Kelly Slater’s former paramour Gisele Bundchen announces pregnancy

"Gisele and Joaquim are happy for this new chapter and looking forward to creating a peaceful and loving environment for the family."

The surf world was alit, last summer, and not because World Surf League Finals Day was going to be held at Lower Trestles. No, the frenzy came from Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen announcing the end to their seemingly perfect union. Brady, winningest quarterback of all-time, and Bundchen, a very famous Brazilian supermodel, called it quits after multiple years and whilst the surf world tried to mourn the demise, hope began bubbling that Bundchen and her former BF Kelly Slater might relight their flame.

Yes, the winningest surfer of all-time and Bundchen were a couple during the aughts and a fine couple indeed. Alas, their reunion was not to be. Slater and his longtime girlfriend had a baby boy and Bundchen just announced she and her partner, Brazilian jiu-jitsuist Joaquim Valente, are expecting a bundle of their own and soon.

TMZ is reporting that Bundchen is “five or six months pregnant.” It will be her third child as she has two with Brady.

A source close to the couple told People Magazine, “Gisele and Joaquim are happy for this new chapter in their life and they’re looking forward to creating a peaceful and loving environment for the whole family.”

Very nice and whilst surf fans may have dreamed of a love match, might we be satisfied enough for a playdate? It could be hoped that Slater’s son will have a name by the time Bundchen’s child is of taking-to-the-park age and imagine how cute it would be?

Do you have any candles left over?

Light please?

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Evidence that surf great Kelly Slater has actually retired grows with release of sensual new photo book

"From his famous morning pancakes to strumming guitar with his friends."

It is certainly beginning to feel that Kelly Slater might be retiring from professional surfing. The 11x world champion has been on a “best life tour” of late, popping around Europe, golfing, attending college football games with famous friends. Of course he is taking some time to surf his various tubs, also with famous friends, and generally seems to be in a good mood.

That easy life.

To cap off the overall sense that the greatest competitive surfer of all time is moving gracefully into his golden years, a retrospective photo book by the legendary Todd Glaser has just hit the shelves. Forwarded by Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder, Kelly Slater: A Life of Waves “celebrates fifteen years of Slater’s exhilarating adventures, from 2008 to 2023: Slater’s most iconic surf sessions including the first-ever wave ridden at his Surf Ranch, as well as behind-the-scenes shots inside Slater’s home, from his famous morning pancakes to strumming guitar with his friends.”

The tome has raced up Amazon’s best-seller charts and is currently the #1 new release in surfing (#5 overall) and #5 in celebrity photography.

There are currently no customer reviews but the whole business certainly does have the essence of finality, no? That 2023 is, officially, the end even though Slater surfed through 2024. So, will you be sad, come Pipeline Pro, when he is surfing as a wildcard, also surfing as a wildcard in Abu Dhabi, J-Bay, Tahiti and a smattering of others?

The end of an era, certainly.

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Kolohe Andino and Julian Wilson online fued
Beach fight between Julian Wilson and Kolohe Andino, as imagined in the movie Point Break.

Surf Olympians Kolohe Andino and Julian Wilson square off in wild online blood feud

“Surfing’s fun brother. Stop spraying your negativity.”

Former tours surfers Kolohe Andino And Julian Wilson, two men who are popular, admired, celebrated and let’s face it, erotic artifacts for any breathing homosexual man, have squared off online in a wild blood feud.

Two days ago, on the Instagram account of Rivvia Projects, Julian Wilson’s start-up clothing label famous for a style which suggests the sex kitten look meets New Romantic, a clip of Wilson surfing Lowers, Kolohe’s home wave, was posted along with the caption:

“Straight from the cobblestones of Trestles to the social media internet. A very recent clip of the boss himself, Julian Wilson, giving the Lowers lineup a bit of an education in high performance surfing.”

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Rivvia Projects (@rivvia.projects)

 

Lowers, of course, is the high-performance wave that gifted Filipe Toledo two world titles and Kolohe has long been associated with the wave.

Kolohe shot back, “Sick wave. Fucked caption.”

Since leaving the tour Kolohe has discovered a fine candour in his work. When launching his own clothing label, 2 percent, he stunned surf fans with a profanity laden screed on Instagram.

“Surfing culture, big time surf brands and the ‘surf lifestyle’ are FUCKING dead,” wrote the thirty-year-old Daddy of two. “You got every FUCKING up and coming kid thinking they are one of the Paul brothers. Trying to gain cloud in any way, shape or form, with no gumption, no backbone, or no idea. These kids are not leaders, they are followers.”

The short message on the Rivvia account launched a cavalcade of stunned responses, some for, some against, the Californian.

“Surely this isn’t the real Kolohe? No way he could be this big a wanker.”

“Fkn sook. Have a listen to yourself.”

Brother’s a bit neggo now he’s washed up.

Then, this exchange tween Kolohe and Wilson.

Wilson: “Surfing’s fun brother. Stop spraying your negativity.”

Kolohe replies, “Tell your IG intern to get a grip. Trestles don’t need no education on high performance surfing.”

Wilson retorts, “It’s called tongue and (sic) cheek. Lighten up kid.”

And the intern himself,

“IG Intern here. Really sorry if I offended anyone. I was just trying to keep the boss happy so I can hopefully get a full time job. Julian Wilson told me if this post gets 1000 likes I’m officially hired.”

BeachGrit has always held Kolohe Andino close to our hearts. I knew his daddy Dino during his wild nineties epoch and first met the boy prodigy, then sixteen, on a holiday to the Canary Islands where he exhibited what were then exotic flavours of aerials. Kolohe’s sense of humour is light and legendary.

My favourite Julian Wilson moment came some years back when I was commissioned by Surfer to do a Hot Seat interview with the kid. Without any responses to my questions that deserved ink, I made up the interview using quotes from George Hamilton, Adolf Hitler and a few other notables.

Crazy thing? No one noticed.

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Hero (pictured) in action.
Hero (pictured) in action.

Heroic New Jersey surfers break from surf contest to save drowning fishermen

"The incident made all the more impressive due the fact that surfers and fisherpeople are oft enemies."

New Jersey has nothing left to prove itself as the best surfing state in the contiguous 48. A coastal strip of such heartiness and heroics as to deeply shame the lily-livers of Florida and California. But tough don’t take a day off and, therefore, let us travel to Avalon Beach in South Jersey wherein we meet the Cape May County Boardriders.

The fellas were in the water for the yearly “Battle at the Jetty” surf contest when disaster struck. A rogue wave, you see, caught two fishermans there on the aforementioned breakwater unawares and swept them right into the boil.

Thinking nothing of priority interference or “sliding into the excellent range,” the champions broke straight away and paddled over to save the day. Amongst them was an 18-year-old nursing student named Cooper Lysinger. Thinking nothing of his own safety, the young man used his board to float one of trawlers to the comforts of shore.

“It reinforces the fact that I want to be a nurse and just go and help people,” Lysinger said afterward and will no doubt be soon flooded with marriage offers from eligible bachelorettes from around the nation.

Witnesses declared that the fishermen needed no medical attention once upon the sand and were able to appropriately thank the white knights for their assistance.

The incident made all the more impressive due the fact that surfers and anglers are oft enemies. I, for one, feel an internal boil at those who stand on the shore and cast their evil hooks into the sea at beaches that have fine enough waves in Southern California. What are they hoping to catch? Stingrays? I can’t say that I would magnanimous if one of them lost footing and became dragged out to sea.

Do you think lesser of me, now?

Sorry.

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Mitch Parkinson surfing Aragum Bay, Sri Lanka
Happy lil Mitch Parkinson back in 2019 when he won a WQS contest in Aragum Bay.

Three Sri Lankans arrested in connection with threats to kill Israeli surfers in Aragum Bay

The terror threats in retaliation for Israel killing Hezbollah's revolving door leadership…

Four days back, Israeli surfer were warned to get the hell out of Aragum Bay, a pretty beach town two hundred miles east of the capital Colombo and famous for its soft and easy-to-shred waves. 

Per Chas Smith, author of Reports from Hell, read the review here,

“The United States National Security Council strongly exhorted Israeli surfers in, and around, Sri Lanka’s Arugam Bay to leave the region after receiving what it described as credible threats indicating an imminent attack.” 

Of the roughly seven hundred Israelis kicking around the town, which has a population of seven thousand, all but three have now either fled the town for other parts of Sri Lanka or flew home to be bombed in the safety of their communal bunkers.

“I love coming here and my family loves coming here, and we surf for about three to four hours every day when my sons are here,” one Israeli surfer told Reuters “I don’t think there is a serious security threat.”

Still, there are 16 armed men, including police commandos, stationed around his little house in Aragum Bay. 

The two other Israeli surfers now share their homestay with eight cops and special force personnel.

The Sri Lankans, who only got ‘emselves out a twenty-six year civil war in 2009, have very little appetite for Islamic terrorism despite it being in vogue on college campuses in the intellectually and morally compromised, and confused, West.  

On Easter Sunday in 2019, 350 people were killed in a spate of suicide bomb attacks by Islamic State targeting churches and hotels. Reprisal mobs quickly followed. 

Three Sri Lankans have been arrested over the threats to go on a Jew-killing spree, in retaliation of the killing, over and over and over, of Hezbollah’s revolving leadership in Lebanon.

There have been unconfirmed reports the men were to be paid $US17000 for the hits.

Mulsims make up around ten percent of Sri Lanka’s twenty-mill population, Christians run in at seven, Hindus at thirteen and Buddhists the overwhelming majority at seventy percent.

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