Minds officially blown.

Kelly Slater is the world’s greatest surfer. This we all know and formally agree upon. His eleven world titles will never be matched. His innovation and flair second to none. His indelible mark upon this, the surfing world, shall never be erased which is exactly why, by definition, it is indelible. And yet somehow, in someway, the man who once invented the carving 360 continues to surprise.

But let us examine his most recent turn as designer. The 56-year-old has long lent his name to various products like magic purple juice and easy listening folk rock though he has rarely been deeply involved in the creative process.

Until now.

For now Kelly Slater is letting his mind run free, conjuring and conceiving. Putting pen to paper or at least mouth to Apple Phone voice notes.

The main inspiration?

His sublime relationship to the animal kingdom, of course.

First came the sandal that celebrates the heretofore unknown connection between the majestic sea turtle and the moon. The KLLY press release revealing, “For the design of the sandal, Kelly was particularly moved by the mysterious and special relationship between the moon and sea turtle. Turtles have 13 large scales that represent the 13 lunar cycles in each year and 28 smaller scales that represent the days in each cycle. As a tribute to these coexisting forces, Kelly designed the top of the sandal to mirror the moon’s surface while the bottom sole represents the turtle’s scales.”

Brilliant.

But not a one off for now we have a surfboard based on the outline of a great white shark. Slater says that he had been collecting pictures of the man-eating beasts for years, keeping them in a folder. One day, whilst in Indonesia, he approached shaper Mike Woo and said, “Hey, I have this idea. I want to make this board that is the outline of a great white…”

Woo, in Slater’s retelling, was absolutely blown away, responding, “Are you serious?????”

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He was serious and now the dream is a reality.

The question, now, is what’s next?

An electric car inspired by the orangoutang? A coffee mug lifted straight from the mighty carpenter ant?

Exciting.

Your help needed.

One of the highest honors in all of surfing is to have a statue erected. A monument to one’s contribution to sliding upon the sea. There are surprisingly few statues of surfers, only four that I can think of off the top of my head, in fact. Kelly Slater in Cocoa Beach, Yancy Spencer III in Pensacola, Duke Kahanamoku in Honolulu and Kook in Cardiff-by-the-Sea.

A fifth will soon join the ranks.

“Ricochet the Surfing Dog.”

The beloved Golden Retriever sadly passed away last March after a battle with liver cancer though her life was full. Ricochet used her surfing skills to bring joy to many, including veterans suffering PTSD. She traveled north and south, east and west, mostly going straight in the whitewash but sometimes bashing the lip.

Ricochet not only surfed but was an author.

Artist Susan Bahary, renowned for creating “inspiring dog sculptures” is not about to let the pup’s memory fade. She is asking the public to help raise $145,000 in order to create the bust which will, hopefully, live forever in Del Mar.

Per the National Service Animals Memorial website:

All funds will go to NSAM strictly for the building of our Memorial and a full tax donation will be given. Our sculptor, Susan Bahary, is offering her artistic services at no cost, other than for the mold and casting costs. Therefore, you will be helping to build the Ricochet memorial at the same time your donations will help build the National Service Animals Memorial in the nation’s Capital!

It will look like this, hopefully.

Dig deep.

You may be in his DMs but you're not in his police report. We are not the same."

It is easy to blame a man, or woman, for stumbling in a relationship. Especially when that man, or woman, is notable. Direct messages filled with amorous petitions, flirty comments left underneath otherwise blameless photos, digital notes passed underneath digital tables. Easy to blame, yes. The happily coupled should, of course, avert eyes, stay focused, practice restraint and self-control. Should not fall prey to momentary lust that will certainly lead nowhere but perdition and/or a lawsuit.

Easy to blame, certainly, until Shakira lays a thirst trap.

The Colombian songstress with the voice of an angel is impossible to resist. Impossible from the tips of her toes through those truth-telling hips all the way up to the hair on her head.

Impossible and, much to the chagrin of men everywhere, Shakira is newly single having spectacularly broken up with Spanish soccer stud Gerard Piqué earlier in the year.

Enter Kelly Slater

One of Shakira’s first orders of business, post-split, was to go surfing. One of her second orders was to follow the world’s greatest surfer, Kelly Slater, on Instagram. Now, Slater all this would be fine and well except for the fact that the 11x champion has been in a committed and loving relationship with his Chinese girlfriend for nearly two decades. By all accounts, they appear very happy together, traveling the world with their small Chihuahua etc.

So why is Kelly Slater “liking” photographs of Shakira’s gam?

As previously stated, impossible to resist but in a new video, what must be Slater’s girlfriend claps directly back at the multi-time Grammy award winner and anyone else hoping for a little extracurricular Cocoa Beach cuddling.

The couple, who simply must be Slater and his girlfriend by the looks of it, are sitting in a car. That Slater figure is wearing a white tank top with a blue neckerchief  and sits quietly nodding while his girlfriend declares, “You may be in his DMs but you’re not in his police report. We are not the same.”

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Shots fired.

Kelly Slater has a police report though?

For what?

Shakira’s a free woman, as of moments ago, too.

More as the story develops.

“It wasn’t illegal, but it’s not pono."

Now, the adult learner explosion has been bad for many but also good for many. Costco, rinse kit manufacturers and surf schools, to name but three. Now, as the grumpy local knows, there can be such a thing as too much and certain beaches have too much surf schools. Various municipalities, trying to keep order, have turned to a permit solution, wherein operators must apply for official recognition in order to teach the Sport of Kings.

And let us make our way across the Pacific to Hawaii’s Big Island where a novel approach to regulation went horribly awry.

Seventeen hopeful surf school owners had gathered in the Old Kona Airport Pavilion, on Friday, waiting to see if they would receive one of only four permits being offered for the very popular Kalahu’u Bay. The Department of Land and Resources had decided to drop balls in a hopper, bingo style, in order to select the programs allowed to instruct the vulnerable.

The balls were dropped, spun and selected.

One person, Wesley Moore, getting three out of the four slots.

His companies were not created until 2021.

Green Stegehuis, who was born and raised in Kahalu‘u Bay and has been surf instructing for years was not happy, telling Big Island Now, “It wasn’t illegal, but it’s not pono [right]. This is right before the holidays and this is when we get our income. Our entire family is like what now, come Monday?”

Schools which have been operating for decades now shuttered.

Dan Dennison, spokesperson for the state Department of Land and Natural Resources that held the lottery, said it was all fair and square, per the rules, and nothing can be done. If Wesley Moore wanted to be a bro and kick a few of his permits to others, he’s not even allowed as they would go to the next on the waitlist.

Does Wesley Moore sound like a bro name?