"Congrats, buddy!"

Kelly Slater won professional surfing’s greatest reward 11 times during a sparkling career that is still not, officially, over. His competitive prowess, heat knowledge, ability to conjure waves from the deep, sixth sense of how to mentally torment opponents are all the stuff of legend. He is considered by many to be the greatest professional surfer of all time. By some to be the greatest professional athlete of all time. And yet, the Boy from Cocoa Beach has an even greater skill than surfing professionally.

Throwing .

Slater’s double-edged venerations, his subtle references, or omissions, false retirement announcements, wave pool revels. etc. are so well-timed, so…. deliciously barbed as to be impossible to reproduce.

Yes, he is the 58-time Shade Master (because he’s 58-years-old), and just delivered newly-minted professional surf champion John John Florence one of his finest, most painfully stinging backhanded compliments.

Taking to Instagram, the father of a son with no name declared, “Huge congrats to John John Florence on his 3rd world title. Probably should have been his 4th or 5th but injuries have halted som behemoth performances a few years. Congrats, buddy!”

Don’t even try to compete under the pop up tent with Slater. His shade is so refined, so devastating yet buoyant as to be considered a martial art. The recipient of a Kelly Slater “compliment” left smiling and weeping at the same time.

Wow.

Ending with “buddy?”

Just wow.

"So lame the media (read: WSL) today doesn't do some homework before spitting info that's not correct."

Caitlin Simmers electrified the surf world, yesterday, by becoming the first Californian in over 30 years to win a surf championship. The Oceanside born and raised regular foot kicked the season off with a bang, many months ago, dropping the now-iconic line “Pipeline for the fucking girls” after a win at the North Shore gem. She ended on the highest of notes.

Her accomplishment garnered glowing comparisons to a 60-year-old man and much talk, in the booth, about how she was the youngest champion, ever, on the women’s side. The WSL crowing on its own website, “The pride of Oceanside, Simmers, brought California its first women’s World Title in 40 years and her maiden – becoming the youngest WSL Champion in history.”

Except she is not.

Surf champion Joel Tudor, taking to Instagram, was forced to set the record straight.

“Youngest female world champion in history!” the highly decorated jiujitsu master opened before continuing, “15 yr old Margo Oberg! Winning her first world title in 1968 at domes in Puerto Rico on a Mike Doyle shaped mini model …Margo would go on to win 4 more world titles that spanned from the longboard era into shortboarding making her the 3rd most winning lady champ behind Layne Beachley’s 7 and Steph Gilmore’s 8. Respect to fullness and hope to put some respect on your name and accomplishments! So lame the media today doesn’t do some homework before spitting info that’s not correct.”

The denigration of women’s history continues a troubling pattern for the World Surf League. Who could forget when the “global home of surfing” declared Hawaii’s Keala Kennelly to be the first openly gay professional surfer only to have to walk it back, later, when presented with the fact that it was Corey Schumacher. Or when the same World Surf League erased the aforementioned Kennelly’s perfect Teahupo’o 10, forcing the XXL surf icon to write, “I’m getting very tired of the media diminishing the surfing legacies of my generation (and other past generations) I recently had a history making accomplishment of mine completely erased and bestowed on someone else then spread all over the internet.”

What do you image the reason for such anti-women history in the league’s offices?

Simple sloppiness?

An underlying misogyny?

These mistakes don’t happen over and over and over again on the men’s side.

Well, here’s to Margot Oberg and hopefully the World Surf League issues an apology forthwith.

SHAME (barf).

Lower Trestles’ famed cobbled stones are still ringing with yesterday’s thrill. “Where were you on Sept. 6, 2024?” will certainly be the very first questions surf fans ask each other for generations to come. Unless named Kelly Slater or Filipe Toledo, the answer will certainly be “Watching Lexus Finals Day and open thread live chatting with friends.”

At the end John John Florence and Caitlin Simmers hoisted the championship cups, deserving after a year’s worth of quality work in all different conditions.

Both number one going in, both challenged, though, by upstarts seeking to spoil the entire World Surf League season. Caroline Marks pushing Simmers to the brink, taking it to a third round. Italo Ferreira bull raging from fifth to almost first.

Yes, Florence and Simmers deserved the tiaras though somewhere during the day, the judges absolutely lost their minds and started throwing completely bizarre scores that had surf fans baffled in the open thread live chat and Richard Lovett plus Jesse Mendes wildly confused in the booth.

None of it made any conceivable sense. Italo getting excellent marks for an accidental air. John going even better for a ride worse than his first.

The chaos, thus, infected the passionate Brazilian surf fan who, for once, had reason to believe a fix was in. Grieving at the end of the contest, he wept whilst walking up the Trestles path, Order and Progress flag sagging behind him. He wept arriving home, wife and children pestering with surf related questions. He wept over a piping hot bowl of feijoada.

And then he got angry.

Heading into his phone, he unleashed a flamethrower of passion across various World Surf League social media channels. Poop emojis, barf emojis, Brazilian flag emojis one after another after another.

Rage.

Pure undiluted rage.

I, for one, understand. I was rooting for Marks and Ferreira too but not for good and decent patriotic reasons. No, I wanted them to win because that’s how much I despise the World Surf League and victories by those two would surely have forced a reckoning.

Thanks a lot, judges.