Stand-up paddleboarder (pictured) molesting a child. Photo: Instagram
Stand-up paddleboarder (pictured) molesting a child. Photo: Instagram

New York Times confirms stand-up paddleboarders terrify children

"Every October, hundreds of witches appear on bodies of water across the United States, floating on lakes and bays, ponds and harbors."

The true nature of stand-up paddleboarders is finally crystal clear. When Laird Hamilton introduced the concept to the masses, some decade-plus ago, some considered a regal. There he stood like Poseidon on the sea. Dipping his stick into the waters. Others thought they might like to try. Imagining themselves to be like him.


Then stand-up paddleboarders began appearing in lineups. Their pilots, gangly and awkward, caught waves they had no business catching. They would stand wide, furiously stroking the sea only to stand wider, gracelessly steering their mid-sized ocean vessels. Surfers in their way feared for their very lives. The whole thing entirely messy.

Then a man from Oklahoma with a magical wetsuit of armor appeared. Erik Logan stormed onto our scene, paddle in hand, as the president of the newly formed WSL Studios. He was open and flamboyant about being a stand-up paddleboarder, littering his social media feeds with pictures and videos of his barbarian days.

A SUP life.

Logan was promoted to CEO of the aforementioned WSL though continued to be loud and proud about his affinity for the Great Ugly. His fall from grace not even dinging his dong as the first sighting of him, post-firing, was stroking through the Manhattan Beach pier.

Are SUPs Satanic?

While considered dangerous and unfortunate for much of the past five years, there are new questions as if to stand-up paddleboarding is actually evil. The New York Times, bastion of modern liberalism, recently celebrated godless SUPers in an eerie think piece titled Something Wicked Paddles This Way.

It begins:

At first, the silhouette looked familiar — a person in a pointed hat with a long robe holding a broom-shaped object. But the setting felt out of place.

What would a witch be doing on water, of all places, let alone with an entire coven?

Every October, hundreds of witches appear on bodies of water across the United States, floating on lakes and bays, ponds and harbors. Instead of brooms, they glide on stand-up paddle boards. And while these events are known as witch paddles and number in the dozens, the participants are not on the water to menace. Some of the witches are paddling for charities, and some are just having fun.

Having fun terrifying children which, in most countries, is considered abuse.

Or worse.

Might the time be ripe for us to fund a Sound of Freedom except anti-SUP instead of anti-baby trafficking?

I think yes.

Prince Harry and Raimana Van Bastolaer at F1 race in Austin, Texas.
Prince Harry nestles into Raimana's size 42 tits. | Photo: @polynesiela1ere

Exiled royal Prince Harry falls under spell of Tahitian surfer described by Cindy Crawford as “a human hard on!”

Controversial royal Prince Harry squeezes himself into the size 42 tits of celebrity surf coach!

The former frontline royal Prince Harry, who bravely killed twenty five Taliban bastards from his helicopter turret during the Afghanistan War, has fallen, like most celebrities, under the considerable spell of Tahitian Raimana Van Bastolaer.

In one of the loveliest rags to riches stories you could imagine Tahitian Raimana Van Bastolaer, who was raised by his grandparents and who was a bodyboarder until 1996, now earns his keep as the ultimate VAL surf coach at the WSL-owned Surf Ranch.

Raimana will surf behind the beginner, steadying them with his hands, issuing instructions, support, and as the wave moves onto the shallow part of the bank at Surf Ranch will compress their hips into the correct lowered stance before pin-dropping off the wave allowing the learner to enjoy a vision that used to be reserved for a wildly select few.

The smiling face of the Surf Ranch was described as human Viagra by eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford you’ll remember.

Viagra is a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction or to ramp up an already tumescent womb-duster. Blue spots in front of your eyes and a feeling you’re about to die of cardiac arrest are the cons. The pro is the transformation of your rubber dick into a heady gristle welcome in any sex nest.

On Instagram, Crawford wrote, this is why I call @raimanaworld the Big Blue Pill — he can get anyone up—even me!

A roll call of celebs, including NY designer Donna Karan, supermodels Carolyn Murphy and Christine Brinkley, joined in in the comments, thrilling to the ride and to human hard-on Raimana Van Bastolaer.

Now, it can be revealed that Prince Harry is the latest celebrity to ache for his crotch fire, photographed with Raiamana at a F1 race at Austin, Texas.

“Who doesn’t know Raimana Van Bastolaer?” posted news site @polynesiela1ere

Also at the race was Kelly Slater who was photographed with 1996 F1 champ Damon Hill.

Kelly Slater (pictured) celebrating hypocrisy. Photo: World Surf League
Kelly Slater (pictured) celebrating hypocrisy. Photo: World Surf League

Surf star Kelly Slater demands new employees get Covid vaccine!

Welcome to the OuterKnown of hypocrisy.

The world’s greatest surfer, Kelly Slater, is also its most… diversified. The 11x World Champion, a staunch environmentalist, is proud creator of Surf Ranch, which sucks diesel power for an island wave. He created a surfboard company that crafts boards in Thailand and ships them around the world. Choo-choo. He dreamed a sandal inspired by the moon and turtle shells, made from algae but delivered with much paper.

He also gave us OuterKnown.

The clothing brand, introduced to the consumer as a new way to spend money on stuff, promised to “protect the environment.”

Much landfill.

Kelly Slater, though, is also a staunch vaccine sceptic, especially as it relates to Covid 19.

Goose Gander

“A number of people I know died,” the just-turned fifty one year old said about the jab. “I know a doctor who stopped administering it in Australia because two or three of his patients died on the Sunshine Coast. It personally affected my mom. She lost feeling in her jaw and tongue and in her hands and feet. She has what seems to be some type of transverse myelitis (a neurological condition caused by an inflamed spine). My friend’s mother from Barbados is in hospital right now in Florida and she’s dying slowly from the affects of the Pfizer vaccine. She’s on a quick dark, downward spiral and they don’t know how to fix it.”


All very fine and well to be anti-prick, though not if you are applying for a position at the aforementioned OuterKnown.

A new job offering, just available, promises all the greenwashing except with a cost.

Applicants must be Covid vaxxed.

Per the posting for a full-time women’s outerwear designer:

COVID-19 Vaccinations: Outerknown requires all employees to demonstrate proof of receiving all COVID-19 vaccinations that they are eligible for, as a condition of their employment.

Good for goose but not good for gander?


WSL (pictured) begging to peek. Photo: creepy movie
WSL (pictured) begging to peek. Photo: creepy movie

WSL begs fans to “support the sport” by letting it touch privates!

"The momentum of professional surfing is real!"

The World Surf League (WSL) is about to launch its 2024 Championship Tour and fans are excited. Or, maybe not excited but resigned. South Africa’s J-Bay has been disappeared, much to chagrin. Cloudbreak has been added, with huzzahs. Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch is gone. Whew. Lower Trestles will crown Filipe Toledo champion again. Argh.

But might there be a little trouble in paradise? While the powers continue to insist that “the momentum of professional surfing is real,” there are growing signs that it might not be. For one, former CEO Erik Logan’s chair is still being occupied by the WSL’s head of legal and its head of Human Resources. For two, the “global home of professional surfing” abandoned its beloved Santa Monica headquarters in favor of El Segundo.

Where it shares space with veterinarians.

And wheezing cats.

On the verge of death.

Devil in WSL details

But has the WSL found a way to “monetize?”

The serious surf fan, all one hundred, still consumes WSL surf contests via the WSL app. It is fine enough, as far as apps go. Antiquated, maybe. Antiquated, probably. Also unnecessary? The WSL’s surf contests, of course, available free on Caffeine.

And YouTube.

But serious surf fan gonna serious surf fan. The WSL decided to tug heartstrings, begging serious surf fans to allow advertisements to track them in order to “support the sport.”

A legitimate ask when the serious surf fan attempts to update.

Touching privates.

But how many serious sporting leagues want to finger through their most ardent supporters’ delicates? Oh, I am certain all of them. But how many beg?

The World Surf League likely stands alone.

Though what do you think El Segundo will do with the information received? Gift it to Joe Turpel to juice his love life? To Selema Masekela? A non-functional mirror image of deceit and fraud?

Do you trust the WSL with your deepest, darkest web browsing?

Asking for a friend.

The future is burger. Photo: Strange Rumblings in Shangri-la
The future is burger. Photo: Strange Rumblings in Shangri-la

“Doomsday Glacier” threatens iconic surf breaks worldwide!

Fare thee well, Pipeline.

We all know that the end of the world is here or at least here adjacent. Israel is busily setting up armageddon on the eponymous plains of Megiddo. Nobody really cares because Travis Kelce is officially dating Taylor Swift. Jada Pinkett-Smith and Will Smith and their “brutiful” relationship make up the other 50% of the news cycle not spoken for by Travis Kelce officially dating Taylor Swift. And the “Doomsday Glacier” is much closer to annihilating iconic surf breaks worldwide than previously thought.

Also probably people.

Officially part of Thwaites Glacier, a vast shelf of Antarctica east of Mount Murphy, the Doomsday bit may be well further along to completing its mission than previously thought. Researchers in Antarctica have been studying how much of the glacier might be saved. According to their models, not very much. Even if we all stop driving gas guzzling cars immediately. Even if World Surf League shutters its energy-starved Surf Ranch tomorrow.

According to the journal Nature Climate Change:

We find that rapid ocean warming, at approximately triple the historical rate, is likely committed over the twenty-first century. With widespread increases in ice-shelf melting, including in regions crucial for ice-sheet stability. When internal climate variability is considered, there is no significant difference between mid-range emissions scenarios and the most ambitious targets of the Paris Agreement. These results suggest that mitigation of greenhouse gases now has limited power to prevent ocean warming that could lead to the collapse of the West Antarctic Ice Sheet.

Kaitlin Naughten, an ocean modeller at the British Antarctic Survey said, “Unfortunately, it’s not great news. Our simulations suggest we are now committed to a rapid increase in the rate of ocean warming and ice shelf melting for the rest of the century.”

Goodbye Pipeline

With the glacier already basically melted, it is simply a matter of time before Pipeline, G-Land, J-Bay etc. stop working. As every surfer knows, waves are fussy things that require precise conditions in order to work. Too little water and weird. Too much water and soft.

El Porto, a bellwether, is already broken. By “broken” I mean “doesn’t break.”

We must, therefore, imagine a future where the world’s surf mirrors Southern California. Slow burgers punctuated with the odd set that breaks too far out.

The question, I suppose, is will the World Surf League adjust? I mean, aside from having Ethan Ewing plant a bush in Antarctica. Will the judging criteria change? To reward slow pumping down the line followed by a weak whitewash bash? On a mid length? Hips swiveling lightly while the arms windmill?

Is there a World Title in my future?

More as the story develops.