Sea serpents considered “symbol of impending doom” wash up on North County San Diego beaches!

Surfers, terrified, locking themselves indoors and weeping uncontrollably.

North County San Diego surfers should, by all rights, be overjoyed today. A spot of swell has finally arrived to a region starved of waves for the better part of three months. The sun, to make matters even more theoretically happy, is shining and the crows are cawing. But North County San Diego surfers are not overjoyed today. They are, instead, curled up in the fetal position, indoors with all lights off, curtains drawn, awaiting a very ominous fate.

The abject terror has nothing to do with Donald J. Trump’s ascension to the highest office in the land nor does it have to do with excessive concern of what will happen to Tyler Wright if she choses to surf in the Abu Dhabi Pro come February 2025.

No, the mental duress stems from the otherworld. Two wildly rare sea serpents have washed up on two beaches, La Jolla and Encinitas’ Grandview just one month apart. Deep sea dwelling oarfish that are considered “symbols of impending doom” in Japanese folklore.

The bad omens are both over 10 feet long and look like the Matt Gaetz his very self with weirdly pinched faces and a fire red mohawk traveling from tip to tail.

Yikes.

Only 25 oarfish have ever been spotted, dead or alive, in Southern California over 100 years.

Ben Frable, Scripps’ Institute of Oceanography fish expert and a museum scientist, declared, “We took samples and froze the specimen awaiting further study and final preservation in the Marine Vertebrate Collection. Like with the previous oarfish, this specimen and the samples taken from it will be able to tell us much about the biology, anatomy, genomics and life history of oarfishes.”

He also surmised the reason for the beachings “may have to do with changes in ocean conditions and increased numbers of oarfish off our coast. Many researchers have suggested this as to why deep-water fish strand on beaches. This wash-up coincided with the recent red tide and Santa Ana winds last week but many variables could lead to these strandings.”

All fine and re. the science, or whatever, but what about the impending doom?

Ben Gravy moving to town?

A Jamie O’Brien Surf Experience popping up at Stonesteps?

Chris Cote deciding to turn full negative?

Help!