Prince Harry and Raimana Van Bastolaer at F1 race in Austin, Texas.
Prince Harry nestles into Raimana's size 42 tits. | Photo: @polynesiela1ere

Exiled royal Prince Harry falls under spell of Tahitian surfer described by Cindy Crawford as “a human hard on!”

Controversial royal Prince Harry squeezes himself into the size 42 tits of celebrity surf coach!

The former frontline royal Prince Harry, who bravely killed twenty five Taliban bastards from his helicopter turret during the Afghanistan War, has fallen, like most celebrities, under the considerable spell of Tahitian Raimana Van Bastolaer.

In one of the loveliest rags to riches stories you could imagine Tahitian Raimana Van Bastolaer, who was raised by his grandparents and who was a bodyboarder until 1996, now earns his keep as the ultimate VAL surf coach at the WSL-owned Surf Ranch.

Raimana will surf behind the beginner, steadying them with his hands, issuing instructions, support, and as the wave moves onto the shallow part of the bank at Surf Ranch will compress their hips into the correct lowered stance before pin-dropping off the wave allowing the learner to enjoy a vision that used to be reserved for a wildly select few.

The smiling face of the Surf Ranch was described as human Viagra by eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford you’ll remember.

Viagra is a medication used to treat erectile dysfunction or to ramp up an already tumescent womb-duster. Blue spots in front of your eyes and a feeling you’re about to die of cardiac arrest are the cons. The pro is the transformation of your rubber dick into a heady gristle welcome in any sex nest.

On Instagram, Crawford wrote, this is why I call @raimanaworld the Big Blue Pill — he can get anyone up—even me!

A roll call of celebs, including NY designer Donna Karan, supermodels Carolyn Murphy and Christine Brinkley, joined in in the comments, thrilling to the ride and to human hard-on Raimana Van Bastolaer.

Now, it can be revealed that Prince Harry is the latest celebrity to ache for his crotch fire, photographed with Raiamana at a F1 race at Austin, Texas.

“Who doesn’t know Raimana Van Bastolaer?” posted news site @polynesiela1ere

Also at the race was Kelly Slater who was photographed with 1996 F1 champ Damon Hill.

Kelly Slater (pictured) celebrating hypocrisy. Photo: World Surf League
Kelly Slater (pictured) celebrating hypocrisy. Photo: World Surf League

Surf star Kelly Slater demands new employees get Covid vaccine!

Welcome to the OuterKnown of hypocrisy.

The world’s greatest surfer, Kelly Slater, is also its most… diversified. The 11x World Champion, a staunch environmentalist, is proud creator of Surf Ranch, which sucks diesel power for an island wave. He created a surfboard company that crafts boards in Thailand and ships them around the world. Choo-choo. He dreamed a sandal inspired by the moon and turtle shells, made from algae but delivered with much paper.

He also gave us OuterKnown.

The clothing brand, introduced to the consumer as a new way to spend money on stuff, promised to “protect the environment.”

Much landfill.

Kelly Slater, though, is also a staunch vaccine sceptic, especially as it relates to Covid 19.

Goose Gander

“A number of people I know died,” the just-turned fifty one year old said about the jab. “I know a doctor who stopped administering it in Australia because two or three of his patients died on the Sunshine Coast. It personally affected my mom. She lost feeling in her jaw and tongue and in her hands and feet. She has what seems to be some type of transverse myelitis (a neurological condition caused by an inflamed spine). My friend’s mother from Barbados is in hospital right now in Florida and she’s dying slowly from the affects of the Pfizer vaccine. She’s on a quick dark, downward spiral and they don’t know how to fix it.”


All very fine and well to be anti-prick, though not if you are applying for a position at the aforementioned OuterKnown.

A new job offering, just available, promises all the greenwashing except with a cost.

Applicants must be Covid vaxxed.

Per the posting for a full-time women’s outerwear designer:

COVID-19 Vaccinations: Outerknown requires all employees to demonstrate proof of receiving all COVID-19 vaccinations that they are eligible for, as a condition of their employment.

Good for goose but not good for gander?


WSL (pictured) begging to peek. Photo: creepy movie
WSL (pictured) begging to peek. Photo: creepy movie

WSL begs fans to “support the sport” by letting it touch privates!

"The momentum of professional surfing is real!"

The World Surf League (WSL) is about to launch its 2024 Championship Tour and fans are excited. Or, maybe not excited but resigned. South Africa’s J-Bay has been disappeared, much to chagrin. Cloudbreak has been added, with huzzahs. Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch is gone. Whew. Lower Trestles will crown Filipe Toledo champion again. Argh.

But might there be a little trouble in paradise? While the powers continue to insist that “the momentum of professional surfing is real,” there are growing signs that it might not be. For one, former CEO Erik Logan’s chair is still being occupied by the WSL’s head of legal and its head of Human Resources. For two, the “global home of professional surfing” abandoned its beloved Santa Monica headquarters in favor of El Segundo.

Where it shares space with veterinarians.

And wheezing cats.

On the verge of death.

Devil in WSL details

But has the WSL found a way to “monetize?”

The serious surf fan, all one hundred, still consumes WSL surf contests via the WSL app. It is fine enough, as far as apps go. Antiquated, maybe. Antiquated, probably. Also unnecessary? The WSL’s surf contests, of course, available free on Caffeine.

And YouTube.

But serious surf fan gonna serious surf fan. The WSL decided to tug heartstrings, begging serious surf fans to allow advertisements to track them in order to “support the sport.”

A legitimate ask when the serious surf fan attempts to update.

Touching privates.

But how many serious sporting leagues want to finger through their most ardent supporters’ delicates? Oh, I am certain all of them. But how many beg?

The World Surf League likely stands alone.

Though what do you think El Segundo will do with the information received? Gift it to Joe Turpel to juice his love life? To Selema Masekela? A non-functional mirror image of deceit and fraud?

Do you trust the WSL with your deepest, darkest web browsing?

Asking for a friend.

The future is burger. Photo: Strange Rumblings in Shangri-la
The future is burger. Photo: Strange Rumblings in Shangri-la

“Doomsday Glacier” threatens iconic surf breaks worldwide!

Fare thee well, Pipeline.

We all know that the end of the world is here or at least here adjacent. Israel is busily setting up armageddon on the eponymous plains of Megiddo. Nobody really cares because Travis Kelce is officially dating Taylor Swift. Jada Pinkett-Smith and Will Smith and their “brutiful” relationship make up the other 50% of the news cycle not spoken for by Travis Kelce officially dating Taylor Swift. And the “Doomsday Glacier” is much closer to annihilating iconic surf breaks worldwide than previously thought.

Also probably people.

Officially part of Thwaites Glacier, a vast shelf of Antarctica east of Mount Murphy, the Doomsday bit may be well further along to completing its mission than previously thought. Researchers in Antarctica have been studying how much of the glacier might be saved. According to their models, not very much. Even if we all stop driving gas guzzling cars immediately. Even if World Surf League shutters its energy-starved Surf Ranch tomorrow.

According to the journal Nature Climate Change:

We find that rapid ocean warming, at approximately triple the historical rate, is likely committed over the twenty-first century. With widespread increases in ice-shelf melting, including in regions crucial for ice-sheet stability. When internal climate variability is considered, there is no significant difference between mid-range emissions scenarios and the most ambitious targets of the Paris Agreement. These results suggest that mitigation of greenhouse gases now has limited power to prevent ocean warming that could lead to the collapse of the West Antarctic Ice Sheet.

Kaitlin Naughten, an ocean modeller at the British Antarctic Survey said, “Unfortunately, it’s not great news. Our simulations suggest we are now committed to a rapid increase in the rate of ocean warming and ice shelf melting for the rest of the century.”

Goodbye Pipeline

With the glacier already basically melted, it is simply a matter of time before Pipeline, G-Land, J-Bay etc. stop working. As every surfer knows, waves are fussy things that require precise conditions in order to work. Too little water and weird. Too much water and soft.

El Porto, a bellwether, is already broken. By “broken” I mean “doesn’t break.”

We must, therefore, imagine a future where the world’s surf mirrors Southern California. Slow burgers punctuated with the odd set that breaks too far out.

The question, I suppose, is will the World Surf League adjust? I mean, aside from having Ethan Ewing plant a bush in Antarctica. Will the judging criteria change? To reward slow pumping down the line followed by a weak whitewash bash? On a mid length? Hips swiveling lightly while the arms windmill?

Is there a World Title in my future?

More as the story develops.

Justin Trudea and Erin Brooks
Canada's progresive PM Justin Trudea at a fancy dress party and, inset, surfer Erin Brooks.

Canada’s “sadistic” rejection of surfer Erin Brooks’ citizenship “contravenes UN Convention on the Rights of the Child”

“They’re denying her identity and Erin Brooks will pay a price for this”

An interesting email and subsequent phone call this morning from the author of The Lost Canadians: A struggle for citizenship rights, equality and identity re: the “cruel and sadistic” rejection of Erin Brooks’ Canadian citizenship. 

Vancouver-born Chapman, a pilot for United Airlines, was six when he was stripped of his Canadian citizenship due to a weird quirk in the Canadian Citizenship Act and has spent his life advocating for “Hundreds of thousands of others like himself, now collectively known as the Lost Canadians, whose ranks have included such Canadian icons as Roméo Dallaire, Guy Lombardo, Leslie Nielsen, Ricky Gervais, and Nobel Prize winners Willard Boyle and Saul Bellow.” 

Sixteen-year-old Erin Brooks was born in Texas and raised in Hawaii to Canada-born daddy, Jeff, a second-generation Canadian. She wants to compete for Canada at the 2024  Paris Games, has lineage, speaks reasonable French (grandaddy is Québécoise from Montreal) and, likely, will medal at Teahupoo given her formidable skills at a wave that terrifies even the reigning men’s world champ. 

Chapman came across Erin Brook’s story a few month ago, contacted the family and told ‘em,

“I’m not a lawyer but I know the laws better than most anybody.” 

He says he went to the seat of power in Ottawa and was peppered with questions about Erin. They wanted to know her full story, her culture and identity.  

“They’re denying her identity. Erin Brooks could go compete for a lot of other countries but in her heart and her identity she’s Canadian. But they don’t want to give the appearance of her jumping the queue.” 

Chapman says the citizenship queue has eleven people in it; the immigration queue, 50,000.

To point out the absurdity of Canada’s citizenship laws, he gets me to read about a recent decision by PM Justin Trudeau to gift a new life to a girl who ran away from her parents in Saudi Arabia. 

“She had no connection to Canada, nothing, never stopped foot in Canada and Trudeau reaches out and says we want you, we’ll protect you.” 

Trudeau, a progressive who advocates for allowing the entry of half-a-million refugees, has been described as “a Pied Piper eagerly leading his once-rugged nation down a slippery slope where one will soon face the gas chamber merely for accidentally misgendering someone.”

Chapman tells another story of the freestyle skier Dale Begg-Smith, born and raised in Canada, and who wanted to compete at the Olympics under the Maple Leaf, was rejected, and then he won gold for Australia. At which point, Begg-Smith was branded a traitor by his countrymen. 

“Are they going to paint Erin Brooks with the same brush?” says Chapman. “Way to go Erin, everyone loves you except for Canada. Awful girl. What has she done to deserve this? That’s what they’ll do to Erin. She’ll pay a price for this.”

Chapman cites examples where Olympic athletes have slid straight into Canadian citizenship and says with a stroke of pen Erin Brooks could be riding for Canada within twenty four hours. 

As one reviewer wrote of Chatman’s book,

“It’s a tale of appalling treatment by what is allegedly one of the greatest countries in the world against its own citizens and all of the cloak and dagger, smoke filled room type of machinations which go on behind the scenes in an effort to save a loonie or two. Very sad, and yet, the kind of whistle blowing which is needed if anything at all is to change with re. to how big, impersonal governments treat their citizens, all the while heralding their inclusiveness and welcoming spirit.”