Our surf world has mostly steered clear of the toxic polarization of our modern times. Left hating right and vice versa. A real desire to lock up anyone with a different opinion. Disagreement turning to unrefined hatred. It is unfortunate but surfers, again, semi-immune. We all agree that Finals Day at Lower Trestles is an embarrassing way to crown a champion, those who ride longboards have given up on life, surf hats, even if they save a life, should not be worn.
A generally happy family… until today.
For today, a video clip from Huntington Beach has begun to make the rounds and surfers are finding themselves in pitched camps.
Captured from the pier, a man wearing an orange wetsuit is seen burning a man wearing a black wetsuit. After the orange wetsuit man hits the lip with bad form, the black wetsuit man shoots his board right at him, potentially causing much harm.
Many are arguing that the shooter was completely out of line, criminal even.
Many others are arguing that the shootee deserved it for blatantly dropping in.
The reanimated corpse of Surfer magazine is misspeciesing the drop-in as a “snake.”
Expected, I suppose, as artificial intelligence learns our vernacular.
Back to the situation, though. Is there a middle ground?
I trust your weekend was a good one filled with enjoyable food, drink and service. Mine certainly was as I advised and assisted New Englanders in navigating Hurricane Lee with much success. Locals were extremely pleased as I taught them how to lightly horde and shame those who were not taking breezes seriously.
The weekend was, unfortunately, not so wonderful for Higor Fiuza, whom you certainly remember. The Brazilian (?) who splashed into the collective conscious two weeks ago by taking his pet python surfing on Australia’s Gold Coast. While some accused him of “bringing sand to the beach,” hundreds of others were moved by the whimsicality of the act alongside Mr. Fiuza’s ability to understand snakes.
“Usually when she doesn’t like something she starts hissing but she doesn’t hiss [in the water], she is always chill,” he told Channel 9 News.
Parseltongue.
The animal would cling to Mr. Fiuza’s neck while he ripped a longboard all chill and styley.
Very cool.
But leave it to Australia, land of draconian “no fun,” to squash the smiles
Queensland’s Department of Environment and Science says it began investigating the surfing duo after Mr Fiuza appeared in local media, and this week issued him a fine of A$2,322 (£1,207; $1,495).
Taking native pets out in public can cause them “unnecessary stress” and could make them “behave in an unpredictable way”, wildlife officer Jonathan McDonald said in a statement.
“Snakes are obviously cold-blooded animals, and while they can swim, reptiles generally avoid water,” he said.
“The python would have found the water to be extremely cold, and the only snakes that should be in the ocean are sea snakes.”
I wish there was a GoFundMe where we could all share in Mr. Fiuza’s fine but alas, I could not find one.
In any case, what do you feel, in general, about surfing animals? Ducks, dogs, cats, chickens etc. have each made headlines during the past year surfing it up. Does it make you giggle or angry?
GOATs only?
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The two-time world small-wave champion Filipe Toledo, winner of J-Bay in 2023. | Photo: WSL
Rumour: Reclusive billionaire owner of professional surfing set to cancel Jeffrey’s Bay Open after event revealed to be “financially unviable”
“Without a functioning business model to wean itself off State Tourism bodies the WSL is locked in a prison of its own making.”
It ain’t cheap to run a CT surfing contest. For the construction, the broadcast, for Smoking Joe Turpel to mouth inanities for a week straight, it’s gonna be three mill, and then some.
The testosterone-squirting big-wave icon Ian Cairns, who bulldozed the IPS tour in 1983 to create the ASP only for it to eventually fall into reclusive billionaire Dirk Ziff’s hands in 2012, says y’definitely ain’t getting change out of three bricks and probs gonna cost even more if you want to add in the cost of the Santa Monica HQ and so on.
The publishing heir Ziff, who’s worth around six billion, threw twenty-five mill straight into the pro surfing hole and by 2016, according a 2017 lawsuit filed by a minority owner of the WSL, had spent fifty mill, although this did include Slater’s Lemoore pool, the WSL’s one glittering investment.
Still, a smart man ain’t gonna throw good money after bad and, now, one of the most popular events on the ten-event tour schedule, the Jeffreys Bay Open, is on the cutting block according to sources who say the blue-chip contest is “financially unviable.”
Or, in shorthand, no government body in South Africa is prepared to throw millions into a two-week contest that delivers a short-lived boost to the local economy.
The dearly departed Longtom often wrote of the WSL’s reliance on government largesse
“Without a functioning business model to wean itself off State Tourism bodies the WSL is locked in a prison of its own making.”
"Natural-looking surfer curls in any type of hair without beach waves."
Appropriation, man. The biggest problem of our day. People wandering around “culture” like it is a giant buffet just picking and choosing what they dig, trying it, seeing if it is “tasty” or not all while completely ignoring the pain and suffering associated with various items or styles. Take designer Marc Jacobs trotting his all-white models down the runway sporting dreadlocks, Avatar: Way of Water wherein actors employed “blueface” to cosplay people of color, Coldplay turning the country of India in a “white person’s fevered dream.”
Or Surf Spray 2.0 from Surf Cosmetic.
“Surf Spray 2.0…” according to the website ” …is the perfect product for those who want beach waves without the beach. Our improved formula helps create natural-looking surfer curls in any type of hair. With just a few sprays, you’ll have more volume and texture that lasts the whole day.”
Natural-looking surfer curls in any type of hair without beach waves.
Without getting pounded by an errant Wavestorm rolling though the lineup, having to yell at an errant Barney missing his Wavestorm, missing the section because of a hand slip during take-off and having it haunt the rest of your day, stepping in tar on the beach then grinding into your wax, accidentally grabbing a 4/3 instead of a 3/2 and being way to hot while bobbing so unzipping the shoulder zip but then getting flushed and being really cold etc.
Appropriation, man.
Sucks.
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“I knew that it was going to be the biggest river wave ever ridden. It was sending me everywhere. I was like, ‘Don’t fall on this, Jamie. Don’t fall.’ I couldn’t control my board, and I honestly just fell right back. It’s like a 10 or 12 foot wave, and it sucked me back." | Photo: @whoisjob
Carrot-topped king of Pipeline Jamie O’Brien nearly killed in freak novelty wave accident!
"Death is a stone’s throw away, always, but to realise that. I was overwhelmed. It was one of the heaviest moments of my life.
The carrot-topped king of Pipeline and sad-eyed degenerate Jamie O’Brien, who is forty, has reprised his near-death at the Waimea Bay rivermouth from last winter.
Do you remember?
The famous Waimea River had become swollen like never before following wild rains (climate change, non-use of recycling bins, driving cars with internal combustion engines etc) and locals had opened it up to create the biggest rivermouth waves ever seen.
Jamie tried to ride it only to be sucked out to sea and when he eventually returned he said he’d almost died.
“Gnarliest experience ever…I got sucked into the vortex of all vortexes!”
Now, in a piece to camera on YouTube, O’Brien has taken his one million fans back to that terrible day.
“I knew that it was going to be the biggest river wave ever ridden. It was sending me everywhere. I was like, ‘Don’t fall on this, Jamie. Don’t fall.’ I couldn’t control my board, and I honestly just fell right back. It’s like a 10 or 12 foot wave, and it sucked me back. Then there was another wave, and it was just as big, and I’m like, ‘oh my god. I’m gonna die. My leash is gonna break. I’m in a very bad spot.
“That wave just tumbles me, and tumbles me, and tumbles me…then, boom. It lets me out where the river meets the ocean. And the [ocean] waves were 15 feet. Huge Waimea. Probably one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done in my life. I don’t even know where I am. I pop up in the middle of Waimea Bay, 300 yards out in the middle of the ocean and the waves are 15 feet. Not a good idea.”
Dying in novelty waves is a speciality for O’Brien. Five years ago, he almost perished among rocks at Waikiki during a one-foot swell.
Fooling around in Waikiki, Jamie was examining an interesting rock on a breakwall and “stating the obvious,” says Jamie, “I turned my back on the ocean. Honestly, I had put my hand up in front of my face at the last second and I face-planted into my hand. It almost knocked me out just hitting my hand. I almost died at one-foot Waikiki. I almost died at one-foot Waikiki. Frick. I got so lucky.
“I was thinking about it a lot. You do all this crazy shit your whole career, crazy waves, sitting yourself on fire, and you almost die at one-foot Waikiki. Death is a stone’s throw away, always, but to realise that. I was overwhelmed. It was one of the heaviest moments of my life. I still trip out when I watch the clip. That night, I was laying in bed, thinking, that I almost died at Waikiki. Literally.”
