“I remember doing a couple of key bumps. Then I was dead”

Jackass’ breakout star Sean “Poopies” McInerney, whom you’ll remember made his show biz debut as JOB’s crazy sidekick, has revealed he died, and came back to life obvs, after an unscrupulous street dealer sold him what was supposed to be cocaine but was actually fentanyl.

Poopies, who is thirty-seven, old enough y’think to lay off the gear, tells the story on his Jackass co-star Steve-O’s podcast.

Poopies describes feeling an overwhelming desire to “party”, had gotten “hammered on wine” and was “trying to do a bit of sniffy snacks.”

Following a show by another co-star, the comedian Rachel Wolfson, Poopies went to a Cabo Grill. While waiting in line, Poopies asked a “random person on the street for some cocaine.” 

Poopies purchased roughly half a gram, which cost him forty dollars. I know, I know, we pay five times that in Australia for crushed Panadols hosed in hairspray, but the US got Mex. 

Anyway, Poopies takes two key bumps, a technique where the key’s shaft is used to dig a small amount of coke out of the little plastic bag and brought to the active nostril or nostrils. 

Next thing Poopies knew, he woke up in an ambulance with Narcan syringes in his chest.

(Poopies thinks a “couple of super cool black chicks” he was talking to called 911.)

“They (paramedics) were, like, “He’s alive, wow, he’s alive.” 

As far as any profound glimpses of the beyond, Poopies describes his flirtation with death as going to “the darkest (place). Like, you know when you cover your eyes and then, like, and you keep layering it and it gets darker and darker. That’s what I saw. Like, the darkest colour. I was, like, what the? What’s going on, you know? And I was dead.”

Confessionals aren’t new for Poopies.

Over the years, he’s has revealed a secret past as a North Shore prositute and as a drug mule (Poopies says he did it twice, netting a total of four thousand dollars which, he says, he spent buying fast food for he and his pals at the Carlsbad 7-11).

And while he has achieved a podium of fame with his role in Jackass, his infamous stunt for Discovery Channel’s Shark Week has left Poopies with a gimpy hand that limits his mobility.

Do you see a selling point compared to the dozens of other identical shapes on the market?

News shared by Chas today that Kelly Slater has released a new board under his Slater Design label. This time collaborating with shaper Mark Woo. A performance twin.

Online purchases available just in time for Black Friday.

The hook?

This one mimics the outline of a Great White shark. Kelly Slater’s not the first to turn to nature for surfboard design. Greenough’s original revolutionary fin templates were of course copied from the dorsal of a tuna fish. While the Meyerhoffer was modeled off a merman’s dick.*

I find the performance twin-fish genre to be a lazy reach. Forgiving rails, wide point forward and carried through the middle. Refined, pulled in tail to allow responsiveness and tighter arcs in turns. Business at the front and party at the back, as they say. It’s about as ground-breaking as a Toyota saloon.

Every major shaping label offers its own iteration. You could argue Lost built its empire around it.

Lazy reach, maybe.

But, as with a Toyota, fuck it if they don’t work.

Like my latest vehicle of choice. It’s another $50 special from FB Marketplace. An older performance twin. 6’3″ x 19 1/2 x 2 1/2 or thereabouts. Full volume through the front, low rocker, beaked nose. Pulled right in through the tail. A subtle swallow. Fixed twin fins. Upright, toed in.

The thing hooks. I’ve surfed it in everything from weak one-foot point breaks to slabbing four-to-six-foot beachies. Speed, drive, hold, but with the right amount of release when you want it. Usual caveats on your backhand in the pocket. But all in all, worth every dollar I spent on it.

Fun fact: the fiberglass is breaking away around the tail, which cut my knees up everytime I surf it. Sort of like a self-flagellation for riding such a user-friendly shape. I don’t mind.

It’s shaped by Darren Symes, master of the holy SDV trinity. Single concave into double into vee through the tail. He’s responsible for one of the best boards I’ve ever owned, a mid noughties thruster that still holds pride of place in my mum’s back shed. One of those ones I can’t bring myself to throw away, even if I couldn’t ride the thing now.

Will this twinny end up in the same realm?

Probably not. But it’s fun as a fuck on an onshore day out the Point.

Back to Kelly Slater’s board, though.

Man’s certainly not scared to put his name to a product. Fins. Tail pads. Sports drinks. Wave pools. Sandals. Though to be fair, when it comes to boards, he’s usually focusing on high-performance at all costs. Seeing him enter the fish market might be the subtlest of concessions to his legacy. Of course there’s a Slater twist: this one has more nose rocker than your standard twin/fish.

Does it tickle your fancy at all?

Do you see a selling point compared to the dozens of other identical shapes on the market?

For me, it highlights the vacuous model system that underpins the entire board industry. Constantly tweaked iterations of the same three or four designs pumped out year after year. There’s a reason some of the top pros ride the same shape over and over, just with different sticker covering it up. They’re all the same in the end. Especially for us plebs.

My take?

The board looks like it would be fun as fuck too. And a fresh stick off the rack every now and then is alright to see what’s out there, while supporting your local retailer.

But find a design you like then go work with a trusted shaper to dial it in. Think globally, surf locally.

Or just be a povvo and buy them third hand like me.

*yeah ok not really