjoyed music on the beach with his friends after sunset sessions.

Well, one week ago from today, Al-Kilani was driving near Marina del Rey when a driver cut him off and continued driving erratically. At a stoplight, the young man got out of his car and approached the other driver only to be shot, point blank, in the chest.

He was pronounced dead at the scene.

But what sort of insanity is this? Both getting out of vehicle, in this day and age, I suppose, and/or straight murdering someone who approaches you?

Madness.

And have these topsy-turvy times forced you to change your behavior? Are you more wary, less inclined to start a conflict?

Scared?

Crazy.

Just crazy.

Real quickly while you’re here, though, have you watched Netflix’s Beef yet?

It’s very good.


Doc Tony Fauci, left, on Sixty Minutes, and right, Kelly Slater, Pipe king at almost fifty.

Kelly Slater launches wild broadside at pro-vaccine zealots including US health tsar Anthony Fauci, “The attacks against the unvaccinated were nothing short of evil”

"When the chips are down, these civilised people will eat each other"

Kelly Slater’s views of government-mandated vaccines ain’t a secret.

When tennis ace Novak Djokovic was cut from the US Open cause he wouldn’t get jabbed Slater wrote,

“You could just walk across the southern border. RIDICULOUS”

The eleven-time champ waded into a similar fracas when Djokovic was booted out of Australia despite a vaccine-exemption. Slater said Victorians, who were locked in their homes for a total of 262 days, the longest of anywhere in the world and shot with rubber bullets and bashed by police if the gov’s edicts were ignored, were suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. He even suggested there be a name change for the condition where hostages fall in love with their tormenters to “Melbourne Syndrome”.

“It’s sad to see the celebrated division by the ‘virtuous; vaccinated. If you’re vaccinated why are you concerned/worried about anyone else’s status… unless, of course, it doesn’t protect you? Or you’re scared you’ll catch it or upset you had to take the risk of vaccination yourself? So much brainwashed hatred in people’s hearts regardless of vax status.”

When readers argued against his case, Slater was quick to push the blade home, demonstrating a broad knowledge of the disease and the hastily produced vaccine, deftly shutting the door on debate.

Hoarse was the phlegm of the snicker from surf fans, however, convinced of the righteousness of government and the infallibility of the vaccines and so on.

Now, as suppressed information pours into the light Slater, who was belted by the press a year ago when he claimed he knew more “about being healthy than 99 percent” of doctors, appears to be right.

Earlier today, beneath a video compilation of mainstream press stories from the COVID era Slater tweeted,

The tweet was viewed almost ten thousand times and the response mostly pro-Slater.

“100% Kelly! I was attacked and ridiculed for my decision. Glad I stood my ground.”

“Onya for sticking your neck out and not just luxuriating on your laurels”

“Kelly you’re the man!”

And this epic retort,

Now that the dust has settled and the apocalyptic virus seems to’ve been forgotten, how do you feel about the whole thing now?

You thrilled you got the needle and its various sequels?

 

 


Two of the greatest surfers ever, Dane Kealoha and Buttons Kaluhiokalani, captured at OTW by Dan Merkel.

Obituary: Hawaiian surf god Dane Kealoha dead at sixty-four, “History will remember Kealoha in part for the wrong reasons”

Or not the wrong reasons, exactly, but for reasons that were long ago bent to fit a certain narrative about Dane. 

Dane Kealoha of Hawaii has died at age 64, after a long fight with cancer that nobody outside of family and friends knew anything about. 

Social media jumped the gun, as usual. 

Last weekend, before I’d even replied to the first of many texts from many people alerting me that Dane had passed, I got an email from daughter Kelai Kealoha saying that “Dad is very sick” but not gone. 

Dane hung in there for another three days. 

Death rumors, I suppose, are not high on the list of pollutants flooding the information landscape, but Dane’s case stood out, to me anyway, because apart from the surfing itself he never much wanted to grab and hold our attention in the first place.

Dane has been on my mind all week. Mostly from marveling, again, as I have been for 45-plus years, at his satin-finished tuberiding performances at Backdoor and Off the Wall—or any other hollow wave, large or small, warm or cold, left or right. 

That should be his legacy. I hope it is.

But I think history will remember Kealoha in part for the wrong reasons. 

Or not the wrong reasons, exactly, but for reasons that were long ago bent to fit a certain narrative about Dane.

Let’s talk about the missed world title. He was runner-up to Mark Richards in 1980, but that one wasn’t really even close. MR put a huge distance between himself and the field that year and ran away with it. 

In 1979, when Dane finished #4—that was the year. Old-timers, harken back with me. This was the first, and maybe still best, down-to-the-wire pro tour showdown. In his third season as a pro (he’d finished #20 as a rookie and #9 the following year), Dane headed into the final event of the season, the World Cup, in what was basically a three-way tie for first, along with Cheyne Horan and Wayne Bartholomew. MR was a distinct 4th, but Richards himself knew his chances were pretty much nil. In big raw surf at Haleiwa, against Puerto Rico’s Edwin Santos, an underdog if there ever was one, Dane paddled out for his opening heat and absolutely blew a huge homefield advantage, waited too long between waves, let Santos run the inside, and basically kicked the title away on poor tactics. Bartholomew and Horan did much the same, and Richards came from way back to win his first world title.

(A second heartbreak, from a week earlier at the ’79 Pipeline Masters: with five minutes left in the finals, Dane, having ridden all of his allotted 10 waves, proned to shore with a solid lead. From the beach he then watched as Larry Blair, with just a minute left, speared the best wave of the event, rode it perfectly, and took the win.)

Everybody thinks Dane was denied a world title in 1983, and we’ll get into that below—1979, though, was the real missed opportunity.

SURFER Magazine said in 1980 that, title or no title, “Dane Kealoha is doing the most advanced surfing of anybody in the world.” That was Dane up there balanced at the tippy-top of power surfer pyramid. He was built like, and moved like, Houston Oiler fullback Earl Campbell—whose eight-year pro career tracked with Kealoha’s almost to the year. But it’s a big mistake, I think, to call Dane a power surfer and leave it at that. 

Somebody online last week said Kealoha was the ultimate in “raw power,” when in fact everything about the way he surfed, power element included, was the opposite of raw—Dane and Tom Curren were (and remain, for me anyway) our two most refined surfers. 

With Johnny-Boy Gomes, Dane’s protege, power itself was the object, a shock mechanism, a flying mace, and it was thrilling to watch Gomes set off one flagrant, detonating turn after another.

Dane, by contrast, could go all afternoon without any kind of Gomes-like demonstration of force. The power was simply there, always, foundational and evenly distributed, takeoff to kickout, a low-pitched elemental thrum.

Dane knew what he had, owned it and at times obviously enjoyed it, but seemed to understand that the power was elevated for being kept in reserve.

Built on top of that root-level strength was Dane Kealoha’s actual and mostly-unmentioned superpower, which was flow and patience and finesse. 

There is a shot of Kealoha in the video I just posted doing 500 down-the-line pump turns on a small peeler at Burleigh Heads, so the man could get busy when he wanted to. But move ahead to 3:15, that big wave at Honolua Bay, and watch how still and composed he is. To my eyes, Dane is exactly as powerful as the wave itself; they match each other; Kealoha’s force, like that of a big gorgeous Honolua bowl, is mostly below the surface, quiet and smoothed out, up to and included Dane’s gliding exit as the wave flattens out. His front arm alone makes me want to finally learn and understand ballet or modern dance or something, because everything I hold dear in terms of surfing style is somehow contained in Dane’s fingers, arm, and shoulder.

This is why, jumping back to 1983 and the bit of world tour stupidity that ended Kealoha’s competitive career, it makes no difference to me whatsoever that Dane didn’t get a world title. His surfing, like that of Phil Edwards or Wayne Lynch or Dane Reynolds, exists independently and I think well above that of rating points and world titles.

Maybe Kealoha felt that way, too, but maybe not. 

He said, more than once, that pro surfing was mostly just a career, the thing that allowed him to stay in the water. He was intense during competition, sure, but that was likely a scare tactic, a mechanism to keep people at a distance—people he didn’t know, anyway—rather than from any burning desire to win heats. He learned the game but was never especially tactical, or not like Shaun and Rabbit and MR. That said, it’s not hard to imagine Dane wanting to prove people wrong. 

Like Drew Kampion, for instance, who had this brief and insulting and arguably very brave conversation with Kealoha at the end of the 1980 North Shore contest season:

DREW: Well, you got into the final of the Duke and you got into the final at Pipe, too, so you’re doing pretty well.

DANE: Nnnyeeahhh . . . . [laughs]

DREW: But you’re not winning, huh?

DANE: [laughs]

DREW: Does it bum you out not to be winning contests over here?

DANE: Mmmm, I don’t know. I don’t really care if I win or not. I just go out and try. If I don’t, I don’t.

DREW: Maybe that’s why you lose.

The world tour went to war with itself in 1983. Tour founder and Triple Crown owner Fred Hemmings was on one side. Ian Cairns and Op were on the other. Fred was the IPS. Cairns headed up the newly-formed ASP, and without getting too deep in the weeds, Ian won the war, the IPS crashed, but the Triple Crown—Fred’s property—got caught in the middle, and basically it was decided, by Cairnss, that any top-ranked world tour pro who surfed in the 1983 Crown events would forego their all-important seeding for 1984. Most of the tour pros all complied—Dane did not, entered all three Crown contests, won the Pipeline Masters and the Duke, and refused on principle to pay the bitter little ASP-levied fine that would have allowed him to keep his seed for the next year.

And that was pretty much it for Dane’s competitive career.

Kealoha would later say he was zeroing in on the 1983 world title at the time of the Triple Crown blow-up. But in truth he surfed in 11 of 13 tour events, got his full allotment of points that year despite the fiction with Cairns and the ASP, and was #14 in the final ratings. He would have been a longshot contender, at best, in years to come—Tom Curren, Tom Carroll, Martin Potter, and other world tour newcomers were younger and better in the small beachbreak waves that were taking over the tour schedule.

At first, Dane himself seemed just irked by how the world tour had treated him, not devastated or defeated. 

“I’m not afraid of surfing the qualifying trials again,” he told Sam George in early 1984. “I’ll do whatever they want.” He then added, “The sport still has to grow a bit more [but], I think it’s going to be a great circuit.”

Paul Holme’s 2022 Surfer’s Journal profile on Kealoha paints a different and much sadder picture. 

“It really hurt me,” he says of the break with the tour. “I hate talking about it. They tried stopping me in so many ways.”

This is where Kealoha, to my ears, drifts into something related to but removed from what actually happened in 1983. He was a victim of the IPS-ASP fight, yes, but not a target. Dane doesn’t see it that way. 

“They didn’t want me to have the title. They knew I would eventually snap. And they were right.”

You couldn’t tell from his surfing, which remained sharp, fast and powerful, but Kealoha went dark in the late 1980s and ’90s.

“Depression, disappointment, frustration, all that stuff,” he told Holmes. “I was racist. Anybody who wasn’t from Hawaii didn’t belong in the water when I was out. It got violent . . . and that hurt me even more. I’d go home and cry and drown myself with drugs. I was so depressed. It really broke my heart. I went down some pretty horrific roads that I’m still battling with.”

And this, sadly, is where we last saw Dane. 

Holmes notes that Kealoha was living on Maui and “repeatedly managed to pull himself back from the brink.” He found God, and for a period in the 2010s he was living in Honolulu, doing surf-therapy sessions for injured war vets and working with foster kids. The work didn’t last, and he moved to Maui. Reading between the lines, it sounds like Kealoha was estranged from at least part of his family.

“From his window,” Holmes ends his article, “he sees clouds gathering.”

We heard nothing else from Kealoha, publically, until his death notice this week.

I hope over the past year or so Dane and his scattered family found some measure of peace and comfort. I also hope he spent a few idle moments remembering and reconnecting with a younger version of himself—there’s a joyous bit in 1979’s Many Classic Moments with a teenaged Dane day-tripping from Oahu to Maui with fellow sting-riders Buttons and Mark Liddell. 

By that point the surf world at large already knew Kealoha as quiet and glowering and basically unapproachable. But Moments shows another side, an earlier and I think maybe more authentic side, as he grins and surf-raps with his friends during the car ride to Honolua. Dane’s famous glare is nowhere to be seen. 

The glare, I think, at least back then, was more a mask than anything. A great mask, something Dane was more than comfortable wearing, a device used to keep us away, to stay inside himself, to gain an advantage, take your pick. But here with Buttons and Liddell, Dane looks fully at home, literally and figuratively—powerful but powerful and relaxed, both. People like Dane need a Buttons in their life. They rolled on to Honolua Bay, scored, and let’s leave it there, in the afternoon light, with smiles and set waves for everybody.

(You like this? Matt Warshaw delivers a surf essay every Sunday, PST. All of ’em a pleasure to read. Maybe time to subscribe to Warshaw’s Encyclopedia of Surfing, yeah? Three bucks a month.)