Watch: Conner and Parker Coffin’s three-day North Shore vacay!

Lifestyles of the rich, famous and beautiful-ish!

Who’s your favourite Coffin? Is it the older brother Conner, who is so beautiful you’d like to harvest his body organs, or little Parker, whose skin looks like grey liver mush?

I’ve always been a Conner fan although he did admit to me, once, that he sent Parker to ER when he smashed his ugly mug into a fire hydrant.

(Read about that here.)

This edit, by their lifelong filmer Ryan Perry, shows the brothers on a three-day furlough from the California winter and into a six-foot North Shore swell.

Of course, the edit is longer than necessary, eleven minutes, but this is the new way of the video vlog, and similar to the formless, and endless, hours of podcasting.

The pair surf Haleiwa because of the Backdoor Shootout going on at the Pipe stretch, they eat at Pupukea Grill and at one point Kelly Slater makes a cameo, the old man scanning the brothers over like a tray of deli slices.


Watch: Australia’s (maybe) Next Big Thing in “I’ll Make you Hot Till You’ve Had Enough!”

Hoo-ee, a swinging Gen Z tail-slinger…

Here we examine the Australian surfer Liam O’Brien, a three-time WQS event winner in 2018, in a slick two-and-a-half minute edit he sliced himself.

Liam’s filmer Billy Lee-Pope sent it to me a week or so ago but while I pondered its suitability for patrons of this website, it started popping up everywhere else. Surfer, Stab, and so on.

I said to Billy, if he could get the keys to the file and change the song to something more appropriate to our audience, I would loose on BeachGrit.

After a short consultation, I chose a Rick James classic.

James was famous for having a very acid ejaculit after a long, and mostly satisfying, $7000-a-week crack cocaine addiction. When he died, the autopsy found alprazolam, diazepam, bupropion, citalopram, hydrocodone, digoxin, chlorpheniramine, methamphetamine, and cocaine, of course, in his blood.

The song, called Give It To Me Baby, encapsulates Liam’s approach to waves.

Give it hard and give it fast. Oowee!

When I came home last night
You wouldn’t make love to me
You went fast to sleep
You wouldn’t even talk to me
You said I’m so crazy
Coming home intoxicated
I said I just wanna love you
I just wanna love you baby
That is why I’m so elated

C’mon girl, give it to me baby
Give it to me baby
Give it to me baby (give it to me baby), I betcha
I’ll make you hot till you’ve had enough
Give it to me baby (give it to me baby)
Just give it to me baby
Give it to me baby (give it to me baby), I betcha
I’ll make you hot till you’ve had enough

Give it to me
Give me that stuff that funk that sweet that funky stuff (say what)
(Give it to me)
Give me that stuff that funk that sweet that funky stuff (say what)
Give it to me, give it to me
Give it to me, give it to me
Give me that stuff
That sweet, funky stuff
Yoh ho, aw

(Give to me, baby)

When I was high as the sky
Out all night just dancing
You say let’s go home (c’mon Rick, I’m tired, let’s go home)
That’s the time I start romancin’
You say “how can I love you?” (how can I love you, baby?)
“When your body keeps on moving”
I say “wait til I squeeze you” (oh)
Maybe then you’ll start to groovin’ (c’mon girl)

Give it to me baby (give it to me baby)
Give it to me baby (give it to me baby), I betcha
I’ll make you hot like you had enough
Give it to me baby (give it to me baby)
Just give it to me baby
Give it to me baby (give it to me baby), I betcha
I’ll make you hot like you had enough

Give it to me
Give me that stuff that funk that sweet that funky stuff (say what)
(Give it to me)
Give me that stuff that funk that sweet that funky stuff (say what)
Give it to me, give it to me
Give it to me, give it to me
Give me that stuff
That sweet, funky stuff
Yoh ho, aw

(Hey Girl)
Give it to me what you say
Give it to me what you say
(Give it to me) what you say
(Give it to me) what you say
(Hey girl)
Give it to me what you say
Give it to me what you say
Give it to me
Give it to me (hey girl)
Give it to me what you say
Give it to me what you say
Give it to me
Give it to me (hey, girl)
Give it to me what you say
Give it to me right away
Give it to me
Give it to me (hey, girl)
Give it to me what you say
Give it to me what you say
Give it to me


Full-length Feature: Koa Rothman’s This is Livin’ The Movie!

"I hope you like it! Get fucked!"

The Hawaiian Koa Rothman, who is the handsome son of Fast Eddie Rothman and who has a stomach like wooden slats, has been the surprise packet in the surge of weekly YouTube vloggers.

Without formal training, Koa has revealed himself to be sharp enough to ad lib his way through each episode of his day-to-day life as a pro surfer.

In today’s reveal, Koa and his best friend Jack Germain, who films and edits, have sliced all the highlights from the last six months into what they call This is Livin’ The Movie.

Watch “super swells” hitting Fiji, Africa, Indonesia and so on.

I watched the whole thirty minutes this morning while drinking strawberry Yoo-Hoos and sitting in my new custom satin-covered beanbag chair.

And I enjoyed it very much.

 

 


Watch: Craig Anderson in “He’s a nice man who only wants to diddle you!”

Come stroll through the gardens of Craig Anderson's (and pals') beachfront palais… 

In this compelling short made by the magazine, Monster Children, we bounce on the knee of Craig Anderson, the South African who has made Australia, and specifically Newcastle, his home.

Craig is one of the the most alluring and memorable characters in surf of the last twenty-five years. I once watched a Jew supplicate himself before Craig at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem; the day before at the Jaffa Gate, American girls had swooned as Craig roared past on a Segway, your reporter in the hottest pursuit!

Craig lives in a multi-level beachfront-ish home with his three friends Lewie Dunne, Teale Vanner and Madeline Rae. Lewie and Teale are pro-level surfers, although not on the million-dollars-a-year tier Craig used to occupy when he applied stickers of mountains to his boards, while Madeleine is a pedagogue for little children.

Lewie has a dungeon decorated with plastic palm trees, Craig has the penthouse and the remaining couple nest in the middle somewhere.

At one point, Lewis goes through Craig’s clothes, thrilled as he catches a glimpse of himself in Craig’s shiny black leather outfit.


Board Review, 7S Double Down: “More high-performance than a Hypto, but way more friendly than a Ghost.”

Watch the video! See how many waves our test rider catches in one hour on crowded Gold Coast!

(Editor’s note: The surfboard tested, the 7s Double Down, was designed by the former tour surfer Richie Lovett who spruiks its ability to catch waves. Flat. Wide. Fast. A ton of volume. Our anonymous test rider was given a board that was five feet four inches long and twenty inches wide, and one hour. How many waves could he catch? Hit big play button and watch. Meanwhile, from our writer…)

I’m a terrible cynic, which offers the chief consolation of being usually right in my judgements.

The one object I do cleave to without prejudice is the surfboard.

I elevate the surfboard above nation state, blood and soil, free market, religion etc and I hold this to be a fundamentally rational stance. Over a millenia the way recombinant design elements have been blended into a functional whole to create a surfboard is a creative achievement up there with the evolution of DNA. 

If shaper/designers/board-builders worldwide get an extra piece of the action from Dirk Ziff’s famous rising tide then I think a concession to his vision would be appropriate. 

Today we discuss the 7S Double Down, the design brain-child of former CT surfer Richie Lovett. The pitch was to take the Double Down into the maw of summer crowds as an equaliser. My board, at 5’6” lacked the volume for that so I deputised my first born and only son and sent him into battle at the Pass. 

He’s eight, flame haired. Like all Aussie Rangas he’s scrappy, emotional and likes to punch above his weight. All things considered, life has dealt him a pretty fair hand. He paddled the forward-weighted outline easily to the top of the Point and swung on a set wave, putting a hustle on a Latvian blonde giant who straight-legged the takeoff.

My boyo snapped at his heels until Dolph Lundgren slipped off the back, then claimed it. Oh, he knows etiquette, but what do you tell your kids when they paddle out to the Pass, maybe the most crowded and chaotic surf spot on Earth? I tell them to keep eyes in the back of their head, fend off a foamie and dive for a leashless log. He got heaps. 

Australia lost its egalitarian flavour long ago. I blame soccer mums and their micro-sensitivity to status difference for that. Anxiety about status has become the default Australian psychological position.

The surfboard has not been exempt in contributing to the malaise. By that reading, a mid-range Asian board like the 7S sits well below higher status equipment like Volan hipster single-fins and custom shortboards, but still above more basic Asian-made boards.

It lacks the cultural cache of a Hypto Krypto or the Formula One connotation of a Cymatic. Functionally, they are well designed and manufactured. More high performance than a Hypto, but way more friendly than a Ghost. The Innegra Matrix build is light and would suit those advancing from foam equipment and into a shorter board.

If that were the case, volume it up. I suggest more volume than is recommended. One extra litre for you, one for Jesus. As purely utilitarian vehicles they do the job perfectly well for anyone else too. Although small for me, I was easily able to murder some closeout reos during a spate of head-high onshore surf.

I could see boards like these helping so many people. We hosted a German teenager as a method to bank a few shekels during the process. Shekels he easily ate week after week. He wanted to surf. I helped him buy a rotund mini-mal. Weeks later it wasn’t cool enough and he raided my quiver so he could put a shortboard under his arm. Progress halted. 

A French au pair followed the German. Corinne was from Alsace, with a teutonic steeliness and a white-hot hatred of the Australian male. She considered us boorish and uncouth, which is true I suppose. The Australian tradesman. a species I venerate, she held to be the devil incarnate.

She tolerated me because I said my favourite author was Stendahl (a lie, it’s Doestoevsky). Everyday she regaled us with tales of her surfing proficiency. She lectured my wife on the rights and wrongs of surfing style.

Finally, I thought, I have to see this French ingenue in action with my own eyes. Enquiring where she surfed I hid under a pandanus palm and watched the session unfold. A baroque warm-up followed by a paddle out then…nothing. She could not catch a wave on her tiny shortboard. Not one. She paddled in.

Corinne had a passion for the New Zealand Pakeha male which was the equal of her hatred for the Australian man and decamped soon after for Aeteoroa, hoping to find love. In another time, I could have slipped a 7S under her arm. She would have been better for it.

Tim Baker once gave a surf writing workshop modelled on American mythologist Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey. He would have been thrilled by noted commentor, now writer ChannelBottom’s journey into middle-aged purgatory followed by a raging against the dying of the light. The detail in the story that stood out to me was the 6’10” under the arm during the comeback. Not some narrow-nosed, thin Indo-style gun from the 90’s by chance?

He also spoke about the atrophied back foot. To which I say: get some width into you. Some area up front. Forget about the back foot. That’s fucking gone. Like the hair. 

If you’ve really let go of the surfboard as status symbol – no judgement if you have – then something like a 7S is as purely functional as anything else out there. It feels good.

Surprisingly so.