I'm tired, boss. Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other…
I ain’t Freud. But it don’t take much to see that the two-time, and reigning, world champion John John Florence is wrapped in an intolerable existential crisis.
Last at Snapper to Mikey Wright. Second-last to the fanatically intense Zeke Lau at Bells. A long dick in the guts at Lemoore. Second-last to Jesse Mendes, Bali. Twenty-first in the world.
This morning’s official withdrawal from the Margaret River Reboot had the undercurrent of a drowning man who’d do anything to find a little air, to breathe.
The explanation had all the verve of a wise-ass kid telling his teacher the dog ate up his homework.
“I was holding my breath the minute he paddled out. I knew he was feeling jumpy. At one point I looked at him from the beach and gestured to take it easy!”
“Unfortunately I hurt my knee during a freesurf here in Bali, and I have to pull out of the next event to get back and heal up as quickly as possible. I was trying bottom turns in the yard last night to see if there is any way for me to possibly surf this event, but nothing about it felt right. Haha! I think it’s best I heal 100% before I get back in the water. When I was a little kid I watched my favorite surfers winning events and trying big airs and big maneuvers and dreamed of doing those things. I will never lose that. I’m excited for everything to come. I hope to come out of this injury smarter and more excited than I have ever been.”
His coach, Ross Williams, behaved in the manner of the loyal sidekick, punching this supporting explanation into his cell phone.
“I was holding my breath the minute he paddled out. I knew he was feeling jumpy. At one point I looked at him from the beach and gestured to take it easy! Haha. In my position it’s sketchy watching him surf like that cause I want him to be ready for the next comp, but you can’t tell someone like John to just surf safe.”
Gesturing on the beach to “take it easy”? Oh if this was a movie it would be too fantastic to believe.
Three weeks ago, I asked the question, What if: John John Florence quits the tour?
Is the kick from a contest win, a title, enough to keep Florence on the chain gang? To keep him in pressurised aluminium cylinders from Australia to Honolulu to Lemoore and now Rio, just so he can be pecked at and paddled ragged?
Two world titles, a house at Log Cabins big enough for whomever wants floor space, the boat that’s rattling at its anchor chain, dying for a Pacific crossing, a sponsor that might be persuaded that a series of John John Florence films might be a better return on their multi-million dollar investment than a series of forgettable WCT results offers a velvet-lined escape hatch.
Who needs who more? The WSL with John John or John John with the WSL?
In the meantime, let’s enjoy the wrenching moment where John John appears half-dead on a table (MRI?) while his coach taps plaintively on the glass, whispering, “John? John?”
“Nonetheless when one considers the work of Freud it seems to be entirely alien to the work of existentialists. Freud started out as a neuroscientist and when he created psychoanalysis he noted that he used his psychoanalytic concepts as placeholders to be replaced when neuroscience became more advanced. His analysis of things like parapraxes, and his use of free association all relied on his assumption of psychic determinism. His metapsychology was constructed using the model of the unconscious and conscious mind on the model of hydraulic pressure. All of this is a million miles away from the existentialist emphasis on freedom to choose and existential anxiety[1].” -Freud, Existentialism and The Philosophy of Mind
he was coked out of his mind!
and obsessed with having sex with his mother!
Yet, so much of our society is based on his ideas. It is no wonder that the world has become so much more absurd than it is naturally.
Pretty sure his “coffee mug” is a modified urine sample collector….
So many positives here. Jjf makes Margs look good. He’s going/gone. To the many that don’t get it and don’t want to surf it in comp, thank you. If you have never had a barrel on a 6ft plus wave at Margs and felt it expand time into a 4 plus second baz anywhere else , poor you.
It is a long way out to sea and a farcical location for a tennis tournament. It’s hard to see any reason to come back in the Wsl context . So just don’t.
It’s an experience wave. At its best it’s a 200 metre long ride that involves a long bottom turn and a cut back. That’s about it
Off topic. Just saw Julian Wilson on a Bundaberg Rum ad. Fuck this.
Fucken HELL you would think this is HISTORIC like everything else now wouldn’t you. World Champ Has Slump!! Astoundingly this has happened before, like to every world champion surfer in actual (read: not yesterday’s) history. And almost always for pretty much the same reasons. Shall I list the slumps and the recoveries? Shall I list the injuries and the surgeries and the returns to action and the subsequent wins?
Sorry. Just sometimes the utter retardation of all this just snaps me. If this is Theatre, I’m Samuel fucking Beckett.
If ya want to know what’s going on for JJF, ask the fucken guy. It’s not that hard.
We’re not all besties (or brothers) with the Famous Amos’ o’the Surf World.
Besides, this is more Hysterical than Historical.
I’m not doubting that he has indeed hurt his knee which is fucking awful for anyone. He probably isn’t really in any mood to talk to many people let alone the baying crowds.
BTW. What’s the worst surf-related injury you’ve had Nick, er I mean Samuel?
Broke my right ankle and both bones of the lower right leg being driven through my board on a freakish Rocky Rights Backdoor imitation. Also ruptured the syndesmosis sheath in the process (it holds the tibia and fibula together at the base). The ankle and tibia fractures had to be internally fixated and the syndesmosis separation was also pinned for three months (they let the fibula fracture heal naturally). I was in a cast for two months, no weight-bearing in that time. Talk about waiting for Godot.
I humbly bow to your history of fucking yourself up on a surfboard.
oh man there’s like 40 more where that came from
everyone you’ve ever heard of in surfing has been injured, a lot, and badly
Of course they have. So have I (well, not so badly surfing as skating), and you’ve never heard of me before.
I was just curious.
never got injured surfing… diabetes, hipertension though…
Short term short sighted news pays the bills now. The problem with being considerate is that it takes consideration, which takes time and care. By then the virus has passed, and nobody cares. What confuses most about this twisted mirror, that Derek and Chas stand behind, shifting and grinning, is what it says about them.
please, list…
Yeah, the “haha” definitely was weird.
When you come out i will here for you johnny john. I can coach you. We will fight injust8ces together. Oh we will croon together. https://youtu.be/izGwDsrQ1eQ
Have you listened to “Freedom” lately? How did the world not figure George out after hearing that one?
I listen to ftreedom every night! I heart george so much. You should see me perform george!
Amazing! (You and George both!)
I snapped my ACL at 27. Pretty much fucked my surfing and skating for life despite reconstructive surgery. Obvs I can do it, but not nearly to the same glorious intermediate standards.
mine done 19!!! fucked journey that one is and waiting for arthritis to set in
We really need to meet and trade war stories.
In fact there should be regional BG meetings where no one admits who they are just scowls and yells “kook” at each other from across the beach.
I do use my real name but I could wear a balaclava to hide my face!! My main surfing ambo pal just done his rotator cuff so he out for long time . happy to shame kooks somewhere in this region at some stage!!!
Come round a couple headlands and you can shout abuse at me. It never gets old.
you give me an approximation on your appearance and will happily shout abuse at you – just don’t want to abuse everyone I see as I am trying to mellow out these days
“…just don’t want to abuse everyone I see.”
What are you? Some sort of kook?
I’m a balding / shaven-headed 47 yo. ( kook) Shitty surfer (re-born kook) mostly always taking off in the wrong spot (kook) because I can’t get a read on Aussie beachies. (Kook)
Usually jabbering excuses to all who’ll listen. (Kook) I smile to people a lot (kook) but can’t see much without specs.
Look for the Kook. That’ll be me.
We’re going to see his best and most peoples best surfing outside of comps, so I don’t care. As soon as that shit is Facebook exclusive I won’t be watching, anyway.
did trump just disinvite jjf to whitehouse?
So Ross is back in the booth?
Question walking up the beach claiming a knee injury.. I blown a knee out and walking right after word was a challenge..
Hey Doc Wayan, here is $50, write me injury note.
And let me take photos in that big fancy science machine you got there to make it look like stage 4 cancer
If he quits the tour because of the wave pools and how kooky the people that run it are then good for him, he will always be remembered as a g. But if he quits because he can’t take losing heats, he loses a lot of respect in my eyes. And yea I know he could care less what people like me think.
I would think more the former than the latter. John John is bigger than contests in swimming pools, I would suggest…
Wow! Fuck. I didn’t realise!
Lemoore is 2,000 feet long and 500 feet wide, so JJF must be FRICKEN HUGE!
Why don’t any of these photos do him justice?
Oh wait, you mean metaphorically bigger… sorry.
ross’s bitch tits are bigger, and that ain’t metaphorical
its such a smart time to pull out.
obvious close out.
right before the facebook and wavepool trainwrecks.
the WSL has gone full retard.
he will be the last real champion.
the huge eddie at Waimea and two time world champ, 5 Pipe wins, 4 volcom one da hui, Sunset -triple crown etc.
Nothing left to prove. i hope he moves on to better things.
Kelly never won a contest a Sunset
Put together JJF’s performance this year, the hustle affair, the Mikey submission, the Ross post, this strange injury and finally this post by JJF himself and what you really get is the unmasking of a huge farce. The image created for him as the next golden kid who would dominate surfing for a decade. A lot of dough has been dropped on him for a loong time…so his quitting the tour will not be an easy move. I always though he was unworthy of his first and second world titles and certainly he cannot compete at the top level now. So going back to video parts is a natural move. Finally, it’s hard to conceal his sexual orientation when he is surrounded by people 24/7/365). godspeed JJ, it was a good run. RIP.
Which is worse, “I love the drive to win you get from a loss” or the awkward “Haha!” sitting by itself? The whole post is one giant cringe…
Of Mice and Men?
American metalcore at it’s finest!
Regardless of whether I agree or not, Idid have their ex-guitar player for an Uber driver once.
A man’s gotta pay his bills.
Oh he got five stars from me!
Fear not! The Dust Bowl Pro is coming!
In the lakes of wrath.
..gang oft a gley, and leave us not but sorrow for want of promised joy.
It’s of that ilk but definitely not that. Let me know if you find out because I’m curious, too! I suppose I could Google it but that’s just boring.
Green Mile.
That film made me greet like a wean
Hey D, tell Kai Neville to get his camera out of the storage unit and send John John a gift basket.
What would you include in the gift basket?
One bland card. Not nearly nor vaguely recognizable as a get well card. Just says the following:
Beach Grit rips John John + Beach Grit rips Lemoore + Beach Grit rips Bells Brazilian Waxed You Know Uluwatu You Know You Wa To + Beach Grit rips Sophie G + Beach Grit rips Beth (hey! It’s the 1930’s! We’d like our crummy gal names back!) G + Greg Pfeifer + Laird. (was that period redundant?) Hamilton Theatre + Kook Gate Theatre =
= Cocaine + Surfing A Love Story + Sophie G Has the Hots for Chas + Sophie G Can Order Bethie G to Tease Chas + Confirms Sophie G Likes Chas More Than Ashton
Mason Ho and some fancy dress costumes
A bottle of Japanese Whiskey, some nice cookies, and a get well soon card, all artfully arranged around an iPad playing Dear Suburbia on a constant loop.
Don’t bury the real story. Without a John the Doublist to coach, a distraught but almost relieved Ross takes aim and fires barbs at Jordy’s coach.
“but you can’t tell someone like John to just surf safe.”