LOCALS ONLY.

The tide has, possibly, turned. The pandemic, now in the rearview, certainly did seem to spike surf participation. Our favorite pastime could be practiced outdoors, socially distanced, a thin sheen of “cool” spread panic. Those who took up the Sport of Kings, though, generally did it poorly. No knowledge of social mores, nor care. When the unwritten rules were flaunted and a local got angry, he or she was deemed as a “gatekeeper,” likely racist, or at the very least xenophobic.

Regulation on the verge of cancellation.

But yet, this morning’s edition of the Los Angeles Times includes a definitive guide to lineup etiquette that has a snarling side.

Off my wave, barn.

While written in the language that kooks understand, the rules are true and clear (except rule 5).

1. Don’t paddle if you suck.

2. Only surf soft beach break junk, at first.

3. When ready to move on, sit and observe like Rick Kane, giving wide berth to locals.

4. Surfer on peak calls shot. Don’t drop in.

5. Communicate by yelling “going left” or “going right.”

6. If given a slap, learn from it.

7. Never ditch board.

Surprising, no? And while some rules were omitted (8. If you see former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan, paddle away unless you want to be gently touched on the inner thigh), the aggressive tone is very welcome.

Speaking of the World Surf League, its official “Sports Performance and Counseling Psychologist,” Christian Glasgow, was quoted in the piece saying, “Lineups have become more crowded and more dangerous. Beginner surfers that do not know surfing etiquette were paddling out at places like Rincon and Trestles before learning the basics and becoming strong paddlers. This has caused a lot of frustration and injury for more experienced surfers. I have quite a few patients that have been injured in the last few years due to being hit by a surfboard, including significant brain injuries.”

Much to unpack here, including which professional surfer ELo brain damaged, but mostly that the World Surf League has an official Sports Performance and Counseling Psychologist.

Filipe Toledo with fewer and fewer excuses.

Going left.

INTENSE.

Mark Zuckerberg, man. And by “man” I mean MAN. The Facebook founder, once solely viewed as a vindictive nerd, has transformed himself into a vicious nerd and who would have seen that coming? Who could have? The pathway to peak end-of-the-world began when the milky 39-year-old discovered foil boarding. Befriending super boy Kai Lenny, Zuckerberg foiled here, he foiled there, he foiled everywhere.

Unfortunately, he was not cool and sometimes did it with a large American flag and sometimes did it with a face full of white cream.

Afraid of the sun.

The image became, instantly, meme-ified and Zuckerberg, while laughing it off, was most certainly frustrated by a public image he had tried so hard to chase by “riding big waves” and “doing a fair amount of extreme sports-like stuff.”

Very sad.

Well, lessons learned, etc., and now the world’s seventh richest li’l guy only wants a different sort of white cream on his face.

Testosterone.

The Palo Alto local has taken up the fight game, of late, rolling around, choking out, arm baring and what not. Various big names in the MMA world have trained with, or on, Zuckerberg and he appears to be taking it very seriously. Though in a move certainly intended to chase Scaredy Zuck away, he outfitted a barge with a wrestling floor and wrestled men on it on the water.

Extremely cool.

Business Insider reports that stars Israel Adesanya and Alexander Volkanovski were present and the whole affair was filmed and posted to Meta with a Mission Impossible soundtrack backing. It looks INTENSE.

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A post shared by Mark Zuckerberg (@zuck)

I have one quick question, though. Did billionaires of old, Rockefeller, Carnegie and the like hire old-timey photographers to follow them around while they play-acted bear wrestling then send the newspapers prints? Did Gianni Agnelli hire filmmakers to follow him around and take movies of him bouncing in a bounce house?

Just curious.

"Utah, get me two (lawyers)."

Of all the surf characters in our pantheon, from Patrick Swayze to Keanu Reeves, Matt Adler to Matt McConaughey, Gary Busey is, without doubt, the most beloved. With important roles in Big Wednesday and Point Break, the the 79-year-old with an expressive face and wily mouth has been able to capture the best, the purest of who we are both in and out of the water.

It is with much shock and dismay, then, that it appears Busey was involved in a very un-gentlemanly hit-and-run whilst driving the Pacific Coast Highway through Malibu just before America’s Labor Day. According to TMZ, a woman was minding her own business when SLAM! her back bumper became hit. Instead of stopping and exchanging information, which is customary, the offending newer Volvo station wagon zipped off.

Not about to be hit-and-runned, the woman follows in hot pursuit until the Volvo pulls into a restaurant parking lot. There she confronts the driver, who just so happens to be Gary Busey, looking peak surf chic in a baseball cap, glasses and a khaki jacket.

Very Former.

When asked why he did not stop and follow typical protocol, Busey boldly declared, “I’m private,” then forwent his lunch and zipped off again.

I’d imagine with the way the court of public opinion is these days that Busey’s angelic reputation will be tarnished.

Sad.

But back to fender benders. Of course the thing for the offender to do is stay and exchange information, but I’ve always been of the mind that the offended should usually shrug and say, “Called a bumper for a reason, amirite?” I studied in Cairo, Egypt for six months during my college years, Arabic, Islam, history etc., and I was always impressed by the way Egyptians used their bumpers. They’d use them to move cars and fit into small parking spots, use them to push traffic along, once I was even in a cab and he used his to move a pedestrian from the middle of the road all the way to its other side. They aren’t legal sticklers, like us, all decadent and in moral and cultural decline.

Maybe the woman in the Busey exchange should think about that.

Walk like an Egyptian.