Nothing screams VAL like rocking up to the beach with board in travel cover on the roof of your car. What are you, a pro?

Inspired by recent buyer’s guide in Gizmodo, here is the surfads grumpy local’s buyer’s guide for Summer

Surfing’s always been fuelled by consumerism. Materialistic. From Gidget to Kong to Torryn Martin, everyone’s selling something. The pursuit itself is capitalist at its core. Couldn’t be any more selfish if it tried.

I’m not gonna deny it. If I tallied up all the money I’ve spent on surfing over the years, I could probably order a custom Christensen.

But that recent gizmodo buyer’s guide was something else.

Did you catch it?

The outdoor sports enthusiast’s surfing apparel handbook.

Recommendations for the best new quiver (~$3k). Wetsuits (~$1k). Fins (~$300). Surf sandals (~$140). Surf backpack (~$95). Surf skateboard (~$240). ‘Changing robe’ ($215). 3000 + words and $5000 later, you can be a surfer too.

It’s that easy.

The modern day VAL is predisposed to decking out head-to-toe surf merch in a way we haven’t seen in recent times. Yeah, it might have been a phase you went through in your early teens. Surf decals scrawled on your school books. Stickers taking up every inch of real estate on your fridge.

But these guys and gals are adults. Cashed up. New boards on the roof of the Tesla. Pop-up notifications on their smartphone for r/surfing reddit updates. Rip Curl tidemaster synched to Surfline cams so they never miss a wave. Dressed like 11 year olds going on their first school camp.

It’s wild.

With that in mind, here’s my grumpy local buyer’s guide for 2023.

Caveat emptor.

10-12 second hand boards in your shed which you never ride
Stacked upon each other haphazardly. Ready to collapse in a heap at any moment.

The boards in your quiver should each have design elements and functionalities specific to one type of conditions, so as to provide a never ending cycle of excuses for why you fucked up that last wave.

“Ah fuck it, this edge spoon fish has too much volume through the tail. I should have ridden the five fin bat tail bonzer with the beak nose. Idiot.”

No all-rounders. That would be too easy. You’re not doing this to have fun.

A notable exception will be made here for the low-key hustler who gets regular boards off his local shaper and always orders the same spray so as to confuse any snooping spouses who may be concerned by the amount of new boards being purchased.

A rare example where wanton consumerism is actively condoned.

A powerful move.

Two wetsuits.
Black. Nondescript. Interchangeable based on which one is most wet. Remember: you never want to take care of these properly. Hanging out after every couple of surfs is ok. But anything beyond that is just gluttonous.

What are you, a fucken pro or something? Settle down, cunt.

Boardshorts. Also black.
In fact the only acceptable combination of surf gear is a full-length steamer, vest, and/or boardshorts. Any other combination is way too lairy.

What are you, a fucken pro or something? Settle down, cunt.

Wetsuit wet bag
This is not for putting your wetsuit in. No, no, no. Your wetsuit bag is for storing random fins, fin keys, empty zinc and sunscreen containers, wax, coins, soy sauce container lids etc. Much like the mental health of a middle-aged surfer it should be filled with the detritus of everyday life and left to ferment.

At some point it will form a slick residue of sea water, melted wax, disintegrated cardboard and abandoned childhood dreams. Only to spill out every so often into a stream of toxic filth, damaging to anybody unlucky enough to be close to it .

At which point you can empty it out and start the process again.

Happy days. Until they’re not.

Sun protection
You should actually spend a bit of money here, to be fair. As one enters middle age and observes the effects of ol’ father time first hand, vanity comes to the fore. I started stealing my wife’s Loreal tan zinc. Dunno how much it costs, but. tan zinc is also good because you can leave it on after the surf and it acts like foundation. Wrinkles be gone!

Block of Sex Wax which only exists in two states: still in the box or less than 1/8th remaining.
There’s no in-between.

Sedan or SUV that can fit your entire quiver inside it
Roof racks are for losers. Boards should only go on the roof if you’re travelling long distances in some form of family holiday/rental car on a surf trip configuration. Buck up and buy a car that fits your boards in the interior for everyday use.

Nothing screams VAL like rocking up to the beach with board in travel cover on the roof of your car.

Where did you travel from? Your house? Five minutes drive away?

What are you, a pro? Settle down, cunt.

Also, if your wife/husband/child/significant other doesn’t spend every day trip to and from the beach with their face jammed into the passenger side window by the three boards you’ve expertly positioned betwixt folded down seats, you’re obviously not committed to this life of ours.

Old towels
Exist in two states: sopping wet or as dry and stiff as a cardboard box. As I mentioned in the comments on the original Gizmodo article, if you want to wear a hoody towel and dress like a big baby you may as well wear a diaper to go with it.

Smartphone
For leaving angry comments about covid lockdowns, WSL commentators and trans athletes in sports on various online surfing forums. But not a fancy new iphone. Probably one of those basic HTC bricks.

Or, as I like to sometimes imagine, a Blackberry with a stylus. Furiously tapping away below the fold. As if your demented ramblings matter one iota as we descend into WW3.

What else?

"I watched them circle twice around Bill… and on the third loop, they were literally hanging out the side of it pointing at the shark!"

Two good Samaritans have been forced to crash-land their bird after flying low to warn a surfer he was being stalked by a twenty-foot Great White on a remote stretch of coastline in NSW’s far south. 

Bill Ballard was surfing a joint called Wallagoot when he was buzzed by the little plane.

“I looked up at both of the people in the aircraft and they were almost hanging over the side screaming at me, ‘shark, shark!’ and pointing at a big shadow in the water 20 metres away,” Bill told The Examiner’s on the ground reporter Amandine Ahrens.  

“I looked up at both of the people in the aircraft and they were almost hanging over the side screaming at me, ‘shark, shark!’ and pointing at a big shadow in the water 20 metres away. At first, I thought they must have mistaken it for a dolphin and I kept asking if they were sure it wasn’t, but the pilot said, ‘no, I’ve been flying for years and I know exactly what a shark looks like.” 

Billy’s mama Janine saw the drama unfold. 

“I watched them circle twice around Bill, and I hadn’t realised they were trying to contact him, and on the third loop, they were literally hanging out the side of it pointing at the shark… I watched it thinking, they’re trying to get to the beach, but they’re not going to make it, because they kept falling and then it just went bang into the water.” 

Beachgoers helped pull the bird out of the water and drove the pilots back to their car, reports The Examiner.

Weird thing about the episode is no photos of the event nor a description of the bird involved as if this was some sorta alt-universe where no one carries a well-thumbed telephone.

Y’ever seen a beachgoer not locked into their telephone?

Mysterious.

Update: The lil bird was a gyro-copter! Photo below!

"In the final scene, the commandos rush up the beach with assault rifles in hand."

Mainland China and its pretty little offshoot Taiwan have been poised on the brink since ol’ Chiang Kai-Shek and his Chinese Nationalists (the Kuomintang) fled the mainland in 1949, roundly defeated by Mao Zedong’s Commie bastards following that country’s twenty-two year civil war. 

Both of ‘em were bastards, as it were, the Nationalists declaring martial law in Taiwan and not lifting the jackboot from the people’s neck until 1987, the island’s sand reddened by the blood of 140,000 of its citizens. 

Anyway, mainland China was, is, always gonna come for Taiwan. 

And, as revealed today, the People Liberation Army, has turned to jet-powered surfboards to get its commandos onto Taiwan’s beaches. 

Military enthusiast Louis Cheung tweeted a 24-second clip, ripped from a China Youth Daily vid posted on Weibo,  showing PLA commandoes on the revolutionary craft. 

PLA’s new equipment for individual landing operations pic.twitter.com/5gSTs1W9x0

— 彩云香江 (@louischeung_hk) September 27, 2022

Taiwan News reports, 

In the video, soldiers in black wetsuits can be seen carrying large, waterproof rucksacks and they lie prone on surfboards. The tiny craft are only large enough to hold one man and are self-propelled. One rider can be seen wearing goggles, and the face of another can be seen in another shot as he peers over the board.

After focusing on individual riders, the camera pans out to show a full squad of 12 men who can be seen riding the surfboards in tight formation. Towards the end of the video, the frogmen can be seen landing on a beach and discarding their boards as they are guided in by a man waving red flags.

In the final scene, the commandos rush up the beach with assault rifles in hand.

The obvious question is, should the West muzzle the Commies and save Taiwan or let the remnants of the Kuomintang fall on its sword.

The sensible money would be to give China its prize and hope we all get along although I believe that once the Reds’ nostrils quiver in the stink of victory they won’t stop until the Pacific is theirs.

Therefore, affix your bayonets boys, we going over the top!

Banzai! Etc.

Or no?