Apocalypse.

Any surfer with a heart has eyes glued on Maui and the unthinkable devastation happening there now. The Valley Isle, typically a vacation paradise for upper-middle class mainlanders, big wave aficionados and fans of Mtv’s hit 2007 show Maui Fever, has been ravaged by out-of-control wild fires.

Dry winds, spinning off a passing hurricane, quickly whipped flames through western parts of the county including historic Lahaina town which has been burned to the ground along with its port and many neighborhoods.

“It’s a real loss. Hawaii and Maui have tried really hard to preserve and protect those places for many, many years … not for the sake of tourism but because it’s part of our cultural heritage,” Senator Gilbert Keith-Agaran declared.

Lahaina was once the Kingdom of Hawaii’s capital.

The fires, catching officials completely by surprise, moved so fast that residents in certain parts of the island became completely cut off and had to hurl themselves into the Pacific in order to survive. Hospitals are currently overwhelmed with burn and smoke inhalation patients with major airlines canceling flights so as not to add to the problem.

“We are already in communication with other hospital systems about relieving the burden – the reality is that we need to fly people out of Maui to give them burn support because Maui hospital cannot do extensive burn treatment,” acting Gov. Sylvia Luke said. “In addition to dealing with disaster, we’re dealing with major transportation issues as well.”

Thus far, six deaths have been reported with the number certain to climb.

Officials are asking residents to conserve water so that firefighters can better battle the blazes and also to stay off the roads to reduce congestion.

“911 is down. Cell service is down. Phone service is down. And that’s been part of the problem,” acting Gov. Luke added.

Those witnessing the carnage are calling it “an apocalypse.”

Truly calamitous.

The American Red Cross is on the ground providing both logistics and shelter. Donate here.

"If you give me $500 I will give you 5000 slaps."

Not long ago, our surf world was a different place and especially on Oahu’s fabled North Shore. Bad behavior in the water was not met with police calling or social media shaming but with points to the beach and fisticuffs. Interlopers dared not even peek at iconic breaks such as Pipeline, where paks of wolves terrorized, much less dream of paddling out.

Kooks, in general, minded their Ps and Qs.

Those who thought they might be welcomed to paradise were quickly ushered to hell and few were more feared than Kala Alexander.

The specter, hailing from Kauai, very much looked the part. Fearsome eyes, knuckle tattoos, Brazilian jiujitsu training, a rap sheet. His name was whispered in hushed tones, no one wanting to draw unnecessary attention.

Times changed, as you know, a softness settling over western civilization as it identitys itself into extinction but, hours ago, Alexander reminded all that North Shore justice still exists and may simply be hibernating.

The subject of his ire?

Internet scammers.

As anyone with a phone or computer knows, messages promising money for little, or nothing, are ubiquitous. While most consider it background noise, victims are sometimes snared and Alexander has a message for those responsible.

Taking to Instagram, a forum favorited by sneaks, Da Captain declared:

So sad how much people are falling for the “give me $100 or $500 and I will give you $5000 or $8000 or whatever.” Listen people even if someone offers you 10$ if you give them $1 ITS A SCAM !!!!! Don’t do it people. Listen if anybody hits you up with the scam just send them to me I am offering this once in a lifetime deal for scam artists. All they have to do is give me $500 and I will give them 10,000 slaps. Do not shoot a video for them and do not give them any money please people don’t do it. Just send them to me.

But what do you think true market value for one slap is? $500 for 10,000 slaps seems a pretty good deal, to be honest.

In any case, have you ever fallen for a scam? Did it make you feel small and lonely?

I’m sorry.

Topsy-turvy times.

I’ll tell you what, friends. It is impossible to land on the “right side” of anything anymore (read: left side). Up is down, down is up, Liberals hate John F. Kennedy’s hunky nephew and Conservatives hate wars against Russia. Wild times, to say the least, with even the weather subject to vicious disagreement.

The current U.S. President Joe Biden appears to be getting busted for talking about sunshine, cloud, rains, etc. with a nice fella named Devon Archer and a humble surf journalist, having just celebrated his 5000th culturally valuable story, received many licks for suggesting that surfers should trade Teslas in for ’69 Camaro Super Sports seeing that climate change has been directly tied to bigger waves, at least as it concerns California.

The Journal of Geophysical Research: Oceans had analyzed nearly a century’s worth of data and concluded that wave heights, in the Golden State, have risen by an average of a foot since 1969.

“This is just another indication that overall average wave heights have increased significantly since 1970 — since the advent of the upward trend in global warming,” Peter Bromirski, researcher emeritus at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography and the study’s author, told National Public Radio.

Climate change.

Carbon in the atmosphere etc.

Well, surfers thrilling at the thought of Making Cardiff Reef Mavericks Again had allegedly been trading their earth-saving electric Teslas for ’69 Chevrolet Camaro Super Sports, the gorgeous piece of American Muscle that sports a 6.5L V8 pushing 375 hp that gets, roughly, 6.7 miles per gallon.

Pure red, white and blue (minus the blue).

What should have thrilled patriots, though, seemed to annoy.

“I’m sorry but I want 3 minutes of my life back for reading this useless article. the only thing it does is villainize surfers who like classic cars, for crying out loud man let the guy buy a car, I’m sick of Tesla fanboys claiming their car is the best thing in the world. Watch this comment get deleted for being ‘aggressive’ when all I’m doing is telling the truth lol,” wrote Brian.

“Love how the journo kook that wrote this bitches about pollution while smoking in his profile pic, what a “’bad ass,’” added Pharm to Table.

“Neutral here, that is until, I saw the ‘marxist-ass-clown’ undertones in the writing of this article. We (real Americans) are not giving up good’ol fashion American Muscle…for weakass E.V.’s that are truly destroying the planet…” Nathan concluded really bringing the issue home.

Which also raises a practical point.

Who, here, has a “weakass” E.V.? What did you drive before? Are you happy with your choice?

I, currently, am in a 2017 Toyota Tacoma 4×4 that just ticked over 100,000 miles. Should I press on to 200,000 or pull the rip and get into… what?

Help!

Also, at time of writing Brian’s comment has not only not been deleted but dubbed the 3,987,666 most aggressive comment on BeachGrit thus far.

Mazel tov.