"She's riding the red wave."

It is political season in America. That wonderful time of year when nieces refuse to meet with uncles, grandchildren with the elderly over sharp disagreement. While opposing sides once lightly tolerated each other, these days each is busily petitioning Satan to open the gates of hell for the other, begging for front row seats so that nana and auntie can be watched writhing in eternal pain over the principle sin of a wrong vote.

And yet Ivanka Trump.

The former first daughter, now aged 42, is the rare creature that is universally adored. Beautiful, intelligent, a wife that puts the Stepfords to shame, a mother that makes Joan Crawford appear uninvolved. She has no enemies, save one.

Tom Lochetefeld.

While many assume that Kelly Slater invented the wave pool, the credit should mostly go to Thomas J. Lochtefeld. As Derek Rielly writes, “There’s no bigger name in the wavepool game than San Diego’s Thomas J. Lochtefeld, a former tax lawyer turned water park proprietor turned creator of surf dreams. Lochtefeld got his surf chops threading caves at Big Rock in La Jolla, San Diego, and has spent the last thirty-five years trying to recreate similar thrills at the punch of a button.”

Now, you are likely aware of the maestro’s current project in Palm Springs, but did you know he invented the FlowRider?

Again, Derek Rielly:

In 1987, he sold his share in a bunch of theme parks for two million dollars and used that cash, as well the sale of his beachfront joint at La Jolla for 950k to create a standing wave, called Flowrider, that ended up being installed in over 200 joints in thirty-five countries.

In 1999, the Swiss watch company Swatch toured a souped up version of the Flowrider called Bruticus Maximus and that caused more permanent injuries in one year than Teahupoo in the last thirty, around the world: from Florence to Munich, Vienna, Hanover, Long Beach, San Diego, Manila and Sydney, with Tony Hawke, Kelly Slater, Chris Miller and Terje Haakonsen wowing crowds with a surf, snow, skate combo of airs and tubes.

Re-Enter Ivanka Trump

A nasty tool, no doubt, and now look at Ivanka Trump trying it out, gliding high one moment…

…brought entirely low the next.

Thomas J. Lochtefeld’s maniacal laugh heard ringing.

The august Page Six declared, “She’s riding the red wave.”

I don’t think the editors, there, know what that means.

Italo Ferreira a nobody too.

Professional surfing is, truly, a very difficult game. While the World Surf League has done its damndest to batter and bruise its image, the best surfers on earth still reside on the Championship Tour. Though, let us be fair, that number is no more than ten of twenty-five-ish.

Kanoa Igarashi, who could and should count himself amongst the elite, had, by his high standard, a lousy 2023 season. The Japanese-by-way-of-Huntington-Beach star sat down with Pedro Teixeira de Motas on his surf-centric podcast to reflect upon the hows and whys during a freewheeling interview.

All conducted in Portuguese.

The translation has Igarashi saying, “The people I lost make me so angry. It’s horrible, I lost people that nobody knows.”

The record shows he lost to João Chianca at Pipeline, Matthew McGillivray at Sunset, Samuel Pupo in Portual, Griffin Colapinto at Bells, Italo Ferreira at Mags, Colapinto, again, at Surf Ranch, Filipe Toledo in El Salvador, Ryan Callinan in Brazil, Toledo, again, at J-Bay and Rio Waida at the Place of Broken Skulls.

I understand the McGillivray and Waida smears but Griffin Colapinto? Italo Ferreira?

The world’s best small wave surfer, and sitting world champ, Filipe Toledo?

A bit rough, no?

Thoughts?

Almost gone too soon.

Kai Lenny, man. Is there anything the Maui built super stud can do wrong? The handsome 31-year-old is handsome, fearless, respected, talented and handsome. “Brave and daring and honey coloured,” according to master of modern erotic surf poetry Derek Rielly. He is, or was, best friends with Mark Zuckerberg but even that closeness with a technology master could not save him from getting caught by Surfline’s “definitely under-forecast” swell.

Those who do not live on the Hawaiian islands were, maybe, unaware as, days ago, monster waves made a sneak attack on north facing shores. While surfers hurried to wax the probably the wrong boards, caught unawares, homeowners and commuters took to the streets in order to hold protests. Fiery chants of “Blame Surfline” filling the balmy air.

Kai Lenny Over the Falls

Kai Lenny, though, confident and audacious, was out amongst it, a the ominously named Jaws, and shared a terrifying video of him paddling up the face of a watery giant before getting sucked over in slow motion, likely driven deep. Davey Jones tickling his ankles with cold, clammy fingers.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Kai Lenny (@kai_lenny)

“Learning new tricks in big waves don’t come with out consequences. Every fall or caught inside there’s a chance the board will go straight on the rocks. In an attempt to save my board I was dragged over the falls,” he penned to Instagram.

The question must be asked, though. Might the potentially deadly trip been averted had Surfline done its job?

Allowing Kai Lenny to, as advertised, “Know before he went?”

More to the point, should a congressional inquiry be taken up in order to get to the bottom of the misfire?

I think it would be a very good use of resources. Something that would bring the country together.

In any case, I was out surfing yesterday morning too. I caught a rib-high right and was ready to really get into it when a vulnerable adult learner, male, aged 55+, dropped out of the sky, nearly landing right on me. While not as dynamic as the Kai Lenny footage, it was scary.

#IStandWithKai

#BraveBoy