Johnny Depp pays tribute to Tamayo Perry
Johnny Depp pays tribute to Pirates co-star Tamayo Perry.

Johnny Depp honours Hawaiian surfer Tamayo Perry, killed by shark

"I remember Tamayo Perry well. A lovely man, with a huge heart and zest for life…"

The American actor Johnny Depp, star of Pirates of the Caribbean and, more recently, a lengthy libel case against his one-time gal Amber Heard, has paid tribute to his former co-star Tamayo Perry, who was killed by a shark one month ago.

“Hard-charging, god-fearing Pipe specialist” Tamayo Perry was attacked by a Tiger shark while surfing solo near Goat Island in Kahuku.

First responders were called after a body was found with bite wounds near the notoriously sharky surf spot.

“Even though it was some years ago now, I remember Tamayo well. A lovely man, with a huge heart and zest for life… Emilia, I send you all my love and strength. You are in my thoughts,” wrote Depp.

Johnny Depp tribute to Tamyao Perry
Johnny Depp tribute to Tamayo Perry.

Tamayo Perry, as you know, was a staple of magazines and films around the turn of the century, was always a stand-out at Pipe, obvs, and was famous for taking off on any damn thing that blackened the horizon at Teahupoo, a fifth at the Billabong Pro evidence, as if it was necessary, of his bona fides there.

Johnny Depp, meanwhile, is a man able to harness public support even at his lowest ebb, accused of being a gal-beater.

As the wonderfully droll Theodore Dalrymple wrote at the time of the libel trial:

“I found it surprising, and somewhat dispiriting, that anybody could be so enthusiastic as this about a man who, whatever his real character might be, appears to exude degeneracy.”

In the same story, Dalrymple included a text sent by Depp, warning readers,

“As it is in the public domain—you can read the judgment online—I reproduce it here in full, with a trigger warning about its deep unpleasantness. Those who are very sensitive to vileness should avert their eyes to the following paragraph…This is not an expletive that escaped a man under the influence of a sudden access of emotion; it is the outpouring of a mind that makes the average sewer seem like a mountain stream. A man who could even think this, let alone see fit to immortalize it in a written message, has, in the phrase libel lawyers use, ‘no reputation to lose.'”

She’s begging for total global humiliation. She’s gonna get it. I’m gonna need your texts about San Francisco brother … I’m even sorry to ask … But she sucked Mollusk’s [I assume a reference to Elon Musk] crooked dick and he gave her some shitty lawyers … I have no mercy, no fear and not an ounce of emotion or what I once thought was love for this gold digging, low level, dime a dozen, mushy, pointless dangling overused flappy fish market … I’m so fucking happy she wants to fight this out!!! She will hit the wall hard!!! And I cannot wait to have this waste of a cum guzzler out of my life!!! I met fucking sublime little Russian here … Which makes me realize the time I blew on that 50 cent stripper … I wouldn’t touch her with a goddam glove. I can only hope that karma kicks in and takes the gift of breath from her … Sorry man … But NOW I will stop at nothing!!! Let’s see if Mollusk has a pair … Come see me face to face … I’ll show him things he’s never seen before … Like the other side of his dick when I slice it off.

Epic texting!

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Bethany Hamilton, anti-Olympics
Bethany Hamilton, anti-T Girls and anti-Olympics.

Lightning rod surfer Bethany Hamilton lashes Olympics as a “clown show”

“Following the Olympics IG is so cringe…”

One day after the wildest day of surf competition since Slater and John John went head to head at Teahupoo in 2014, the lighting rod surfer Bethany Hamilton has lashed the Olympics as a “clown show.”

Hamilton, you’ll certainly remember, opened a Pandora’s Box one year ago when she recorded a piece to camera damning the WSL’s decision to let T-Girls compete in the gal’s div at the highest level.

The thirty-four-year-old mammy of four who lost her arm in a shark attack in 2003, said she was speaking for tour surfers who felt muzzled and agreed with Kelly Slater who called for a trans-only div and added she’d boycott events if it went ahead.

Hamilton also issued a chilling prophecy, predicting Third World men would “suppress hormones” so they could get rich competing against women.

Now, and in a response to an Instagram post by three-time longboard champion Joel Tudor, Hamilton has lashed out at the Olympics telling surf fans, “The athletes are incredible and the rest is a clown show in my mind. Following the Olympic IG is so cringe!”

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Joel Tudor (@joeljitsu)

Followers of Joel Tudor, who is a black belt in Brazilian jiujitsu as well as a surf champion, mostly agreed with Hamilton’s posit.

Opening satanic ritual ceremony keeps grooming and pushing trans on kids trying to normalize peedophilia

Take away their leashes / learner devices and no jet ski rescue make them swim if they fall and show some water skill. Only then might be able to be considered an Olympic sport.

Every time a surfing heat occurs in the Olympics, a new kook gets their wings.

Absolutely. They are using the these to forward their agenda. Using the athletes!! Because they think we won’t push back. How João had to remove his painting about Jesus off his boards because they ‘don’t want to push ideologies’ yet have drag queens make a complete mockery of the last supper, demonic imagery and performers and the white horseman as part of their opening. Clearly agenda.

A light pushback here.

With respect, what was bad about the surfing event yesterday? Aside from the short rides on chopes – It was fantastic. A clown show? Come on.

Funny how people that badmouth surfing in the Olympic Games are the people who aren’t in it – you don’t hear from anyone actually surfing how badly the judging tower sucks or how much they miss being an “outlaw”, surfing alone while high on weed – funny that.

I’ve adored every second, even when the lawyers started circling and our website was brought to its knees.

How can you not?

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Medina walking on air. Photo: Jérôme Brouillet/Instagram
Medina walking on air. Photo: Jérôme Brouillet/Instagram

Surfing rules Olympics as viral Gabriel Medina photo becomes “image of the Games!”

"It’s not really a surf photograph so it captures the attention of more people.”

Surfing’s initial Olympic offering, after being included in the 2021 nee 2020 Tokyo Games, was, and always would have been silly (save a wild typhoon). Japan, for all its magic, is not a known wave banger. And, so, surf fans and surfers alike were thrilled when Paris announced it would contest its 2024 Olympics 10,000 miles away from the City of Love all the way at Tahiti’s End of the Road.

Teahupo’o.

As soon it was announced, surf fans were both thrilled but worried. Would Head Place turn on or would nature not cooperate thus creating another li’l flippy few days of mediocre surf absolutely non-understandable to the family watching in Dubuque.

A suspect forecast leading up to the waiting period had the aforementioned (surf fans, not Dubuque family) maybe sad.

But nature is an unpredictable beast and roared to life creating one of the best days of competitive surfing in memory/history.

Thus birthing “the image of the Games.”

The Frenchman Jérôme Brouillet, who has called Tahiti home for the past li’l while took the image off a boat in the channel declared, “So he [Medina] is at the back of the wave and I can’t see him and then he pops up and I took four pictures and one of them was this one. It was not hard to take the picture. It was more about anticipating the moment and where Gabriel will kick off the wave.”

As a true surfer, added, “It’s very cool, it’s a nice shot and lots of people love it. It’s not really a surf photograph so it captures the attention of more people.”

Knowing, very well, that our Pastime of Kings is an acquired taste.

Bravo, anyhow, to Medina who absolutely deserves to be the face of these Olympics and Brouillet who made art.

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Chairman Cox (insert) and his happy cultural revolutionaries.
Chairman Cox (insert) and his happy cultural revolutionaries.

Discount-minded surfers shriek as Hayden Cox surfboards sell $35 a pop* on mega-marketplace Alibaba!

A second cultural revolution on the way?

The biggest surprise of these Teahupo’o Olympics, aside from Filipe Toledo’s masterful 9.67, is China’s Siqi Yang. The pint-sized former wrestler, who hails from China, had never surfed Teahupo’o before her Olympic debut and the prudent thing would have been to doubt, Yang fearlessly sent it, cementing her place as the hero of her nation and possible the entire Games.

JP Currie wrote Yang attacked Teahupo’o’s “critical four-foot walls with a backhand that belongs at the highest level of women’s surfing, and certainly leagues ahead of two-time world champion, Tyler Wright.”

High praise from one of our world’s most important critics.

It would come as zero surprise if Yang’s epic show ignited a surfing passion amongst China’s billion-plus population. The biggest boom ever and one man, “the world’s most beautiful surfboard shaper,” will be there for the moment.

Cox, of course, burst onto the scene with his Hypto-Krypto model described by Derek Rielly as “a spruced-up seventies style design that was more fun that the vigorous operation of your sex glands,” and likely the biggest-selling surfboard model in the world.

Small ‘taters, though, with his new soft tops being offered on Alibaba, China’s Amazon, for $70 each or, $35 each when 100 are dropped into the basket.

Discount-minded surfers shrieking.

The accompanying video features a factory buzzing with workers glassing, finishing, etc. while an overseer in a mask makes sure they keep on task.

Dimensions are not given. There is one type of product listed as “surfboard” but 100 “surfboards” at $35 each should not be looked at in the mouth.

A second cultural revolution over China’s horizon?

Hayden Cox the new Chairman Mao?

Exciting days.

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João Chianca at Teahupoo, day three, Olympics
João Chianca fought a brutal hand-to-hand battle with Ramzi in which they traded nearly non-stop barrels. It was up there with one of the best heats I’ve watched lately — and maybe ever. | Photo: ISA/Tim McKenna

João Chianca’s return from horrifying injury to win at massive Teahupoo is a near-perfect Olympic story!

If his story doesn’t make something under your breastbone feel a little warm, I’m not sure you have anything in there.

I am a bad surf journalisming.

On the first day of the Olympics, I drove the 405, because I am a Californian and that’s what we do. I did not watch surfing on the opening day. As I traversed the 5, the 73, the 405, the 10, the 1, and the 101, updates from friends hopscotched the cell phone towers. Once in a while, I sneaked a look. Mostly, I didn’t know what was happening and I felt fine — as fine as a girl can feel on the 405 and all the other freeways.

Driving in the summer in Southern California is an adventure, and not in a good way. Every time I get in the car, it feels like paddling out on the most crowded day I’ve ever surfed. There’s always that one guy. Parking is about as likely as scoring a set wave during a Surfline Swell at Trestles. I’m desperately trying to focus on doing the thing — catching a wave, or driving the car — while fighting against becoming the worst version of myself. I’m just an idiot surrounded by a sea of other idiots.

Last Tuesday I surfed tiny Swamis, mostly just to savor the absurdly warm ocean temperatures. I got lucky and scored a parking place not that far away at all. I wore a bikini which felt delightfully breezy after so much time in rubber. Two long-timers paddled around, happy to be there. How’s it going, bro? Oh, you know, living the dream!

On Saturday I was in San Clemente at Sur Coffee — they have a delightful elderberry hibiscus iced tea — when I messaged my friend to ask if Caroline won her heat. Parked on the 405, I eventually saw the answer. Caroline won — and by the end of the day, she had the highest heat score of the opening round.

That was right around the time that a friendly dude tried to tell me that the hood on my rental car was not securely latched. Now, you would think that a modern car with every convenience would tell me this very important thing. It did not. Also, it is very hard to understand a helpful dude while driving in traffic on the 405. Only once I went much faster did I see my hood begin to levitate. This seemed bad, actually.

I pulled over to the slim excuse for a shoulder and punched the hazards. Crawling through the car, I exited on the passenger side. I smashed that hood down. But it didn’t stay! This also seemed bad. I smashed it again! Then it stayed. It just needed some extra convincing. I crawled back through the car, merged into traffic, and continued on my way. Thanks, helpful 405 dude!

In Malibu, I saw four bros packed into a GTI with a Sex Wax air freshener hanging from the rearview and four boards stacked on the roof. The whole setup looked like a clown car, what with the bros, the giant boards, and the tiny car. Living their best life! Bro Summer is here, baby!

At the Malibu Blue Bottle, where a crazy lady had locked herself in the bathroom, I learned that Caity won her heat, too.

On the second day of the Olympics, well, you can see how this whole thing was going. You’d think that the next day, being home and no longer on the 405 — which, at a certain point, I began to think that maybe the 405 was going to become my home — I would in fact, watch the Olympics. But, I did not.

Blame the fleas. Living on the coast in California is great. Really, it is. But occasionally, there are some minor threats to the tranquility of the whole situation. Eventually, inevitably, there will be fleas. And you know what? I hate those little assholes. Burn me on a good wave on your stupid Wavestorm and I will still hate you less than I hate fleas. But fleas, we had them.

Between vacuuming the couch and combing the cats, I dropped into the Olympics livestream. The waves looked bad. Also, I had fleas to kill. So, I did not watch the second day of the Olympics. My cats were very happy about this life choice.

I do know that Molly lost to Johanne and it didn’t seem right that they met in the second round. Eventually, the gaps in performance levels on the women’s side should narrow, and the double-CT heats won’t stand out quite so much. At least, I hope that’s what happens. For now, the draw is weirdly lopsided. Caity meets Tati in round 3, for instance. I don’t love it.

On the third day of the Olympics, I watched the surfing out of one eye, while I tried to finish a story on deadline with the other eye. This was not an easy task. Do not try this at home. I am a trained professional. At something. My editor wanted his copy. Teahupoo was firing.

I stopped writing long enough to watch Kauli dispatch Griff. It’s a tough loss for Griff, but it’s hard not to be happy to see the local boy advance. I skipped some heats to finish my story. It’s hard to be responsible.

But the men fucking sent it today. João’s return from his horrifying injury at Pipe to win his heat in massive Teahupoo caverns is a near-perfect sports story. If his story doesn’t make something under your breastbone feel a little warm, I’m not sure you have anything in there. He fought a brutal hand-to-hand battle with Ramzi in which they traded nearly non-stop barrels. It was up there with one of the best heats I’ve watched lately — and maybe ever.

After that no-holds barred fight, the much-anticipated John-Jack heat felt anti-climactic. The wind began to hit it, and both of them got smoked on their opening waves. The swell lulled out. Jack managed to put it back together and get the scores. Inside three minutes to go, John pulled into deep one, but it was too little, too late. Jack advanced, and both Americans are out.

If João’s heat was one of the best I’ve seen, I’m pretty sure the final heat of the day was one of the scariest. The wind whipped through the lineup and turned it to chaos. Ethan and Connor surfed like they believed in immortality. Watching Connor cartwheel down the face, I wasn’t sure he was going to come back up. Ethan won it in a ballsy as fuck performance. If you were thinking he’s just a pretty face with stylish turns, guess again. They played for keeps.

The men’s quarterfinal draw is hilarious, really. Alonso Correa and Inaba Reo open the party. Then it gets silly, and I’m beginning to think ISA needs a rule against seeding surfers from the same country against one another. Kauli and Joan, Gabe and João, and Jack and Ethan all meet in the quarters. Two Australians enter, only one can leave. You get the idea.

Next call is tomorrow morning, and women’s round 3 could be next. Caity and Tati meet in heat 6, and it should be straight fire if it runs in good waves. Looking at the seeding, I’d expect most of the CT girls to advance, though there’s always the possibility for surprises. I do like surprises.

Unless they’re fleas. Fuck fleas.

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