Step 3: Give an interview to Chas Smith!
Into every surfer life a little kook must fall. It is a stone-cold fact. An irrefutable component of this odd dance we do. There are, first, the myriad rules, sub-rules, sub-sub-rules and shifting rules. There is, second, the impossibility of the act itself. There are, third, surfers involved in most things related to surfing and surfers are known assholes. So, yesterday’s introduction of the World Surf League’s relatively new fourth in command, Chief Commercial Officer Beth Greves, was wonderfully fun though I imagine the League thought otherwise.
Ms. Greves is highly qualified and very skilled, with Adweek naming her a “purveyor of cool” in the teen space and there she appeared on the universally adored @kook_of_the_day with her fins of her longer surfboard in backwards. I reached directly out to the WSL and begged for an interview, knowing that I could make this a star moment, that she would become a hero, though was rebuffed. Turned away. Left out in the cold.
Still, I am here to help and so will give my services for how to handle this crisis free of charge!
Step 1: Be horrified with yourself!
It is important, when caught being a kook, that the offender let the moment sink in fully. An attitude of “everyone makes mistakes” or “who cares?” will go nowhere. Nowhere at all. The offender must stare at the ugly image, the fins backward, the scarecrow jive down a perfect Surf Ranch wave (me!), the egg shaped surfboard he accidentally bought, the back foot traction accidentally affixed mid board, etc. She must be mortified. He must be near suicide and then he must laugh because everyone makes mistakes and who cares?
Step 2: Know that you are part of a brave tradition!
This knowledge does not change the horror but it does put it in context. @kook_of_the_day says it best. “We’re all kooks in our own way!” And we are. We scarecrow jive down perfect Surf Ranch waves. We forget to mix oil in the 2-stroke motor gasoline can. We get lipped, clipped, drop in, go straight, barrel dodge, drip saltwater out of our noses and also saltwater + cocaine. Every surfer on the face of this earth has done something kooky except Gerry Lopez. Oh wait, Gerry Lopez moved to Bend, Oregon and fucking river surfs. Every surfer on the face of this earth has done something kooky
Step 3: Give an interview to Chas Smith!
But only if you did something virally kooky. For normal moments the interview with Chas Smith can be exchanged with an honest admission to friends. But if you did something virally kooky then it is important to admit to BeachGrit that you both know what you did is horrifying but also that a sense of humor prevails. That you can learn and care about the myriad rules, sub-rules, sub-sub-rules and shifting rules because these make up the surfing life but that you also love surfing enough to break them.
Step 4: Repeat!
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Handsome man with a camera? More like handsome man with a hairpiece – what the fuck is going on there?
Does that shit come with velcro?
Ted’s Loco moco is literally a last meal.
I once did a shit in my wetsuit….No I didn’t
Thank you for your honesty.
Wow I hope she takes this life line as you sound like your lining her up for a relentless verbal barrage not dissimilar to ex ceo speaker.
I read this as tacit acknowledgement that it was not a media stunt.
I was seriously unsure until now. I thought maybe she was a marketing genius.
But no, shes just another kook.
Moved to Kahala in ’89 and bought my first surfboard, a second hand 7’2″ Robin Prodanovich.
I remember one day walking down the hill at Diamond to surf some 3-4′ waves when a local walking up smiled and commented on da gun. I had no fucking clue that he was laughing at me. Haha..Kook!!!
This whole thing was a set up. Well played Ms Youth Influencer. Well played.
Is it though?
A set up needs a big reveal. This is her moment. A chance to connect with the core and laugh at/with us.
This to me is tacit acknowledgement of kookdom.
Thete is no core. So says Margaret Thatcher. May she rot in hell!
That’s great to hear, Jeff.
I heard they were getting squeezed out and shut down by Maccas and the chains. I couldn’t understand why.
The maccas that opened at Lahaina at the time even served saimin. lol
I think there’d be some sort of armed revolt if a plate lunch wasn’t within a 5 minute walk of any given employment. I had about 10 options within 2 blocks of my high school.
AH FUCK I’M HUNGRY FOR PLATE LUNCH NOW YOU BASTARDS,
WHERE’S THE AIRPORT!?!?!
I shunned the Surfline staff photographer at my local break, while my buddy befriended him. Afterwards, the photog sent my buddy a sequence of me making a mediocre barrel. I proceeded to post it on Instagram and blow it up into a huge poster I put on wall. Absolute kook and hypocritical. My buddy ended up getting the lead shot to an article on Surfline anyways and my barrel sequence didn’t make the cut.
I was on maui early to mid 80s – that shop was the last genuine one on Maui.
Old style, I think Japanese owners.
Great food, of course.
I hope plate lunch has made a comeback – yes ?
Plate lunch – love plate lunch.
There used to be a shop in Lahaina heading east on the old main rd.
Beautiful – suppose it’s long gone now.
I just saw Wsl have got this fri 8th 7am local for a start at Ulus.
1.8m swell, off shores forecast. Could be good.
watch while we can – last ever before FB
Im not sure if just didn’t get an interview or if this is a teaser for the trailer of a movie.
Oh I greviously kooked out last winter in Hawaii. I’d tell you about it but am worried you people would feel let down.
No, share – I’ve left the bungs out twice and sunk two boats, if that helps.
Okay then.
Honolua Bay cave section, around 2 feet OH, little gutless and broken up but never anything really wrong with that wave. Medium busy and I was lurking around the margins being respectful and getting a few that slipped through or got rejected by the local crew. Surfing well for me – call it competent with a lean toward power/aggression, spiced with the familiar, second nature aspect of 40 years in the water. Nice day, nice vibe, beautiful spot.
A long set shuttled all the core locals to the inside, then two bigger waves swept in the remainder of the pack, all but me as I’d been hanging a bit wide and outside. I looked around me and realized I had about the next three minutes all to myself right on the peak at one of the best, most crowded, most localized waves in the world. In ten seconds I was centered in the perfect spot. Of course then the wave then never comes, except this time it did, and what a wave. Size-wise call it approaching double OH, but looking much longer period than the rest that day, a long line stretching and wrapping way out into the bay. Looking up the point at it mangling the unprepared with Hawaiian juice, I could see it was just one wave, a big perfect rouge, clearly the wave of the day that day and probably most days out there.
It occurred to me that the entire line up was inside and would watch me ride this wave, and I was stoked. I was going to kill it, no question. I felt calm and happy, decided as it approached that yep, this one was going to hit that deep Cave takeoff spot just right, give up a roll in, and then sling me backdoor through the racing heaving bowl. It was as good as done. The men and women of Honolua would see me get totally fucking pitted then throw buckets about 4 times as I hacked my way to Keiki bowl where I probably would get barreled some more. And then paddle out to smiles and sit a couple of slots higher up the totem pole. In my head it was in the book.
I decided that I’d paddle a little casual and peacock a bit of nonchalance on the drop, Hawaii loves sleepy bravado after all, and I’d need to stall if I was gonna get really deep. The wave stood up a little harder than I thought it would though, suddenly turning my stylish roll-in into an actual if ordinary hollowed out drop. In the process of hopping up I failed to fully adjust to the new reality, and I somehow landed too far on the tail of my board. But no worries, I’ll ride it out and make the drop, then shuffle forward and do a big railed bottom turn. More than one way to stall after all. Except that the wave was big and steep enough that I got pushed a little more into the backseat by the time I reached the bottom, and could neither turn nor move forward. Instead I seized into a bizarre, awkward contortion on the tail third of my board and skimmed straight, way out onto the flats until friction arrested forward motion. Then this awful frozen moment, right before I was going to start sinking, when I looked inside and saw all these locals staring at me in something like horror. And then that fat Hawaiian lip slammed into the back of my head and just fucking obliterated me. The ass kicking was long, but the wave was longer, still smoking down the bay as I pulled myself onto my board and looked to see what I’d missed: a spray-maned wild horse galloping madly off never to be ridden. Fuck.
I was still farther outside than basically everyone, so I tucked my tail and waddled back to the scrap pile take off spot. Tried to make light with the first few people who paddled by, but nope, no one even looked at me. Not the 60 year old lifers, not the stickered-up13 year old girl, not the vagabonding hippie couple, not the MMA bodyboarders, not even the people who were obviously from fucking Vermont or something in their second year of surfing. It was like they were all embarrassed and annoyed and repulsed, like they’d walked in on me touching a dog inappropriately or something. The last guy to paddle by – handsome, fit, long-haired neo-soul ripper who I’m sure was a known somebody in the surfing world – said five words, very flatly but with this little edge to them, like a deeply disappointed stolid dad might: “That was a good wave.” I’ve never felt like a bigger kook.
Can you feel my pain Beach Grit? If heaven exists and I go there the first month is nothing but second chances at that wave!
Ohhhh, upvote for gut wrenching honesty there PNP.
Jeez
Jesus.. my mate once tripped over his leggy and fell face first into the sand,snapping the nose off his stick in front of a pack of bikini clad chicks in the shore break.
I was at least a hundred yards away ripping a billy in the dunes but fuck it was embarrassing.
I am sobbing in sympathy. I feel your pain.
…Derek, sign him up!
Thanks harry, but I write like shit really, strong concepts but janky prose full of typos that’s murder on editors. I wouldn’t subject Derek or Chas to dealing with my clunky sentences on a professional basis 🙂
Holy shit – that’s raw. I feel like the comments section has currently morphed into occasional kooks anonymous.
Could have been worse . Your dad could have said like mine “ You did some great paddling out there today son “ . I’ve tried to educate surfers of diverse levels about two very different types of paddling . The paddling back out to the lineup and paddling for a wave .Whatever type of wave it is increased entry speed is always a positive. Throw cool out the window and Paddle into the fucking wave as if your life depended on it .
Shhhh….nobody likes a story-topper
Ok . It was not my original thought but in the name of diplomacy the dude abides.
Oh. That is harsh. I am using that.
Great story, I feel for ya.
Oh i have been here too many times my friend. Alcohol helps. One wave. One fucking glorious show off wave is all i ask after 40 years in the brine dammit
i’d rather that happened at Honolulu than at my local. I think. At least I dont have to see those people ever again.
long, boring…
I lol’d.
Instead of heaven, you may be someone’s reincarnation paying for their transgressions of touching a dog inappropriately or something. You might want to review your life and if this isn’t a solitary event expect more until the next go around. And even then it might be worse the next time if you’re not careful.
brilliant!
Great read Pest.
Even locals can kook out there, don’t sweat it.
She should’ve been rubbing wax on the fins also, to get the mob truly baying.
It’s GOTTA be a set-up.
I push Mongo (on my groms longboard).
There. I said it.
This might just be my first ever down vote.
I’m Horrified with myself (1)
You don’t need to push the water with your feet on a surfboard. That’s your first mistake!
Hahahaa. Awesome.
We’re all born kooks. Some are just more evolutionarily predisposed to remain that way.
Every time you comment I look twice to make sure which ni(c)k (c)kar(r)ol(l) is commenting, then I can gauge my response accordingly.
Discrimination!
https://www.instagram.com/p…
Our Genetics May Define Our Future.
Lisa probs rides a surf mat tho
Is it not far more kooky to surf awkwardly on a shortboard than smoothly on a motherfucking mid length? God dammit.
Preach Braddah TomHouse
Til the ends of the earth I will shout my message(s)
https://uploads.disquscdn.c… I think the WSL wins Kooks Of The Day because they think Uluwatu is a fat, right hand beach break. See attached evidence from their website!
has the water in Bali got colder?
The world has gotten colder since John’s knee injury.
With the exception of Culburra . World Wildcard Walkthrough League .
and, apparently, his balls gotten sweeter…
Well if the tectonic plates keep moving as predicted Margaret River will one day make it to Bali .Whether they take the sharks with them is another story .
hopefully the sharks will be a bit quicker than that. image the scene of a GW stalking the ulu’s line up and 150 potential meals all trying to get out of the water at the same time.
Don’t forget about those cold Indonesian days, where a 3/2 steamer is a must!
No, no. That’s Uluwatu, Connecticut. Where did you think the event was?
Gerry Lopez might be able to out-Laird Laird!
Word from Surf Ranch is Lopez blew two waves on takeoff!
At least he didn’t ride a stand-up, I guess!