World Surf League taps massive audience to push hair conditioner on Cyber Monday!

"Formulated with love."

The reports of the World Surf League’s death are greatly exaggerated… oh wait. The “Global Home of Surfing,” which made much news eight years ago, circa 1976, by acquiring professional surfing for free and promising its most ardent fans that the show will soon be bigger than the National Football League has experienced a precipitous fall since.

Real wine replaced by Barefoot Wine replaced by wine-flavored tap water as sponsors.

A regional Australian ladder company now the “face of the brand.”

And so it should come as no surprise that a never-before-heard-of hair conditioner was the only partner for the World Surf League’s Cyber Monday blast.

Clicking the link won the savvy shopper 50% off hair conditioner.

It must be noted that the beauty product was not made by Hurley.

Now, let’s be honest. With John John Florence leaving tour and Filipe Toledo penned in to win the next three small wave world championships, how much longer does the billionaire-backed enterprise have?

Under/over please.


Thomas J. Lochtefeld (insert) manically laughing as he does Ivanka Trump a "dirty water." Photo: Instagram
Thomas J. Lochtefeld (insert) manically laughing as he does Ivanka Trump a "dirty water." Photo: Instagram

America’s daughter Ivanka Trump viciously embarrassed by surf tank guru Tom Lochtefeld!

"She's riding the red wave."

It is political season in America. That wonderful time of year when nieces refuse to meet with uncles, grandchildren with the elderly over sharp disagreement. While opposing sides once lightly tolerated each other, these days each is busily petitioning Satan to open the gates of hell for the other, begging for front row seats so that nana and auntie can be watched writhing in eternal pain over the principle sin of a wrong vote.

And yet Ivanka Trump.

The former first daughter, now aged 42, is the rare creature that is universally adored. Beautiful, intelligent, a wife that puts the Stepfords to shame, a mother that makes Joan Crawford appear uninvolved. She has no enemies, save one.

Tom Lochetefeld.

While many assume that Kelly Slater invented the wave pool, the credit should mostly go to Thomas J. Lochtefeld. As Derek Rielly writes, “There’s no bigger name in the wavepool game than San Diego’s Thomas J. Lochtefeld, a former tax lawyer turned water park proprietor turned creator of surf dreams. Lochtefeld got his surf chops threading caves at Big Rock in La Jolla, San Diego, and has spent the last thirty-five years trying to recreate similar thrills at the punch of a button.”

Now, you are likely aware of the maestro’s current project in Palm Springs, but did you know he invented the FlowRider?

Again, Derek Rielly:

In 1987, he sold his share in a bunch of theme parks for two million dollars and used that cash, as well the sale of his beachfront joint at La Jolla for 950k to create a standing wave, called Flowrider, that ended up being installed in over 200 joints in thirty-five countries.

In 1999, the Swiss watch company Swatch toured a souped up version of the Flowrider called Bruticus Maximus and that caused more permanent injuries in one year than Teahupoo in the last thirty, around the world: from Florence to Munich, Vienna, Hanover, Long Beach, San Diego, Manila and Sydney, with Tony Hawke, Kelly Slater, Chris Miller and Terje Haakonsen wowing crowds with a surf, snow, skate combo of airs and tubes.

Re-Enter Ivanka Trump

A nasty tool, no doubt, and now look at Ivanka Trump trying it out, gliding high one moment…

Ivanka Trump before.
Ivanka Trump before.

…brought entirely low the next.

Ivanka Trump after.
Ivanka Trump after.

Thomas J. Lochtefeld’s maniacal laugh heard ringing.

The august Page Six declared, “She’s riding the red wave.

I don’t think the editors, there, know what that means.


Christina Revels-Glick arrested and shamed for jerking off on Tybee Island Beach found dead at 36

Christina Revels-Glick's suicide a legacy of the impact of the public shaming and stigma from the arrest.

A couple of years back, a real cute gal called Christina Revels-Glick was arrested for bringing herself to a very quick orgasm, with battery-powered tool, at Tybee Island, near Savannah, Georgia.

The cops’ bodycam footage, which was subsequently viewed two-and-a-half million times, shows Christina Revels-Glick cuffed, arrested and dragged off the beach.

“What did I do? What did I do?” says Christina Revels-Glick. 

“Apparently you were masturbating on the beach?” says cop.

They ask to search her bag, there’s a vibrator in there (“It’s a bullet style,” says the man cop) and Revels-Glick fesses up that she had a little play under the towel.

“Let me show you what I did…listen, I was sitting on the water like this…I just put it in there. I was covered up and I just had an orgasm. I am sorry. I was just stressed out.”

As she was led away, she said: “Please don’t do this to me. Are you serious?”

According to the cop’s report, a local Karen “observed a white female pleasure herself on the beach with a vibrator.”

When asked if she’d give a written statement, Karen went one better and gave ‘em a a video.

“In the video, I observed a white female waring a one-piece green bikini lay out a white towel. The female sits on the towel facing the water. The female then reaches into her green backpack and pull out an unknown object. The female then spreads her legs apart and puts both of her hands in between her legs. This went on for a few seconds until the female looked to her right and stopped what she was doing. There is no other action from the female as the video ends.” 

Now, what’s wrong with this story?

Yeah, they arrested the wrong person. 

Two and a half-thou marines died in Afghanistan for this?

Creep who filmed should’ve been cuffed, lightning-cum gal celebrated etc. 

Anyway, Christina Revels-Glick, who was thirty-six, has been found dead, her suicide a legacy of the impact of the public shaming and stigma from the event. 

This circular story, the filming by a Karen, the arrest, the charge for indecent and disorderly conduct, and the decline of Christina Revels-Glick’s decline in mental health, shows the continuing battle of American values, I think.

In one corner, you got the freedom at all costs crowd versus the modesty gang who want to be up in your grill for every damn thing you do.

Diff rule for guys, howevs. Don’t wanna see no Joe tooling around with his fetid wand on the beach.


Kanoa Igarashi (pictured) happier times. Photo: WSL
Kanoa Igarashi (pictured) happier times. Photo: WSL

Kanoa Igarashi rips Griffin Colapinto, Filipe Toledo as “nobodies” in wild new interview!

Italo Ferreira a nobody too.

Professional surfing is, truly, a very difficult game. While the World Surf League has done its damndest to batter and bruise its image, the best surfers on earth still reside on the Championship Tour. Though, let us be fair, that number is no more than ten of twenty-five-ish.

Kanoa Igarashi, who could and should count himself amongst the elite, had, by his high standard, a lousy 2023 season. The Japanese-by-way-of-Huntington-Beach star sat down with Pedro Teixeira de Motas on his surf-centric podcast to reflect upon the hows and whys during a freewheeling interview.

All conducted in Portuguese.

The translation has Igarashi saying, “The people I lost make me so angry. It’s horrible, I lost people that nobody knows.”

The record shows he lost to João Chianca at Pipeline, Matthew McGillivray at Sunset, Samuel Pupo in Portual, Griffin Colapinto at Bells, Italo Ferreira at Mags, Colapinto, again, at Surf Ranch, Filipe Toledo in El Salvador, Ryan Callinan in Brazil, Toledo, again, at J-Bay and Rio Waida at the Place of Broken Skulls.

I understand the McGillivray and Waida smears but Griffin Colapinto? Italo Ferreira?

The world’s best small wave surfer, and sitting world champ, Filipe Toledo?

A bit rough, no?

Thoughts?


Kelly Slater says French absurdist comedy Brice de Nice “best surf movie of all time!”

"The film is twisted but it's my best surf film," says Slater.

In a moment of the rawest candour, Kelly Slater has listed Brice de Nice as the greatest surf movie of all time, elevating the absurdist French comedy above Big Wednesday, Endless Summer, Morning of the Earth, Free Ride, Gidget, Blue Crush and so on.

Slater, who is a few months short of his fifty-second birthday, made the claim about Brice de Nice on the Steve-O podcast, telling his host,

“It’s an incredible film. This guy lives in the Mediterranean and he wants to be a surfer. In the opening scene, you see him sitting on his board waiting for a wave and there’s like an old woman with a swimming cap coming ashore. We see that there isn’t even a ripple of a wave in the sea. The guy is just there, sitting on his board, dreaming of a wave that never arrives.”

Brice de Nice holds significant cultural importance in French popular culture, particularly in the comedy genre. Released in 2005, the film, directed by James Huth, features the character Brice Agostini, portrayed by Jean Dujardin whom you might’ve adored, like me, as the sparkling George Valentin in The Artist.

Brice is a surfer with an exaggerated sense of self-confidence and catchphrases like “Casse-toi, then!” (“Get lost, then!”). After the film’s release, Brice quickly became an iconic and often imitated figure in French youth culture.

If you ever go to a party full of French surfers, yeah, you’ll hear it.

The film’s success can be attributed to its blend of slapstick humor, absurdity, and a memorable protagonist. Brice embodies a carefree and nonchalant attitude, resonating with a generation that embraced the pursuit of laid-back lifestyles. The character’s distinctive phrases and antics have permeated everyday language, becoming part of colloquial speech.

Brice de Nice symbolises a departure from traditional French cinema, incorporating elements of American-style humor and showcasing a character that deviates from the typical French hero. This departure contributed to the film’s appeal and cultural impact, marking a shift in the comedic landscape of French cinema.

Very much a cult film.

As Slater tells the story,

“One day he discovers that at the other end of France there are waves and he goes there… He’s rich but witty. He’s really very weird. (Brice de Nice) is twisted but it’s my best surf film.”

 

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