“It wasn’t illegal, but it’s not pono."

Now, the adult learner explosion has been bad for many but also good for many. Costco, rinse kit manufacturers and surf schools, to name but three. Now, as the grumpy local knows, there can be such a thing as too much and certain beaches have too much surf schools. Various municipalities, trying to keep order, have turned to a permit solution, wherein operators must apply for official recognition in order to teach the Sport of Kings.

And let us make our way across the Pacific to Hawaii’s Big Island where a novel approach to regulation went horribly awry.

Seventeen hopeful surf school owners had gathered in the Old Kona Airport Pavilion, on Friday, waiting to see if they would receive one of only four permits being offered for the very popular Kalahu’u Bay. The Department of Land and Resources had decided to drop balls in a hopper, bingo style, in order to select the programs allowed to instruct the vulnerable.

The balls were dropped, spun and selected.

One person, Wesley Moore, getting three out of the four slots.

His companies were not created until 2021.

Green Stegehuis, who was born and raised in Kahalu‘u Bay and has been surf instructing for years was not happy, telling Big Island Now, “It wasn’t illegal, but it’s not pono [right]. This is right before the holidays and this is when we get our income. Our entire family is like what now, come Monday?”

Schools which have been operating for decades now shuttered.

Dan Dennison, spokesperson for the state Department of Land and Natural Resources that held the lottery, said it was all fair and square, per the rules, and nothing can be done. If Wesley Moore wanted to be a bro and kick a few of his permits to others, he’s not even allowed as they would go to the next on the waitlist.

Does Wesley Moore sound like a bro name?

Night of the Living Nerd.

Rinse kits, changing mats, changing robes, technical beach chairs, technical beach wagons, pocket shakas and surf hats were once, not long ago, the sole territory of The Inertia. Yes, the “definitive voice of surfing” understood, early, that surfing was going to experience a massive adult learner invasion and quickly included guides and direction on completely unnecessary accoutrement alongside its Huffington Post-inspired milquetoast servings.

The Inertia assumed it would be safe to till these kook ass fields alone, harvesting branded post opportunities alone until, that is, the corpse of Surfer Magazine was re-animated.

You have certainly followed along as the once-proud “Bible of the Sport” was purchased by a “tech powered” media company nearly a year ago. Surfer immediately telegraphed that its zombie version had no soul, clearly, but also no clue. The first hire was a spicy food lovin’ gal who called Tennessee’s Smoky Mountains home. Some thousand-odd miles from the nearest ocean. Or Surf Ranch. A series of embarrassments followed including, most recently, spitting on the only rule of surf journalism.

The Inertia, though, still safe.

Its pasty blend of awkward and uncomfortable too fine to be replicated.

Until yesterday.

For yesterday, Surfer waded directly into the surf hat game, “product testing” what the writer declared as the “The BEST surf hat… ever??”

Double barreled question marks certainly signaling more to come.

The Solite surf hat was, anyhow, described thusly:

This hat ticks all boxes with comfort, functionality and high quality material. The mesh ear flaps did not obscure my hearing and the chin strap was pretty comfortable for the most part and never came loose. And I found the adjustable straps quite user friendly.

Wearing the visor backward when paddling back out felt like I didn’t even have it on my head when duck diving.

Negatives: for me, none really. I guess if I could say one thing it would be to lengthen the bill about an inch if possible but still good as is.

A fine review, no doubt, but also terror rippling through The Inertia’s Boulder, Colorado headquarters. Surfer in the surf hat games means rinse kits, changing mats, changing robes and even pocket shakas are next. The completely uninformed certainly choosing to listen to the august Surfer over The Inertia, no?

Will The Inertia offer a fire sale on its co-branded content? Might we be able to purchase a BeachGrit car air freshener review for pennies on the dollar?

Reaching out now.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, please buy a BeachGrit car air freshener. It “brings the anti-depressive smell of BeachGrit into your car, office or home.”

The hips don't lie bone is connected to the leg bone...

Now, here is a question. Would you, right now, trade places with Shakira? On one hand, the Colombian chanteuse has it all. Multiple Grammy awards, millions of dollars, beautiful homes in Barcelona, Miami, Cypress. The love and support of fans worldwide. On the other hand, she is just beginning a tax evasion trial which could see her spend eight years behind Spanish bars. Though not as high a quality as French or Italian bars, still a dire prospect.

The 46-year-old, according to Spanish tax authorities, cheated the country out of some $26.4 million by claiming not to be living in Spain full-time while living in Spain full-time.

Tapas Trouble

120 witnesses are set to be called with the trail wrapping mid December.

While you area thinking on the matter, it should be noted that Shakira is currently single. She split from her boyfriend, the Spanish soccer star Gerard Piqué, a few months back and turned to surfing to mend a painful heart. Though a longtime surfer, Shakira wrote of the ocean’s cathartic properties immediately after the split.

She made an overture to the greatest surfer ever, Kelly Slater.

Though the 11x world champion is in a loving, committed relationship to his longtime Chinese girlfriend, surf pundits immediately began to wonder if he would have the fortitude, the grit to withstand the sultry songbird’s interest.

Kelly Slater Trips over Shakira’s Leg

Apparently, the surf pundits were right to worry for, days ago, Shakira posted a classic thirst trap to Instagram. Stretching before the Latin Grammys.

“And that’s how we stretch for the Latin Grammys,” she cooed while her gam was pulled, sensually, by a handsome dancer wearing Jean Paul Gaultier.

“Liked” by Kelly Slater.

And so, back to our original question. Does the Slater wrinkle weight the scale differently? Multiple Grammy awards, millions of dollars, beautiful homes in Barcelona, Miami, Cypress, the love and support of fans worldwide and Kelly Slater’s attention?

It does for me.

Hola, celda.