Christmas Gift ideas for Surfers You Hate

Camping shoes, man surf boots and binoculars – Christmas gifts with spite!

Time to hate that surfer in your life. But how to find the perfect gift to spite him or her? Holiday gift guides on popular surf websites is where. And let us begin with The Inertia. This wildly controversial surf website suggests the surfer in your life will hate a dry robe. Nothing kills a pre-session amp up more than having to change to biting cold weather.

Thankfully, you never have to experience that bone-chilling feeling again with Dryrobe’s Advanced Long Sleeve. The surfer in your life that you hate the most will look like an absolute fool in their changing robe.

Foolish and laughable.

On next, you can give the surfer you hate in your life a timely, hateable gift. This is the Vans Surf Boot V2 High.

What is more hateable right now than Vans Triple Crown of Surfing? Also part of the wake of their destruction features the Pipeline Masters, the once important event now an old relic that nobody cares about. My how times change. Vans, the hammer of evil. Get that surfer you hate in your life some man’s surf boots.

Moving on, The Inertia suggests you get the Teva Re-Ember slip-on shoe for the surfer that you hate. This shoe is one of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen in my entire life. The surfer in your life will look like an ass as they’re walking down the street. They will look like an ass when they’re in line at the grocery store. Really dig the knife in that surfer you hate with these ones.

Last, is a pair of binoculars. Nothing is as pointless or as annoying on Christmas morning, Hanukkah Eve, Diwali afternoon, than to open up a pair of binoculars. They’re worthless in the best of times and absolutely junk for a surfer.

Is a surfer in your life going to go down to Swamis, out at Lowers and get those binocs out? You know what they’ll look like?

A foolish ass.

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Sean Penn (left) and Hunter Biden. Bosom Buddies.
Sean Penn (left) and Hunter Biden. Bosom Buddies.

Surf legend Jeff Spicoli delivers robust defense of beleaguered first boy Hunter Biden!

"I don’t know if I want to have a beer with somebody who wouldn’t have pardoned Hunter Biden...”

There are only three fictional surf characters ever created that matter. Johnny Utah, Matt Johnson and Jeff Spicoli. The latter featured in the coming-of-age masterpiece Fast Times at Ridgemont High and was brought lovingly to life by Sean Penn. The nepo-baby was 22-years-old at time of filming and history has it he so immersed himself in the role that he refused to be recognized by his real name, forcing cast and crew to refer to him as Jeff Spicoli 100% of the time.

Penn went on to become a leading man, starring in such classics as Flag Day, Daddio and The Angry Birds Movie, though also developed a taste for progressive politics. As such, the diminutive 64-year-old is allowed to breathe rarified legislative air, rubs shoulders with the likes of Ukraine’s Volodymyr Zelenskyy and counts President Joe Biden’s son Hunter as a close and personal friend.

The troubled first boy has been in the news, of late, thanks to the sweeping pardon he received from his father, absolving him of any and all crimes he may have and did commit during a ten year period.

Whilst Republicans feigned outrage at ill-gotten gain, forgetting dear Jared Kushner et. al. and Democrats clutched their pearls, Penn boldly defended the Hunter, declaring, “Any father that didn’t do that would have been remiss. I don’t know if I want to have a beer with somebody who wouldn’t have pardoned Hunter Biden, being their son.”

He added, “In part because I am close with (Hunter), I have studied the case. And while there are technicalities within one of the cases that are associated with illegality, there is almost no precedent at all for the aggression with which he was charged.”

Hunter Biden, it must be noted, made $11 million during five of those forgiven years by sitting on the board of “a Ukrainian firm accused of bribery and his work with a Chinese businessman now accused of fraud,” according to NBC.

Technicalities associated with illegality, I suppose.

Ultra-hard surf candy.

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Ivanka Trump giving the right-leaning news what it wants. Photo: Instagram
Ivanka Trump giving the right-leaning news what it wants. Photo: Instagram

First daughter-elect Ivanka Trump gives right leaning media the “surfing eye candy” it is gagging for

Aoooogah, aooooogah!

Only just yesterday, Fox News host Jesse Watters was decrying the fact that there is not more right-leaning female “eye candy” out there what with Kelly Slater confidant RFK Jr. sucking the oxygen out of the room what with a variety of shirtless selfies and sultry shower videos.

Watters, sitting as part of a panel discussion, burnished his heterosexual bonafides by declaring, “I just think it’s unfair that you had to get to see this (RFK Jr. being hot) and we don’t get to see any of the female members of the cabinet. I’d like to see maybe Linda McMahon doing yoga. Tulsi surfing? Charlie and I need to see some eye candy too.”

While Gabbard did not immediately grant his wish nor Linda McMahon, who is near 80, the 46-year-old father of four did not have to wait long for some oculus confection. First daughter-elect Ivanka Trump, continuing a proud tradition of participating in surf-adjacency, hopped on a FlowRider and put on a show.

The Hindustan Times describing thusly:

The 43-year-old was seen holding onto a rope while balancing on a yellow surfboard in her video, which was later reposted on the social media platform by a fan page. Ivanka, who was a former advisor to the future president, stunned in a tight swimwear, defying the social norms as a mother of three.

Aoooogah, aooooogah!

I, myself, have FlowRidden once in my life. It was in Dubai some two decades ago, and the operators of the standing wave told my friends and I that we were not allowed to stand up. We told them that we were almost famous surf explorers, having just completed the first ever surf exploration of Yemen’s coast, and knew what we were doing. They relented and I recall quickly becoming sucked over the falls and slammed upon the bottom.

Defying social norms.

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Jamie O'Brien, too old, and Jeff Spicoli, stoned!
Jamie O'Brien, back in the diminished Pipe Masters, and Jeff Spicoli, with Vans Old School slip on.

Reverberations from dumbed-down Vans Pipe Masters continue to shake Hawaiian surf community

"Eligibility depends more on social media influence than on true merit and earned accomplishments."

It might be difficult for the adult learner, those who’ve come into surfing in the past few years, to believe but it wasn’t that long ago when Oahu’s North Shore was where everything that mattered in surf happened.

The contests, the magazines, the interviews, were a build-up to the mighty Triple Crown, awarded to the surfer who dominated the three North Shore events, Haleiwa, Sunset and Pipe. It was regarded as even more prestigious than a world title.

Sunny Garcia five of ’em, John John four, Andy Irons, four, Parko three, Kelly Slater three.

In 2024, a Pipe Masters is an invitation-only event, with preference given to Vans surfers, and the Triple Crown, which went digital during Covid, now goes to the surfer who sends in the best clips from the three marquee waves.

Two weeks back, Jamie O’Brien, born and bred at Pipeline, was told by Vans he was too old to make the invite list despite being in the top three surfers at Pipe. After a public outcry, Jamie was taken off the bench although reverberations from the decision continue to shake the Hawaiian surf community.

Real talk: he is old but age ain’t gonna weary the great James Duncan O’Brien.

Earlier today, North Shore shredder Shayden Pacarro penned an impassioned cri de coeur about the state of play on the North Shore.

As a surfer from Hawaii, participating in surf contests feels pointless without the prestigious Triple Crown of Surfing, a Pipeline Pro title, or qualifications for the Pipe Masters, along with sufficient rewards to support ourselves and our families. We can’t represent Hawaii in the Olympic Games but yet we are not apart of the North American region. We are the Hawaii/Tahiti region. It feels as if our rights to surfing has been stripped away! It seems as if everywhere else in the world has more opportunities, points and incentives than we do. How can it be that the “mecca” and birthplace of surfing has become the smallest arena in competitive surfing? For the very little events that are still alive in Hawaii, how can we secure a live broadcast? @wsl @wsl.qs That feels like a harsh reality check for us. The less we vocalize our concerns, the more they seem to take away from us.

 

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A post shared by Shayden Pacarro (@shaydo.p)

How can you secure an invitation to the newly revamped Vans Pipe Masters, which actually offers significant payment? Honestly, it’s quite unclear and remains a significant grey area. There isn’t a legitimate ranking or point system in place, no established hierarchy, and no seniority to consider. Eligibility appears to depend more on social media influence than on true merit and earned accomplishments. They say you should dedicate time at the Pipe to earn your place in the lineup, but from what I’ve seen, some of the most legendary Pipe surfers, who have scored numerous 10-point rides and pipe titles aren’t even on the invite list. These unclear determinations reflect a lack of class and undermine the integrity of surfing, as well as those who genuinely deserve to be part of its legendary history.  Pipeline: It’s not just about the money; it’s about the invaluable honor of riding one of the world’s most treacherous waves alongside only three other surfers, a special brotherhood. This privilege should be reserved for those who have demonstrated dedication and commitment over time.

Jamie O’Brien, Shane Dorian, Zeke Lau, Josh Moniz, Andy’s widow Lyndie, all dived into the comments to underscore Shayden’s message.

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Jesse Watters (insert) checking out Gabbard's goods. Photo: YouTube
Jesse Watters (insert) checking out Gabbard's goods. Photo: YouTube

Fox News host Jesse Watters begs for more Tulsi Gabbard surf footage: “I need some eye candy too!”

Hubba hubba!

Donald J. Trump has now been president-elect for almost one month and what an almost one month it has been. Tariff threats roiling markets, date nights with Elon Musk and cabinet picks that the left finds “troubling.” One of the early stars, of course, is Hawaii’s Tulsi Gabbard who Trump has tapped to lead the Department of National Intelligence.

The 43-year-old, a lieutenant colonel in the Army Reserve, was once a democratic congresswoman though left the party in 2022, describing it as, “under the complete control of an elitist cabal of warmongers.”

Though she was proven wrong, yesterday, by President Joe Biden’s populist and peaceful pardon of his son Hunter, Gabbard will soon be behind the levers of America’s spy machine, pending confirmation of course.

Jesse Watters, popular Fox News host who replaced Tucker Carlson on the network, is very excitado by the prospect of four Gabbard years though wants to see… more. Speaking to a panel, the raven-haired Watters became lightly frustrated that there were so many thirst trap posts of Trump’s heath czar RFK Jr. making the rounds but far fewer of the women in Trump’s orbit.

“I just think it’s unfair that you had to get to see this and we don’t get to see any of the female members of the cabinet,” Watters sighed. “I’d like to see maybe Linda McMahon doing yoga. Tulsi surfing? Charlie and I need to see some eye candy too.”

Linda McMahon, Trump’s pick to lead the Department of Education, is 76-years-young.

And while not new, Watters can enjoy this Gabbard surfing clip from three years ago.

I would warn him off re-visiting Gabbard’s The Inertia address, though.

Nothing cools the engines quite like Zach Weisberg and co.

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