Raimana Van Bastolaer saves boy at Surf Ranch.
Raimana untangles boy from leash and gifts him the joy of solo wave riding at Surf Ranch.

Cindy Crawford’s gorgeous Tahitian surf coach saves child strangled by legrope and teaches him to surf on one wave!

Only days after being feted by Kim Kardashian and Ivanka Trump, Raimana Van Bastolaer saves a child being strangled by his own legrope!

The world stood still three years ago, you’ll remember, when the eighties supermodel Cindy Crawford described Surf Ranch’s longstanding in situ surf coach Raimana Van Bastolaer, as the human equivalent of Viagra, telling her millions of followers,

“I call him the big blue pill. He can get anyone up. Even me!”

A roll call of celebs, including NY designer Donna Karan, supermodels Carolyn Murphy and Christine Brinkley, joined in in the comments, thrilling to the ride and to human hard-on Raimana Van Bastolaer.

Viagra is a medication used to make even the friendliest pink cock a fire engine red and tending to purple, a mutant device able to tear a hole in the fabric of the universe.

Now, and only days after being feted by Kim Kardashian and Ivanka Trump, Raimana, who is forty-nine although his timeless island beauty means he could pass for twenty-five, has released a reel where, oh, it’s almost to complicated to explain.

But, here’s the gist.

A little boy becomes tangled up in his legrope following a collision with another surfer at Surf Ranch. Raimana, who was raised by his grandparents at a black sand beachbreak north of Teahupoo but who would soon become known for taming that famous wave’s wildest swells, is able to not only save the boy from strangulation, but retrieve the kid, his board, unravel him from his legrope, get him back on his surfboard, steady the kid until he’s able to stand and then…well… you try and stop from hooting and weeping.

At last play. an extraordinary 6,000 people had passed comment on the reel.

“That one act could completely change the perception that this young ripper has on wave riding,” writes bodyboarding and bodysurfing god Mike Stewart

The famous jiujitsu expert Renee Gracie writes simply, “GOAT.”

 

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A post shared by Raimana Van Bastolaer (@raimanaworld)

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Police on beach. Photo: Police Academy 4
Police on beach. Photo: Police Academy 4

New Jersey police triple down on bad press as cop runs over woman sunbathing on beach

"People were just screaming, ''You hit somebody! Somebody's under your truck! Stop''!'"

The New Jersey police are having one heck of a time as summer turns to autumn and Starbucks aficionados smack their gums in anticipation of pumpkin spice flavored fatty beverages. First, a surfer was violently thrown to the sand and arrested for failing to immediately produce his pedigree. Then, a second surfer peacefully protesting on the high tide line was also arrested for being a hippie. The twin actions so odious that surf great Kelly Slater and former The Inertia darling Tulsi Gabbard swung into the fray.

The 11x world champion asking, “What do you guys think about having to pay to go on the beach NJ? This should be criminal. I expected this to have been struck down years ago I saw a guy getting arrested on Instagram the other day for not having his pass.” Freshly-minted Trump surrogate Gabbard adding, “The thing about New Jersey that I couldn’t swallow is, I think it’s principally wrong to charge people to go to the beach. The ocean belongs to everyone. I couldn’t stomach paying money to go and jump in the ocean.”

Well, things just got a lot worse for New Jersey law enforcement overnight after an officer ran over a woman sunbathing on the sand, maybe even daring watch some surfers catch a little dribble.

A witness at Wildwood Beach told local news that a police Ford F-150 was cruising past when “People were just screaming, ”You hit somebody! Somebody’s under your truck! Stop”!'”

Thankfully, the officer did stop and bystanders jumped into action, lifting the front of the truck off the woman who was then rushed to the hospital where she was diagnosed with broken ribs and vertebrae plus lung issues but is expected to survive.

I was at the beach the other day and saw a lifeguard almost get her truck stuck in a sand hole dug by sneering four year olds. Not exactly the same but what I got.

You?

Anything to add?

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Fear of Great White attack on world champ hopefuls clouds WSL Finals Day in California

"The World Surf League’s Final’s Day a whole new shade of awful."

For the fourth consecutive year, surfing’s world champions will be crowned at Lower Trestles in a one-day “pressure cooker” shootout and, if current surf forecasts hold, it’ll happen on day one, Friday, September 6. 

Pocket rocket Filipe Toledo has won the men’s for the past two years running, ain’t nobody was ever getting past that little dynamo who is electric in waves one-feet and under, a fountain of shards and sparks, and fellow Brazilian Gabriel Medina the year before that. 

This year the gate has opened for tour leader John John Florence to win his third world title, although he’ll either have to beat Australian Jack Robinson, a boy with deltoids that invite crushes from excited men, local queen Griffin Colapinto, also correctly described as the Gandhi of Surfing, Ethan Ewing, known for his “overwhelming ass” and 2019 world champ Italo Ferreira.

In the girls, Caity or Molly gonna win.

But there lingers a shadow over the event. Southern California’s exploding Great White population and innumerable sightings of Great Whites at Lower Trestles means there exists the real possibility a world title hopeful might be snatched by one of the fish on the WSL’s lightly viewed livestream.

Three years ago, a breaching Great White forced the temporary suspension of Finals Day at Lowers.

As reported back in May, pundits predicated a Summer of Blood for South Californian surfers this year after Long Beach State University’s renowned Shark Lab was forced to shutter its shark monitoring program due to a lack of funding.

As surf journalist Chas Smith reported, 

The program has been running since 2018 and is considered one of the most advanced in the world. It utilizes a “high-tech system of receivers, buoys and underwater monitors that allow them to track and tag sharks in real time.”

An instant notification of  juvenile Great Whites swimming around with bibs and hungry eyes can be sent directly to lifeguards to help keep surfers uneaten.

But, after June, no longer.

July and August soaked in blood.

September probably too.

The World Surf League’s Final’s Day a whole new shade of awful.

Prophetic? Tune in Friday (Saturday in Australia.)

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CyberTruck SUP (pictured) in action. Photo: YouTube
CyberTruck SUP (pictured) in action. Photo: YouTube

CyberTruck surfboard sells in Manhattan Beach for $2000!

Wild times.

Surfboards have been turned into controversial things, wall hangers, street signs, catwalk accessories, but none more controversial than a CyberTruck. Manhattan Beach’s Brad Jacobson took to Facebook Marketplace in order to announce, “I’m selling a custom CyberTurck surfboard which was built for me to use in one of my YouTube episodes. It’s not officially licensed by Tesla but is an actual surfboard. The upper shell was built using carbon fiber so it’s light but sturdy. It was surfed for my episode and it fits in my 4runner. Dimensions: 6’10 / 29.5.”

The craft was listed for $2000 United States dollars and sold in under 20 hours.

The aforementioned YouTube episode, released one month ago and climbing past 3,000 views, shows the craft is actually not a surfboard but rather a SUP.

Manhattan Beach, as you know, is home to SUP enthusiast and former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan. He was ruthlessly fired in a one word sentence whilst the tour was in Brazil last year. He has since embarked on an influencer career.

Do you think he is the happy new owner?

More importantly, what if you saw the CyberTruck SUP coming at you, one fine day, whilst you were out straddling your boring old high performance thruster? Would you good-naturedly chat up its pilot or sneer and angry sneer and yell something anti-Elon Musk?

What are your thoughts on the CyberTruck, specifically, and Tesla, in general?

Wild times.

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Malibu surfer (pictured) with high hopes. Photo: Malibu Surf
Malibu surfer (pictured) with high hopes. Photo: Malibu Surf

Malibu surfers paddle out at sickeningly flat First Point in hopes of Bella Hadid in nude bikini glimpse

Barbarian days.

It is officially September first, in Southern California, and the ocean is flat. It is generally good, this time of year, or getting good with summer crowds sent off and hemispheric storms pushing swell toward the Golden State’s bottom third.

Malibu’s iconic First Point currently a sickening 0 – 1 ft, and yet the sand is a’ bustle with surfers waxing boards, un-coiling leashes, pretending to gaze over the horizon, looking for “waves,” making surf talk with others pretending to gaze over the horizon looking for “waves.”

In truth, these derelicts are hoping to catch a glimpse of the Dutch-Palestinian supermodel Bella Hadid who has been prancing on the shore wearing what Page Six described as a “a skin-colored triangle top and matching side-tie bottom.”

Other sources characterized it as “nude.”

But do you recall the wayback times when surf competitions were accompanied by bikini contests?

Did you participate in that baldfaced sexism, standing in the audience with a cold Bud Light, hooting, whistling, drooling as teenaged girls trotted across stage for the viewing pleasure of boozed adult men?

Barbarian Days.

Hadid, in any case, was with friends, her cow poke boyfriend Adan Banuelos nowhere to be seen giving the aforementioned surfers some faint hope that they would be noticed. Alas, it appears they were not.

Happy Labor Day.

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