"The amount of critics and people I've heard yapping along the way just clearly not understanding..."

Europe’s Grand Slam, the MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal, did not run yesterday, not that anyone would have watched. The event, which began in Autumn 2023, has been neither good nor fun. Surf fans, thus, have found other adjacencies by which to be entertained. In the United States of America, March Madness is entering its first weekend. In Great Britain, the teenage dart phenomenon Luke Littler too down Michael Van Gerwen in a “180-crazy Cardiff thriller.”

And over in China, Lewis Hamilton absolutely crushed the 19-lap sprint in a lights-to-flag victory. It was the Great Britain’s first ever sprint win but, more notably, also his first behind the wheel of a shiny new Ferrari.

Hamilton used to race for Mercedes, of course, and shocked the world when he traded German engineering for Italian chaos. While the Australian premier did not go well, the Chinese win gave the diminutive racer a good opportunity to say “see-I-told-you-so. “The first race was difficult and obviously,” the 40-year-old declared. “I think I really do feel a lot of people underestimated the steep climb it is to get into a new team, to become acclimatized within the team and understanding communication and all sorts of things. The amount of critics and people I’ve heard yapping along the way just clearly not understanding, maybe they’ve never had the experience or just unaware, so it’s felt great to come here and feel comfortable in the car, because in Melbourne I didn’t feel comfortable in the car.”

Important to surf fans is the very close relationship between Hamilton and the 11x world surf champion Kelly Slater. “He probably doesn’t know this but Kelly changed my life for the better,” Hamilton wrote after a Surf Ranch session, continuing, “I want you all to know how great of a human being this man is. I am forever grateful for the time you have given me, for the insight and your passion for the waves. Thank you @kellyslater! Can’t wait until we can hit the waves again.”

Unfortunately, Kelly Slater once almost had him killed, Hamilton sharing, “Biggest wipeout I had I was with Kelly Slater, on Pipeline. It was like 20ft waves (at Pipeline) and Kelly was like ‘there’s no way you’re coming out there. You’re crazy.’ I turn around and see this set of four waves coming and that for me was like: “it’s over, it’s all over.’ As I threw my board, I dove down and grabbed the reef and I could hear this wave crash behind me. My board got ripped and snapped in half. I came back up, obviously gasping for air and the next one was coming so back down, grabbed the reef again as another wave comes over. So I did that three times. I got up, I’d nearly run out of air. I’d nearly drowned, but managed to swim back from there.”

20-foot Pipe.

Yikes.

The Chinese Grand Prix is on tonight, midnight, California time. Hamilton 5th on the grid.

"Become your own Elon Musk."

Have you ever dreamed of becoming incomprehensibly rich while doing the thing you love the most? Well, today might be your lucky day. Days ago, attendees of Belmar, New Jersey’s City Council meeting learned that the city’s famed surf camp did not have a current operator. Its contract with Summertime Surf, which had given private lessons on Belmar’s gorgeous beach for the past decade, had expired in 2024.

Councilwoman Caitlin Donovan, stunned that surfing season was approaching so quickly with no accredited surf instruction institution in the fold, gasped, “I think time is of the essence here…” as she noted that other camps are already open for registration, and potential vendors will be looking to lock in dates quickly.

The Council very much agreed that the license must hurriedly go up for auction though have yet to pick a date leaving you, dreamer, with time.

But how much would you bid for the exclusive right to push excited folk into Atlantic ripples?

“Belmar was voted in 2014, the #1 beach in Central Jersey in the Top Ten Beaches Competition, and #6 in all of New Jersey,” the town’s website boasts, continuing:

Our beaches are home to the most colorful and fun beach playgrounds in New Jersey. In addition to this series of playgrounds every few blocks, several of our beaches are devoted to activities like boogie boarding, kayaking and surfing. We even offer a surf camp at 3rd Ave. Beach, where kids of all ages can take surfing lessons. For older beachgoers who prefer dry land activities, several of our beaches are equipped with poles for volleyball nets.

It is one of those sandy utopias which requires a “beach badge” so the riffraff certainly won’t be there clogging up the surf camp’s good work.

Keep current on auction information here.

Become your own Elon Musk.

"Almost definitely frustrated, Tate pivoted to a more surefire hit."

Nearly one week ago, the surf world was lightly jiggled when some of the World Surf League’s youngest stars signaled strong affection for the self-identified woman hater Andrew Tate and his older, yet younger-looking, brother Tristan. Cole Houshmand, currently number 21 in the rankings and set to come up against Ethan Ewing when Europe’s Grand Slam kicks off once more, was joined by Jett Schilling and others, ecstatic-eye’d, calling the incel superstar Tates “G’s”

Andrew Tate, needing to rock the media’s boat, keeping himself in the news, and knowing well that the World Surf League had pivoted hard woke in recent years, must certainly have been disappointed there was only deafening silence. Just seven years ago, the “global home of surfing” made the media rounds, pounding chest, declaring it the first sport’s governing body to codify equal pay betwixt men and women.

Tate, who has described women as “intrinsically lazy” also declares, “I’m a realist and when you’re a realist, you’re sexist. There’s no way you can be rooted in reality and not be sexist.”

The World Surf League, shockingly, joined the rest of surf media, including bastion of social consciousness The Inertia, in pretending the whole business never happened.

Almost definitely frustrated with the lack of “spicy,” Tate pivoted to a more surefire hit.

Ye West.

The self-identified Nazi has been on a tear, lately, beefing with Jay-Z and Beyonce’s young twins, Playboi Carti, the sun and multiple others including the mother of his four children, Kim Kardashian.

Per Page Six:

Kim Kardashian reportedly cut short her daughter North’s visit with Kanye West after learning that Andrew Tate and his brother, Tristan Tate, would be there, too. The Skims co-founder had her eldest child removed from her ex-husband’s care after security guards told her that the controversial Tate brothers were on their way.

West, it must be noted, just dropped a track featuring his daughter singing along with Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs over objections. No telling what the billionaire Kardashian would have done if she thought Houshmand was tailing along all googly as well. Cheetah-print hair menacingly purring.

North West, almost certainly, not allowed to attend the US Open of Surfing.

The question remaining, which finger symbols would Houshmand and his boys debuted at the Ye-Tate meeting?

Speed, power and flow.

“I was about in tears after we released that fish..."

Today, Thursday, March 20th, is officially the beginning of Spring, in the northern hemisphere, and with it, feelings of hope, rebirth and maybe a wildly boozy week on America’s eastern seaboard. Yes, Florida is home to some of the rowdiest Spring Break bacchanals in the entire world, very bad behavior from Miami (which has actually banned Spring Break) to Daytona to St. Augustine. Girls, and girl-adjacents, gone very wild.

The revelry does extend north, however, and fair Hatteras Island, North Carolina is where we lay our scene. The state’s Outer Banks have long been famous in surfing circles for their stunning sand-bottom tubes but right at the start of the vernal equinox has become famous for something else.

A massive great white shark caught, beached, then released by some fine tar heels.

Luke Beard and friends were fishing off the beach when they snagged the monster, fighting it for around 35-minutes before bringing it to shore for a photo opportunity.

“It just felt different. It was super heavy, very, very heavy,” Beard told the local news. “I’m still on cloud nine, I probably will be for the rest of my life.”

“It gives me kind of chills, even thinking about it, it was unbelievable,” his pal Jason Rosenfeld added.

Catching and keeping great whites is, of course, illegal as they are a federally protected species and their meat is filled with Girl Scout Cookie-level heavy metals.

“The biggest priority is keeping the fish safe and getting a good release on all fish that we catch,” Beard continued to explain. “I was about in tears after we released that fish. You never know if you’re ever going to be able to do that in your lifetime.”

After pushing and prodding, the beast, estimated to be around 13-feet and 1400 pounds, did make it back out into the lineup where memories of its torture will certainly haunt.

Will the monster exact revenge on surfers come hurricane season?

Well, wouldn’t you?

More as the story develops.