Gabriel Medina (left) celebrates pal Neymar Jr. Photo: World Surf League
Gabriel Medina (left) celebrates pal Neymar Jr. Photo: World Surf League

Surf star Gabriel Medina “close” pal Neymar Jr. takes off clothes!

A way forward for the beleaguered surf industry?

The surf industry is hurting. It is a known fact and not surprising though still sad. Sad like the dew on Neymar Jr.’s eyes. We used to tower above other industries in terms of “cool” and “style.” We used to parade down catwalks and models would look upon us with stars in their eyes. Movie stars wore us. Our titans ruled benevolently with names like Bob McKnight and Bob Hurley.

The world was our oyster and also Neymar Jr’s.

But then it wasn’t ours though still probably Neymar Jr.’s.

At first, the Quiksilvers, Billabongs, RVCAs, Hurleys and Rip Curls went into recession. They cut staff then cut staff again in various bids to “reorganize.” Next came selling to “management companies” or hedge funds that promised smarter and better “reorganization.” Finally all the brands were bundled into one brand dubbed Authentic Brands Group and turned into bath bomb companies.

Where to go from here?

While all hope seems lost, the aforementioned Neymar Jr. might provide an important key. You know the Brazilian soccer star as the “wildly close” pal of two-time world surf champion Gabriel Medina. The two regularly make splashes in Portuguese-language tabloids.

One, Midiario, wrote, “Communicators say that they (Medina and Neymar Jr.) have maintained a friendship since childhood, but it is not ‘normal’ to see that of men here.”

BeachGrit‘s Derek Rielly added, “Love rules, I think, and rarely fails to win.”

Might he have been prescient?

Enter Kim Kardashian

With the surf industry in tatters, Neymar Jr. has decided to take an underpants sponsorship from the newly launched Skims for Men.

Kim Kardashian co-founded the “shape wear” company that makes lounge wear, lingerie and accessories including bras, underwear, bodysuits. It now also makes men’s undergarments.

Kim Kardashian said, “To have an icon like Neymar Jr be the face of our launch campaign, along with NBA All-Star, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and NFL’s top Defensive Player Nick Bosa, I think speaks volumes to the way SKIMS has evolved into becoming a brand that can provide comfort for all audiences, not just for women.”

She did not sign, nor mention, Gabriel Medina but is that a possibility in the near future?

Kolohe Andino too?

Should BeachGrit quickly launch a men’s lingerie line in order to be on the bleeding edge of a “new-and-improved” surf industry?

Currently more questions than answers.

Influencer flirts with Oahu danger. Photo: Instagram
Influencer flirts with Oahu danger. Photo: Instagram

Influencers lured into dangerous Oahu surf with false advertising!

"They don’t see the danger, they just see it as some place beautiful and they want to jump in."

There are many dumb things to do on/for Instagram. Do a gender reveal party. Dress up the family up like Super Mario characters for Halloween. Create sandals from the moon and turtle shells. Delete all comments after being publicly accused of deception by an Academy Award-winning ex-girlfriend. Go somewhere in Oahu, take a selfie jumping off a cliff into the water and get swept out to sea.

China Walls, in the shadow of Diamond Head, is an ideal place for the latter. There is a beautiful park on the blue Pacific only thirty minutes from downtown Honolulu. The sun puts on a wonderful show when it sets though the wave, below, is one of the most dangerous on the island of Oahu. It is a left races along a lava shoal that turns into a scintillating cliff.

All very desirable and peak Instagram fire emoji-getter.

Except, as mentioned, disaster lurks.

On Thursday, a tourist from New York went to Oahu’s China Walls and jumped into the water. He hit his head on the lava ledge. The surf grabbed his body then attempted to take him down to Davey Jones’ Locker though thankfully, surfer Brian Lauro was there to save the day.

“I’ve seen bodies dragged all the way to the finger before and it was a big enough wave,” he told the local ABC news affiliate. “I was able to spot him in the water and he was face down right off the point of the finger. Right near where there were some surfers, but he was face down and unconscious in the water.”

Lauro brought the unconscious man to shore where paramedics intervened.

Blame Oahu tourist maps

Lauro blamed tourist maps that make Oahu’s China Walls look user-friendly.

TripAdvisor, a go-to resource for barneys, calls China Walls “breathtaking” and insists tourists go and jump and enjoy.

Hawaii Vacation Fun adds, “If you’re interested in geology or if you just want a nice backdrop for your family Hawaii vacation photo, make a quick stop at China Walls during your scenic Hawaii sightseeing adventure. Don’t worry… it’s not as boring as I just made it sound.”

Lauro shook his head. He said, “(The tourists) just don’t know the water, they don’t know the waves. They didn’t see the five signs entering the park that said the waves break on the ledges and it’s dangerous surf. It’s one of the most dangerous places in the state. They don’t see it that way, they just see it as some place beautiful and they want to jump in.”

Tourists, man.

Especially on Oahu.

Nicolas Cage and Taj Burrow's Nautilus House

See inside Taj Burrow’s multi-million dollar Nautilus House, temporary home to Nicolas Cage!

“The master bathtub was positioned to have a commanding view of the client's favourite surf break."

The Western Australian surf great Taj Burrow is one of the few high-profile shredders from the nineties who didn’t invest his formidable bankroll, at least entirely, in hookers, Balinese bars and coke. 

Instead, Burrow, who is forty-five, has built a fine property portfolio, which includes an acreage out the back of Yallingup, Western Australia, where he grew up, and at one time a Tuscan-inspired villa overlooking Sydney’s most fickle left barrel. 

But nothing comes close to Burrow’s principal residence, The Nautilus House, in Wardanup Crescent, Yalls, aka “millionaire’s row”.

It was designed by architect Dane Richardson and is currently the temporary digs of Hollywood superstar Nicolas Cage, in the south-west to shoot a movie called The Surfer, and which we referenced earlier today. 

The property was bought for two-milll in 2004 and the new place was built in 2011, winning the overall Design Excellence Award at the 2012 Building Designers Australia WA.

“I pushed through with many questions but the owner travels most of the year and was young without family so it was hard to pin down exactly what was required. The brief then developed to include a small pool, a lot of storage space, small home office, games room large enough for pool table and a large open fire place for ambiance,” Richardson told Architect and Design.  

“The master bathtub was positioned to have a commanding view of the clients favourite surf break. This was managed by loading our 3D model into Google Earth and tweaking the alignment of this particular window to the surf break. Another nice touch was to include a roof top deck; this is a small space sitting high on the concrete roof deck, fully exposed but an incredibly dramatic space for the old glass of wine.”

It ain’t hard to see why Cage was attracted to the joint.

Neighbours still recall, fondly, the demolition of the old place.

“He had a pretty nice place before, but he knocked that one down. He had a demolition party and everyone came around with sledgehammers and knocked the walls down,” neighbour Candice McKiernan said.

Nicolas Cage, meanwhile, has been thrilling locals, hither and yon.

Food of Asia owner Annie Liban said Cage was shopping in her store when he attempted to buy oranges.

Perth Now reports,

“I said to him, ‘I’m so sorry, we only accept cash (for those)’,” Liban said, to which the actor replied, “I’m so sorry, I only have US dollars with me”.

“I thought, ‘That’s him, that’s him’,” an excited Ms Liban said before reassuring him: “It’s OK, it’s OK — you don’t have to pay.”

Heady days!

Nicolas Cage as homicidal daddy in 2018's Mom and Dad.
Nicolas Cage as a homicidal daddy in 2018's madcap adventure Mom and Dad.

The Surfer star Nicolas Cage donates thousands to save lives of dying Western Australian children!

Hollywood superstar makes “a very special phone call."

If you’ve ever lived in Western Australia, which I did for nineteen uneventful years, you’ll know what a big deal the annual Telethon is for locals. 

For twenty-six hours, various celebrities, mostly of the D-grade sort, with an international celeb dragged in if they happened to be in Perth, perform vaudeville acts and read out donations sent in by the public. 

Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder a few A-pluses in its fifty-five-year history.

If you stayed up long enough, usually midnight, a hollow-eyed stripper would come on and do a wild bumping dance, grinding to an apparently creaming frenzy. 

An old pal of mine, a TV star at one point who flew back for Telethon in a sort of look-who-made-it-big play, was told he’d babied up his girlfriend sixteen years previous.

Like I said, a Perth institution. 

Anyway, this year Nicolas Cage, who is a few months shy of turning sixty, is in town, or town-ish, he’s three hours south staying in one of the wings of Taj Burrow’s famed Nautilus Shell house along with his twenty-eight-year-old wife, shooting for the straight-to-YouTube film The Surfer. 

Storyline: “When a man returns to his beach side hometown in Australia, he is humiliated in front of his teenage son by a local gang of surfers who claim strict ownership over the secluded beach of his childhood.”

(Note to Nicolas Cage fans: three killer Dobermans lurk behind the Burrows’ ten-foot high steel gate.)

And, although Nicolas Cage couldn’t make it to Perth for Telethon despite one newsreader’s pledge to make the six-hour round drive to get him on the show, Cage made a “very special phone call.” 

To wit, a five thousand dollar donation. 

“I’d love to be with you right now but I am filming down south,” Nicolas Cage said in a recording, which was aired on the show. “I’d like to ask you to please donate to Telethon and help some children, maybe save some children’s lives.”

Cue rapturous applause etc although for Nicolas Cage fans, they’ll know the donation was served with a hefty serving of irony.

For who can forget his 2018 turn as a “child murdering lunatic” in the film Mom and Dad “which begins with an act of infanticide-via-speeding train, and only gets wilder from there.”

Their homicidal urges, as well as those of other parents, are presented as a manifestation of their misery at having negated their own sense of selves for an unrewarding existence spent caring for narcissistic brats with little common decency and no respect for their elders.


El Porto and barney. Photo: Instagram/Surfline
El Porto and barney. Photo: Instagram/Surfline

El Porto officially designated “worst wave in Southern California!”

"Nearly every wave is a closeout. Everyone who surfs here is an absolute barney."

Southern California’s El Porto received the dubious honor of being dubbed region’s “worst wave.” Salty Beards, purveyor of organic body washes and beard oils, took to Instagram in order to share:

Guys, we are at the shittiest wave in Southern California for the hundredth day in a row. This is fucking El Porto. It is by far the worst wave in Southern California. Nearly every wave is a closeout. Everyone who surfs here is an absolute barney. It looks like it is going to be good but just never breaks… I swear it sucks.

El Porto is just off the coast of Manhattan Beach which has a population of 32,000. It is a “laid-back South Bay community popular with families and outdoor enthusiasts,” according to its Google Review.

El Porto is near the World Surf League’s new veterinary/animal trauma offices in El Segundo. It was recently site of a violent incident where a feisty woman stabbed Pauley Shore’s nephew’s surfboard with a small knife.

El Porto is former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s favorite place to surf.

Current World Surf League Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer hates it, though. She commented, “This is amazing and yes,” underneath Salty Beard’s damnation. Her honesty and negative opinion flew directly in the face of everything she has built in the “global home of professional surfing” during her climb to the top-adjacent.

Do you think the gasps of dying animals is clouding her otherwise spotless mind?

Will the muffled meows of suffering kittens finally bring down the Wall of Positive Noise?

More as the story develops.