"If you give me $500 I will give you 5000 slaps."

Not long ago, our surf world was a different place and especially on Oahu’s fabled North Shore. Bad behavior in the water was not met with police calling or social media shaming but with points to the beach and fisticuffs. Interlopers dared not even peek at iconic breaks such as Pipeline, where paks of wolves terrorized, much less dream of paddling out.

Kooks, in general, minded their Ps and Qs.

Those who thought they might be welcomed to paradise were quickly ushered to hell and few were more feared than Kala Alexander.

The specter, hailing from Kauai, very much looked the part. Fearsome eyes, knuckle tattoos, Brazilian jiujitsu training, a rap sheet. His name was whispered in hushed tones, no one wanting to draw unnecessary attention.

Times changed, as you know, a softness settling over western civilization as it identitys itself into extinction but, hours ago, Alexander reminded all that North Shore justice still exists and may simply be hibernating.

The subject of his ire?

Internet scammers.

As anyone with a phone or computer knows, messages promising money for little, or nothing, are ubiquitous. While most consider it background noise, victims are sometimes snared and Alexander has a message for those responsible.

Taking to Instagram, a forum favorited by sneaks, Da Captain declared:

So sad how much people are falling for the “give me $100 or $500 and I will give you $5000 or $8000 or whatever.” Listen people even if someone offers you 10$ if you give them $1 ITS A SCAM !!!!! Don’t do it people. Listen if anybody hits you up with the scam just send them to me I am offering this once in a lifetime deal for scam artists. All they have to do is give me $500 and I will give them 10,000 slaps. Do not shoot a video for them and do not give them any money please people don’t do it. Just send them to me.

But what do you think true market value for one slap is? $500 for 10,000 slaps seems a pretty good deal, to be honest.

In any case, have you ever fallen for a scam? Did it make you feel small and lonely?

I’m sorry.

Topsy-turvy times.

I’ll tell you what, friends. It is impossible to land on the “right side” of anything anymore (read: left side). Up is down, down is up, Liberals hate John F. Kennedy’s hunky nephew and Conservatives hate wars against Russia. Wild times, to say the least, with even the weather subject to vicious disagreement.

The current U.S. President Joe Biden appears to be getting busted for talking about sunshine, cloud, rains, etc. with a nice fella named Devon Archer and a humble surf journalist, having just celebrated his 5000th culturally valuable story, received many licks for suggesting that surfers should trade Teslas in for ’69 Camaro Super Sports seeing that climate change has been directly tied to bigger waves, at least as it concerns California.

The Journal of Geophysical Research: Oceans had analyzed nearly a century’s worth of data and concluded that wave heights, in the Golden State, have risen by an average of a foot since 1969.

“This is just another indication that overall average wave heights have increased significantly since 1970 — since the advent of the upward trend in global warming,” Peter Bromirski, researcher emeritus at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography and the study’s author, told National Public Radio.

Climate change.

Carbon in the atmosphere etc.

Well, surfers thrilling at the thought of Making Cardiff Reef Mavericks Again had allegedly been trading their earth-saving electric Teslas for ’69 Chevrolet Camaro Super Sports, the gorgeous piece of American Muscle that sports a 6.5L V8 pushing 375 hp that gets, roughly, 6.7 miles per gallon.

Pure red, white and blue (minus the blue).

What should have thrilled patriots, though, seemed to annoy.

“I’m sorry but I want 3 minutes of my life back for reading this useless article. the only thing it does is villainize surfers who like classic cars, for crying out loud man let the guy buy a car, I’m sick of Tesla fanboys claiming their car is the best thing in the world. Watch this comment get deleted for being ‘aggressive’ when all I’m doing is telling the truth lol,” wrote Brian.

“Love how the journo kook that wrote this bitches about pollution while smoking in his profile pic, what a “’bad ass,’” added Pharm to Table.

“Neutral here, that is until, I saw the ‘marxist-ass-clown’ undertones in the writing of this article. We (real Americans) are not giving up good’ol fashion American Muscle…for weakass E.V.’s that are truly destroying the planet…” Nathan concluded really bringing the issue home.

Which also raises a practical point.

Who, here, has a “weakass” E.V.? What did you drive before? Are you happy with your choice?

I, currently, am in a 2017 Toyota Tacoma 4×4 that just ticked over 100,000 miles. Should I press on to 200,000 or pull the rip and get into… what?

Help!

Also, at time of writing Brian’s comment has not only not been deleted but dubbed the 3,987,666 most aggressive comment on BeachGrit thus far.

Mazel tov.

Stab in the awkward.

The stink of former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan will live on in the memories of those who suffered (read: lived, laughed, loved) under his reign. He built monuments, during that five year run, to his own gross incompetence. Temples of profound embarrassment including “The Momentum of Professional Surfing is Real,” Surf Girls: Hawai’i and, possibly most awkward, The Ultimate Surfer.

The reality series which premiered on ABC and hosted by former NFL quarterback Jessie Palmer plus voice of surfing Joe Turpel, was a train wreck of preposterous proportion. The premise that a surf great was hiding amidst QS castoffs and influencers was ludicrous, hosting it at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch was idiotic and Zeke Lau winning then being dubbed “The Ultimate Surfer” was completely laughable.

Viewership numbers tanked immediately as the general public could smell Logan’s dubious waft from miles away and it was immediately cancelled upon finish never to be seen again.

Until.

Popular subscription surf blog Stab, as part of its Stab Highway offering, plagiarized a segment wherein contestants were forced to paddle longboards for prizes or some such.

The Stab Highway program, already plagiarized from Thrasher’s King of the Road, dusting off parts of The Ultimate Surfer and forcing the public to relieve Logan’s shame was too much, for some, and the iconic Instagram account Kook of the Day let the Oceanside-based premium website have it with a searing side-by-side comparison.

Surf fans left wondering if Stab will choose to replicate the infamous moment when Logan made a t-shirt of Brazilian champion Filipe Toledo’s chest tattoo, complete with nipples, and had the lionhearted little man undress on camera but pretend they did it first.

Oops.