Kelly Slater and Bikram Choudhury.
Kelly Slater, young and beautiful, and disgraced hot yoga king Bikram Choudhury.

Kelly Slater reveals guilt over sordid history of Bikram Choudhury in new interview!

Derek Rielly

By

“Then (Bikram Choudhury) tried to touch me!”

Just when you thought there was nothing left to know about Kelly Slater, multiple new story lines, including his view on hot yoga pioneer Bikram Choudhury, have been revealed.

Let us set the scene. 

Kelly Slater is in the recording pod of Stephen Glover aka Steve-O for an episode of his show, Steve-O’s Wild Ride! It is very popular and counts 1.63 million subscribers. Steve-O’s Wild Ride! has been running for three years and includes co-hosts Scott Randolph and Vincent Imperati aka Skinny Vinnie. 

There is much sexual excitement in the air, of course.

Steve O’s sadistic and masochistic overtones fitting into Kelly Slater’s long life as a sexual emblem. Together, they form one of the most intense and abrupt images of convulsive beauty you’ll ever see. 

First, the conversation turns to yoga, a holistic discipline that combines physical postures and ethical principles to promote physical and spiritual well-being. It does very few of these things in my experience except breed a superior minded person with stretched out tendons. 

Steve-O mentions he tried the activity once whereupon Kelly Slater trumps his host with talk of his love of hot yoga, a superior version of regular yoga created by Indian man Bikram Choudhury. It is recommended only for those in the most robust of health.

Steve-O asks if Slater watched the Netflix documentary Bikram: Yogi, Guru, Predator. The show paints the hot yoga pioneer in a poor light, Bikram apparently revelling in “sexual harassment, rape and maniacal control.”

Kelly Slater makes light of the Indian narcissus’s alleged crimes, “Then he tried to touch me!” and says he “felt bad” doing Bikram yoga.

Shortly after, Slater’s stint on Baywatch where he appeared in 27  episodes between 1992 and 1993 as Jimmy Slade, is discussed.

Slater says he threw the audition his manager organised, didn’t want to be there and deliberately acted poorly,

“They called a day or two later and said they loved me”.

Incredibly, says Slater, he was paid only $2500 per episode.

Even better, as a kid Slater saw himself becoming a comedic actor like Steve Martin.

“We spent endless hours watching The Jerk” and says both his parents were stars of the stage in Florida. 

Other highlights include never-before-discussed elements of Mick Fanning and Slater’s brush with White Death at Jeffrey’s Bay. 

Essential. 

Sam George (insert) mocking. Photo: Maverick's
Sam George (insert) mocking. Photo: Maverick's

Surf guru viciously mocks those who surf Maverick’s!

Chas Smith

By

"Half-hearted attempts to paddle in from the shoulder, scattering at the approach of every big set..."

When Sam George speaks, vulnerable adult learners listen. Those who picked up Wavestorms since, or during, Covid need much advice. Unlike us, they didn’t get to hear rumors of rumors about the way to do things from crusty elders. There was no one to shame them on the beach for leashing far up the beach then tripping on it all the way to water’s edge. No one to curse them thoroughly for “being there.”

And so Sam George.

The self-proclaimed Maverick has has found a perfect platform in order to share wisdoms and truths with the clueless. Those tender technology workers and lower-level pharmaceutical salespeople who discovered the health and wellness qualities of surfing plus “the stoke.” These timid hordes used to direction.

The “definitive voice of surfing.”

The latest bit of Maverick advice?

How to approach the “unceded land of the indigenous Ramaytush Ohlone tribe.”

Otherwise known as “San Francisco.”

In short, and first, they should enjoy “fun to medium-sized waves at Kelly’s Cove.” The Big Kahuna left it up to his charges to discern the difference between “fun” and “medium-sized.” Second, paddle Fort Point, the “world’s most picturesque surf spot.” Third, head down to Deadman’s, a very localized wave. Fourth, Ocean Beach, of course, where they can properly get in the way.

Last, book passage on a boat and viciously mock those who surf Maverick’s.

“There’s the 50 surfers out there, rafting up in their never-deployed Quiksilver and Patagonia inflatable vests, occasionally making half-hearted attempts to paddle in from the shoulder, scattering at the approach of every big set,” he writes, twisting the knife with “but at the end of the day being able to say (so long as nobody asks to see any of their waves on Surfline’s cam rewind) that yeah, they were out at Maverick’s,” before concluding, “You’ll experience every truly awesome Maverick’s moment that the shoulder jockeys do – and like just them, with your hair dry.”

Ouch!

Has any collection of surfers been so burned?

Are you one of those Maverick’s barneys?

How does that make you feel?

You are amongst friends.

Joe and Doz weigh into Hamas v Iz war.

Surfer Shane Dorian wades into Hamas vs Israel fracas with Joe Rogan

Derek Rielly

By

“Is this the last days of normal civilisation?” asks Smoking Joe Rogan.

The insanely popular podcaster, and rare voice of the centre with perhaps a slight right-ish lean, Joe Rogan, has taken on the mighty task of examining the Hamas v Israel war with the big-wave superstar Shane Dorian.

Shane Dorian, whom you’ll remember from his epic debut on BeachGrit in 2014 where he instructed readers on how to catch a twenty-foot wave and maybe a little later later when he discussed what it’s like to have a pretty baby deer die in your arms, joined Rogan for what is mostly a talk about stem cell treatment, hunting and eating meat.

All pet topics for Joe Rogan.

All very good, all well told by two charismatic men, interesting anecdotes fluttering between the two, nothing hysterical, just a couple of good ol boys doin’ what they do.

It lights up when Shane Dorian steers the conversation towards the Hamas v Israel war, which began on October 7 after Hamas terrorists, also the democratically elected government of Gaza, fed their blood lust for killing Hebes, prompting an understandable retaliation by the besieged Jewish nation.

“I don’t know if this is going to take us down a rabbit hole but…” says Dorian.

“I like rabbit holes,” says Joe.

“I was just…tripping” says Dorian, “We’re here in your studio talking about bow-hunting and food and there’s a war, there’s, like, people putting missiles together into some launcher thing right now and (Dorian makes launch and explosion sounds)…psssssh…pfffffow!”

“Israel’s about to invade Gaza,” says Joe. “They’re talking about a ground invasion of Gaza.”

“That’s so gnarly!” said Dorian.

“It’s so terrifying because we’re so close to World War III,” says Joe. “We’re so close.”

“It’s no joke, man,” says Dorian.

Essential.

#TapIntoTahiti
#TapIntoTahiti

Olympic surfing seeks influencer to “Tap into Tahiti!”

Chas Smith

By

Desperately seeking the next Joe Turpel!

The 2024 Olympics is almost here. This summer will see various runners, swimmers and fencers descending upon Paris, France. It will also see surfers purchasing tickets and flying halfway across the world to Tahiti. Yes, Teahupo’o will host the wave sliding portion of the Games though trouble is brewing. Protestors, for example, are publicly very angry about organizers replacing the wooden judging tower on the reef with a mangy aluminum one. Sitting world champion, Filipe Toledo, is privately fuming that his least favorite wave will determine who is adorned in gold.

Well, in any case, America’s National Broadcasting Corporation, which holds the rights to Olympic coverage, is excited about it all and actively seeking an influencer to cover the fireworks. NBC sent out a casting call, overnight, seeking a “content creator” to make TikToks for the surf fan audience.

Tap in to Tahiti

The program, which will select its candidate based upon “skills, style, technical expertise and ability to inspire,” is asking applicants to send a 30-second video. The bold and beautiful are instructed to describe a “gold-medal worthy day” at the beach. They are required to use the hashtag #TapIntoTahiti2024.

While you might be tempted to participate, I think the leading candidate must be OnlyFans star Nathan Florence. He is a fine performer in Tahiti already.

Or maybe movie star handsome Ben Gravy.

Recently disgraced Selema Masekela certainly in desperate need of help to “tap in to” anything?

The handicapped boy who couldn’t duck dive Pipeline?

Do you have any better ideas?

While you are thinking, do you imagine this influencer push by NBC is a slight mistake? That the executives and producers don’t know that youth participation in surfing has plummeted?

You’ll remember when Derek Rielly reported a couple of years back when the “organisers of a surfing contest in New Zealand were forced to add a new age-group after an eighty-year-old kneeboarder signed up.”

Maybe the kneeboarder should give the influencer gig a go.

Tahiti time.

Food for thought.

The great Joey Cabell sliding through secrets.
The great Joey Cabell sliding through secrets.

Surf-adjacent rumor rocks NBA on season opener!

Chas Smith

By

The NBA game is fast and fun. The playoff format is sensible and does not end at Lower Trestles. And its rumors sizzle like bacon!

The surf world is small but it does have tentacles everywhere. Like, someone knows someone knows someone who knows a surfer. And, thus, we find ourselves on the Hawaiian island of Oahu. But before we dig in, are you a fan of professional basketball at its highest level? The World Surf League of that sport, called the National Basketball Association, is, by my account, the finest there is.

The NBA game is fast and fun. Its stars shine brightly, dating and marrying starlets. The playoff format is sensible and does not end at Lower Trestles. There have been whole wonderful and different basketball eras. Showtime, Bird and the Parish, Dead Ball, the reign of His Airness, twenty years of Bron, and more.

Winning Time

But back to Oahu where we find our hero, Joey Cabell. Now, you must recall the “finest all-around surfer in the world,” circa the 1960s. He was one of the first thread the tube, re-engaged with surfing as boards got shorter and, most importantly, co-founded the Chart House restaurant.

Have you ever eaten at a Chart House? It is one of the greatest pleasures of mid-40s life. I recommend going early, at 5:00 pm or such and ordering a Grey Goose dirty martini with blue cheese olives and a dozen oysters with your better half. Next, share a prime rib with jus and extra fresh horseradish. Add one side salad et voila.

The first Chart House was in… I can’t remember. The second, Honolulu, I think, where Cabell lived. At the time, he was married to Los Angeles Laker star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s ex-wife.

Well, The Captain allegedly told her, when they were coupled, that other Laker star Magic Johnston and Piston’s dynamo Isiah Thomas had some sort of “special relationship.”

Spicy.

Even if you cannot believe, that is why the NBA is > than the WSL.

Zest.

If two professional surfers were to carry on, secretly, which two would you most wish for?

Nice choice.

David Lee Scales and I, anyhow, discussed this bombshell alongside… you know, I can’t remember that either. Take some headphones down to your local Chart House on a journey of discovery and enjoy.

Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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