Surf world sharply divided as video of
surfer shooting board at drop-in goes viral!
By Chas Smith
Big trouble in Surf City.
Our surf world has mostly steered clear of the
toxic polarization of our modern times. Left hating right and vice
versa. A real desire to lock up anyone with a different opinion.
Disagreement turning to unrefined hatred. It is unfortunate but
surfers, again, semi-immune. We all agree that Finals Day at Lower
Trestles is an embarrassing way to crown a champion, those who ride
longboards have given up on life, surf hats, even if they save a
life, should not be worn.
A generally happy family… until today.
For today, a video clip from Huntington Beach has begun to make
the rounds and surfers are finding themselves in pitched camps.
Captured from the pier, a man wearing an orange wetsuit is seen
burning a man wearing a black wetsuit. After the orange wetsuit man
hits the lip with bad form, the black wetsuit man shoots his board
right at him, potentially causing much harm.
Many are arguing that the shooter was completely out of line,
criminal even.
Many others are arguing that the shootee deserved it for
blatantly dropping in.
The reanimated corpse of Surfer magazine is misspeciesing the
drop-in as a “snake.”
Expected, I suppose, as artificial intelligence learns our
vernacular.
Back to the situation, though. Is there a middle ground?
Whimsical bon vivant who brought joy to
hundreds by surfing with his pet python tracked down and brutalized
by Australian authorities!
By Chas Smith
Rude.
I trust your weekend was a good one filled with
enjoyable food, drink and service. Mine certainly was as I advised
and assisted New Englanders in navigating Hurricane Lee with much
success. Locals were extremely pleased as I taught them how to
lightly horde and shame those who were not taking breezes
seriously.
The weekend was, unfortunately, not so wonderful for Higor
Fiuza, whom you certainly remember. The Brazilian (?) who splashed
into the collective conscious two weeks ago by taking his pet
python surfing on Australia’s Gold Coast. While some accused him of
“bringing sand to the
beach,” hundreds of others were moved by the
whimsicality of the act alongside Mr. Fiuza’s ability to understand
snakes.
“Usually when she doesn’t like something she starts hissing but
she doesn’t hiss [in the water], she is always chill,” he told
Channel 9 News.
Parseltongue.
The animal would cling to Mr. Fiuza’s neck while he ripped a
longboard all chill and styley.
Very cool.
But leave it to Australia, land of draconian “no fun,” to squash
the smiles
Queensland’s Department of Environment and Science says it
began investigating the surfing duo after Mr Fiuza appeared in
local media, and this week issued him a fine of A$2,322 (£1,207;
$1,495).
Taking native pets out in public can cause them “unnecessary
stress” and could make them “behave in an unpredictable way”,
wildlife officer Jonathan McDonald said in a statement.
“Snakes are obviously cold-blooded animals, and while they
can swim, reptiles generally avoid water,” he said.
“The python would have found the water to be extremely cold,
and the only snakes that should be in the ocean are sea
snakes.”
I wish there was a GoFundMe where we could all share in Mr.
Fiuza’s fine but alas, I could not find one.
In any case, what do you feel, in general, about surfing
animals? Ducks, dogs, cats, chickens etc. have each made headlines
during the past year surfing it up. Does it make you giggle or
angry?
GOATs only?
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The two-time world small-wave champion Filipe Toledo,
winner of J-Bay in 2023. | Photo: WSL
Rumour: Reclusive billionaire owner of
professional surfing set to cancel Jeffrey’s Bay Open after event
revealed to be “financially unviable”
By Derek Rielly
“Without a functioning business model to wean
itself off State Tourism bodies the WSL is locked in a prison of
its own making.”
It ain’t cheap to run a CT surfing contest. For the
construction, the broadcast, for Smoking Joe Turpel to mouth
inanities for a week straight, it’s gonna be three mill, and then
some.
The testosterone-squirting big-wave icon Ian Cairns, who
bulldozed the IPS tour in 1983 to create the ASP only for it to
eventually fall into reclusive billionaire Dirk Ziff’s hands in
2012, says y’definitely ain’t getting change out of three bricks
and probs gonna cost even more if you want to add in the cost of
the Santa Monica HQ and so on.
The publishing heir Ziff, who’s worth around six billion, threw
twenty-five mill straight into the pro surfing hole and by 2016,
according a 2017 lawsuit filed by a minority owner of the WSL, had
spent fifty mill, although this did include Slater’s Lemoore pool,
the WSL’s one glittering investment.
Still, a smart man ain’t gonna throw good money after bad and,
now, one of the most popular events on the ten-event tour schedule,
the Jeffreys Bay Open, is on the cutting block according to sources
who say the blue-chip contest is “financially
unviable.”
Or, in shorthand, no government body in South Africa is prepared
to throw millions into a two-week contest that delivers a
short-lived boost to the local economy.
The dearly departed Longtom often wrote of the WSL’s reliance on
government largesse
“Without a functioning business model to wean itself off State
Tourism bodies the WSL is locked in a prison of its own making.”
Surfers grow furious at wild appropriation
as new hair product promises to give man on the street famed
“surfer hair” without “beach waves!”
By Chas Smith
"Natural-looking surfer curls in any type of hair
without beach waves."
Appropriation, man. The biggest problem of our
day. People wandering around “culture” like it is a giant buffet
just picking and choosing what they dig, trying it, seeing if it is
“tasty” or not all while completely ignoring the pain and suffering
associated with various items or styles. Take designer Marc Jacobs
trotting his all-white models down the runway sporting dreadlocks,
Avatar: Way of Water wherein actors employed “blueface” to
cosplay people of color, Coldplay turning the country of India in a
“white person’s fevered
dream.”
Or Surf Spray 2.0 from Surf Cosmetic.
“Surf Spray 2.0…” according to the website ” …is the perfect
product for those who want beach waves without the beach. Our
improved formula helps create natural-looking surfer curls in any
type of hair. With just a few sprays, you’ll have more volume and
texture that lasts the whole day.”
Natural-looking surfer curls in any type of hair without beach
waves.
Without getting pounded by an errant Wavestorm rolling though
the lineup, having to yell at an errant Barney missing his
Wavestorm, missing the section because of a hand slip during
take-off and having it haunt the rest of your day, stepping in tar
on the beach then grinding into your wax, accidentally grabbing a
4/3 instead of a 3/2 and being way to hot while bobbing so
unzipping the shoulder zip but then getting flushed and being
really cold etc.
Appropriation, man.
Sucks.
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“I knew that it was going to be the biggest river wave
ever ridden. It was sending me everywhere. I was like, ‘Don’t fall
on this, Jamie. Don’t fall.’ I couldn’t control my board, and I
honestly just fell right back. It’s like a 10 or 12 foot wave, and
it sucked me back." | Photo: @whoisjob
Carrot-topped king of Pipeline Jamie
O’Brien nearly killed in freak novelty wave accident!
By Derek Rielly
"Death is a stone’s throw away, always, but to
realise that. I was overwhelmed. It was one of the heaviest moments
of my life.
The carrot-topped king of Pipeline and sad-eyed
degenerate Jamie O’Brien, who is forty, has reprised his near-death
at the Waimea Bay rivermouth from last winter.
Do you remember?
The famous Waimea River had become swollen like never before
following wild rains (climate change, non-use of recycling bins,
driving cars with internal combustion engines etc) and locals had
opened it up to create the biggest rivermouth waves ever seen.
Jamie tried to ride it only to be sucked out to sea and when he
eventually returned he said he’d almost died.
“Gnarliest experience ever…I got sucked into the vortex of all
vortexes!”
Now, in a piece to camera on YouTube, O’Brien has taken his one
million fans back to that terrible day.
“I knew that it was going to be the biggest river wave ever
ridden. It was sending me everywhere. I was like, ‘Don’t fall on
this, Jamie. Don’t fall.’ I couldn’t control my board, and I
honestly just fell right back. It’s like a 10 or 12 foot wave, and
it sucked me back. Then there was another wave, and it was just as
big, and I’m like, ‘oh my god. I’m gonna die. My leash is gonna
break. I’m in a very bad spot.
“That wave just tumbles me, and tumbles me, and tumbles me…then,
boom. It lets me out where the river meets the ocean. And the
[ocean] waves were 15 feet. Huge Waimea. Probably one of the
dumbest things I’ve ever done in my life. I don’t even know where I
am. I pop up in the middle of Waimea Bay, 300 yards out in the
middle of the ocean and the waves are 15 feet. Not a good
idea.”
Dying in novelty waves is a speciality for O’Brien. Five years
ago, he almost perished among rocks at Waikiki during a one-foot
swell.
Fooling around in Waikiki, Jamie was examining an interesting
rock on a breakwall and “stating the obvious,” says Jamie, “I
turned my back on the ocean. Honestly, I had put my hand up in
front of my face at the last second and I face-planted into my
hand. It almost knocked me out just hitting my hand. I almost died
at one-foot Waikiki. I almost died at one-foot Waikiki.
Frick. I got so lucky.
“I was thinking about it a lot. You do all this crazy shit your
whole career, crazy waves, sitting yourself on fire, and you almost
die at one-foot Waikiki. Death is a stone’s throw away, always, but
to realise that. I was overwhelmed. It was one of the
heaviest moments of my life. I still trip out when I watch the
clip. That night, I was laying in bed, thinking, that I almost died
at Waikiki. Literally.”