"I was just trying to get on the good waves and in the end it all worked out in my favor.”

The first leg of the Triple Crown of Surfing is now, officially, in the books though there would really be no way to know it. What was once the most important competitive month on the calendar, contests at Haleiwa, Sunset and Pipeline, has been degraded to a digital challenge. Done real dirty by the distressed cobbler Vans and the World Surf League, which gutted Oahu’s North Shore of importance when it moved the aforementioned Pipeline to the season opener,

Well, I am here to report that Josh Moniz won the opener harnessing what the World Surf League is describing as an “insatiable form.”

Moniz declared afterward, “It feels great to win. It’s been a while and I’ve had a pretty bumpy surf career competing so to have an event like this where it went smooth from start to finish is pretty cool. I can kind of feel that momentum again and be able to play at that level with all the big boys. I was just fired up to be in the water with a bunch of my friends and knew I had to surf good to win. I was just trying to get on the good waves and in the end it all worked out in my favor.”

Days before the event, he took Vans to task for excluding Jamie O’Brien from the Pipe Masters, hammering, “I usually keep my opinions to myself, but I’ll speak up if no one else will. This isn’t about me trying to get a invitation—it’s about what the Pipeline Masters represents to surfing and the respect that this wave and event deserve. Even if it means I may never surf in this event at Pipe again, I’m okay with that. I’ve had my moments winning events at Pipe, and I’m grateful for all of them. If speaking out helps even one person who deserves a chance but might never get it under the current system, then it’s all worth it.”

A win at Haleiwa once would have given him a clear shot at the Triple Crown, especially with a good Pipe result which would have been extra delicious after the above bash.

Dumb digital version.

Boo.

"I don’t know if I want to have a beer with somebody who wouldn’t have pardoned Hunter Biden...”

There are only three fictional surf characters ever created that matter. Johnny Utah, Matt Johnson and Jeff Spicoli. The latter featured in the coming-of-age masterpiece Fast Times at Ridgemont High and was brought lovingly to life by Sean Penn. The nepo-baby was 22-years-old at time of filming and history has it he so immersed himself in the role that he refused to be recognized by his real name, forcing cast and crew to refer to him as Jeff Spicoli 100% of the time.

Penn went on to become a leading man, starring in such classics as Flag Day, Daddio and The Angry Birds Movie, though also developed a taste for progressive politics. As such, the diminutive 64-year-old is allowed to breathe rarified legislative air, rubs shoulders with the likes of Ukraine’s Volodymyr Zelenskyy and counts President Joe Biden’s son Hunter as a close and personal friend.

The troubled first boy has been in the news, of late, thanks to the sweeping pardon he received from his father, absolving him of any and all crimes he may have and did commit during a ten year period.

Whilst Republicans feigned outrage at ill-gotten gain, forgetting dear Jared Kushner et. al. and Democrats clutched their pearls, Penn boldly defended the Hunter, declaring, “Any father that didn’t do that would have been remiss. I don’t know if I want to have a beer with somebody who wouldn’t have pardoned Hunter Biden, being their son.”

He added, “In part because I am close with (Hunter), I have studied the case. And while there are technicalities within one of the cases that are associated with illegality, there is almost no precedent at all for the aggression with which he was charged.”

Hunter Biden, it must be noted, made $11 million during five of those forgiven years by sitting on the board of “a Ukrainian firm accused of bribery and his work with a Chinese businessman now accused of fraud,” according to NBC.

Technicalities associated with illegality, I suppose.

Ultra-hard surf candy.

Aoooogah, aooooogah!

Only just yesterday, Fox News host Jesse Watters was decrying the fact that there is not more right-leaning female “eye candy” out there what with Kelly Slater confidant RFK Jr. sucking the oxygen out of the room what with a variety of shirtless selfies and sultry shower videos.

Watters, sitting as part of a panel discussion, burnished his heterosexual bonafides by declaring, “I just think it’s unfair that you had to get to see this (RFK Jr. being hot) and we don’t get to see any of the female members of the cabinet. I’d like to see maybe Linda McMahon doing yoga. Tulsi surfing? Charlie and I need to see some eye candy too.”

While Gabbard did not immediately grant his wish nor Linda McMahon, who is near 80, the 46-year-old father of four did not have to wait long for some oculus confection. First daughter-elect Ivanka Trump, continuing a proud tradition of participating in surf-adjacency, hopped on a FlowRider and put on a show.

The Hindustan Times describing thusly:

The 43-year-old was seen holding onto a rope while balancing on a yellow surfboard in her video, which was later reposted on the social media platform by a fan page. Ivanka, who was a former advisor to the future president, stunned in a tight swimwear, defying the social norms as a mother of three.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Ivanka trump fanclub (@ivanka_trump_fanclub)

Aoooogah, aooooogah!

I, myself, have FlowRidden once in my life. It was in Dubai some two decades ago, and the operators of the standing wave told my friends and I that we were not allowed to stand up. We told them that we were almost famous surf explorers, having just completed the first ever surf exploration of Yemen’s coast, and knew what we were doing. They relented and I recall quickly becoming sucked over the falls and slammed upon the bottom.

Defying social norms.