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Rumor: Big plans for Slater Wave Ranch!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Bigger than even allegedly hosting a WQS contest!

I was under the very distinct impression, when Kelly Slater revealed his Surf Ranch in Tulare County, California, that it was a prototype. My ex-wife, you see, is from Tulare County, California and I had to visit that region many times. Many many times. The place stinks of cow shit and depression. The whole place.

It has been forsaken by God and I hate it. And I hate her (read Welcome to Paradise, Now Go to Hell)! But Kelly. There is no way he, the greatest surfer of all-time, and my ex-wife have similar taste. She loves musical theater and crowdfunding. Kelly Slater loves Gisele Bundchen* and tropical barrels. His Wave Ranch was a prototype and he was going to transport his trough-less wonder to Los Angeles. Or Las Vegas. Or somewhere that doesn’t stink of cow shit and depression.

And maybe. But also the Surf Ranch is here to stay. A very very inside source tells me that Kelly Slater, aside from the rumored upcoming WQS event, is planning on “…hosting music concerts and festivals with the surf contests. Sounds similar to the Wave House in San Diego.”

Well awesome.

Fucking ex-wife.

But maybe it is awesome? Maybe people from Visalia and Fresno and Bakersfield and Tulare and Dinuba and Hanford and Corcoran and Earlimart and Lemoore will never ever ever ever go to the beach again because they have Pearl Jam concerts and barrel in their very own backyard?

Thank you, Kelly Slater! I always knew you were a genius!

*I ate dinner right next to Gisele Bunchen’s post-Kelly flame Tom Brady two nights ago. He looks so handsome in person. And so dumb. Kelly and Gisele would have cut a finer figure. How did this never formalize properly?