A surf fight in waist-deep water at Tracks on Oahu.
Surfer gets cracks from local at Tracks on Oahu's westside.

Surf fight splits internet after local filmed slapping visitor at popular Hawaiian surf spot!

Derek Rielly

By

“If you got slapped you probably deserved it. And if this kills your vibe…safer beaches down the road.”

A pleasingly diverse array of commentary following a surf fight at Tracks on Oahu’s westside, a popular and unchallenging wave near where Johnny Boy Gomes and Sunny Garcia were tutored in the aloha spirit. 

The Instagram account @hawaiinewsreport posted the surf fight, which is one-way, local stalks the visitor in waist-deep water before administering his coup de grace, with the explanatory note:

Posting this video is not to hurt anyone’s feelings but to ask what you think and is this ok to treat visitors like this? I don’t know what happened before the slap. I Posted on my story this video and there was a mixed reaction. Most people said this is not Pono but some said it was ok to do… obviously this person who was slapped was not from here but is it ok to slap him if he did get in your way? Alot of people said what if local people traveled to mainland and the locals at those places we visit slapped us and treated us like this? When u travel to the mainland do people welcome you or do they mistreat you? Let us know in the comments.

Which the commentariat sure do.

In one corner, we got old schoolers thrilled by the rough citizen policing vs the feel-gooders and non-surfers who can’t appreciate how…good… it feels to pop a cunt’s fins out with your fist or deliver a blow that rocks your opponent.

Plenty pro surfers in the comment section who think they are in their element when they are out there trying to surf.Its called etiquette.Get rules.Locals first.No drop in.And no paddle battle with the boys.And no lip back if you don’t know who you talkin too.These are the things that’ll get you clipped from ever surfing there again.If you don’t like it.Stay at Queens,Stay at Waiks.Stay at tourist beaches.I got told before…”No come 3rd dip.You not ready.” When I was a 12 yo kid.If I understood…Why all you Costco surfers trippin.This happens at every local beach in the world.If you got slapped.You probably deserved it.And if this kills your vibe…Safer beaches down the road. 

Hate to say this but Braddah got warned multiple times. You can’t just sit in the pocket when the sets come rolling in. Pa’i pa’i lima time

For those of you who don’t know, it’s not about being a visitor or local. It’s about respect in the lineup and not being disrespectful to anyone. It usually stems from someone disrespecting the rules of surfing which often creates a dangerous scenario. If you disrespect you get regulated. Good to see there’s still other regulators out there watching out for everyone and their safety.

vs

I wouldn’t hit anyone over surfing. It just kills the vibe I’m trying to achieve.

I don’t care where you’re from, you do NOT put hands someone else. Basic toddler lessons.

Don’t give a fuck what the kid did before… zero reason to throw hands over surfing… it’s just silly, especially when it looks like a teenager at best. Worst case he damaged your board and that doesn’t appear to be the case when the slapped turned around like he was going back out. Kid was clearly getting out of the water so whatever the problem was before, be that the kid didn’t show respect or dropped in on someone, it doesn’t matter… he was leaving so the problem was solved. And that stands even if the kid is family- treating them like that only gives them the ok to treat others like that which isn’t ok. That was assault, pure and simple. Last time I checked there were no laws governing who gets to go when on what wave aside from law of the jungle but there are real laws on putting your hands on other people. Grow up and control your emotions…

Where do stand on the spectrum?

Okay to start a surf fight and loose hands?

Or assault etc?

And is it ever okay to bring the cops into the mix after a surf fight?

Also, more compelling surf fight footage, here, here, here, here and here.

Greta Thunberg (left) wondering how she got environmentalism so wrong.
Greta Thunberg (left) wondering how she got environmentalism so wrong.

Greta Thunberg left gobsmacked as World Surf League releases annual “Purpose & Impact Report!”

Chas Smith

By

"Two bushes, one world."

There is making a difference and then there is MAKING A DIFFERENCE and notable environmentalists from here to there, including the very famous Greta Thunberg, are reeling, today, as the World Surf League released its much-anticipated 2023 annual Purpose & Impact report.

Mic stinkin’ dropped.

You certainly know that the “Global Home of Professional Surfing” is forever pushing the envelope when it comes to saving this Global Home. Bushes planted etc. But even the most locked in surf fan couldn’t image the vast extent of the purpose nor impact.

Per the unverified claims of the World Surf League’s One Ocean initiative:

-45,374 hectares of land protected or restored, including the protection of surf ecosystems in Hawaiʻi, Australia and Brazil and long-term reforestation projects in Uruguay through the surf league’s carbon offset portfolio

-100,000 corals planted through efforts with Coral Gardeners

-2 tons of plastic removed through river intervention projects in Latin America

-1,635 volunteers engaged across all One Ocean activations

-3,041 youths educated on cultural and environmental stewardship

I would, personally, like to know how to get in on the  “surf league’s” carbon offset portfolio.

Why Uruguay?

Shut your gross polluting mouth.

Chris Hemsworth (pictured) being perfect. Photo: Instagram
Chris Hemsworth (pictured) being perfect. Photo: Instagram

Australian hunk Chris Hemsworth flashes muscles, fatherly pride during surf at Kelly Slater ultra-exclusive Middle East wave tank!

Chas Smith

By

Oh to have it all.

Oh to be rich, powerful, handsome, fit, adept, popular, healthy, connected, happy, loved, friends with Kelly Slater. In a word, or two, to be Chris Hemsworth. The Australian hunk seemingly has it all, the world on a string, and in the latest bit of unadulterated good fortune we see the star taking his talents to Abu Dhabi.

The United Arab Emirates second fiddle, as you certainly know, is home to Kelly Slater’s exciting, and ultra-exclusive, new surf tank. Clips have been dribbling out from the desert for a few weeks, now, but none outshines Hemsworth’s where perfection and fatherly pride collide.

“Watching my kids progress through the day until they were backhand tube riding better than the adults was all time,” the 40-year-old penned under his video presentation, thanking the aforementioned Kelly Slater and former CT surfer Mitch Crews along with the Abu Dhabi emirate. Leaving out the precious Pakistani slaves who received their portion of gratitude by getting to ride in a jail bus to and from the site during their fifteen hour shifts.

Hemsworth’s children, a daughter aged 11 and twin sons aged 9, certainly live a blessed life and do appear to be ripping, becoming barreled etc. whilst facing out as opposed to in.

Very cool and everyone was very impressed save Ann Wander who declared, “Go to La Union Philippines we have natural waves good for surfing.”

Ok.

Now, what do you think the more you see of Slater’s Abu Dhabi Surf Ranch? Would you trade your local for a poolside condominium plus one one hour session a week?

Be honest.

Thankfully, Chris Hemsworth will never have to choose. He’s rich. He can do both plus a New York pied-à-terre.

Suck it, Ann Wander.

British man suffers debilitating incurable disease after surfing country’s sewage-sotted waves

Chas Smith

By

"When Mr. Salter was in Egypt's land, let my people go..."

There are many troubles and travails in the life of surfer. Being cold, becoming frustrated at self and others, finding parking. Leaving a wetsuit drying outside and it raining, walking barefoot on rocks, losing the wax comb. Saltwater dripping out of nose onto computer keyboard, blowing the takeoff while the lineup is watching, etc.

None of these, though, are as troubling or travailing as the very sad case of Reuben Santer, a teacher who described surfing as his life. Mr. Santer, enjoyed the watery game so much that he moved to Devon, there on the pendulum’s westernmost tip and surfed and taught and surfed and taught until one bad day he developed a a nasty ringing in his ear. He went to the doctor and was told the problem was likely caused by surfing in sewage and to take a month long break.

He did, eventually felt better and swung again after the time was up though failed to notice signs warning of even more sewage. Out he went only to land back in the doctor’s office with even worse symptoms. “Extremely loud tinnitus, this time followed by an attack of rotational vertigo, deafness and vomiting.”

Ugh.

Things devolved from there as he writes in The Guardian:

My recovery began smoothly, but then it kept coming back, again and again. I was completely debilitated, never knowing when an attack would strike and forced to spend days in bed recovering from each episode. It lasted for months and I became scared to go out on my own in case I’d have an attack and not be able to get home. I spent months on the sofa and eventually lost my job.

A specialist eventually diagnosed me with Ménière’s disease: a chronic inner-ear condition with no known cure that causes progressive deafness, roaring tinnitus and loss of function of your balance organ leading to rotational vertigo. The doctor thought it could have been due to sewage but said it would be impossible to prove.

Now poor Mr. Santer is trying to hold gross polluters and politicians to account, imagining his story of woe will move them to act. Hope springs, I suppose, though, in my experience, gross polluters and politicians don’t really care about much except lining filthy pockets with fresh inner-ears.

Bastards.

Mick Fanning on the cover of CEO magazine and the 2015 Great White attack at Jeffreys Bay.
Mick Fanning almost in the jaws of a Great White shark at Jeffreys Bay in 2015 and, inset, Fanning the biz man on the cover of CEO magazine. | Photo: CEO magazine

Mick Fanning amasses $13 million fortune following crippling bout of depression and near-death encounter with Great White shark

Derek Rielly

By

So rich he can lift his delicate fingers in the air, click them like castanets and be handed anything he wants!

It will come as little surprise to regulars on this page that the proprietors have had no meaningful contact with the three-time world champion surfer Mick Fanning in a decade and a half.

(If you’ll recall, Chas Smith faithfully reported his encounter with Mick Fanning at a party in December 2009 to celebrate the Coolangatta surfer’s world title, the story Tales of a Fucking Jew, appearing in the January-February, 2010, issue.)

Therefore the immensity of his net worth, somewhere around thirteen million American dollars, and the revelation Fanning was so depressed he struggled to get out of bed following his premature retirement at the end of 2015 following his Great White encounter, a world title loss to Adriano de Souza, the death of his brother Peter and divorce from wife Karissa, comes as a terrific surprise.

At the Global Entrepreneurship Congress in Melbourne, Australia, Mick Fanning described the year as the worst of his life.

“By the end of that year, I felt like I had nothing left to give, but had no idea what I was going to do. My fun barrel was empty so I had to figure out ways to fill it back up,” Mick Fanning told the annual four-day gathering of investors, startup founders, investors and general sorts of biz people.

“I tried some things that were outside my comfort zone, and hoped I’d find myself again. That feeling of being uncomfortable helped me learn a lot about who I was and what I could pour into my fun tank.”

First, Fanning co-founded a craft brewery with some pals and called it Balter. Two years later, seven hundred venues were slinging it at their patrons and a year after that Carlton & United Breweries gave ’em US$128 million for the brand, Fanning pocketing a sweet two-and-a-half mill.

“It helped me think about my ‘afterlife’, when I’d no longer be competing. It wasn’t easy because surfing was everything, and the ocean had always been my healing place. But stepping back for those few months had let me think about the fact I was getting older, and realize that I wouldn’t lose my entire identity when I was no longer on the tour,” Mick Fanning told CEO magazine.

“It also made it easier to finally quit because I could see there were still fun things to do in the corporate world and lots for me to learn.”

And still the money kept rolling in. He is now so rich can lift his delicate fingers in the air, click them like castanets and be handed anything he wants!

Rip Curl signed Fanning to a ten-year deal, worth many millions, in 2019, Red Bull and Mercedes sling him cash and if you want to get Fanning to speak at your corporate event you ain’t getting change from a hundred gees.

Lately,

Mick Fanning has parlayed his cash into a wildly diverse series of businesses, including “ethical” dog food brand Scratch, biotech company Sea Forest, a burger chain Fritzenberger, a Byron Bay yoga studio as well as myriad forays into the real estate game.

“My advice to an entrepreneur starting out is to find people you really trust and admire, and ask them a million questions. Then just go for it and believe in yourself. There’s always going to be someone saying you can’t do it, that it won’t work, but if you have belief you can make things happen,” says Fanning.

Photo: Jack English
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