Chris Malloy v progressive Daddy. "Like all animals we will do anything to protect our young. You will and so will I. I promise you that. Let’s just let nature take its course friendo.”

Ultra-masculine surf great Chris Malloy slams father who transitioned “his son into a girl at three years old.”

“Sally with a penis wins every game with a smile and to hell with everyone else’s female daughters’ work and talent and mental health.”

There are three brothers, as you might remember, in the Malloy house. Chris, Keith and Dan. Chris, who is fifty, is the eldest.

Chris is a former pro surfer, a serious climber of mountains and makes fine documentaries and television commercials.

He likes to chew tobacco, had a childhood fantasy to become a saddle bronc rider until he saw a guy get gored in the groin and then bleed out, wants to make a film about the late Hawaiian big-wave surfer Todd Chesser (“But Hollywood always fucks up surfing even if surfers are involved. If I fucked up Todd’s story he’d come back from hell and haunt me for the rest of my life. He’d come back and piss on me while I slept”), is saddened by the ultra-crowding of surfing although he’s aware of the hypocrisy of complaining about crowds when your game is making surf films, once rolled a truck four times on the North Shore and together with his brothers spent an entire summer, as kids, camping on the beach in a teepee. His best bar fight, he once told me, was in a restaurant in Waikiki with a girl he liked very much.

“A Canadian hockey team walked in and one of them just started feeling her up. Right there in front of me! I was out-numbered but it drove me crazy. I jumped on the guy and got him good, three or four times with a beer mug. The rest of the team beat the shit out of me. I woke up in a cop car.”

A man’s man, as they used to say before a pall of gender confusion fell over the west.

Now, in a response to a daddy transitioning his toddler from boy through to gal Chris has come out swinging on the side of the gender binary.

In a stinging rebuttal Chris writes.

“My kid’s mental health is more important than your kid’s trophy.” Ah! The generation that gave green trophies to all kids in the name of mental heath is saying it all with this new slogan. Sally with a penis wins every game and has a big smile and to hell with everyone else’s female daughters work and talent and mental health. Ok, Moby, you’re being aggressive now. Illogical, selfish, and agenda based with your experiment. Like all animals we will do anything to protect our young. You will and so will I. I promise you that. Let’s just let nature take its course friendo.”

I enjoy interviewing Chris very much, his filter set to zero, a fine humour always hovering nearby.

This, from a few years back.

In an earlier communique, you told me you “whimpered like a little gal at Himalayas”, the big-wave left at Haleiwa. Is this true? Did you really whimper? Well, a couple weeks ago I shipped the family over to the North Shore to catch a few waves before the circus shows up. Didn’t even check the swell forecast. I roll down to Kohl Christensen’s for a beer and the next thing you know we’re loading 9’6’’s into the truck. We check a secret spot and it’s solid but the buoys are like 17-17 (17 feet at 17 seconds) so its guaranteed going to be closing out by dark. So, the session went great but the next morning it’s still coming up, buoys still jumping. Mind you, I’m fresh off the boat after the worst summer ever in California. I paddle out with Keone Watson and Ross Williams to another secret spot. It’s really good but the sets are hitting and closing out. I get mopped up three sets in a row. Just clobbered. I didn’t actually whimper like a little girl but I think if I had the breath and the energy to, I probably would have.

How do you think you differ from other men? Um, maybe penis length?

What do you struggle with on a day-to-day basis? Nicotine. I chew tobacco and it’s the dumbest habit in the world. Nothing good about it.

What do you consider the bravest thing you’ve ever done? Shit, I think brave means when you do sketchy stuff for other people, right? All the sketchy shit I’ve done was pretty much for myself.

Are there any movies that you’d like to make, or have tried to make, but have found impossible? I’d love to tell Todd Chesser’s story someday, but Hollywood always fucks up surfing even if surfers are involved. They just did Jay’s story (Santa Cruz’s Jay Moriarity) and it seems pretty cheeseball from what I’ve seen. If I fucked up Todd’s story he’d come back from hell and haunt me for the rest of my life. He’d come back and piss on me while I slept. He used to love to do that.

Can you describe what you believe is the current cultural state of surfing? It’s whatever you want it to be. Surfing has pretty much become everyone’s and we cant do shit about that. I think it’s kinda silly to whinge about “how it used to be or that the other guys aren’t doing it right or that they don’t do it for the right reasons.” Yeah, its clear that there is some ridiculous stuff happening in surf culture but it’s also clear to me that theres some amazing new board designs out there to ride and waves to surf and there are some mind-blowing young surfers out there to witness. I’ve got friends that fish for a living and surf secret spots by themselves. When I’m with them on the boat there is no talk of anything other than fish and waves and maybe beer. I learn more from them about the current state of surf culture than the internet or our stoic surf scribes that cry on their keyboards as they lament the death of surfing.

Does this please, sadden or excite you? I’m saddened by crowds, but I’ve made a bunch of surfs films, that hasn’t helped, so fuck me, I’ve contributed to that and I have to live with that.

Now, tell me, what’s your finest childhood memory? When you camped on the beach, in a teepee, for an entire summer? Those were pretty good days. My Dad would help us set up his old canvas range teepee on the beach at the start of summer. He or my mom would come by in the evenings when he got off from his construction job and bring us food and firewood. Then they would go home for the night. It was pretty much a full set up. We’d just surf and chase girls and swipe beer from other campers. The rangers hated us.

What has been the biggest mistake you’ve ever made? We rolled a truck four times on the North Shore, I think, in 96. My back has never been the same since. Stupid. Big cliff on the other side of the road. If we had rolled the other way it’d been lights out, for sure.

What has been the greatest moment of your life? From 1990 until around 2001.

What was the most life-changing thing you’ve ever experienced? When I was 10 years old my sister was born blind, deaf and with cerebral palsy. Dad was working full-time and mom had three small boys to deal with so I ended up being a nurse to my sister a lot of the time. It really sucked but I think that’s part of the reason I’m always moving. I think I’m still trying to catch up for those times I missed outside.
Have you ever felt like you truly hated someone? Yeah, for sure, but it just takes so much goddamn energy to hate people that I just sort of tried to give it up. Dan got into a fight at the beach a few years back (with a meth-head surfer) and right as he knocked the guy on his ass the guy’s mate came from behind and king hit Dan. The guy he knocked on the ground got back up and they double-teamed him pretty bad. For a week after that I was at that beach looking for those guys. I really wanted to kill them. I was miserable with hate that week. Then, one morning I woke up and just said, man, you gotta snap out of this! But, I wont lie, I hope those two stay on the meth and that they end up giving blowjobs to score their next fix.
In an interview, you once said, and you were referring to the perceived saintly nature of you and your brothers, “We get wasted and we get in bar fights and we do stupid things.” Do you, or did you, really get into bar fights? I don’t think any of us have been in a scrap in a few years. Shit, with all this jiujitsu out there you never know who’s going to choke you out. I’m afraid of old ladies these days! We were never into fighting. But, yeah, we had fun in a scrap here and there. And, yeah, I remember that interview. The guy was trying to build us up to be something we weren’t. So i just told him that fact so that he’d shut up. Over the years, we had good manners on the road and while we lived in Hawaii. It just seemed silly to get stupid when you’re in these amazing places surfing good waves. But, yeah, at home, over the years, we won a few and we lost a few. It’s hard to grow up in a giant Irish family and not have that side to you. There’s a little gem of Danny boy on the internet. Look up “surf rage” on Youtube.


What is the general provocation for a fight? It’s always different and usually not worth it the next day.

Do you have tactics? Our only tactic was to end up on top. It worked a few times.

Have you ever thought, hoo!, I’ve bitten off more than I can chew here? Oh yeah. I was in a restaurant in Waikiki with this girl I really liked. A Canadian hockey team walked in and one of them just started feeling her up. Right there in front of me! I was out-numbered but it drove me crazy. I jumped on the guy and got him good, three or four times with a beer mug. The rest of the team beat the shit out of me. I woke up in a cop car. The next week I was in G-land and my ribs were so sore I could barely surf. Perfect Speedies and I’m in the channel wincing. Another lesson learned.

In the same interview, you said that when you were sponsored you were like a “trained seal. Don’t say too much and everything will be fine.” Did you really feel that confined? We grew up cleaning Al Merrick’s shaping bay and we never thought we’d get the chance to surf for a living. So when that chance came we pretty much did what we were told. It was either make the surf deal work or drive a tractor.The surf industry was booming and we got swept up in it all. We were dumb kids. I don’t blame anyone. We should have understood that there was and is a lot of bullshit involved with the gig.

Did you really take a giant pay cut to go from Hurley to Patagonia? Can you explain the difference as a percentage? And, what lifestyle changes did you have to make to bring up the slack? Yeah, sure, we gave up about half our income. But, come on, no violin music here. Hurley was going one direction and we were going the other. Bob is one of the best people I’ve ever met and he helped us a ton. But, we were just on a different path and if we had stayed it would have been bad for both of us. Bob saw that as well and we left on good terms. And, how did I bring up the slack? For a while when I first got married and moved back to my home town I got my commercial fishing licence and also worked on a pack string hauling gear into the back country on horseback. I’d come home after two days smelling like horses or fish and always like beer and with 200 bucks to show for it. My wife helped me recognise that I should probably see if I could make a run with my film experience instead.

What’s the best story you tell? We feed our kids beef, pork, chicken and venison. Sometimes they get picky but since I know they love chicken, I always tell them we are having chicken for dinner. Regardless of what’s on the table, they’ll eat it if they think it’s chicken. So, they start thinking that all meat is chicken. So, I take my four-year-old son Luke out on his first wild boar hunt. We get a nice one. He walks out to it, thanks it and says, “Dad! lets get the skin off this hog because I’m hungry and theres a lot of chicken here!”

Have you ever truly believed that you were about to die? At Chopes in the early days when we still called it Kumbaya. Mind you, this is years before Laird and the crew had towed it and showed the world it was possible to live through. Me and Keone Watson and Noah Johnson and Shaun Briley would go down every summer and sleep on Raimana’s grandma’s floor. We’d surf it six to maybe eight feet. I’d never seen it hit that size when it turns into the Chopes we know today. So I eat shit on a wave that, at the time, was big Chopes and I come up and I see my first real Chopes wave. It looked like a backless train, like something I’d never seen before in my life. I went to swim for the bottom but the bottom was right there! I remember thinking, what is that fucking thing? What was that? No shit, I thought it was a tsunami or something. I’m for sure dead right now! It blew me into the lagoon and I’m looking out watching the next three waves detonate on the reef and I’m just thinking to myself, we’re not in Kansas anymore!

When you lie in bed, at night, alone in the dark, what do you think about? I pretty much always hit the bed sleeping. But, if for some reason I don’t, it’s usually Beyonce.

What were your childhood dreams? I wanted to be a bronco rider like my uncles and cousins. But, I always got bucked off and I got stepped on so many times, so I traded dirt for water. I was in King City watching my dad in a rodeo and one of the guys got a bull horn in the groin and bled to death and then my cousin broke his neck riding bucking horses and it just didn’t look that fun to me after that. Then, I saw an article about Derrick Doerner surfing big Waimea and it changed my life. I was 15 and that day I decided I’d move to Hawaii and try to earn an invite into the Eddie Aikau. I’ve never felt like a competitive surfer but that was a big honour and I’m really proud to have gotten to surf Waimea, meet the Aikau family and surf in Eddie’s contest.

What is your biggest fear? Oh shit. More car wrecks.

What is your key, you believe, to a good life? Live outside as much as you can. In the water or in the hills. Live with your friends and family. Just do the stuff you want to do. Figure out how to make a living doing what you love and try to do it with integrity. Even if it takes you some time to figure out.

Oh, almost forgot, is medically intervening a wise thing if your boy likes tutus and Frozen or your little girl starts pushing a tractor around? Would you do or, as Chris says, “let nature take its course”?

“Lonely Boy-Gate” reaches critical sadness as World Surf League Chief Executive Erik Logan remains entirely undefended by so-called friends for sixth brutal day!

Utter abandonment.

The World Surf League Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer is many if not most things. Iconoclastic equalitarian, one-time Association of Surfing Professional, inspiration, game changer, role model, keynote speaker. Fans are kept abreast of her many accomplishments, thoughts and feelings through her robust use of social media, particularly the millennial+ communication tool Instagram. The brave Australian usually posts between one and three times a day, sharing everything from honors she has received to causes she supports.

Though an eerie silence has taken over her page since three top Brazilian surfers, all former champions, complained about judging at the just wrapped Surf Ranch Pro which led to a full blown insurrection. Ex-pros, current pros, legendary coaches each and all weighing in.

Even though Miley-Dyer is the Chief of Sport, the task of getting the peons back in order apparently fell to Chief Executive Erik Logan who issued a letter reading:

To the WSL community,

I want to address the conversation that happened in our community following the recent Championship Tour event at the Surf Ranch. As you likely know, a small number of athletes made statements questioning the judging of the competition and the final results.

I want to respond directly to those statements, however, we first need to address a much more important issue. In recent days, a number of surfers, WSL judges, and employees have been subject to harassment, intimidation, and threats of violence, including death threats, as a direct result of those statements. Those things should never happen in our sport or any sport, and we’re devastated that members of our community have been subject to them. It is an important reminder to us all that words have consequences. We hope the entire WSL community stands with us in rejecting all forms of harassment and intimidation.

In terms of the statements made, we completely reject the suggestion that the judging of our competitions is in any way unfair or biased. These claims are not supported by any evidence.

Firstly, the judging criteria are provided to the athletes ahead of each competition. All athletes competing at the Surf Ranch Pro received these materials on May 20th. Every athlete had the opportunity to ask questions about the criteria at that time. None of the athletes who made these statements took advantage of this opportunity at the Surf Ranch Pro.

Secondly, our rules allow any athlete to review the scoring of any wave, with the judges, and receive a more detailed explanation of how they were scored with the judges. This process has been in place for a number of years, and is the direct result of working with the surfers to bring more transparency to the judging process. It is not acceptable, and is a breach of league policy, for surfers to choose not to engage with the proper process and instead air grievances on social media.

A number of athletes at the Surf Ranch Pro received points for elements such as progression and variety, so it is simply incorrect to suggest these are not taken into account in the judging criteria. Furthermore, our rules have been applied consistently throughout the season, including at events this season that were won by athletes who are now questioning those same rules.

Surfing is an ever-evolving, subjective sport and we welcome a robust debate around the progression of our sport and the criteria used to judge our competitions. However, it is unacceptable for any athlete to question the integrity of our judges who, like our surfers, are elite professionals.

No one person or group of people are above the integrity of the sport.

Erik Logan
WSL Chief Executive Officer

Response from all corners was furious.

Surf journalist in good standing, JP Currie, wrote, “Once again, you respond to criticism of the WSL (from your athletes, no less, your most valuable commodity) with a tone that lies somewhere between a dictator and a domestic abuser,” with others piling on.

And it might have been thought that Miley-Dyer would have stood up in defense of her boss but no.

Nothing in the direct aftermath.

Nothing four days after Logan was surrounded by the mob and jabbed wickedly with pitchforks.

Nothing today, an unprecedented six days of silence with no end in sight?

Logan utterly abandoned.

But when do you think the World Surf League’s other chiefs, Jessi Miley-Dyer and Dave Prodan, will finally respond? What do you imagine their response will be?

Is she simply waiting to be nominated for another honor?

Is he hoping Mitch Salazar can clear some calendar space so they can not deal with the “Brazil issue” again?

Here is a song for Logan, anyhow, while we wait.

Tourists to Hawaii continue driving rental cars into water whilst blindly following GPS prompting surf great Kelly Slater to have “so many questions!”

Wild times on the Big Island.

Our lives, each, are inextricably tied to technology. We either embrace all the gizmos and gadgets, the smart appliances and next-gen Apple priority recognizing watches, we don’t and plant flags on Mt. Luddite or fall somewhere in between. I am solidly in the hypocritical camp when it comes to computers, phones and their various applications. I know they are all making me dumber and I hate Big Brother peeking at everything I do but also want to know how much traffic I’ll be stuck in, say, so Google Map my brain into mush.

Have you read the studies that relying on GPS is actively destroying our sense of where we are in the world? It is true and, perhaps, truest of all on Hawaii’s Big Island where tourists in rental cars continue driving into the water whilst blindly staring at their digital maps.

The second such incident in under a month occurred days ago at the Honokohau Small Boat Harbor near Kailua-Kona. A fisherman, Drew Solmonson and his son captured the automobile as it sinks, its driver attempting to turn off the windshield wipers with the two screaming at her to save herself.

“We were trying to land the boat and screaming the whole time to get her attention but her GPS had told her to go there so she drove right in,” Solmonson explained.

The world’s greatest surfer, Kelly Slater, preparing to not go the Olympics via El Salvador, commented “So many questions,” on the Instagram clip leaving fans confused as “How did the woman drive into the water?” had just been answered with “We were trying to land the boat and screaming the whole time to get her attention but her GPS had told her to go there so she drove right in.”

Studies on avid social media users and their declining reading comprehension certainly in need.

In any case, Ryan Aguilar, spokesperson with the Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources, told SFGATE that there are no plans to add signage to the harbor. “It’s really clear that it is a ramp and it leads directly into the water,” he said.

More questions, I suppose.

Australian big-wave surfer films extraordinary encounter with fifteen-foot Great White shark!

“I was terrified of sharks before, now I’m even more scared of their power and speed!”

The last time I had cause to telephone the big-wave charger Justin “Jughead’ Allport he’d blown his lungs and ribs out after getting “fucking annihilated” on a fifteen-foot wave at Tasmania’s infamous Shipstern Bluff.

This morning it’s to fill in the deets on his encounter with a truck-sized Great White shark on Wednesday morning while in southern Australia chasing his favoured big-wave slabs.

Three weeks earlier, at nearby Elliston, a local school teacher was hit and killed by a Great White while surfing a sleepy point with a bunch of kids, his last act to warn others to save ‘emselves and get out of the water.

Jaiden Millar, a twenty two year old, saw the attack.

“It was such a confronting incident. It could have been anyone. The worst part was there was a 13-year-old out there and he witnessed everything,” Millar told Adelaide Now. “There was a bloke on the beach tooting his horn and as I turned around I saw everyone paddling in. I saw his board tombstoning, which means he’s underwater and his board’s getting dragged under … trying to fight his way back up to the surface… He was gone. (We) saw the shark just thrashing around out the back. The shark’s obviously let go and come back and got him for a third time”.

Jug, who’s forty-nine and a firefighter a couple hours north of Sydney at Bateau Bay, said he’s never seen a shark in the wild before, only dead on the beach. That was a twenty-foot White that had been washed onto the sand of a Victorian west coast beach. His pal and said he thought he could get inside of it for a photo but Jug stopped him warning he’d never be able to wear that wetsuit again.

And, so, when a South Oz local said there were a fleets of Great Whites around and maybe he should take the jet skis out and have a squiz at a few hanging off the tuna pens, he thought, yeah, ‘I wanna go have a look.’

It’s a decision that’ll probably haunt the habitué of lonely outer reefs for the rest of his life.

“I’m scared of sharks, yeah, I’m terrified,” says Jug. “But I’d never seen ‘em while surfing and now I’m even more scared of the power, how fast it was. Things hit you when you see one in real life. Everything about it. I know guys who’ve seen Great Whites swim past, how mellow they are, how they don’t get touched, and drone footage of sharks following people, but that thing was so quick, so fast and powerful I shit myself. Anyone who says they’ve been chased by a shark, no you haven’t. If a shark was chasing you, it would eat you. Maybe a shark stalks you, it never chases you.”

Jug says he’s always thinking of sharks. His pal and workmate Tim Doherty, brother of the storied surf journalist Sean Doherty, was surfing at Tuncurry in 2020 when a surfer visiting from Sydney, Mark Sanguinetti, was hit in three feet of water.

“He watched this guy get fully mauled. There were six or eight guys in the water and the guy that saw the shark was the guy that got eaten. He said calmly, ‘There’s a shark I’m going in’ and everyone started slowly paddling in and it took him and Tim was within four metres of the whole thing.”

Another pal, the slab hunter Brett Burcher, was also hit by a shark after moving to Tuncurry-Forster from the NSW South Coast.

“Hit and punched off his board,” says Jug.

With all the shark noise in his head and the visuals of a giant White near where he’d been chasing barrels in South Oz, I jokingly ask if he plans on hitting that coastline anytime soon.

“Thinking about going back down there this weekend, to be honest,” he laughs.

Volkswagen uses “Riot City, USA” as backdrop for unveiling brand new electric bus “synonymous with Southern California surf culture!”

"Surfing, the bus, the sun, the smoke from burning lifeguard stands... it's fantastic."

We don’t spend nearly as much time as we should discussing automobiles here. You drive one, I drive one and most of us drive one to the surf unless we are driving our electric bicycles. Cars and trucks, SUVs and vans are as much a part of our deal as the surfboards we so cherish. But what is your current vehicle? Mine is a 2017 Toyota Tacoma 4×4. It is black, has four doors, a cracked windshield, or windscreen for our Australian and British brothers and sisters, a sticker on the back right side featuring Cryin’ Jordy Smith surrounded by the words “I want my BeachGrit” and boasts 97,000-ish miles.

It has been very good to me and I have no complaints but in a perfect world I might have a 1971 Porsche 914/6 M471 with the “Competition Option.” I would not have a Volkswagen bus of any year though many consider it the “ideal surf transportation.”

Well, the German manufacturer just unveiled its redesigned all-electric version of the bus yesterday and chose Southern California’s Huntington Beach due its moniker “Surf City, USA.”

The Orange County Register reported that 100s of Volkswagen bus aficionados came out for the event and the day was dubbed “International Volkswagen Bus Day” by National Calendar Day founder Marlo Anderson. He receives 25,000 applications a year and only accepts 30 of them.

In any case, Volkswagen surrounded their new bus with surfboards borrowed from the Surfing Heritage Culture Center. Cameron Batten, senior vice-president and chief communications officer for Volkswagen Group of America declared, “The VW bus reminds us to smile, relax and take life a little less seriously.”

It is expected to sell for around $75,000 when it hits the market next year, though enthusiasts hope it will become a collector’s item.

Two such fans, Jan Engelhardt and Vera Sanders came all the way to Huntington Beach from Germany for the unveiling. “It’s a great show,” Engelhardt told the Register. “Surfing, the bus, the sun… it’s fantastic.”

If the two are lucky, they will might also catch one of Huntington Beach’s other specialties.

A good, old-fashioned riot.


Back to us, though. What do you think World Surf League CEO Erik Logan drives?

I’m guessing a Tesla Y model that he feels socially conflicted about.