Introducing The Carne Asada Metric.

The Pacific has gone entirely flat, in Southern California, and has been such for months now. Not a pulse, not even a ripple, in weeks and weeks and weeks. The obsessive-compulsive surfer who counts a 15-ft glider in his quiver not even “out there.” The surfer who depends on saltwater to balance mental health throwing caution to the wind and letting that mental health become unbalanced.

As bleak as it gets and yet, Surfline has been calling 2 – 3 fair to poor throughout much of this satanic stretch. The wave forecasting giant making an absolute mockery of both 2 – 3 feet and the very idea of fairness and poorness. Surfline, as you know, has a monopoly on wave forecasting, around these parts, which leads directly to all sorts of conflicts of interest. Which advertiser, for instance, might need a little boost from a juiced outlook?

And it has long been thought that this situation simply is what it is. There will never be a Surfline competitor so accepting its prognostications, just like accepting political season promises or the fact that Diddy called his parties “freak offs” just a way of life.

Until now.

For just yesterday, I sat down for my weekly chat with David Lee Scales who just so happened to be near Florida’s gulf where the waves are slightly larger than bottom California’s. We were talking about this and that until he mentioned Waffle House, the beloved southern chain that serves such delicacies as Texas Melts and biscuits + gravy. Well, David Lee informed me that alongside breakfast yum yum, Waffle House also provides its Waffle House Index, a guide to hurricanes and tropical storms and their potential damage.

Per the Waffle House website:

When a hurricane makes landfall, the head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency relies on a couple of metrics to assess its destructive power.

First, there is the well-known Saffir-Simpson Wind Scale. Then there is what he calls the “Waffle House Index.”

Green means the restaurant is serving a full menu, a signal that damage in an area is limited and the lights are on. Yellow means a limited menu, indicating power from a generator, at best, and low food supplies. Red means the restaurant is closed, a sign of severe damage in the area or unsafe conditions.

Honest and true.

And while Southern California may not have Waffle House nor tropical storm, it does have burrito joints frequented by surfers post-surf. Now, if we were to set up iPads at each beachfront burrito joint with three simple questions (where did you surf, what board do you normally ride, what board did you ride today), wave quality could be instantly and accurately determined.

The Carne Asada Metric.

Genius, no?

David Lee and I also discussed the cons of renewing wedding vows and Griffin Colapinto. A fine show and worth a listen, here.

But before you click “play,” what is your burrito order? Are you a California gal? Classic carne asada? Pollo asado?

Me?

Al pastor tacos. The mighty burrito just too much food.

Bon apetit.