California surfers trade Teslas for ’69 Camaro Super Sports as new study suggests waves in state will get bigger thanks to fossil fuel industry!

Gentlemen, start your engines!

Kelly Slater is a sneaky little fella. The world’s greatest surfer has, for years, been championing the environment. His clothing brand, Outerknown, creates hats from discarded fishing nets and his turtle moon sandals are made from algae. Secretly, though, he stuffs landfills with festive cheer and sends the aforementioned turtle moons to buyers wrapped as if they were delicate faberge eggs all while flying place to place around the world, never stopping for more than two weeks, spewing dump truck loads of carbon into the atmosphere.

What could be viewed as bald-faced hypocrisy is really a gift to California surfers.

For a new study just released in the Journal of Geophysical Research: Oceans has declared that climate change is creating larger waves off the Golden State.

Nearly a century’s worth of data was analyzed with the results revealing that wave height has grown by an average of a foot since 1969.

This is just another indication that overall average wave heights have increased significantly since 1970 — since the advent of the upward trend in global warming,” Peter Bromirski, researcher emeritus at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography and the study’s author, told National Public Radio.

Per the piece:

The new study adds to a growing body of research that suggests storm activity in the Northern Pacific Ocean — the main source of California’s winter swells — has increased as human activities have caused the world’s temperature to warm. A 2019 study by researchers at the University of California, Santa Cruz found that the energy in ocean waves has increased over most of the last century because of climate change.

One man’s treasure is another’s multi-million dollar house falling off a cliff, though, and researchers warn that while surfers will be enjoying the fruits of a warming planet, coastal infrastructure is very much at risk.

Still, if surfers are one thing, they are selfish and many are trading in Teslas and Lucids for 1969 Chevrolet Camaro Super Sports. Did you know the muscle car sporting a 6.5L V8 and 375 hp got, roughly, 6.7 miles per gallon?

Make Cardiff Reef Mavericks Again.

This story number 4988 has been brought to you by Kelly Slater’s Enforfins which would like to remind you that if your fins don’t float, they won’t be able to join the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.