A Peasant’s Guide To The Palm Spring’s Surf Club Part 2: There Are No Barrels For Peasants In Palm Springs

"This really isn’t surfing—this is riding artificial waves in a pool with a surfboard."

Like General MacArthur returning to the Philippines, I have returned to the Palm Springs Surf Club (“PSSC”).

When I last visited, it was January, the water was a balmy 55 degrees, I was paddling on a torn triceps tendon (which really should have occurred to me at the time), and I did not get to surf the slabbing wave setting on account of some pumps being down.

A mere days after my prior article was published, PSSC announced it was shutting down for further repairs/refinements. Was this a direct result of my hard-nosed investigative prowess? My ego says yes, but common sense would suggest that this was inevitable if people were shelling out the dough for private/more expensive sessions and the pool was only capable of pumping out the intermediate wave.

Nine months and one distal triceps tendon repair surgery since then, PSSC is back open for business. So, has anything changed? Is the slabbing wave any good? Is this place really a worthy venue for the ‘28 Olympics?

Read and find out.

Or don’t, go directly to the comments section, and see if you can somehow turn this subject into a political debate instead—I hear that Arnold Palmer’s schlong is quite the talk of the town these days.

Unlike my last PSSC visit, I am not alone. Com’s buddy is also booked for the very same sessions—the slab wave in the morning and the intermediate wave in the afternoon.

I have not told him that he might not be ready for the slab wave given that he’s a bit slower than I am to get to his feet (and in that sense, maybe I’m not all that ready either). In fact, I have told him precisely the opposite, and there’s a fair chance he’ll ultimately be pissed at me for telling him that it’s an easy chip in and that he’ll have no problem getting pool barreled when I have no idea whether this is actually true. In any event, he is a strong swimmer, so I’m pretty sure he won’t panic and think he’s going to drown if he gets pitched and pounded.

With this potential setback in mind, I have prophylactically gifted him as an early gag birthday present, a 5-fin set from Phallic Fins, which are convincingly shaped like dicks. These fins will become unexpectedly noteworthy later in the day in a rather bemusing way.

10:00 a.m.: Upon entry, the place looks roughly the same as my last visit, though construction of what appears to be the framework for a small hotel overlooking the pool is under way.

When I inquire about the wave setting applicable to the earlier sessions we are observing, YET FUCKING AGAIN, barrel hubris strikes—there are no barreling waves at PSSC on offer today in any of the public sessions. This time, it is not a technical issue with the pumps like it was back in January. Instead, PSSC has presumably moved the goalposts in terms of what constitutes the “Advanced A-Frame,” a setting that was formerly described as follows:

“These slabby cylinders give surfers the option to pull in on the takeoff and come out in time to do one or two more turns if you are quick enough.”

Now, it basically looks like the intermediate wave I surfed back in January with perhaps a touch more height and a touch more juice, but it is certainly not barreling (and as of the publishing of this article, the photo on the PSSC website for the Advanced A-Frame misleadingly still shows the very same barreling wave the website displayed back in January).

That being said, the other explanation for this could be that PSSC originally overrepresented the “Advanced A-Frame” in the first place, and this is merely the same wave setting that was formerly described as “slabby cylinders.” On the second or third wave of each 6-wave set, you might get a very brief little head dip, but “slabby cylinders” or a proper barrel this is certainly not.

There’s still a slab/barreling setting as I understand it, but you’ll evidently have to book a private session for that. This is also coupled with the fact that the public sessions for this wave are 1/3rd more expensive than they were back in January. I have doubts about whether this business model is going to work out for PSSC unless they have all kinds of private sessions reliably lined up for like the next 10 years. At any rate, there are no barrels for peasants in Palm Springs unless they start making those waves available for public sessions in the future.

This sets PSSC apart from the majority of the other quasi-affordable wave pools out there. The fact that URBN Surf in Sydney is $109 AUS (which is like, $30 USD) per hour while Waco is $179 USD per hour further makes the $224 USD per hour PSSC price tag on the pricier end of things.

I suppose I am just not going to know what the PSSC slab is like, as the aforementioned lack of transparency coupled with the price hike is not exactly making me particularly jazzed about returning. As George W. Bush once brilliantly said, “Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”

11:30 a.m.: The first session gets under way, and what do you know, this wave has more push than the intermediate wave I surfed last January. It’s about 3 – 3.5 feet throughout, and the end section, though still tricky, doesn’t just completely evaporate as you come off your top turn (this time, it just mostly evaporates). Getting three turns in is also a bit easier than it is on the intermediate wave. My 6’4” asym rail line is still way too long for this wave, so I manage three turns per wave only once during the entire session.

I will say though, that surfing this pool in boardshorts and a rashguard in 70ish degree water is a far more pleasant experience than in 55 degree water with a 4/3 and booties. What’s more, I find a way to exclusively go right (I despise lefts) after none of the other surfers presumably feel like insisting that the biggest guy out there switch sides. In any event, I can see how enough reps on this wave might improve your surfing when you’re on a wave every two minutes and fifteen seconds during the course of an hour.

12:30 p.m: The first session wraps up, and my buddy and I hit the bar and the lazy river on the other side of the property where the non-surfing sunbathers are. We are told by two separate bartenders and at least one lifeguard that beers on the lazy river are fine if in a plastic cup. And if you pass up a chance to sip a beer on a lazy river, you clearly hate freedom and are likely a Russian and/or Chinese spy.

After one lazy river lap, another teenage lifeguard who is less than half my age and a foot shorter than me tells us no beers allowed and that beer drinking only applies on weekends. My buddy reminds him that today is goddamn Saturday and that we were told otherwise by multiple employees, but he changes his explanation to “summertime weekends.” I chug my beer and depart the lazy river as the kid tries to give me a lecture about not listening to him. I give him an indifferent stare, say nothing, and walk back to the bar for another beer.

The swimming pool that the lazy river encircles is 90% full of men and women alike who absolutely do not have the body type to pull off their respective swimwear of choice. Truth be told, it’s a rather accurate representation of the general American populace these days in terms of both BMI and abject self-delusion. Still, you’d have to be staying at a pretty nice hotel in the greater Palm Springs/Palm Desert area to do much better than these pool accommodations. It also appears that PSSC now has the waterslides of the former water park working, and there are fair few screaming kids about.

In terms of hosting a surf contest of any appreciable significance, the venue can accommodate a crowd of perhaps a couple thousand who might have a view of the wave if this is where the ‘28 Olympics is going to be, though this will be a far cry from the 50K – 70K person capacity stadiums that will be hosting the sports that anyone actually cares about.

I further expect that the 120 degree air and 90 degree water that will predominate during the months of July and August is bound to cause a bit of heat stroke among the athletes and the attending fans alike. I’m not sure if running the competition at night is going to substantially change that, but there might be some lawsuits either way.

2:30p.m.: I decide to switch to a 6’1” Dark Arts twin for the next session and crush my sixth alcoholic beverage of the afternoon. As the other surfers start to get ready for the afternoon session, my buddy and I are solicited by another surfer on behalf of his friend who only has brought side fins and needs to borrow a center fin.

We inform him that we can absolutely lend him a center fin, but it’s a fin that is literally shaped like a dick. His eyes narrow, he gives us a “what the fuck is wrong with you guys?” look, and mumbles that his friend will probably figure something out. We never learn whether or not his friend has just opted to go without a center fin in lieu of a dick fin or was otherwise accommodated with less phallic looking equipment.

3:00 p.m.: The intermediate wave is pretty much the intermediate wave I surfed last January. It turns out that the Dark Arts twin goes way better than my prior board choice and I even somehow manage a backside carve or two when I finally end up going left.

4:00 p.m.: The intermediate session ends and I am somehow just about as gassed after two sessions in boardshort water temperature than I was after three sessions back in January in 4/3 water temperature. In lieu of hanging out any further in Palm Springs, we make our way back to Orange County.

6:40 p.m.: A few much delayed post-surf beers are imbibed at Unsung Brewery in Anaheim. My buddy has caught the bug and suggests we get a group together for a private session. I’m more than a bit ambivalent about that, but there’s no way I’m gonna be the guy who both fronts and thereafter seeks reimbursement of the $7,000 private session price tag for two hours in that tub from 11 other surfers.

So, to answer the questions posed at the beginning, has anything changed? Well, the pool is fully operational, but the Advanced A-Frames are certainly not the “slabby cylinders” that were previously advertised. All public sessions are also 1/3rd more expensive as they previously were. There are also more non-surfer patrons than there were in January (most of whom need to make more realistic choices in their swimwear) and the waterslides appear to be working. Whether you can drink a beer on the lazy river depends on who you talk to.

Is the slabbing wave any good? I’ll likely never know.

Is this place really a worthy venue for the ‘28 Olympics? I’d rather watch the ‘28 Olympics held in 1 – 2 foot onshore Huntington Beach slop than in this place. On principle alone, as stated in my previous article, this really isn’t surfing—this is riding artificial waves in a pool with a surfboard. In terms of the ability to accommodate an in-person crowd, Huntington Beach obviously blows this place out of the water, not to mention the fact that the weather at the beach in July and August is far more temperate than in the middle of the desert.

But if the goal is to create an utterly miserable experience for the surfers, fans, and onsite staff during the swelting July and August months, by all means, hold the ‘28 Olympics at PSSC.