"This watch was on your Daddy's wrist when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a Vietnamese prison camp..."

Early last year, though it seems like an eternity ago, the World Surf League breathlessly introduced the Apple Watch as “the official wearable of the WSL.” Championship Tour surfers would strap bright mini computers to their wrists and use them to know who had priority in a given heat instead of looking back at that pesky shore.

“The unique capabilities, ease of use, and incredible water resistance of Apple Watch make it the ideal solution to support our surfers competing in the extreme conditions of our worldwide tour,” the now disgraced WSL CEO Erik Logan said at the time. “Surfers need critical information while they compete, and the WSL Surfer app we’ve developed for Apple Watch provides real-time data that will help the communication flow from the WSL Scoring System to the competitors in the water. We are so excited to roll this out and enable our Championship Tour athletes to focus on their performance and improve competition throughout the 2023 season.”

No telling what happened to the partnership. Much like Jeep, Barefoot Wine and Box to Box Films it was vanished, I think, without reason but those initial heady days were filled with glitch. Caio Ibelli almost missed his call because his Apple Watch “didn’t tell time.”

Italian heartthrob Leonardo Fioravanti went one further declaring in a post-heat interview, “I just wanna say, our freaking watches weren’t working and that’s pretty heavy. My watch wasn’t working. And nothing to take away from Apple or WSL. I mean, what they’re doing is great, trying to bring in some technology into our world. But if my watch doesn’t work from start to finish and I gotta ask for time, like, I’ve been used to having the time on me at all times in heats. And we’re fighting for our careers so I hope they figure it out because my watch didn’t work from start to finish. So that’s pretty heavy.”

Pretty heavy indeed with the tech giant’s reputation greatly tarnished in the surf world.

Though surfers, like most, love a redemption story and, here, we have it for days ago the smeared Apple Watch saved a surfers life. The New York Post is reporting Australian Rick Shearman, 49, was out in the waves when he suddenly became distressed out near Byron Bay. The currents were sucking straight out and Shearman… oh he was bodysurfing, so I guess not actually surfing, but, then he remembered he was wearing an Apple Watch and here he picks up the story.

“At this point, I was a long way out to sea, I was being buffeted by wind and big swells, it was actually quite difficult to utilize [the watch]. I had to hold it up to my ear to hear what was going on and speak to the respondent.”

It worked!

Rescuers came and pulled him to shore and Barefoot Wine bottles were popped in celebration. “If it wasn’t for being able to access that service in my watch I’d probably be bobbing out somewhere in international waters by now,” Shearman stated.

Leonardo Fioravanti yet to respond for comment.

"Any surfer who is evolved is going to end up foiling..."

Is there any surfer worth more salt than Laird Hamilton? I dare you to find me one. King Triton has made a home in the sea, riding a variety of crafts along the way from ski boot tow boards, Oxbow longboards, windsurfboards, mid-lengths, stand-up paddleboards and foils.

Of the latter, the surf deity just made the brazen, even controversial, claim that it is the “highest evolution of surfing.”

In a to-camera bit interlaced with moving images of the demigod riding swell on a foil, Hamilton continues, “Any surfer who is evolved is going to end up foiling. If you don’t than you’re stagnating. Because there are only two things happening in life. You are either going down or you are going up. So choose one.”

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Well?

What do you think about that?

I don’t know if I back the zero sum “either going up or going down” bit of this. I like to think of life as a long plateau where you reach stasis, sit back with a little serving of foie gras, a healthy pour of chilled Sancerre and gaze into the middle distance for a few decades, at the very least.

Yes, it’s a good life on the continent and I would like to challenge Hamilton to a lifestyle duel. It will be like John Henry versus the machine. In this version, Laird is the machine and I am John Henry. He is out there cold plunging, pool training and foiling. I’m sitting in the sun at a Parisien sidewalk bistro (2nd, 4th or 6th arr.) asking for one more healthy pour of chill Sancerre while actively helping others quitting surfing.

Who is more evolved now?

More as the story develops.

Bud Light, meanwhile, continues staggering fall.

When one thinks of Kelly Slater, the 11x world surf champion, him liking and/or drinking beer is not the first thing that pops to mind. The 54-year-old has been public about his dislike of strong drink. The great surf scribe Jamie Brisick even went so far as to call him “dangerously sober.”

Slater openly states that his position initially came from his mother, who, “…was like, ‘Look around you.’ She said, ‘I’ll be surprised if you ever see anyone who’s successful who’s an alcoholic or does drugs. It just doesn’t lead anywhere good. Put your energy into what you love.’” That stuck in Slater’s head and he’s lived his life sober. The equation is easy. If you think drugs and alcohol are going to help you get better at what you do, good luck… but it’s not going to happen.”

You can imagine, then, the shock when, six years ago, the father of almost two made a very public statement that he, in fact, likes beer. Slater can be seen paddling into the horizon with a bevy of others crooning “roll out the barrel and lend me your ears…”

Well, that beer he likes, Michelob Ultra, has slungshot off that endorsement all the way into the second most popular in the United States of America, leapfrogging the still-staggering Bud Light.

You will recall, the buzzsaw Bud Light waltzed into almost one year ago by putting the face of trans darling Dylan Mulvaney on a can which led to Kid Rock shooting up a case of suds which led to a boycott etc.

These being the culture war days of our lives.

Bud Light, in any case, is enjoyed 6.5% of the American public, Slater’s Michelob Ultra sipped by 7.3% and Mexico’s Modelo slugged the most, a whopping 9.7%.

But do you think that Rip Curl is sweating the tumble? You will also remember when the Australian wetsuit brand came under fire for celebrating trans surfer Sasha Jane Lowerson though very quickly erasing the support then apologizing. Breaths certainly being held in Torquay.

Slater, anyhow, never controversial.

A rocket to riches.