In response to Malik Yoba furore, Kelly Slater says sex is "assigned at birth."
"I don't understand this 'assigned' thing," writes Kelly Slater in response to Malik Yoba beatdown. | Photo: @sensitiveseashellcollector

Kelly Slater shocks progressives with claim on Malik Yoba post that sex is “assigned at birth”

"I don't understand this 'assigned' thing. You're born a girl or a boy, end of story," says the world champ.

Empire star Malik Yoba, ooowee-oo he kinky as hell, and brave, after he told the world he was into pre-op trans-gals a few years back.

In a now deleted post on Instagram, Yoba, who also played a pivotal role in the cult film Cool Runnings, told fans,

It’s is NOT about GENITALIA OR SEX but about attraction to the soul and humanity of an individual and often hte beauty that is in the courage and conviction to live one’s truth! As a self-identified cis heterosexual man I too am learning what it means to be trans attracted.

Many of us famous and otherwise that have struggled with accepting our attraction so we do NOTHING. This MUST change.

Yoba, who is fifty-six, was subsequently accused by a trans-hooker of paying her for sex when she was a kid.

“What Malik paid me to do, as a 13 and 16 year old, wasn’t love,” Mariah Lopez Ebony wrote on Facebook.

“His ignoring that I was clearly a child prostitute, wasn’t love. Paying for cheap thrills and secret orgasms; begging for unsafe, unprotected sex from a runaway Trans teen, while enjoying stardom as a successful artist and businessman ….isn’t love.

“Where was his LOOOOOOOOVVVVEEE for Trans women over the last 20 years? Where are his Trans girlfriends? Something tells me I’m not the only one who got some dirt on this individual and, something also tells me that he didn’t just up-and-decide to ‘come out’, he was pushed.”

Anyway, he’s an ally, as they like to say, anything for that juicy She Dick I guess, but walked into a firestorm when he misspoke on a podcast about “naturally born cis gender women…”

“Assigned!” shrieks a panel member.

“Not naturally born! Nothing about it is natural! Nothing about that is natural!”

“Do the work!”


Malik Yoba bravely soaks it up but keeps walking into slaps.

And, so, when Kelly Slater, a common sense avenger who can often be found fighting multiple battles online, saw the three-year-old clip on the Instagram account @therightwingedangel, well, he waded right into the furore.

“Wait, what? I don’t understand this ‘assigned’ thing. You’re born a girl or a boy, end of story. How is this found to be offensive by anyone! And how do they end up in a conversation getting to belittle and bully anyone who doesn’t keep up with this quickly changing narrative?

“You’re free to tell me how you identify and I’ll respect the individual for it you’re not brainwashing objective truth out of my head. Imagine Aretha Franklin rolling over in her grave right now thinking Natural Woman would be cancelled.”

Wise or foolish words?

Do the cultural math etc and leave thoughts, ideas below the line.


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Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli. Thoughtful. Photo: Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli. Thoughtful. Photo: Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Iconic surf actor Sean Penn reveals premonition of Matthew Perry’s tragic drowning

"I can’t say that I was terribly surprised..."

Four weeks ago, the surf world fell into deep mourning as it was revealed that Matthew Perry had drowned. The beloved Friend had, just months previously, run afoul of the aforementioned watery group after he wished Keanu Reeves dead in his acclaimed memoir. “Why is it that the original thinkers like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die,” he penned “but Keanu Reeves still walks among us?”

Surf fans, of course, venerate Reeves as a saint after his portrayal of Johnny Utah in Point Break, which remains one of the best surf movie ever made and were ready to march upon Perry’s Pacific Palisades home with pitchforks. The 54-year-old quickly realized his error and apologized to Reeves, declaring he would remove the line from forthcoming editions of his book.

The surf world breathing a sigh of relief.

Now, the other best surf movie ever made is certainly Fast Times at Ridgemont High which brought to us Jeff Spicoli marvelously portrayed by Sean Penn. The star turn, really, created the surfer stereotype which has survived until this day.

Penn recently sat down with Piers Morgan and reflected on Matthew Perry, saying, “What a talented guy. I can’t claim to have known him well, but I liked him very much.” He then went on to praise him for his book, the people it would help etc. before adding, “It’s tragic, I can’t say that I was terribly surprised. I don’t know what the whole coroner’s report things and everything, but I know he had done a lot of damage to his organs over the years.”

Surf wisdom, I suppose, and it certainly is interesting that Matthew Perry had direct ties to the two greatest surf actors in the last days of his life.

More reasons to love and cherish.

The Millennial Wave feat. Laird Hamilton
The Millennial Wave feat. Laird Hamilton

Laird Hamilton shrieks like school girl as artificial intelligence makes Surfline irrelevant!

700 years of data, over a billion waves, 1 OMG.

To be honest, I don’t know if Laird Hamilton actually surfs big waves any more but he sure used to. King Poseidon taming the wild seas with quadriceps the size of watermelons, abs like a washboard, a jaw made from an old timey lantern. Who could ever forget his OMG Teahupo’o wave?


Now, that I think about it, I only really remember him surfing big waves during his strapped years. Jaws etc. Though was that him or Derick Dorner or that other guy?

Well, back to the issue at hand, big waves and how to find them. In years past, hunting beasts required much knowledge of weather data and swell blah blah plus a premium subscription to forecasting site Surfline. Overnight, all that has vanished.

For scientists at the University of Copenhagen and University of Victoria have plugged 700 years worth of data about “freakishly large” rogue waves into the artificial intelligence machine and can know predict when, and where, they’re going to strike.

“Basically, it is just very bad luck when one of these giant waves hits. They are caused by a combination of many factors that, until now, have not been combined into a single risk estimate. In the study, we mapped the causal variables that create rogue waves and used artificial intelligence to gather them in a model which can calculate the probability of rogue wave formation,” scientist Dion Häfner told

“Bad luck,” of course in the eye of the beholder. Shipping companies losing containers on the burly ocean etc.

Good luck if you are Laird Hamilton

“Our analysis demonstrates that abnormal waves occur all the time. In fact, we registered 100,000 waves in our dataset that can be defined as rogue waves. This is equivalent to around one monster wave occurring every day at any random location in the ocean. However, they aren’t all monster waves of extreme size,” explained other scientist Johannes Gemmrich.

One monster wave every day? This all really forces the question: what has Surfline been doing all this time?

Like, these Danish bros have plugged in over 1 billion waves to their algorithm and, as far as I can tell, make no money from premium subscribers.


Let’s now turn our attention to Sam George discussing OMG.

Balenciaga jupe towel and bondage teddy bears.
Balenciaga ain't afraid to court a little controversy. Pictured, left, happy-ish kid with bondage teddy bear handbag and, right, the towel skirt. | Photo: Balenciaga

Balenciaga accused of cultural appropriation after moving into surf fashion space with wearable $1000 towel

Fashion house goose-steps over ancient surfing tradition…

The French-owned fashion house Balenciaga has stared down claims of cultural appropriation from surfers after releasing a wearable “jupe towel” for a little under seven-hundred European shekels.  

Balenciaga, which was pilloried in 2022 after running an advertising campaign which featured happy kids holding teddy bear handbags dressed in sexy bondage outfits, shockvertising as they say, has appropriated the once-popular custom among surfers of changing out of wetsuits with a towel wrapped around waist.

Balenciaga jupe towel
Balenciaga’s new 700 Euro jupe towel.

Available only in beige, the “towel skirt” forms part of Balenciaga’s spring 2024 range. It is made of terry cotton, can be worn by men or women, features a regular fit, a mid-rise waist, an adjustable belt with a buckle inside, is knee-length and has a Balenciaga logo embroidered on the front.

It is made of one hundred percent cotton and to preserve its structural integrity must be dry-cleaned only.

The cargo pants worn by the model in the photograph cost 1600 Euros. 

Both items are, “made up of essential pieces with sophisticated finishes and noble materials. The house’s DNA is reflected in bold silhouettes without visible logos, precise cuts and minimalist manufacturing techniques.”

Importantly, Balenciaga is a brand that “strives strive to constantly reduce the environmental footprint of our products. The remaining carbon emissions linked to the entire life cycle of this product have been carefully calculated, and we are committed to investing the corresponding funds in carbon capture projects that protect biodiversity, restore natural ecosystems and thus combat climate change.”

Although surfing’s demographic shift to the vulnerable adult learner, median age fifty, means the poncho has taken the place of the makeshift towel skirt long employed by surfers (“If you want to wear a hoody towel and dress like a baby you may as well wear a diaper to wear with it”), it still remains a prized tradition among some. 

Elagabalus (left) finally living her truth.
Elagabalus (left) finally living her truth.

World Surf League on right side of history as British museum re-categorizes Roman emperor as trans woman!

Living truth.

The trans in sport issue has burst back, front and center and right in time for the holiday season. A dinner table conversation sure to please. Days ago, a transgendered swimmer broke a school record in New Jersey. Megan Cortez-Fields beat all-comers to win the women’s 100-yard butterfly after racing on the men’s team last year.

Inspiring, certainly, though not to tennis great Martina Navratilova who took to the application formerly known as Twitter to declare, “Women’s sports is not the place for mediocre male athletes who compete as women. Period.”


Thankfully, our World Surf League finds itself on the correct side of history. Professional surfing at its highest level has one of the more inclusive policies. As Derek Rielly reported almost a year ago, “The WSL has opened the door to trans-women competing so long as they’ve been a gal for at least twelve months and their hormone levels are real low ie less than 5 nanomoles per liter continuously for the previous 12 months (biological men hover between 10 and 35, bio-gals under three), although the WSL won’t be doing the testing.”

But correct side of history?

Of course.

A British museum, you see, is relabeling its exhibitions of Marcus Aurelius Antoninus, better known as Elagabalus, with she/her pronouns instead of previous he/him. Elagabalus ruled the Roman empire for just four years from 218AD to his assassination, aged 18, in 222AD. She was married five times, four to women and once to a man. Cassius Dio, a senator and contemporary, wrote the young emperor was “bestowed in marriage and was termed wife, mistress and queen.”

A museum spokesperson said it was “only polite and respectful to be sensitive to identifying pronouns for people in the past.”

Dr Shushma Malik, a Cambridge university classics professor, disagreed with the move and told the BBC:

“The historians we use to try and understand the life of Elagabalus are extremely hostile towards him, and therefore cannot be taken at face value. We don’t have any direct evidence from Elagabalus himself of his own words. There are many examples in Roman literature of times where effeminate language and words were used as a way of criticising or weakening a political figure. References to Elagabalus wearing makeup, wigs and removing body hair may have been written in order to undermine the unpopular emperor.”

Dr. Shushma Malik sounds un-awakened, however, and I don’t know how much attention we should pay, education be damned.

Which brings us back to the World Surf League and the correct side of history.


David Lee Scales and I, anyhow, briefly discussed Elagabalus though, in all honesty, David Lee didn’t seem too interested. He did have great advice on how to win the Thanksgiving table over. I guarantee it will score you maximum points but you must listen.

And enjoy.