"Younger surfers are pissed that 'kook' Slater is getting in and wondering who the kid is that didn't get in because Kelly Slater got his slot."

Hours ago, the World Surf League made an entirely unsurprising announcement that 11x World Champion Kelly Slater will, officially, receive the 2024 Championship Tour’s season-long wildcard. The 52-year-old is clearly the greatest competitive surfer to ever live. He is also, clearly, very much past his prime. Slater’s interest wains from event to event. Even when he is engaged, Kelly Slater’s old body cannot challenge the younger crop.

And herein lies the trouble.

Slater may be a light ratings boon for the aforementioned “global home of surfing,” but his instance of hanging on robs others of showcasing their talent thus stunting the overall game.

Does Kelly Slater retard professional surfing?

An important question. The short answer is “yes.” The long answer is also “yes.” There is still a chimera of “Kelly Slater” out there that performs well in certain conditions. Barreling lefts, say. Pipeline, Cloudbreak, Teahupo’o. Except, let’s be honest, he now performs well for a quinquagenarian. His name, no doubt, draws viewers but what are they left with? Their hero bowing out in the elimination round. If the World Surf League had a competent Chief of Sport, it would grant Kelly Slater a lifetime achievement award and move him to the booth. If Kelly Slater was not a wild freak, he would read the tea leaves and leave with dignity.

The pairing of incompetence and stubbornness tea leaves us where we are.

According to a well-placed source, there is much grumbling in the ranks. Notably “younger surfers are pissed that ‘kook’ Slater is getting in and wondering who didn’t get in because Kelly Slater got his slot.”

Jessi Miley-Dyer did not address in her press release. The Chief of Sport simply declared, “We’re excited to welcome and officially confirm the new class of Championship Tour competitors.”

Miguel Pupo joins Slater.

New class.

More as the story develops.

"Every October, hundreds of witches appear on bodies of water across the United States, floating on lakes and bays, ponds and harbors."

The true nature of stand-up paddleboarders is finally crystal clear. When Laird Hamilton introduced the concept to the masses, some decade-plus ago, some considered a regal. There he stood like Poseidon on the sea. Dipping his stick into the waters. Others thought they might like to try. Imagining themselves to be like him.

Majestic.

Then stand-up paddleboarders began appearing in lineups. Their pilots, gangly and awkward, caught waves they had no business catching. They would stand wide, furiously stroking the sea only to stand wider, gracelessly steering their mid-sized ocean vessels. Surfers in their way feared for their very lives. The whole thing entirely messy.

Then a man from Oklahoma with a magical wetsuit of armor appeared. Erik Logan stormed onto our scene, paddle in hand, as the president of the newly formed WSL Studios. He was open and flamboyant about being a stand-up paddleboarder, littering his social media feeds with pictures and videos of his barbarian days.

A SUP life.

Logan was promoted to CEO of the aforementioned WSL though continued to be loud and proud about his affinity for the Great Ugly. His fall from grace not even dinging his dong as the first sighting of him, post-firing, was stroking through the Manhattan Beach pier.

Are SUPs Satanic?

While considered dangerous and unfortunate for much of the past five years, there are new questions as if to stand-up paddleboarding is actually evil. The New York Times, bastion of modern liberalism, recently celebrated godless SUPers in an eerie think piece titled Something Wicked Paddles This Way.

It begins:

At first, the silhouette looked familiar — a person in a pointed hat with a long robe holding a broom-shaped object. But the setting felt out of place.

What would a witch be doing on water, of all places, let alone with an entire coven?

Every October, hundreds of witches appear on bodies of water across the United States, floating on lakes and bays, ponds and harbors. Instead of brooms, they glide on stand-up paddle boards. And while these events are known as witch paddles and number in the dozens, the participants are not on the water to menace. Some of the witches are paddling for charities, and some are just having fun.

Having fun terrifying children which, in most countries, is considered abuse.

Or worse.

Might the time be ripe for us to fund a Sound of Freedom except anti-SUP instead of anti-baby trafficking?

I think yes.

Welcome to the OuterKnown of hypocrisy.

The world’s greatest surfer, Kelly Slater, is also its most… diversified. The 11x World Champion, a staunch environmentalist, is proud creator of Surf Ranch, which sucks diesel power for an island wave. He created a surfboard company that crafts boards in Thailand and ships them around the world. Choo-choo. He dreamed a sandal inspired by the moon and turtle shells, made from algae but delivered with much paper.

He also gave us OuterKnown.

The clothing brand, introduced to the consumer as a new way to spend money on stuff, promised to “protect the environment.”

Much landfill.

Kelly Slater, though, is also a staunch vaccine sceptic, especially as it relates to Covid 19.

Goose Gander

“A number of people I know died,” the just-turned fifty one year old said about the jab. “I know a doctor who stopped administering it in Australia because two or three of his patients died on the Sunshine Coast. It personally affected my mom. She lost feeling in her jaw and tongue and in her hands and feet. She has what seems to be some type of transverse myelitis (a neurological condition caused by an inflamed spine). My friend’s mother from Barbados is in hospital right now in Florida and she’s dying slowly from the affects of the Pfizer vaccine. She’s on a quick dark, downward spiral and they don’t know how to fix it.”

Well.

All very fine and well to be anti-prick, though not if you are applying for a position at the aforementioned OuterKnown.

A new job offering, just available, promises all the greenwashing except with a cost.

Applicants must be Covid vaxxed.

Per the posting for a full-time women’s outerwear designer:

COVID-19 Vaccinations: Outerknown requires all employees to demonstrate proof of receiving all COVID-19 vaccinations that they are eligible for, as a condition of their employment.

Good for goose but not good for gander?

Help!

"The momentum of professional surfing is real!"

The World Surf League (WSL) is about to launch its 2024 Championship Tour and fans are excited. Or, maybe not excited but resigned. South Africa’s J-Bay has been disappeared, much to chagrin. Cloudbreak has been added, with huzzahs. Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch is gone. Whew. Lower Trestles will crown Filipe Toledo champion again. Argh.

But might there be a little trouble in paradise? While the powers continue to insist that “the momentum of professional surfing is real,” there are growing signs that it might not be. For one, former CEO Erik Logan’s chair is still being occupied by the WSL’s head of legal and its head of Human Resources. For two, the “global home of professional surfing” abandoned its beloved Santa Monica headquarters in favor of El Segundo.

Where it shares space with veterinarians.

And wheezing cats.

On the verge of death.

Devil in WSL details

But has the WSL found a way to “monetize?”

The serious surf fan, all one hundred, still consumes WSL surf contests via the WSL app. It is fine enough, as far as apps go. Antiquated, maybe. Antiquated, probably. Also unnecessary? The WSL’s surf contests, of course, available free on Caffeine.

And YouTube.

But serious surf fan gonna serious surf fan. The WSL decided to tug heartstrings, begging serious surf fans to allow advertisements to track them in order to “support the sport.”

A legitimate ask when the serious surf fan attempts to update.

Touching privates.

But how many serious sporting leagues want to finger through their most ardent supporters’ delicates? Oh, I am certain all of them. But how many beg?

The World Surf League likely stands alone.

Though what do you think El Segundo will do with the information received? Gift it to Joe Turpel to juice his love life? To Selema Masekela? A non-functional mirror image of deceit and fraud?

Do you trust the WSL with your deepest, darkest web browsing?

Asking for a friend.