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Pasty surfer (pictured) in sheer panic. Photo: Instagram
Pasty surfer (pictured) in sheer panic. Photo: Instagram

Pasty surfers in sheer panic after Newport Beach bans large sunshades

“The primary purpose of this ordinance is to strengthen public safety during periods of high visitor activity and major holiday weeks in Newport Beach.”

The pasty surfer, skin the color of clotted cream, has long had a difficult row to hoe and especially in sun-soaked Southern California. It is a battle, straddling board in lineup, all kine radiation filling the morning sky. He can try to lather on zinc, she can pair a surf hat with lycra surf hood, but the best option has always been to erect a large shade on the beach, retreating under its protection between sessions or, if extra pasty, waves.

Sheer panic, then, in tony Newport Beach wherein the city council just moved to ban most sun deterrent structures in an effort to combat cray cray parties.

“The City of Newport Beach has experienced increased calls for service and NMBC (Newport Beach Municipal Code) violations related to large gatherings, excessive noise, alcohol-related offenses, illegal fireworks, and violations associated with short-term lodging units,” a staffer explained to elected officials, adding, “The primary purpose of this ordinance is to strengthen public safety during periods of high visitor activity and major holiday weeks in Newport Beach,” the report stated. “Short-term lodging owners and operators are responsible for informing guests of applicable local laws and taking reasonable steps to promote compliance.”

While most residents were happy to pour cold water on booze-fueled, sunshade-enhanced ragers, others were worried that the new ruling would inadvertently harm little girl birthday parties, one local parent asking, “Do you really want to keep some girls from having a party on the beach? There are generally existing laws in place to fix a lot of things. Noise ordinances, public drunkenness ordinances. To keep making new ordinances that haven’t been enforced previously … it’s just an exercise in looking good.” 

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Pasty surfers nodding in heavy agreement.

The new rules ban any shade larger than six feet and penalizes linking structures together and keeping the base firm by using a cooler, or esky, in Australian parlance.

City council members, in any case, uncaring about both children and pasty surfers, moving unanimously to approve the rule change.

Dark days, ahead, in Newport Beach.

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Or rather too-bright days.

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You're not serious

I don’t see the problem with putting up a bit of sun shade or canopy for a little gathering on the beach. What’s with all these rules, man? Chill out mister Beach Cop.

BograilCutback

Tiny looking board, nice to know some of us can hook it.

https://www.ecostinger.com/men-sun-protective-hood-balaclava-upf50-black-chlorine-resistant/?searchid=46784&search_query=Bala

What I wear, not nearly as cute as the model though. I wonder if he’s DR’s type

Brosted

Just let the kids have fun. Newport politics is embarrassing.

Brosted

Fascists

Picard Madeoff

Commifornia delivers what its voters crave. Yes, the government shall provide and protect citizens from themselves.

Com Turren
channelbottom

White Anglo-Saxon Protestant

snapper

The daytime version of the creeper that visited Nancy Guthrie at 1:47 am.

deeks

Fuck nice turn for a fat cunt

Occy's Nostril

Johnny Utah surfs at night cunts. No sun protection required.

Com Turren

Half Danish, half American WASP

Sean Connery

Just brothers from different mothers I suppose

Barrelled

I fucking tripped out the first time I went to the Sunshine Coast and the beaches evacuated at 11:00am in Peregian, repopulating about 1:30-2:00 (minus those surfing). That sun is no bullshit brutal.

Barnycle

Mankind is the BEST at passing new laws while not enforcing it existing laws.

Parliament always debating some new law, while leaving the corrupt police force to do as minimal work as they can get away with.

Sean Connery

My mom grew up in the 50’s/60’s putting on baby oil to tan. Now she has the pleasure of going to the dermy every 6 months so he can carve up her face. I’ll put on as much sunscreen as will keep me in the water and away from the dermy the longest. Its my war paint. Won’t do the water hat or hood though. Throws off my equilibrium/sense of direction.

Com Turren

I burn so easily even with reapplying sunscreen every hour that I had to just do the hood thing on my last trip to Mexico. Super disorienting if you’re gonna have it on trying to duck dive and get out the back or surfing on a wave. I just flipped it down when I got out the back and flipped it back when I saw a set coming.

Sean Connery

I do the same thing with a hood when its really really cold.

Sean Connery

I burn in the shade.

Com Turren

Vampire life ain’t easy

Otto

Just for shits and grins I donned a lucha libre luchador mask for a surf down in Mex. Equilibrium gone. Sense of direction gone. Depth perception gone. The depth perception part was super discombobulating.

Sean Connery

I sent my MAGA father in law a mask with Biden’s face on it during Covid.

Otto

Toying with the in-laws is almost a national past time

Hippy

We have a beach where the locals all wear hoods, even summer

I hated the lid.

Derek Hynd's Missing Fins

Here in the South a lot of the white people still wear hoods. Lost cause traitors.

Derek Hynd's Missing Fins

An Otto surf story! Hallelujah!

Otto

Las Gaviotas was always a fun family friendly Mex trip to take. K-38 just a little north, San Miguel a little south. Pretty fun wave out front when it had size. My kid asked me to don the mask, the wife downright demanded it while laughing her ass off. Good times.

Hippy

Las Gaviotas?

Barrelled

You’re going to break the Botto algorithm with that ? use.

Otto
Otto

I keep trying to post the link but Disqus is rather intent fucking with me saying it’s spam

Its las gaviotas bc dot com, but without the spaces. I reckon you can figure it out. Fun place. Houses you can rent. Would load up coolers with all the steaks, chicken, corn and veggies to Q , and another cooler for beers. Lots of fun. Super mellow, and can run super early surf missions at surrounding local breaks while leaving the wife and kid(s) behind without worry of safety.

Hippy

Marshmellow soft rights

Otto

What about the family friendly part did you miss?
do Hippy’s only ever hard charge, whether it be a pasture of cow patties shroom hunting, or wave hunting, never a thought about a missus or youngins in tow?

Hippy

I gave up on Northern Baja a long time ago, but I did enjoy La Fonda and Baja Malibu I get the family deal and I know a family that goes for the same reasons you do.

Also from HB

BograilCutback

I am of the olive melanin and I ain’t fucking with no skin cancer. Lycra hood for my bald ass head. Transcending ego. Agree though that is messes with the vision for a bit but I’d rather that than a brimmed hat holy shit.

@surfads

Brimmedhatbograilcutback? I got you https://uploads.disquscdn.c…

BograilCutback

All that brim is pushing him over his back foot, hence the bog!

Guessing from the photo he looks like one of those dudes that thinks turns happen with his arms and shoulders

Picard Madeoff

You’re lucky to not be follicle challenged as my sexy bald spot demands that I wear a hat so my dermy doesnt carve apart my skull.

Barrelled

This would be the typical case of poor behavior by some ruins it for most. Granted, this move by city of Newps is pretty inane and ridiculous.

Hippy

The hood was killed long time ago by investment

Com Turren

let’s be real, though—the people who do this are from the 909 for the most part

Hippy

Easy girls.

The ghetto was too fun to last, money wins again

Barnycle

Cameras everywhere means that the Sheriffs can no longer enforce the law in a Lebowski-like manner.


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