"If I was walking, I would give that paralysed person all the waves they wanted, because they're barely, rarely ever out in the water."
Ain’t it great that, for most of us, in a world full of curveballs our worst problem is a sticky rail, a pinched stance or, maybe, a long-term relationship with a girl who recoils at your twitching womb-scraper and dirty fingernails?
Anyway, while we weep, there are people out there who don’t got a thing in their limbs. No electricity. Not a twitch. Not a damn thing.
Remember Jesse Billauer, the pal of Kelly Slater and Rob Machado, who snapped his neck when he was 17 and who went on to pioneer surfing for other paraplegics and quadriplegics?
Jesse Billauer is forty-seven now, on wheels for the last thirty years, but is yet to lose his sense of humour.
In an appearance two days back on the Sterling Spencer and Cuz Show, Jese told a terrific story involving triple longboard world champ, Joel Tudor, who narrowly avoided a disembowelling or a date with the spinal surgeon at The Pipe back in December, and Garrett McNamara, G-Mac, who once held the record for riding the world’s longest wave.
The scene is this. Malibu. Jesse is riding prone, as you gotta do when you’re quad, and Garrett, G-Mac, drops in, a dangerous manouevre to the quad on the inside, for his face is very close to the drop-in’s surfboard, as Jesse Billauer elaborates on.
Jesse:
And we were in the beach, and I was changing, and Joel, he was talking to me, and Garrett walked over to me, and Joel put his arm around Garrett and was like, yo, you’re in Malibu, bro, you don’t drop in on Jesse. Like, nobody drops in on Jesse. And he was like, oh, man, sorry about that. He goes, no, nobody drops it on Jesse.
And seriously, like five seconds later, he choked out Garrett McNamara. And Garrett was on the floor. His girlfriend or wife at the time was like, I’m going to call the police. We’re calling the police. And Garrett wakes up and was like, whoa, that was gnarly. I’ll never drop it on you, man.
Jesse adds,
Joel always loves me. People look out for me and I really appreciate it. You know, like people don’t realise, but when you’re laying down on the surfboard and someone drops it on you, their board is right at your face. It’s really, really dangerous. And so anyone who’s like in front of me, when their board falls, it could just go straight into my face because that’s where I’m at.
So it’s dangerous. And look, I would, If I was walking, I would give that paralyzed person all the waves they wanted, because they’re barely, rarely ever out in the water. Like, I surf a couple times a month. So it’s like, just give a couple waves and then you can have it the rest of the whole month.
A good perspective to know.
Now let me put you in an ethical quagmire. You’re surfing Snapper, four-to-six, big as it gets pretty much, light sou-easter, sun’s out and so’s a thousand pals. Wave of the day spins through wide of the behind-the-rock pack. It’s an easy roll-in into the tube of your life.
As you paddle, and just on the inside of you, a quad is about to be launched into the wave.
Do you drop in or do you drop in?
And, later, how do you escape the expertly applied rear naked choke?
Hint: it ain’t easy but it ain’t impossible either.
Commented on Disqus? Log out, tap the Disqus button, and your old name and comments come back. The box is ours.
Your comments are still here. Every one of them.
Twelve years of BeachGrit comments came across from Disqus. Connect and we will show you how many are yours. We get your username, nothing else.
Connect Disqus to reveal.
I’m the worst in a fight – completely lose all sense of perspective once things escalate.
I never understood why when a choke is applied, the chokee(?) doesn’t just gap out & kill the choker – I mean deprivation of oxygen is murder territory, I’m definitely seeing/raising that!
Deprivation of blood to brain if applied correctly.
100% – idk how someone puts up with that without going full animal!
An inevitability to be sure
Lol care to share any cultural faux pas cunny?
Choke out everyone that drops in at Snapper. That would be a fuck load of people asleep on the beach.
I gotta think Tudor’s wanted to do that to G-Mac for a long time and this was just a solid opportunity.
I dunno, self-deprecating American writers ain’t hard to find.
let’emgo
Dave! Where y’been? Still shredding that dreamy right?
Impossible to put Ben Marcus in a rear-naked choke.
You reckon Joel has flashbacks of Danny at pipe everytime he puts on his bjj gi in order to psyche himself up?
Can you elaborate?
Anytime I roll into the tube of my life there is going to be a quad getting pushed in somewhere down the line, usually at the end right as I am about to come out.
That’s just how it goes….
You get out of it by fingering your bumhole and wiping it on them.
Xox
Photos or it didn’t happen.
it’s an adjustment because unless you know you think people are just rude as fuck hahahahaha
Garrett McNamara isn’t Hawaiian – 100% mainland haole, no Polynesian genetic material whatsoever.
Should a haole ever be labelled “Hawaiian”?
No, a haole should not be labelled “Hawaiian.” In modern usage, the term “Hawaiian” refers specifically to an ethnic identity and ancestry (Native Hawaiian/Kanaka Maoli), while “haole” refers to someone who is a foreigner or of European/White descent.
What if they speak pidgin real good?
Posers –
Even fluent Hawaiian speakers cannot change their genetics – still haole
I dare you to tell Eddie that to his face.
What if they are Japanese ?
Japanese is both an ethnicity AND a nationality, as is Korean, Chinese and oddly enough; German.
American, Brasileiro and Australian are not ethnicities – they are nationalities. Anyone of any ethnicity can be American, Brasileiro, Australian, French, British, etc.
“Hawaiian” is an ethnicity – not a nationality and not a casual placemarker, the term “Hawaiian” should be used ONLY for ethnic Hawaiians, not Haole, Japanese, Chinese, Filipinos, Portuguese, etc
well ill be fucked eh.
Brasil passports are considered one of the most valuable on the black market, as literally anyone can be a Brasilian – White, Black, Hispanic, Native American, Polynesian, Arab, Asian – literally ANY ethnicity can be a Brasil citizen without any questions being asked –
Long as you ain’t white you can sorta pass. Ideally, Polynesian blood forms the majority of your DNA.
Joel has grown to be a true legend, right or wrong. Surfing used to thrive on character. Joel is for real.
Shit, I remember when he was a grom ON A LONGBOARD with Chris Ahrens incessantly trying to promote (push) the boy-wonder. Man how time flys by.
Anyhoo, Joel Tudor, pissing off all the right people. The Style King.
he’s a dab hand at describing a womb scraper too.
Why not a bowel trowel?
Xox
Every story has a “surging phallus, rising to its magnificent full length and girth” with a trannie lurking somewhere –
A gal can dream.
Normally I’m applying a rear naked choke to myself and have no reason to escape it.
Gmac dropped in on Greg Long and almost killed Greg at Cortez Banks. I hate Gmac…worst style too.
I learned everything I need to know about that pos haole gmac on that one episode of 100 foot wave where his blow in ass didn’t let that local kid into the comp even though he was born and raised in Nazare and surfed the wave more probably more than anyone else because Gmac was concerned about safety and didn’t know if he could drive a ski.
Can we just stop calling Tudor a three times world champ? People who don’t know shit will think he’s someone important or one of the worlds greatest surfers. Let’s be real, while thousands of surfers line up to have a crack at being on the shortboard WCT there’s like about 30 blokes lining up to win a longboard world title. Most of are just like Tudor, failed short boarders who weren’t good enough to get trophies of at any level of short boarding and thought maybe I can win a trophy at longboarding seeing there’s fuckall competition.
I understand what you’re trying to say about the sizes of the tours but it’s also fair to point out that none of the shortboarders on the ct are also world class longboarders. You could take any of them and shove them in a longboard comp and they would look like beginners. Longboarding at that super high level actually is really skillful in the same way the surfing at a ct level on a shortboard is. The judging of it all just makes it seem silly and there are basically no consequences in 2’ waves.
Not on tour anymore but wasn’t Julian Wilson a Longboarder as a kid up in the Sunshine coast?
He’s the only one I can think of recently who legit rips on a longboard. But if you put even him out in a lineup with some of these guys who have unique styles and focus on that type of wave riding and I bet Julian is still well off the pace
Ha ha, Julian Wilson off the pace compared to Kai Ellice-Flint? Even Kai would laugh out loud at your comment. You obviously have no idea what your on about.
You’re obviously a longboarder and never heard of Julian Wilson or Stephanie Gilmore. They both would blow the respective current longboard world champs out of the water given a couple of week’s practice on a longboard. The fitness level alone is patently obvious just looking and comparing the athletes. You seem to think their completely different sports and skill sets, not true, a top shortboarder has transferable skills that include fitness and superior balance.
You don’t think Tudor has superior fitness and balance?
Not when he smokes 10 joints a day, no. Balancing on a longboard is like balancing on dining room table.
not to forget his perspicacity, his savvy acumen and brilliance of intellect and cognition – one of a kind – he should do more podcasts – stabmike next pls.
Also, most of the longboard dudes would rip on a shortboard too, they’re still world-class surfers.
Never recall Joel riding anything other than longboards, and then mid-lengths in certain conditions. He was logging as a grom, pink wetsuit be damned. So “failed short-boarder” doesn’t apply here. Nor does it apply to a host of others like Justin Quintal, for example.
I’ve ridden standard short board since 1980– never owned a longboard and can’t ride one either, so no bias. It’s not as easy as it looks to tip toe around on those things.
it’s pretty easy
It’s like snowboarding. Easy to ride at an intermediate level, getting into the higher belts on a log pretty dang hard. Or maybe not interesting enough to try for most of us.
The cross step cutback is the dumbest move in surfing. Or is it the sit-down mid ride longboarder? Anything beyond function is preening.
Preening is all I got left.
I can assure you Tudor competed in the USA shortboard competitions as a grom, did OK at first but then dropped down the rankings and switched to longboards where he flourished. I rest my case.
He was long boarding at an elite level as a grom. That’s the point. He obviously liked it more which explains his focus. Assuming that it was a switch due to failure rather than a preference is just you projecting your bias. Why not ask him? And what was cooler, hanging with Nat Young and DT or doing floaters at Pismo for points? We all make our own decisions…his was obviously the right one
he has surfed mid lengths /fishes…but longboards are where his passion is as he’s like a library of surfing’s cultural past……has an understanding of the era that spawned and was the birt place of surfing. He is constantly posting interesting old stories /tributes to an era gone by…..so he sorta lives with one foot in the past…..love his eccentricity’s/outspokenness and his love of controlling a situation. He’s a throwback to another era…old school rules….and he does it with class!
Joel Tudor blocked me on Instagram.
Didn’t like my attitude –
Been vibin pinch my salt.. a good mix of humour and surf dialogue without any POLITICS
can’t stand that weird little throaty whisper he talks in.
wtf is that all about?
Hahaha if you look past that and the dude holding the pillow.. the surf adjacent commentary is good. Recent guests been good too. The show grew on me over a few episodes
Stab Mic has taken its place for me though
Dooma and Dane are awesome.
That good.. hope they continue it
Yeah, Dane can’t help but be honest.
If you smoked as much weed and hash as Joel Tudor has over the past 40 odd years, your voice would sound like that as well.
“Palestine” is not a country – never has been, in 4 000 years of history
And never will be.
not a country, but was considered as a province of other empires under that name. Emperor Hadrian simply changed the name of Judea to Syria Palestina after the Jewish revolts, and before that, even the Greeks referred to the area as the Palestine province of Syria. The Arabs/Turks just kept the same name once they conquered the area.
not a country or a people…….in 70AD the Romans slaughtered about 1m Jews in Jerusalem, and completely demolished the temple , so the Jewish people were flung to the 4 corners of the earth……and the Romans renamed Jerusalem , syria/palestinia in an attempt to wipe out the Jews……and as an insult to Juadaism!
Yeah, well these are Romans we are talking about—you can’t completely destroy a Roman Legion at the Battle of Beth Horon in AD 66 and expect that they are just gonna let that slide
The Jews were one of the very few peoples that resisted Roman domination – for most, “becoming Roman” was a major advancement in civilisation.
Dacia was so enthusiastic about Roman rule, we still call the area “Romania” today –
well the Gauls certainly resisted until Ceasar came to town, but Judea was the only official Roman province to have actually taken down an entire Legion in its rebellion. Rome had to send 4 more Legions to go wreck house and send a message to its other provinces of what the price of rebellion was.
And – having finally defeated the annoying and militarily competent Jewish people in 70AD, they erected a magnificent stone arch to commemorate the occasion, the Arch of Titus; not far from the Colosseum, which one can still walk under today although many Jews choose to walk around the triumphal arch celebrating their defeat, not under
Absolutely correct – something you apparently learned in school or from a book and NOT from some random surf derelict in a carpark somewhere – congratulations.
“Not a country”
Thank You
No need to elaborate, if the so-called “Palestinians” were a people, which they are not and were not before Yasser Arafat and the PLO invented the concept of the “Palestinian People” in 1964, they would have been recognised as a country at some point in the past 4 000 years.
They have not been and they never will be – “Palestinians” are just random Arabs, which is what they were called before 1964.
idk, Arabs living in the region that was called Palestine has been a thing since the 7th century, country or no country. But suggesting that they don’t have the right to some form of political self determination today because those Arabs decided that they wanted to identify as “Palestinians” in the 20th century is also contrary to Western democratic values and norms. That being said, they really should have taken the two state proposal that the Jews agreed to as the British Palestinian mandate was expiring, because Bibi has now blown up any possibility of a two state solution for the foreseeable future—that won’t happen within the next 100 years at this point.
“the right to some form of political self determination today”
Not at all – the “Palestinians” do not meet ANY criteria for being a people –
“Palestinian” is not an ethnicity – they are just random Arabs, nothing unique or special.
“Palestinian” is not a language – they speak a standard dialect of Egyptian Arabic, again; nothing unique or special.
“Palestinian” is not a religion – most are Muslims, with a few Christians; mostly living safely in the State of Israel as these Christians would be persecuted or killed in all neighboring Arab Muslim countries.
The Kurds as opposed to the “Palestinians” meet ALL the criteria for a distinct people who deserve a sovereign nation, but do they have one?
They are a distinct ethnicity and they speak a distinctive Kurdish language, while most are Muslim there are distinct Kurdish religious sects like Yazidis who have been much persecuted by Islamic State Muslims.
So if “the right to some form of political self determination today” is an inherent right, why don’t the Kurds have an independent, sovereign nation-state to call their own?
They are far more qualified than the so-called “Palestinians” –
The Kurds are almost all citizens of other countries & as citizens receive their opportunity to partake in political process. Millions of Palestinians are stateless, not citizens of any country and receive no political representation or right to vote. This is what makes them different.
Do you ever worry about you own humanity, expressing views like ‘if you’re not a citizen, you’re not a person ‘? Ever heard the old adage about what denying another’s humanity says/does about your own humanity?
“no political representation or right to vote”
Rubbish.
The people of Gaza ELECTED Hamas as their political and military representatives in 2006, with full knowledge that the eradication of the State of Israel was an integral part of the Hamas charter.
The PA last held an ELECTION in 2005 – Mahmoud Abbas (Fatah) was elected for a four-year term but has remained in office since his mandate expired in 2009.
No elections? No political representation?
Complete rubbish. Bad representation is better than no representation –
Kurds got cute gals too.
How many times have you “roll(ed)-in into the tube of your life”?
yeah, I’d give it to him.
What’s that joint at Shellharbour in front of the lil rock groyne called, Cowries? Wildest roll-in to tube of life etc.
Shellharbour is a lovely place. overnighted there on our way to Summercloud.
South Coast is a completely different vibe than the rest of NSW.
never caught Cowries, but surfed another spot nearby that was pretty fun.