Topsy-turvy times.

I’ll tell you what, friends. It is impossible to land on the “right side” of anything anymore (read: left side). Up is down, down is up, Liberals hate John F. Kennedy’s hunky nephew and Conservatives hate wars against Russia. Wild times, to say the least, with even the weather subject to vicious disagreement.

The current U.S. President Joe Biden appears to be getting busted for talking about sunshine, cloud, rains, etc. with a nice fella named Devon Archer and a humble surf journalist, having just celebrated his 5000th culturally valuable story, received many licks for suggesting that surfers should trade Teslas in for ’69 Camaro Super Sports seeing that climate change has been directly tied to bigger waves, at least as it concerns California.

The Journal of Geophysical Research: Oceans had analyzed nearly a century’s worth of data and concluded that wave heights, in the Golden State, have risen by an average of a foot since 1969.

“This is just another indication that overall average wave heights have increased significantly since 1970 — since the advent of the upward trend in global warming,” Peter Bromirski, researcher emeritus at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography and the study’s author, told National Public Radio.

Climate change.

Carbon in the atmosphere etc.

Well, surfers thrilling at the thought of Making Cardiff Reef Mavericks Again had allegedly been trading their earth-saving electric Teslas for ’69 Chevrolet Camaro Super Sports, the gorgeous piece of American Muscle that sports a 6.5L V8 pushing 375 hp that gets, roughly, 6.7 miles per gallon.

Pure red, white and blue (minus the blue).

What should have thrilled patriots, though, seemed to annoy.

“I’m sorry but I want 3 minutes of my life back for reading this useless article. the only thing it does is villainize surfers who like classic cars, for crying out loud man let the guy buy a car, I’m sick of Tesla fanboys claiming their car is the best thing in the world. Watch this comment get deleted for being ‘aggressive’ when all I’m doing is telling the truth lol,” wrote Brian.

“Love how the journo kook that wrote this bitches about pollution while smoking in his profile pic, what a “’bad ass,’” added Pharm to Table.

“Neutral here, that is until, I saw the ‘marxist-ass-clown’ undertones in the writing of this article. We (real Americans) are not giving up good’ol fashion American Muscle…for weakass E.V.’s that are truly destroying the planet…” Nathan concluded really bringing the issue home.

Which also raises a practical point.

Who, here, has a “weakass” E.V.? What did you drive before? Are you happy with your choice?

I, currently, am in a 2017 Toyota Tacoma 4×4 that just ticked over 100,000 miles. Should I press on to 200,000 or pull the rip and get into… what?

Help!

Also, at time of writing Brian’s comment has not only not been deleted but dubbed the 3,987,666 most aggressive comment on BeachGrit thus far.

Mazel tov.

Stab in the awkward.

The stink of former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan will live on in the memories of those who suffered (read: lived, laughed, loved) under his reign. He built monuments, during that five year run, to his own gross incompetence. Temples of profound embarrassment including “The Momentum of Professional Surfing is Real,” Surf Girls: Hawai’i and, possibly most awkward, The Ultimate Surfer.

The reality series which premiered on ABC and hosted by former NFL quarterback Jessie Palmer plus voice of surfing Joe Turpel, was a train wreck of preposterous proportion. The premise that a surf great was hiding amidst QS castoffs and influencers was ludicrous, hosting it at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch was idiotic and Zeke Lau winning then being dubbed “The Ultimate Surfer” was completely laughable.

Viewership numbers tanked immediately as the general public could smell Logan’s dubious waft from miles away and it was immediately cancelled upon finish never to be seen again.

Until.

Popular subscription surf blog Stab, as part of its Stab Highway offering, plagiarized a segment wherein contestants were forced to paddle longboards for prizes or some such.

The Stab Highway program, already plagiarized from Thrasher’s King of the Road, dusting off parts of The Ultimate Surfer and forcing the public to relieve Logan’s shame was too much, for some, and the iconic Instagram account Kook of the Day let the Oceanside-based premium website have it with a searing side-by-side comparison.

Surf fans left wondering if Stab will choose to replicate the infamous moment when Logan made a t-shirt of Brazilian champion Filipe Toledo’s chest tattoo, complete with nipples, and had the lionhearted little man undress on camera but pretend they did it first.

Oops.

Trouble in paradise?

No there is not one surf fan, on earth, who doesn’t have a Taj Burrow shaped hole in his, or her, heart. The former child prodigy who blazed onto the then Association of Surfing Professionals at the ripe young age of eighteen after becoming the youngest surfer ever to win a national title. Burrow turning down the tour the year previously already the stuff of legend.

His decade plus on tour was marked with scintillating second place season end finishes, Kelly Slater always first.

He also starred in notable films including Sabotaj, Montaj and Fair Bits.

Burrow retired quietly in 2016 and became a devoted family man, marrying model Rebecca Jobson in 2018 and siring two daughters.

You can, then, understand the shock and confusion surf fans felt upon visiting the Billabong star’s social media channels, earlier this morning, and discovering images and videos of a busty gal, decidedly not Rebecca, dominating his feed.

The woman, of vague descent, stared directly at the camera and wore a revealing bathing suit.

“Unfollow,” Matt declared.

“Yeah Taj!!!” Louie added.

Some posited that Burrow’s accounts may have been hacked, an internet sleuth revealing, “When you watch his story it’s just some Indian guy saying ‘swipe up, swipe up, swipe up’ over and over.”

Here’s to hoping that it is simply a south Asian misunderstanding and the family is solid.

Candles please.

Whoop there it is.

Church bells began peeling at exactly 10:06 am Pacific Standard Time as surf journalist Chas Smith pressed “publish” on his 5000th story for the culturally valuable surf blog BeachGrit. While there was some debate as to if various “Open Thread: Comment Live” pieces should count, most put aside fussy bean counting to simply take the moment in.

Smith reached the milestone after nearly nine years of tireless, oftentimes groundbreaking, reporting on topics of essential interest to surfers worldwide including, and almost limited to, Kelly Slater.

Zach Weisberg, founder of cosplay website The Inertia often featured on BeachGrit, was unavailable for comment.

While readers, worldwide, celebrated the moment by lighting candles and going not surfing, attention began turning toward what Smith’s 5001 piece might be. Early buzz suggested something possibly on a new busty brunette in former, and perpetual, world number two Taj Burrow’s life even though he seemed to be happily married.

Anticipation growing to almost dangerous levels.

More as it develops.

This story number 5000 has been brought to you by Ricmatic who would like to remind you that BeachGrit is best consumed by scrolling to the bottom of the page and simply reading the comments.