Slater(?) defended. Photo: Instagram
Slater(?) defended. Photo: Instagram

Kelly Slater’s girlfriend appears to clap back at Shakira after singer ensnares surf champ in thirst trap!

You may be in his DMs but you're not in his police report. We are not the same."

It is easy to blame a man, or woman, for stumbling in a relationship. Especially when that man, or woman, is notable. Direct messages filled with amorous petitions, flirty comments left underneath otherwise blameless photos, digital notes passed underneath digital tables. Easy to blame, yes. The happily coupled should, of course, avert eyes, stay focused, practice restraint and self-control. Should not fall prey to momentary lust that will certainly lead nowhere but perdition and/or a lawsuit.

Easy to blame, certainly, until Shakira lays a thirst trap.

The Colombian songstress with the voice of an angel is impossible to resist. Impossible from the tips of her toes through those truth-telling hips all the way up to the hair on her head.

Impossible and, much to the chagrin of men everywhere, Shakira is newly single having spectacularly broken up with Spanish soccer stud Gerard Piqué earlier in the year.

Enter Kelly Slater

One of Shakira’s first orders of business, post-split, was to go surfing. One of her second orders was to follow the world’s greatest surfer, Kelly Slater, on Instagram. Now, Slater all this would be fine and well except for the fact that the 11x champion has been in a committed and loving relationship with his Chinese girlfriend for nearly two decades. By all accounts, they appear very happy together, traveling the world with their small Chihuahua etc.

So why is Kelly Slater “liking” photographs of Shakira’s gam?

As previously stated, impossible to resist but in a new video, what must be Slater’s girlfriend claps directly back at the multi-time Grammy award winner and anyone else hoping for a little extracurricular Cocoa Beach cuddling.

The couple, who simply must be Slater and his girlfriend by the looks of it, are sitting in a car. That Slater figure is wearing a white tank top with a blue neckerchief  and sits quietly nodding while his girlfriend declares, “You may be in his DMs but you’re not in his police report. We are not the same.”

Shots fired.

Kelly Slater has a police report though?

For what?

Shakira’s a free woman, as of moments ago, too.

More as the story develops.

Raimana VB not under threat, thankfully, but others on Big Island jobless today. Photo: Instagram
Raimana VB not under threat, thankfully, but others on Big Island jobless today. Photo: Instagram

Bloody Friday on Big Island as surf school lottery goes horribly wrong!

“It wasn’t illegal, but it’s not pono."

Now, the adult learner explosion has been bad for many but also good for many. Costco, rinse kit manufacturers and surf schools, to name but three. Now, as the grumpy local knows, there can be such a thing as too much and certain beaches have too much surf schools. Various municipalities, trying to keep order, have turned to a permit solution, wherein operators must apply for official recognition in order to teach the Sport of Kings.

And let us make our way across the Pacific to Hawaii’s Big Island where a novel approach to regulation went horribly awry.

Seventeen hopeful surf school owners had gathered in the Old Kona Airport Pavilion, on Friday, waiting to see if they would receive one of only four permits being offered for the very popular Kalahu’u Bay. The Department of Land and Resources had decided to drop balls in a hopper, bingo style, in order to select the programs allowed to instruct the vulnerable.

The balls were dropped, spun and selected.

One person, Wesley Moore, getting three out of the four slots.

His companies were not created until 2021.

Green Stegehuis, who was born and raised in Kahalu‘u Bay and has been surf instructing for years was not happy, telling Big Island Now, “It wasn’t illegal, but it’s not pono [right]. This is right before the holidays and this is when we get our income. Our entire family is like what now, come Monday?”

Schools which have been operating for decades now shuttered.

Dan Dennison, spokesperson for the state Department of Land and Natural Resources that held the lottery, said it was all fair and square, per the rules, and nothing can be done. If Wesley Moore wanted to be a bro and kick a few of his permits to others, he’s not even allowed as they would go to the next on the waitlist.

Does Wesley Moore sound like a bro name?

Griffin Colapinto falls under the spell of charismatic faith healer Dr Joe Spinoza (inset, helping a woman to self-cure her infertility.)
Griffin Colapinto falls under the spell of charismatic faith healer Dr Joe Spinoza (inset, helping a woman to self-cure her infertility.)

Surfing’s “Gandhi” Griffin Colapinto falls under spell of charismatic faith-healer Joe Dispenza!

“I’m leaving this retreat with so much love in my heart and an understanding of how POWERFUL us humans Beings actually are.”

Only three months ago and but two weeks before his failed swing at tearing off Filipe Toledo’s bolted-on crown, Griffin Colapinto posted an extraordinarily personal message on Instagram.

Not for nothing is the twenty five year old referred to as the Gandhi of surfing. You’ll remember he helped cool heads following the furore from Brazilian surf fans after he won the Surf Ranch Pro in May.

And so, Griffin Colapinto’s search for meaning amid the chaos of life is unsurprising.

In the lengthy missive (which you can read here), Griffin Colapinto explored his feelings of emptiness and his search for meaning despite becoming the most successful Californian surfer in over thirty years.

Griffin Colapinto explained his pivot to Sādhanā, an ego-transcending spiritual practice from India and the grave warning issued by Kolohe Andino, a believer in the Christian doctrine, who wrote, “No false idols.”

The phrase is loaded as hell and is associated with the Ten Commandments where it warns against worshipping anything other than the divine.

Now, in a new and equally personal confessional, Colapinto has told of falling under the spell of the best-selling author Doc Joe Dispenza, a man who believes a woman’s infertility can be cured by the power of thought and whose chiropractic degree is from an institution that subsequently lost its accreditation for “poor teaching methods.”

Anyway, pour yourself a long glass:

“You are the Source!” writes Griffin Colapinto. “I’d like to share an experience with you guys please. This past week I had the opportunity to go to a week long @drjoedispenza retreat with a collective of 2,000 human beings

Who were all there, either to Heal themselves of life threatening diseases and traumas, or just better themselves as people and to live a happier life. On this retreat we ended up meditating a total of 35 hours and all the other time we were being informed on the PURPOSE and SCIENCE behind these meditations. That way when we went into the meditation we had a strong BELIEF and DIRECTION of what we were doing.

I’ll tell you right now. It was one of the best weeks of my life! I’m leaving this retreat with so much love in my heart and an understanding of how POWERFUL us humans Beings actually are. This Practice is changing the world for the better and that is why I’m sharing.

So, when I first showed up I had a thought that I wouldn’t share this on social media, just due to the fact that I thought I could use this Practice to have an edge on my competitors in my Surf Events.

But as the week went on I realized that would be a very limited thing to do and An Unlimited Person does not behave that way. An Unlimited person shares their secrets.

I learned that to Attract the things we want in our life, it takes a clear intention, an open mind, and an open heart.

It’s also important to walk, talk, and act as the person who has already achieved their dreams. So for instance, I wanna be a world champion surfer. I must walk, talk, and act like it. Do world champions speak negatively, judge, gossip, complain? Those are all limited actions.

So to have the awareness to not fall to the limited and stay unlimited is very important. In these meditations is were we strengthen that awareness. We draw the events to us by changing our bad habits and become a new person.

Then the rest is up to life, god, source, the universe, to Attract your clear intention when you least expect it. In a very MAGICAL way!

Griffin Colapinto continues,

The thing about this retreat that’s really game changing is the science side of it. We learned all about frequency, atoms, molecules, brain waves, energy etc. and the way they play a massive role in our universe.

Witch is a huge part of why this is changing the world! It doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t matter if you are religious or Athiest. The science Is what bridges the gap and unites every one of us.

Another mind blowing experience was the Coherence Healing. We witnessed some very surreal moments in this meditation. All I’ll say is if I had an illness, the first thing I would do is go for a coherence healing.

I mean 2,000 people all in the same room with the same intention to heal those before them by sending them their love energy. Cancer, Tumors, Als, blind, loss of hearing, liver disease, depression and much more. We witnessed these healings first hand!

We are all part of a web, each and every one of us is connected to it. A change or healing in just one person affects the web and Change creates new possibilities. Your personality creates your personal reality!

Clearly our world is not in its best state right now. But don’t worry because there’s a higher consciousness emerging! I saw it and felt it.


Not everyone is quite so taken by the good Doc, however.

Dr. Harriet Hall, aka The SkepDoc, writes: “He is a New Age woo-monger, a gullible believer in an imaginary ‘Quantum Field’ that supposedly responds to human thoughts and intentions. He was featured in the reprehensible movie What the Bleep Do we Know. He has no evidence to support his claims, only testimonials, fanciful hypotheses, and speculations.”

Personally, my take is whatever gets you through the night. Trannies, jock pussy, faith-healers, it don’t matter.

Kelly Slater has Charlie Goldsmith; Griffin Colapinto has Joe Dispenza.

If it works it works. Am I right?

A week-long retreat costs around $2299 ex-tax. Jump on the waitlist for the Cancun experience here. 

The Inertia offices (pictured) terrified.
The Inertia offices (pictured) terrified.

Terror spreads at The Inertia as Surfer goes after “surf hat” market!

Night of the Living Nerd.

Rinse kits, changing mats, changing robes, technical beach chairs, technical beach wagons, pocket shakas and surf hats were once, not long ago, the sole territory of The Inertia. Yes, the “definitive voice of surfing” understood, early, that surfing was going to experience a massive adult learner invasion and quickly included guides and direction on completely unnecessary accoutrement alongside its Huffington Post-inspired milquetoast servings.

The Inertia assumed it would be safe to till these kook ass fields alone, harvesting branded post opportunities alone until, that is, the corpse of Surfer Magazine was re-animated.

You have certainly followed along as the once-proud “Bible of the Sport” was purchased by a “tech powered” media company nearly a year ago. Surfer immediately telegraphed that its zombie version had no soul, clearly, but also no clue. The first hire was a spicy food lovin’ gal who called Tennessee’s Smoky Mountains home. Some thousand-odd miles from the nearest ocean. Or Surf Ranch. A series of embarrassments followed including, most recently, spitting on the only rule of surf journalism.

The Inertia, though, still safe.

Its pasty blend of awkward and uncomfortable too fine to be replicated.

Until yesterday.

For yesterday, Surfer waded directly into the surf hat game, “product testing” what the writer declared as the “The BEST surf hat… ever??”

Double barreled question marks certainly signaling more to come.

The Solite surf hat was, anyhow, described thusly:

This hat ticks all boxes with comfort, functionality and high quality material. The mesh ear flaps did not obscure my hearing and the chin strap was pretty comfortable for the most part and never came loose. And I found the adjustable straps quite user friendly.

Wearing the visor backward when paddling back out felt like I didn’t even have it on my head when duck diving.

Negatives: for me, none really. I guess if I could say one thing it would be to lengthen the bill about an inch if possible but still good as is.

A fine review, no doubt, but also terror rippling through The Inertia’s Boulder, Colorado headquarters. Surfer in the surf hat games means rinse kits, changing mats, changing robes and even pocket shakas are next. The completely uninformed certainly choosing to listen to the august Surfer over The Inertia, no?

Will The Inertia offer a fire sale on its co-branded content? Might we be able to purchase a BeachGrit car air freshener review for pennies on the dollar?

Reaching out now.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, please buy a BeachGrit car air freshener. It “brings the anti-depressive smell of BeachGrit into your car, office or home.”

Kelly Slater (left) trapped by Shakira. Photo: Instagram

Surf icon Kelly Slater ensnared by deftly laid Shakira thirst trap!

The hips don't lie bone is connected to the leg bone...

Now, here is a question. Would you, right now, trade places with Shakira? On one hand, the Colombian chanteuse has it all. Multiple Grammy awards, millions of dollars, beautiful homes in Barcelona, Miami, Cypress. The love and support of fans worldwide. On the other hand, she is just beginning a tax evasion trial which could see her spend eight years behind Spanish bars. Though not as high a quality as French or Italian bars, still a dire prospect.

The 46-year-old, according to Spanish tax authorities, cheated the country out of some $26.4 million by claiming not to be living in Spain full-time while living in Spain full-time.

Tapas Trouble

120 witnesses are set to be called with the trail wrapping mid December.

While you area thinking on the matter, it should be noted that Shakira is currently single. She split from her boyfriend, the Spanish soccer star Gerard Piqué, a few months back and turned to surfing to mend a painful heart. Though a longtime surfer, Shakira wrote of the ocean’s cathartic properties immediately after the split.

She made an overture to the greatest surfer ever, Kelly Slater.

Though the 11x world champion is in a loving, committed relationship to his longtime Chinese girlfriend, surf pundits immediately began to wonder if he would have the fortitude, the grit to withstand the sultry songbird’s interest.

Kelly Slater Trips over Shakira’s Leg

Apparently, the surf pundits were right to worry for, days ago, Shakira posted a classic thirst trap to Instagram. Stretching before the Latin Grammys.

“And that’s how we stretch for the Latin Grammys,” she cooed while her gam was pulled, sensually, by a handsome dancer wearing Jean Paul Gaultier.

“Liked” by Kelly Slater.

And so, back to our original question. Does the Slater wrinkle weight the scale differently? Multiple Grammy awards, millions of dollars, beautiful homes in Barcelona, Miami, Cypress, the love and support of fans worldwide and Kelly Slater’s attention?

It does for me.

Hola, celda.