Nicolas Cage as homicidal daddy in 2018's Mom and Dad.
Nicolas Cage as a homicidal daddy in 2018's madcap adventure Mom and Dad.

The Surfer star Nicolas Cage donates thousands to save lives of dying Western Australian children!

Hollywood superstar makes “a very special phone call."

If you’ve ever lived in Western Australia, which I did for nineteen uneventful years, you’ll know what a big deal the annual Telethon is for locals. 

For twenty-six hours, various celebrities, mostly of the D-grade sort, with an international celeb dragged in if they happened to be in Perth, perform vaudeville acts and read out donations sent in by the public. 

Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder a few A-pluses in its fifty-five-year history.

If you stayed up long enough, usually midnight, a hollow-eyed stripper would come on and do a wild bumping dance, grinding to an apparently creaming frenzy. 

An old pal of mine, a TV star at one point who flew back for Telethon in a sort of look-who-made-it-big play, was told he’d babied up his girlfriend sixteen years previous.

Like I said, a Perth institution. 

Anyway, this year Nicolas Cage, who is a few months shy of turning sixty, is in town, or town-ish, he’s three hours south staying in one of the wings of Taj Burrow’s famed Nautilus Shell house along with his twenty-eight-year-old wife, shooting for the straight-to-YouTube film The Surfer. 

Storyline: “When a man returns to his beach side hometown in Australia, he is humiliated in front of his teenage son by a local gang of surfers who claim strict ownership over the secluded beach of his childhood.”

(Note to Nicolas Cage fans: three killer Dobermans lurk behind the Burrows’ ten-foot high steel gate.)

And, although Nicolas Cage couldn’t make it to Perth for Telethon despite one newsreader’s pledge to make the six-hour round drive to get him on the show, Cage made a “very special phone call.” 

To wit, a five thousand dollar donation. 

“I’d love to be with you right now but I am filming down south,” Nicolas Cage said in a recording, which was aired on the show. “I’d like to ask you to please donate to Telethon and help some children, maybe save some children’s lives.”

Cue rapturous applause etc although for Nicolas Cage fans, they’ll know the donation was served with a hefty serving of irony.

For who can forget his 2018 turn as a “child murdering lunatic” in the film Mom and Dad “which begins with an act of infanticide-via-speeding train, and only gets wilder from there.”

Their homicidal urges, as well as those of other parents, are presented as a manifestation of their misery at having negated their own sense of selves for an unrewarding existence spent caring for narcissistic brats with little common decency and no respect for their elders.


El Porto and barney. Photo: Instagram/Surfline
El Porto and barney. Photo: Instagram/Surfline

El Porto officially designated “worst wave in Southern California!”

"Nearly every wave is a closeout. Everyone who surfs here is an absolute barney."

Southern California’s El Porto received the dubious honor of being dubbed region’s “worst wave.” Salty Beards, purveyor of organic body washes and beard oils, took to Instagram in order to share:

Guys, we are at the shittiest wave in Southern California for the hundredth day in a row. This is fucking El Porto. It is by far the worst wave in Southern California. Nearly every wave is a closeout. Everyone who surfs here is an absolute barney. It looks like it is going to be good but just never breaks… I swear it sucks.

El Porto is just off the coast of Manhattan Beach which has a population of 32,000. It is a “laid-back South Bay community popular with families and outdoor enthusiasts,” according to its Google Review.

El Porto is near the World Surf League’s new veterinary/animal trauma offices in El Segundo. It was recently site of a violent incident where a feisty woman stabbed Pauley Shore’s nephew’s surfboard with a small knife.

El Porto is former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s favorite place to surf.

Current World Surf League Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer hates it, though. She commented, “This is amazing and yes,” underneath Salty Beard’s damnation. Her honesty and negative opinion flew directly in the face of everything she has built in the “global home of professional surfing” during her climb to the top-adjacent.

Do you think the gasps of dying animals is clouding her otherwise spotless mind?

Will the muffled meows of suffering kittens finally bring down the Wall of Positive Noise?

More as the story develops.

Oahu free for all. Photo: Blue Hawaii
Oahu free for all. Photo: Blue Hawaii

Identity politics bomb rocks Oahu as city council proposes surf contest permit changes based on age, gender and ability!

Culture war Oahu.

An social bomb rocked Oahu, overnight. The culture wars finally arriving at the outermost reaches of the American empire. For it was at the Kapolei Hale, a stone’s throw from Disney’s Aulani Resort and Spa, that the public met to argue . At issue, the very future of surf contests and swim events on the island.

Honolulu’s Department of Parks and Recreation rolled out potential changes to the application process for holding contests on both the north and south shores. The new business would include a ranking system that would award points based upon age, gender and ability.

Classic identity politics

Rather than organizing solely around ripping, identity political formations typically aim to secure the right to surf anywhere for a specific constituency marginalized within its larger context. Members of that constituency assert or reclaim ways of understanding their distinctiveness that challenge dominant characterizations, with the goal of greater self-determination.

Pipeline for all.

Hawaiian surfers are mad.

Mahina Chillingworth of Hui O Hee Nalu declared, “Queens and Pipe are different having same rules across board shouldn’t be allowed.”

David Stant Jr., also of Da Hui, added, “If we have 8 year-olds at 20 foot pipe but trying to meet requirements at pipeline at most dangerous spots in the world.”

Those who represent the South Shore are simply furious about the amount of contests run at places like the aforementioned Queens.

Tim Garry of Queens Surf Club said, “Queens is being abused. 36 days in the summer, families go to beach and there’s a contest every weekend. This is not right it excludes local people and we reject proposal by parks.”

The World Surf League did not send representation. Do you recall, though, six years ago, when the “global home of surfing” really put its foot in it and lost its preferred Pipeline window?

At the time, Honolulu’s mayor Kirk Caldwell told then-CEO Sophie Goldschmidt, “Please know the city fully appreciates the economic spending the WSL brings to the islands. As I’ve stated, this is an issue about fairness, not about money. You have stated that the changes are minor. If this is truly the case, we are perplexed that you would jeopardize your relationship to Hawaii on a minor change. I sincerely hope the WSL will continue to hold events in Hawaii, the birthplace of the sport of surfing.”

World Surf League, man.

Pro surfer turned chart-topping DJ Fisher whip-flays TV host for inability to bring wife to orgasm!

And shuts down Hollywood Boulevard for "first time in LA's history"

The former-pro-surfer-and-comic-turned-DJ Paul Fisher, who trades under the stage name FISHER has shut down part of Hollywood Boulevard for a gig, along with Chris Lake, as part of the pair’s Under Construction concert series.

“We are honored to have been granted the privilege by the Hollywood community board, local and city officials, and the surrounding businesses to host an event of this magnitude in our backyard,” organiser Kobi Danan said.
“We hope that through this unprecedented occasion we can continue to further reinvigorate Hollywood as more than just a tourist destination, but a destination for our communities to come together.”

Banned from the event, curiously, was body armour, flags, glow sticks, LED gloves, hula hoops, hoverboards and Segways, narcissists, stuffed animals, tourniquets, wagons, hard hats and ammo.

In an interview with an Australian morning show to celebrate the tremendous achievement, Fisher quickly turned the interview down an uninhibited trail, lamenting the male host’s inability to stimulate his wife.

“I feel sorry for your woman,” says DJ Fisher, famous for the hits Just Feels Tight and Losing It, after the host complains of a short tongue.

The randy DJ has long been a sexual renaissance man.

One year ago, Fisher spoke frankly of his boldest fantasies.

In the vein of a young Barack Obama who wrote of making “love to men daily, but in the imagination” Fisher, playing a game of Fuck, Marry, Kill, said he would “definitely have to fuck Hemsworth… That thing, imagine slapping that fucking arse, it’s pretty good.”

Fisher then nominated the mixed martial artist and former UFC champion in both the featherweight and lightweight divisions Conor McGregor as someone whom he would enjoy getting down on his knees behind and, cock as red as a cheap piece of fishing tackle, storming the mysteries of McGregor’s ass, his phallus as searchlight.

No fuck is in vain, as they say.

Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes (right) and WSL acolyte.
Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes (right) and WSL acolyte.

Famed Silicon Valley advisor compares World Surf League to Theranos, Frye Festival in damning op-ed!


I am here to tell you the WSL is dead. They will crash and burn. No doubt.

I have spent the majority of my career in and around Silicon Valley as a founder, advisor and consultant. Over the last decade, I have learned what makes a startup successful and where the warning signs for failure are.

I have for years been saying that the WSL has the hallmarks of a rapid-growth startup- venture backed, charismatic leadership, desire to change the world, etc. That being said, the startups that the WSL is following aren’t the FAANG high performers. Instead, the startups that the WSL is emulating are the ones that have Netflix documentaries made about them, the Theranos, the WeWork, the Fyre Fests.

These startups have all followed a simple playbook of promise innovation, create a cult of personality, lie about success, silent dissenters, under deliver, allow execs to self deal, and ultimately burn in a blaze of non-glory and scandal, below is a sampling of how the WSL fits this mold and will ultimately crash and burn.

Initially, the WSL promised innovation and reinvention, much like WeWork, Theranos, and Fyre Fest, but much like those startups, failed to meet the mark. Teranos never delivered on the promise of the Edison the same way the WSL has failed to deliver on the promise of becoming a media company, elevate the sport, innovate competition, or doing really anything. The innovation that was promised has never been delivered upon and in the same way that the Edison was a shittier version of a Becton Dickinson Blood Reagent Analyzer, the WSL is a shittier version of the ASP.

In the same line of thinking, Silicon Valley has a long history of CEOs who become synonymous with their companies, like Elizabeth Holmes of Theranos and Adam Neumann of WeWork. WSL leaders have been treading a similar path. Markedly, Erik Logan had moved from an administrative role to an omnipresent figure at WSL events, eclipsing even the surfers at times, demonstrated at peak self-aggrandizing with a Filipe Toledo shirt wearing debacle . Similarly, Jesse Miley Dyer, through leadership seminars and public events, is actively molding herself as a poster figure for the sport. Additionally and in the same regard, Dave Prodan, via his podcast, doesn’t just commentate on surfing, he often sets the moral and ethical tone of surfing, becoming an arbiter of what’s right and wrong in the sport and making things about him when they’re not.

Much like Silicon Valley companies that allegedly suppressed internal critics, including the documented instances of Theranos counsel harassing whistleblowers, the WSL has shown similar tendencies. The controversial decision to prevent surfers from sporting Bethany Hamilton jerseys signaled an authoritarian streak in this same regard. Moreover, Logan’s public warning against raising concerns over potential judging bias displays an intent to control the narrative at all costs. Additionally, Prodan’s approach, particularly his political name-calling and the quick removal of dissenting “Dave Prodan Killed Surfing” stickers at Trestles hints at an intolerance for alternate viewpoints.

Misrepresentation of success metrics, a tactic Silicon Valley snake oil salesmen, such as Holmes’ fudging of the Edison’s accuracy or Fyre Fest’s misrepresentation of Fyre Fest preparedness, has often been criticized as a quick way to convince investors that all is well and appears prevalent in WSL’s strategy. Logan’s optimistic portrayal of viewership figures, often without substantial evidence, mirrors the inflated claims that led to the downfalls of many tech startups. Prodan’s feigned excitement of the mid-year cut seemed to put lipstick on a pig and signal the same, even when rebuked by Connor Coffin to his face and while actively rebutted by tour surfers.

These Silicon Valley startups also have a history of self-dealing. A prime example is WeWork’s Adam Neumann, who had questionable real estate dealings with his company that ultimately didn’t pass the smell test. These dealings find a counterpart in Logan’s endeavors with Apple TV. Logan’s dual role as a WSL CEO and the executive producer for Apple TV’s “Make or Break” rings alarm bells about potential conflicts of interest, reminiscent of many a Silicon Valley scandal.

When it comes to pushing narratives, Holmes’ unwavering faith in Theranos’ flawed Edison machine is paralleled by WSL’s insistence on wave pools, mid year cut, and the unpopular finals day format, even in the face of clear community opposition across all levels of leadership.

At its core, the WSL, by seemingly adopting a Silicon Valley playbook marred with controversies, is setting itself up for an inevitable downfall. Silicon Valley’s history is littered with companies that were driven by ego, suppressed criticism, misrepresented success, and lost touch with their user base, eventually leading to their implosion. The WSL’s current trajectory appears ominously familiar.

As the surfing community watches, the hope remains that the WSL will recalibrate its compass, but it’s unlikely and I fear that the coffin nails are being hammered for competitive surfing. For a sport so deeply connected with nature’s rhythms, its governing body’s alignment with flawed corporate strategies seems stupid and disingenuous. We are a community that yearns for WSL leadership that resonates with the sport’s core values, but its seeming more and more that the League will crash against the very waves it seeks to champion and, well, die like Theranos and FyreFest or even worse, rust like a WeWork.

We deserve better.