"We have identified a glitch in the Matrix!

Now, I do not play the fantasy surfer game but not out of spite or malice. No, I am simply too stupid to understand the rules. Surfvival League takes as much brain power as I can muster though I do understand that people play fantasy surfer and also like fantasy surfer.

The World Surf League accommodates, as I hear much talk about which “power surfer” to pick etc. from the booth, though this year, and in line with a burgeoning sadism, issued wildly different point totals across platforms thus throwing the whole works into chaos.

Taking to Instagram, the Froth Pro Tour commissioner declared, “I know you are all eager to know your final results from the FrothProTour season but we have identified a glitch in the Matrix! 4 it was brought to my attention that there were irregularities in the scores posted on the WSL fantasy surfing app. Upon a deep dive into the scores there are points variances in the WSL Finals Overall Leaderboard and the individual Finals Event point totals. In partnership with FrothProTour member Surfvival League we have gone directly to the WSL looking for answers.”

An exhibit was provided.

And though I wasn’t quick enough to screen grab another, it must be assumed that ulu_bear_surf_check has a different points total somewhere else.

Dirty dirty business.

Now, do you think the World Surf League takes pleasure in actively hurting its most passionate fans or do you think there’s also a masochistic flavor, the WSL enjoying the pain it gets from actively hurting its most passionate fans?

A sadomasochistic tango makes much sense when thought about.

Are you excited for the Abu Dhabi Pro?

Me too.

The Froth Pro Tour commish is, in any case, still waiting to hear back from the World Surf League Fantasy Desk but you will be updated as soon as any clarity is provided.

Shokran for your patience.

"Congrats, buddy!"

Kelly Slater won professional surfing’s greatest reward 11 times during a sparkling career that is still not, officially, over. His competitive prowess, heat knowledge, ability to conjure waves from the deep, sixth sense of how to mentally torment opponents are all the stuff of legend. He is considered by many to be the greatest professional surfer of all time. By some to be the greatest professional athlete of all time. And yet, the Boy from Cocoa Beach has an even greater skill than surfing professionally.

Throwing .

Slater’s double-edged venerations, his subtle references, or omissions, false retirement announcements, wave pool revels. etc. are so well-timed, so…. deliciously barbed as to be impossible to reproduce.

Yes, he is the 58-time Shade Master (because he’s 58-years-old), and just delivered newly-minted professional surf champion John John Florence one of his finest, most painfully stinging backhanded compliments.

Taking to Instagram, the father of a son with no name declared, “Huge congrats to John John Florence on his 3rd world title. Probably should have been his 4th or 5th but injuries have halted som behemoth performances a few years. Congrats, buddy!”

Don’t even try to compete under the pop up tent with Slater. His shade is so refined, so devastating yet buoyant as to be considered a martial art. The recipient of a Kelly Slater “compliment” left smiling and weeping at the same time.

Wow.

Ending with “buddy?”

Just wow.

"So lame the media (read: WSL) today doesn't do some homework before spitting info that's not correct."

Caitlin Simmers electrified the surf world, yesterday, by becoming the first Californian in over 30 years to win a surf championship. The Oceanside born and raised regular foot kicked the season off with a bang, many months ago, dropping the now-iconic line “Pipeline for the fucking girls” after a win at the North Shore gem. She ended on the highest of notes.

Her accomplishment garnered glowing comparisons to a 60-year-old man and much talk, in the booth, about how she was the youngest champion, ever, on the women’s side. The WSL crowing on its own website, “The pride of Oceanside, Simmers, brought California its first women’s World Title in 40 years and her maiden – becoming the youngest WSL Champion in history.”

Except she is not.

Surf champion Joel Tudor, taking to Instagram, was forced to set the record straight.

“Youngest female world champion in history!” the highly decorated jiujitsu master opened before continuing, “15 yr old Margo Oberg! Winning her first world title in 1968 at domes in Puerto Rico on a Mike Doyle shaped mini model …Margo would go on to win 4 more world titles that spanned from the longboard era into shortboarding making her the 3rd most winning lady champ behind Layne Beachley’s 7 and Steph Gilmore’s 8. Respect to fullness and hope to put some respect on your name and accomplishments! So lame the media today doesn’t do some homework before spitting info that’s not correct.”

The denigration of women’s history continues a troubling pattern for the World Surf League. Who could forget when the “global home of surfing” declared Hawaii’s Keala Kennelly to be the first openly gay professional surfer only to have to walk it back, later, when presented with the fact that it was Corey Schumacher. Or when the same World Surf League erased the aforementioned Kennelly’s perfect Teahupo’o 10, forcing the XXL surf icon to write, “I’m getting very tired of the media diminishing the surfing legacies of my generation (and other past generations) I recently had a history making accomplishment of mine completely erased and bestowed on someone else then spread all over the internet.”

What do you image the reason for such anti-women history in the league’s offices?

Simple sloppiness?

An underlying misogyny?

These mistakes don’t happen over and over and over again on the men’s side.

Well, here’s to Margot Oberg and hopefully the World Surf League issues an apology forthwith.