Terror ripples through Southern California as “Christmassive Surf” set to detonate coastline!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

"This is the end..."

A certain percentage of Southern Californian woke, this morning, with terror clawing at the edges of hearts. Invading the quiet spaces of minds. Pounding, pounding, pounding at psyches. Specifically, those who received new surfboards underneath the tree on Christmas morning.

For their mettle will be immediately tested as a “strong swell” is arriving at the shore, teeth bared, ready to eat fresh Wavestorms, Wave Bandits, Jamie O’Brien LOGs et. al. and spit out their pilots wrecked and ragged.

According to the local KTLA news:

Strong swells along the Southern California coast Wednesday will only build later in the week, prompting officials to issue a coastal flood advisory.

Above-average surf between 3 to 5 feet is expected through Wednesday along the Los Angeles County coasts, according to the National Weather Service. Those swells will reach 7 feet along the Ventura County Coasts.

The surf will surge on Thursday, reaching around 10 feet in L.A. County and up to 14 feet in Ventura County, according to the Weather Service.

But imagine, all the big talk after the wrapping was cleaned up, tossed into the recycling bin, the adult learner holding his new cool pineapple-logo’d soft top, talking all that big talk. How he is going to paddle out and barrel. How he is going to Waimea. How he is going to rhino chase without expecting a ten foot super-swell to actually provide the opportunity instantly.

Uh oh.

And now imagine his girlfriend watching KTLA, becoming excited for her man to show his skills in those strong swells. Planning their trip to the beach. Telling all her confidants about it and inviting them too.

There they all go to El Porto, sun shining brilliantly, 10 feet of pure Pacific fury bearing down.

The end.

Comments
0
Load Comments
0
Surfer magazine uses gored to describe shark attack
A look of mild surprise passes across sad, tear-stained face of Surfer writer after "gored" faux pas.

AI blamed for Surfer magazine’s latest faux pas that has left surf fans in stitches

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

"Sharks have horns now?"

Earlier this year, and following a series of damning exposés by Chas Smith, here, here, here, here and here, Jen See wrote of the terrible fate befalling writers at Surfer mag.

“You picture yourself in Hawaii watching beautifully tanned surfers ride giant blue waves. You see yourself at San Onofre, where you’ve somehow instantly become a graceful and accomplished longboarder.

“Instead, your job looks nothing like any of these things. Using AI tools, you scrape social media for trending news. Then using another tool, trained on Surfer’s legacy digital content, you produce a story. You do that many times each day.

“You never talk to another person, never go anywhere, never learn to noseride at San-O. Your job is to punch the buttons to create the content that feeds the search engine bots that crawl the internet all day, every day. Eventually, it would have to start to feel like you were becoming one of the bots, yourself.”

Yesterday, Surfer published a story about a middle-aged man bitten on the ankle by what was, possibly, a shark with the headline “Shark gores windsurfer in Western Australia on Christmas Eve.”

“This is a developing story,” the writer gravely announced.

Surf fans, who will rarely suffer a fool and who are wildly overrepresented in the field of pedantry, were unimpressed, pointing out the thoughtless use of the adjective “gored” in the headline.

“Gores”??? They have horns now? The dude was bitten on the ankle and that’s the headline? Surfer mag has jumped the shark.

“(Gored, definition) Blood that has been shed, especially as a result of violence.”

“Gored implies horns in the united states.”

“And the rest of the English speaking world…”

“Maybe it was a bull shark?”

“Sharks have horns in Australia? Gored? Seriously?”

“Since when do sharks have horns?”

“If the shark gored, it must have been extremely hоrnее.”

“Gored? Sharks have horns? Tusks maybe? Get someone educated to write the header.”

“Gored? Must have been a bull shark.”

“Sharks don’t ‘gore’, media…”

“to wound (a person or another animal) with a horn or tusk”

“Is whoever wrote this not versed in the english language? Sharks bite, they don’t gore.”

“I gored my wife last night.”

“GORED !!????….must have been a Narwhal whale that crossbred with a shark, therefore it must have been a narwhal shark.”

For the layman,

“If you stabbed someone with a sword, you gored them. An animal with sharp horns, like a bull, can gore a person to death. Gore is also blood that’s clotting in a wound.”

To wit, in the tabloid age  sharks maul, bulls gore.

Comments
0
Load Comments
0
Sunshine Beach beachfront house sells for million
View ain't so bad out the front of the 28-mill joint. | Photo: Tom Offermann real estate

Beachfront hunk of dirt last sold for 200k trades for $28 million in surfer-led coastal boom

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

You're a surfer. Did you get a piece before it all went nuts?

If you’ve been in the surf game your whole life, you had a front row seat to the coastal property boom. 

Malibu, Rainbow Bay, Hossegor, Puerto Escondido, Burleigh Heads, Sunset Beach, Pupukea, even joints like down-at-heel Maroubra have soared beyond any sorta reasonable imagination. Your ol pal DR almost had to be revived early on Boxing Day after the beachfront joint he kept at Burleigh, selling in 2103 or something, had grown six-fold in price.

And, up there on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast, just north of Brisbane, there’s a place called Sunshine Beach where, well, you wanna check this out. 

A pretty house with all the trappings of the nouveau riche on a little less than acre at 33 Ross Crescent, which last sold for 200 gees in 1987, has just traded for twenty-eight mill. Five beds, a cellar to keep the gimp in and a curved infinity pool overlooking the finely grassed backyard that slopes down to the sand. Oowee.

Sunshine Beach house sells for million
About as pretty as backyards get, doncha think?

And it ain’t even the biggest sale there, another joint was sold for thirty-four mill almost three years ago, the suburb’s median price almost three million dollars. 

Did you get a piece of the beach before the prices hit so hard ain’t no chance in hell your kids or their kids are ever going to own near the surf? 

The beachfront shack I had at La Grav, and which I didn’t buy at two-fifty, now, three mill. 

The beachfront apartment at Burleigh, two hundred, now a little over one mill.

The million buck attached house in Bondi, almost four mill. 

Dreary old Suffolk Park, once bleak as anything, a suburban wasteland south of Byron Bay, now the hippest place among Australian surfers, two, three, four mill for the ubiquitous Palm Springs-styled mansion.

Question to the more financially literate among us: do you regard coastal property, real estate as a category even, as the best grower of personal wealth or is it for chumps and better to put your cash into stocks, vending machines etc?

Comments
0
Load Comments
0
Conquering.
Conquering

Surfing Santas continue improbable rise to peak holiday kitsch!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

World domination.

And now Merry Christmas to our northern hemisphere brothers and sisters. I can only trust that each of your houses is filled with joy and laughs and harmony. Also, I assume, there is some manner of holiday kitsch hovering nearby. Fake reindeer antler ears, say, on Uncle Ron’s head. Or a big red bow on Aunt Sue’s Volkswagen Beetle.

But who would have ever thought that Cocoa Beach’s Surfing Santas would have scaled so high up Mount Merry in a short fourteen years. Yes, the annual celebration in which Kelly Slater-adjacent surfers dress as jolly ol’ Saint Nick and paddle into the ocean for to make surfing.

More and more news outlets cover the affair each year and, today, the business rivals the Catholic Church for space in the headlines.

The BBC, an entirely respected institution, released its annual wrap, late last night, declaring,“Midnight Mass and surfing Santas: Pictures of Christmas around the world.”

Surfing Santas never so honored or esteemed.

Revered.

Oh.

I just looked at the picture and the Surfing Santa was not Floridian but there in Bondi, Australia.

Do you think rage percolating in the Sunshine State or do you think Surfing Santas all equally satisfied with world domination?

Whatever the case, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

Comments
0
Load Comments
0
Joaquin Del Castillo injured at Pipeline
Joaquin Del Castillo in hozzy after nearly getting split in two at Backdoor.

Pipeline claims third high-profile surfer as horror North Shore winter continues

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

Busted hip, no insurance. Like, yike!

The mighty Pipeline has shattered its third assailant in as many weeks, Peruvian hotshot Joaquin Del Castillo suffering  multiple hip fractures after a catastrophic wipeout.

Friends of Joaquin Del Castillo, who is twenty eight and known for his kinky aerial tricks as well as an ability to impound himself in the Pipeline palace, have set up a GoFundMe to pay for his med bills after it was revealed he wasn’t insured for such a misadventure.

Tough time we are having Joaquin Del Castillo had an accident today in Hawaii training for the World Championship at Backdoor.
He is out of danger but he had a serious hip fracture, because of the delicate condition he will not be able to travel to Peru and will have to be operated on in Hawaii. Joaquin does not have health insurance but I know that all together we can put our grain of sand to be able to help him and that he can return to Peru with the family

Instagram warriors meandered back and forth between compassion and confusion Joaquin Del Castillo didn’t have a little back up in case things went south on the North Shore.

All these pro surfers without insurance getting injured

Really a surfer representing PERU 🇵🇪 must have insurance either by the IPD or its sponsors

One of the best national surfers representing Peru outside in the hottest courts leaving the flag always high… And the state, Federation of course + IPD, can’t they if they want to pay for good accident insurance!?

Three weeks ago, world number four Joao Chianca was dragged unconscious from the water at Pipe by teenage surfer Jake Maki and last week, Teahupoo kingpin Eimeo Czermak lost the use of his legs and got belted with a concussion after going over the falls at the Vans Pipe Masters.

 

 

 

 

Comments
0
Load Comments
0
Photo: Jack English
EAT BEACHGRIT SPAM!
It's Daily!