Death in the afternoon.

Every so often a surf story is so important, so culturally relevant, that it squeaks under our cloistered walls and reaches the outside world. Kelly Slater’s various new failing companies, Erik Logan’s vectors, Taj Burrow’s current real estate holdings are all of endless fascination, to us, but DJ Khaled’s near-death experience on an e-foil is what the greater population truly cares about.

Essential.

BeachGrit, dutiful and true, covered the event with usual aplomb, the author Chas Smith penning, “What is your favorite DJ Khaled song? It’s a trick question! Each are works of pure art and impossible to rank. It would be like asking Megan Fox or Brian Austin Green “Who is your favorite daughter?” Futile and, frankly, rude. So you can understand the abundance of thoughts and prayers that came pouring in from all corners, yesterday, when it was revealed that the plus-sized music man was injured whilst riding an e-foil in in Miami.”

Thorough.

Though the qualifier “plus-sized” seemed to greatly roil and DJ Khaled fans snuck into the secret garden and unleashed their ire.

Karma J Perez wrote, “Hope The Great Artist Dj Khalid is recovering okay , but what’s with the plus size comment . Why would you comment on his weight . Very tacky ! Especially in today’s world . He couldn’t just be a Great Artist we all love . It’s deplorable that this header was allowed to be printed. It’s 2023 commenting on a person’s size is so out of style in any decade . Get it together Beachgrit !”

Roldy added, “I don’t care that it’s a poorly written click bait article. I came here because you wrote ‘plus size’ in the title. Wtf does that have to do with anything about this story? Why does a person’s physical appearance here matter in the slightest? That alone told me you’re a trash writer. The alleged content you authored simply backs up my initial impression. I hope you have the day you deserve. Cheers.”

Kellie Lynn piled on, “You should pay someone to slap you so hard you’re put to sleep for hours for such click bait and goofy bragging arrogance.”

Elizabeth added, “What does him being ‘plus sizes’ have to do with anything? Come on, light a candle a for him, because he got hurt so badly be needs a massage? All around horrible article. You can do better, and if you really can’t, it’s time to look for a new profession.”

Renee Lee Stevens continued, “So, was this an article about your awesomeness? Or DJ Khaled’s injuries? Just curious, because I know nothing more about his injuries than I did when I read your title. Your skills as a writer leave a lot to be desired. Not trying to be nasty, but from now on when you mislead your readers with a title like that, then tell us he only needed a light massage, naturally expect backlash. Good grief.”

Chelelee added, “So, was this an article about your awesomeness? Or DJ Khaled’s injuries? Just curious, because I know nothing more about his injuries than I did when I read your title. Your skills as a writer leave a lot to be desired. Not trying to be nasty, but from now on when you mislead your readers with a title like that, then tell us he only needed a light massage, naturally expect backlash. Good grief.”

Your Mum concluded, “People like you shouldn’t be allowed to have freedom of speech. You’re an absolute embarrassment to journalism and honestly deserve nothing but bad luck throughout your entire life. What a waste of space at your job.”

A added, “You need to be FIRED! How dare you even bring up someone’s weight in an article that is completely irrelevant. Shame on you!!”

J C clarified, “Megan Fox doesn’t have a daughter…they have 3 sons.”

And on and on until Silvia Castillo wondered, “I wonder if people who write ‘click-bait’ articles like this really consider themselves journalist?!” Howie Beats weighed in with, “I bet they do. And I bet they’re the ones who walk around wearing a lanyard with their Twitter handle to let everyone know they’re ‘a real journalist.'” At which point the author implored everyone to keep it above the belt.

That’s when the pile on really began.

Jason slammed, “You deserve everything you get you sorry excuse for a writer. Go to college and educate yourself on journalism 101. Actually, you should start with 099.”

Jeremy Parks added, “Not harsh, you’re a clickbait writing douche. Also, don’t know why you felt the need to keep referring to him as the ‘plus-sized’ musical artist.”

David Bonnano inserted, “Get bent. You’re the one with zero class.”

And Smith was, thus, defeated.

The moral? Best to stay away from temptation.

Three men are in custody in what police say was an international drug ring, smuggling cocaine inside surfboards from Uruguay to Europe.

According to counter-narcos, dogs sniffed out six surfboards leaving Carrasco International in Montevideo on May 23. Upon secondary inspection, police noted the boards’ unusual weight. After a quick pinata party, 51kilos of cartel candy spilt out. Operation Iris, it’s named.

Officials allowed one of the boards to make its way to Portugal where two Italian nationals were arrested attempting to claim their baggage. A third man was popped in Italy.

The Uruguayan prosecutor’s office highlights the bust as proof of success in the global war on drugs, calling the transatlantic operation “a model of international success.” Uruguay, Spain, Italy, and Portugal took part in the bust.
Uruguayan National Police Director Jose Manuel Azambuya stated, “Operation Iris is unprecedented in our country because of the scope and significance of international cooperation.”

Yet surfboard stuffing is nothing new as a delivery method in the small pharma biz. Rainbow Surfboards (McCabe, Hynson, et. al.) were the mavens, stashing their particulars in foam and fin to extend their Indo fantasies. It went South as drugs tend to do that sorta thing to business and businesses and family and whatnot.

Most consider drug harvesting, smuggling, selling, partaking, etc. a sick practice. Others may be ambivalent, having blood somewhere dried under the fingernails. (For a wide-eyed analysis, read Cocaine and Surfing: A Love Story.)
And some may think it romantic,(and certainly more appealing than trafficking a bloated, balloon-filled mule) where lean, sunglassed figures float in and out of airports, siphoning fear with breezy talk at check in, nothing but pure adrenaline pumping through the terminal. Every small move building into a play. Those flawless and free characters we read about, the true magicians.

Adam Gopnik, in his book “The Real Work,” describes such mastery as a “slow carpentering of fragments into a harmonious whole.”

“Mastering” certain things, Gopnik explains, “relies on learning to pretend what you’re doing isn’t incredibly dangerous.”

And dangerous it is as reality has not been kind to the practice. As many have tried, many have failed. Some notables:

• 1994. Frank de Castro Diaz. Denpasar Airport, Bali. 4 kilos in 2 boards.
The give away? Frank also checked a saw.
• 2011: Three men. Bilboa Airport, Spain. 50 kilos in 9 boards.

The give away? One month prior, fools were busted for shipping coke in Manolo
Blahniks.
• 2014: Jesse Edgardo Herrera, of Pomona, LAX, California. 3 kilos in 1 board.

The give away? According to TSA, fresh glue permeated from board bag.

And so many other stories of failed magic. You may have your own. The moral? Best to stay away from temptation. Hell, my boy’s on Oahu and my girl in Kihei. I’m scared to bring 4 oz. of Colgate in my carry on.