"Half-hearted attempts to paddle in from the shoulder, scattering at the approach of every big set..."

When Sam George speaks, vulnerable adult learners listen. Those who picked up Wavestorms since, or during, Covid need much advice. Unlike us, they didn’t get to hear rumors of rumors about the way to do things from crusty elders. There was no one to shame them on the beach for leashing far up the beach then tripping on it all the way to water’s edge. No one to curse them thoroughly for “being there.”

And so Sam George.

The self-proclaimed Maverick has has found a perfect platform in order to share wisdoms and truths with the clueless. Those tender technology workers and lower-level pharmaceutical salespeople who discovered the health and wellness qualities of surfing plus “the stoke.” These timid hordes used to direction.

The “definitive voice of surfing.”

The latest bit of Maverick advice?

How to approach the “unceded land of the indigenous Ramaytush Ohlone tribe.”

Otherwise known as “San Francisco.”

In short, and first, they should enjoy “fun to medium-sized waves at Kelly’s Cove.” The Big Kahuna left it up to his charges to discern the difference between “fun” and “medium-sized.” Second, paddle Fort Point, the “world’s most picturesque surf spot.” Third, head down to Deadman’s, a very localized wave. Fourth, Ocean Beach, of course, where they can properly get in the way.

Last, book passage on a boat and viciously mock those who surf Maverick’s.

“There’s the 50 surfers out there, rafting up in their never-deployed Quiksilver and Patagonia inflatable vests, occasionally making half-hearted attempts to paddle in from the shoulder, scattering at the approach of every big set,” he writes, twisting the knife with “but at the end of the day being able to say (so long as nobody asks to see any of their waves on Surfline’s cam rewind) that yeah, they were out at Maverick’s,” before concluding, “You’ll experience every truly awesome Maverick’s moment that the shoulder jockeys do – and like just them, with your hair dry.”

Ouch!

Has any collection of surfers been so burned?

Are you one of those Maverick’s barneys?

How does that make you feel?

You are amongst friends.

Desperately seeking the next Joe Turpel!

The 2024 Olympics is almost here. This summer will see various runners, swimmers and fencers descending upon Paris, France. It will also see surfers purchasing tickets and flying halfway across the world to Tahiti. Yes, Teahupo’o will host the wave sliding portion of the Games though trouble is brewing. Protestors, for example, are publicly very angry about organizers replacing the wooden judging tower on the reef with a mangy aluminum one. Sitting world champion, Filipe Toledo, is privately fuming that his least favorite wave will determine who is adorned in gold.

Well, in any case, America’s National Broadcasting Corporation, which holds the rights to Olympic coverage, is excited about it all and actively seeking an influencer to cover the fireworks. NBC sent out a casting call, overnight, seeking a “content creator” to make TikToks for the surf fan audience.

Tap in to Tahiti

The program, which will select its candidate based upon “skills, style, technical expertise and ability to inspire,” is asking applicants to send a 30-second video. The bold and beautiful are instructed to describe a “gold-medal worthy day” at the beach. They are required to use the hashtag #TapIntoTahiti2024.

While you might be tempted to participate, I think the leading candidate must be OnlyFans star Nathan Florence. He is a fine performer in Tahiti already.

Or maybe movie star handsome Ben Gravy.

Recently disgraced Selema Masekela certainly in desperate need of help to “tap in to” anything?

The handicapped boy who couldn’t duck dive Pipeline?

Do you have any better ideas?

While you are thinking, do you imagine this influencer push by NBC is a slight mistake? That the executives and producers don’t know that youth participation in surfing has plummeted?

You’ll remember when Derek Rielly reported a couple of years back when the “organisers of a surfing contest in New Zealand were forced to add a new age-group after an eighty-year-old kneeboarder signed up.”

Maybe the kneeboarder should give the influencer gig a go.

Tahiti time.

Food for thought.