Kelly Slater and faith healer Charlie Goldsmith
Two giants in their respective games, Kelly, king of surf, Charlie Goldsmith, king of electrical vibrations. | Photo: @charliegoldsmith

Kelly Slater “secret weapon” Charlie Goldsmith found not-guilty of assaulting boy

“I sometimes wake up and feel totally alone in the world. I think it happens to people that have had great success in their life," says Kelly Slater.

For the past four years, Kelly Slater has been getting advised by the noted faith healer Charlie Goldsmith, their relationship revealed on a WSL video called Sound Waves. 

“I sometimes wake up and feel totally alone in the world. I think it happens to people that have had great success in their life. I feel super alone, and people don’t quite relate to me,” Slater says.


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A post shared by Charlie Goldsmith (@charliegoldsmith)

Goldsmith, who is forty-three and lives at North Brighton on the NSW North Coast, is very famous in Australia for his ability to cure the sick with his personal electric vibrations, as well as tap into the wellness zeitgeist with various business start-ups.

The healer was eighteen years old when he “first felt a strange sensation between his hands. He says he soon discovered this energy could heal people. Worried about exposing himself to a world of doubters, he wanted to keep his gift secret until science supported his claims.”

(Sign up to Goldsmith’s ninety-nine-dollars-a-year wellness program here where you can “access the Energy Movement and Emotional Healing modules, explore fitness and self-love, gut health, nutritional meals and more.” You can also buy $150 six-month subs for “energy teachings.” If you broke he’ll give you a discount, just ask.)

Anyway, on August 2 Goldsmith was charged with giving hell to a bunch of kids following an incident where the kids used golf clubs to belt rocks at various targets. 

After one of the rocks hit Goldsmith’s cleaner’s car police allege Goldsmith drove to the scene, grabbed one of the kids and then “demanded they all sit while he berated them.”

An insanely cruel and brutal punishment, if it were true. 

Goldsmith denied the allegation.

“I was made aware of a group of local youths using golf clubs to hit rocks, resulting in damage to a passing car. I assisted the individual whose car was damaged,” he said. “I am deeply disappointed that I have been charged with one count of common assault. I deny any violent conduct or physical contact with the teens.”

Two days ago the charge was withdrawn in Byron Bay Local Court, the event attended by his lawyer but not the faith healer himself.

Meanwhile, his joint in New Brighton is still up for sale, three mill or thereabouts. Got a sauna out the back and enough bedrooms to turn into a swinging commune etc.

Slater (pictured) elated. Photo: WSL
Slater (pictured) elated. Photo: WSL

’24 WSL wildcard recipient Kelly Slater curb stomps surf progress!

"Younger surfers are pissed that 'kook' Slater is getting in and wondering who the kid is that didn't get in because Kelly Slater got his slot."

Hours ago, the World Surf League made an entirely unsurprising announcement that 11x World Champion Kelly Slater will, officially, receive the 2024 Championship Tour’s season-long wildcard. The 52-year-old is clearly the greatest competitive surfer to ever live. He is also, clearly, very much past his prime. Slater’s interest wains from event to event. Even when he is engaged, Kelly Slater’s old body cannot challenge the younger crop.

And herein lies the trouble.

Slater may be a light ratings boon for the aforementioned “global home of surfing,” but his instance of hanging on robs others of showcasing their talent thus stunting the overall game.

Does Kelly Slater retard professional surfing?

An important question. The short answer is “yes.” The long answer is also “yes.” There is still a chimera of “Kelly Slater” out there that performs well in certain conditions. Barreling lefts, say. Pipeline, Cloudbreak, Teahupo’o. Except, let’s be honest, he now performs well for a quinquagenarian. His name, no doubt, draws viewers but what are they left with? Their hero bowing out in the elimination round. If the World Surf League had a competent Chief of Sport, it would grant Kelly Slater a lifetime achievement award and move him to the booth. If Kelly Slater was not a wild freak, he would read the tea leaves and leave with dignity.

The pairing of incompetence and stubbornness tea leaves us where we are.

According to a well-placed source, there is much grumbling in the ranks. Notably “younger surfers are pissed that ‘kook’ Slater is getting in and wondering who didn’t get in because Kelly Slater got his slot.”

Jessi Miley-Dyer did not address in her press release. The Chief of Sport simply declared, “We’re excited to welcome and officially confirm the new class of Championship Tour competitors.”

Miguel Pupo joins Slater.

New class.

More as the story develops.

Stand-up paddleboarder (pictured) molesting a child. Photo: Instagram
Stand-up paddleboarder (pictured) molesting a child. Photo: Instagram

New York Times confirms stand-up paddleboarders terrify children

"Every October, hundreds of witches appear on bodies of water across the United States, floating on lakes and bays, ponds and harbors."

The true nature of stand-up paddleboarders is finally crystal clear. When Laird Hamilton introduced the concept to the masses, some decade-plus ago, some considered a regal. There he stood like Poseidon on the sea. Dipping his stick into the waters. Others thought they might like to try. Imagining themselves to be like him.


Then stand-up paddleboarders began appearing in lineups. Their pilots, gangly and awkward, caught waves they had no business catching. They would stand wide, furiously stroking the sea only to stand wider, gracelessly steering their mid-sized ocean vessels. Surfers in their way feared for their very lives. The whole thing entirely messy.

Then a man from Oklahoma with a magical wetsuit of armor appeared. Erik Logan stormed onto our scene, paddle in hand, as the president of the newly formed WSL Studios. He was open and flamboyant about being a stand-up paddleboarder, littering his social media feeds with pictures and videos of his barbarian days.

A SUP life.

Logan was promoted to CEO of the aforementioned WSL though continued to be loud and proud about his affinity for the Great Ugly. His fall from grace not even dinging his dong as the first sighting of him, post-firing, was stroking through the Manhattan Beach pier.

Are SUPs Satanic?

While considered dangerous and unfortunate for much of the past five years, there are new questions as if to stand-up paddleboarding is actually evil. The New York Times, bastion of modern liberalism, recently celebrated godless SUPers in an eerie think piece titled Something Wicked Paddles This Way.

It begins:

At first, the silhouette looked familiar — a person in a pointed hat with a long robe holding a broom-shaped object. But the setting felt out of place.

What would a witch be doing on water, of all places, let alone with an entire coven?

Every October, hundreds of witches appear on bodies of water across the United States, floating on lakes and bays, ponds and harbors. Instead of brooms, they glide on stand-up paddle boards. And while these events are known as witch paddles and number in the dozens, the participants are not on the water to menace. Some of the witches are paddling for charities, and some are just having fun.

Having fun terrifying children which, in most countries, is considered abuse.

Or worse.

Might the time be ripe for us to fund a Sound of Freedom except anti-SUP instead of anti-baby trafficking?

I think yes.

Prince Harry and Raimana Van Bastolaer at F1 race in Austin, Texas.
Prince Harry nestles into Raimana's size 42 tits. | Photo: @polynesiela1ere

Exiled royal Prince Harry falls under spell of Tahitian surfer described by Cindy Crawford as “a human hard on!”

Controversial royal Prince Harry squeezes himself into the size 42 tits of celebrity surf coach!

The former frontline royal Prince Harry, who bravely killed twenty five Taliban bastards from his helicopter turret during the Afghanistan War, has fallen, like most celebrities, under the considerable spell of Tahitian Raimana Van Bastolaer.

In one of the loveliest rags to riches stories you could imagine Tahitian Raimana Van Bastolaer, who was raised by his grandparents and who was a bodyboarder until 1996, now earns his keep as the ultimate VAL surf coach at the WSL-owned Surf Ranch.

Raimana will surf behind the beginner, steadying them with his hands, issuing instructions, support, and as the wave moves onto the shallow part of the bank at Surf Ranch will compress their hips into the correct lowered stance before pin-dropping off the wave allowing the learner to enjoy a vision that used to be reserved for a wildly select few.

The smiling face of the Surf Ranch was described as human Viagra by eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford you’ll remember.

Viagra is a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction or to ramp up an already tumescent womb-duster. Blue spots in front of your eyes and a feeling you’re about to die of cardiac arrest are the cons. The pro is the transformation of your rubber dick into a heady gristle welcome in any sex nest.

On Instagram, Crawford wrote, this is why I call @raimanaworld the Big Blue Pill — he can get anyone up—even me!

A roll call of celebs, including NY designer Donna Karan, supermodels Carolyn Murphy and Christine Brinkley, joined in in the comments, thrilling to the ride and to human hard-on Raimana Van Bastolaer.

Now, it can be revealed that Prince Harry is the latest celebrity to ache for his crotch fire, photographed with Raiamana at a F1 race at Austin, Texas.

“Who doesn’t know Raimana Van Bastolaer?” posted news site @polynesiela1ere

Also at the race was Kelly Slater who was photographed with 1996 F1 champ Damon Hill.

Kelly Slater (pictured) celebrating hypocrisy. Photo: World Surf League
Kelly Slater (pictured) celebrating hypocrisy. Photo: World Surf League

Surf star Kelly Slater demands new employees get Covid vaccine!

Welcome to the OuterKnown of hypocrisy.

The world’s greatest surfer, Kelly Slater, is also its most… diversified. The 11x World Champion, a staunch environmentalist, is proud creator of Surf Ranch, which sucks diesel power for an island wave. He created a surfboard company that crafts boards in Thailand and ships them around the world. Choo-choo. He dreamed a sandal inspired by the moon and turtle shells, made from algae but delivered with much paper.

He also gave us OuterKnown.

The clothing brand, introduced to the consumer as a new way to spend money on stuff, promised to “protect the environment.”

Much landfill.

Kelly Slater, though, is also a staunch vaccine sceptic, especially as it relates to Covid 19.

Goose Gander

“A number of people I know died,” the just-turned fifty one year old said about the jab. “I know a doctor who stopped administering it in Australia because two or three of his patients died on the Sunshine Coast. It personally affected my mom. She lost feeling in her jaw and tongue and in her hands and feet. She has what seems to be some type of transverse myelitis (a neurological condition caused by an inflamed spine). My friend’s mother from Barbados is in hospital right now in Florida and she’s dying slowly from the affects of the Pfizer vaccine. She’s on a quick dark, downward spiral and they don’t know how to fix it.”


All very fine and well to be anti-prick, though not if you are applying for a position at the aforementioned OuterKnown.

A new job offering, just available, promises all the greenwashing except with a cost.

Applicants must be Covid vaxxed.

Per the posting for a full-time women’s outerwear designer:

COVID-19 Vaccinations: Outerknown requires all employees to demonstrate proof of receiving all COVID-19 vaccinations that they are eligible for, as a condition of their employment.

Good for goose but not good for gander?