"If you're going to surf big waves," says Lewis Samuels, "be willing to fucking be held under. If you're going to surf in northern California you might get hit by a shark. It's part of surfing around here."

I SAW A GREAT WHITE ATTACK (UP CLOSE)!

By Derek Rielly

10 years ago

The writer Lewis Samuels and the day he watched his pal in the mouth of a giant shark…

Lewis Samuels is what you’d call a soul surfer if that term hadn’t been so corrupted. Lew surfs lonely big waves in the sharkiest of northern Californian waters and he ain’t afraid of either.

Lew has five pals who’ve been attacked by great white sharks. One, Royce Fraley, has been attacked… twice. Lew was there for one of ’em.

“We were really far out to sea, literally, about a kilometre out to sea. It took 45 minutes to paddle out,” says Lew. “Out of the corner of my eye there was this explosion. And as I turned around, I saw the shark breeching out of the water with him in its mouth. Then they fell down in an explosion of whitewater, like when a whale breaches. Fifteen feet is as big as a car and they’re a lot fatter in person than you’d think they would be. And he was in the fish’s mouth and there was this fucking impact in the water and then there was nothing there, gone, like a fucking whirlpool of displaced whitewater where he’d been. There was no one else near him, just another friend way up the line, and so when the attack happened, what are you fucking going to do? You’re not going to leave your friend out there.”

But, says, Lew, “Let me be fucking honest. My first fucking response was to paddle away. But I thought about it, he was my friend, and whether or not he comes up he needs my help. And so I paddled back over, got there and he popped up out of the water and he pretty much paddled up onto my back, literally, trying to get out of the water. I said, ‘It’s alright, man! Hold on! I’ll paddle you in, man!”

What does a shark attack victim look like? “I didn’t want to look. We were 45 minutes out to sea and I figured he’d have a leg missing. I had this 200 pound guy on my back but… he fucking seemed okay. We started paddling next to each other. A friend, Britt, a lifeguard, saw what happened from a distance and started paddling with us, checking him, and he goes, ‘Where’s he fucking hurt?’ It didn’t make sense. Finally, we got in, I ran to a pay phone a mile away ’cause there’s no cell phone service and when I got back down there he was with an ambulance.”

The injuries, says Lew, were “like little scratches. The whole attack was a like a cartoon, like a toothpick in a dog. The board had gotten stuck in the mouth of the shark and it didn’t clamp on him. He was holding onto the board as the shark took him under and he got the scratches when he bounced off the shark.”

Lew says he finds comfort in the fact that great whites in northern California are different to the more energetic South African and Australian breed. In that, they have a different hunting pattern. They might bite but they’ll let go after the initial bleed and wait for you to bleed out instead of taking you down straight away.

“That gives you time to get medical help,” says Lew.

How did the attack affect Lew? Did he surf the spot again?

“What are you going to do? I was out there the next day. The waves were good.”

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Tyler Wright turns her fury to Lowers, that longtime punching bag. | Photo: ASP/Rowland

Essentially Useless Stats For A Non-Essential Contest

By Blasphemy Rottmouth

10 years ago

You want stats from Trestles? Here's something audacious!

Just like the main games of NFL and NBA, stats are everything in surfing. Heat totals, heat-winning percentages, event wins, the tweaking upward (or downwards) of a surfer’s results depending on the location, surfer-against-surfer heat-win records. They all count. They all matter.

BeachGrit’s electronic-mail pal Blasphemy Rottmouth ain’t one to bend over and touch his toes for the white man (represented here by the governing body of professional surfing). His stats are on the razor edge of something you might wanna call humour. An intellectual buck dancer but with sophistication and style!

Chances a post-heat interview includes questions about: board size 59%, training regimen 46%, legal medical prescriptions 0%.

Commentators spend 6% of the time referencing a pro “enjoying himself” during a heat vs. 99% of the time a surfer is “checking off the criteria.”

Number of times ASP rulebook pages will be mentioned 80 times & the judging criteria 25 times while defining a subjective sport.

Zero piss cups will be filled after a heat with any surfers over 32 years of age, but there will be a combined 105 shots of Johnny Gannon’s lips and Maurice Cole’s beard.

Kelly Slater’s new brand “Outer Unknown” will be referenced -5 times in the same sentence with either Monsanto or Quiksilver.

At one point, a pro surfer’s heat winning percentage will mirror his chances at contracting an STD in San Clemente.

Kelly Slater’s heat winning chances in rounds 2, 3, 5, Quarters, Semi’s, and Final: 50%

ASP audience is comprised of 11% “trolls” and 92% surf industry employees… +/- 4%

Mick Fanning will apply the same number of lip smacks (47k) during a heat as Dooma Hardman did in 1987.

Commentators will mention the passion of brown people who claim 99% more than the 6% of white people they mention for their claiming and passion.

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The Association of Surfing Professionals, in its benevolence, has granted Hawaii what it wants, nay, what it deserves, most. Independence. When you watch the surf contest webcasts, you will notice that Hawaiian surfers are listed as “Hawaiian” and Californian, Floridian, Virginian, Mainer, Oregonian surfers are listed as “USA.”

Hawaii Secedes from the United States!

By Chas Smith

10 years ago

The ASP recognises Hawaii as its own, solemn, surfing nation. Pro surfing as nation builder!

Hawaii has always been an outlier, both literally and figuratively. It is the most isolated island chain on earth (so far away on very not good airlines. Horrible meal service! Bad sugary cocktails!) and was the last state received into the Union (in a rude way if you ask Dustin Barca. Stolen!).

Even the hardest-core, wildest-eye, Manifest Destiny-believing, Kansas City-dwelling lunatics will agree that Hawaii is “America” like Los Angeles is “America,” which is to say, not very much.

Due its unique nature there has been an active secessionist movement in the Aloha State since Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the “Hawaii Admission Act” in 1959. A movement routinely ignored by the power-hungry monsters in Washington D.C. All they want is hotel tax dollars. And a place to vacation with their mistresses while boogie-boarding the same waves that “our President-in-Chief” boogied when he was a younger man.

But the Association of Surfing Professionals, in its benevolence, has granted Hawaii what it wants, nay, what it deserves, most. Independence. When you watch the surf contest webcasts, you will notice that Hawaiian surfers are listed as “Hawaiian” and Californian, Floridian, Virginian, Mainer, Oregonian surfers are listed as “USA.”

What influence! What wisdom! And I called Dave Prodan, the handsome press secretary of the ASP to ask how the association came to such a decision. “Funny…” he said, (and I can’t believe he still speaks to me. Graham Stapleberg, if you are reading, and I know you are because you are an uncool little narcissist, believe me when I say, Dave Prodan is your best employee. By far!) “…I asked Wayne ‘Rabbit’ Bartholomew that same question when I first started working for the ASP nine years ago and he answered better than I ever could. He said, ‘The ASP recognises Hawaii as its own, solemn, surfing nation.’”

And there we go. Concepts of national identity fall like dominos before the idea of “solemn surfing nations.” The world could be much more easily, and frankly, clearly divided using this as a guideline. Would we be having religious strife in Iraq? Would we be having Ethnic trouble in the Central African Republic?

Yes! But who cares! They have no surf!

Yes, the ASP is setting the bar for nation building and I can only hope that governments around the globe are taking note. Surf dictates reality. It does for you. It does for me. It should for the rest of the world.

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"You have to learn to read a man and know when he's lookin' for fun and when what he really needs is for you to hold hims so he can cry his eyes out like a babe," says Pam. What else? "You have to learn how to listen." | Photo: Courtney Jaedtke

ASK PAM REYNOLDS: WHY SOLANGE BUZZED ON JAY-Z!

By Chas Smith

10 years ago

Advice straight from the French Bulldog owned by Mr Dane Reynolds and Ms Courtney Jaedtke (with audio!)

So here’s Pam, drinking strawberry Yoo-Hoos and sitting on a satin-covered beanbag chair, tellin’ how it is. “You have to learn to read a man and know when he’s lookin’ for fun and when what he really needs is for you to hold hims so he can cry his eyes out like a babe.” What else? “You have to learn how to listen.”

Write to Pam at [email protected]

WHY BEYONCÉ

Dear Pam,

You said you crush Beyonce harder than JayZ. What’s up with those guys anyhows? I want to know if Solange was justified in that whipping of the boy, elevator. Pam, you got insider traffic?

Monica, Denver

CHILL BACK A BIT

Dear Pam,

I have way to much anxiety. I am anxious when I put on my shoes, I am anxious when I talk to people, I am anxious when I order a burrito. All I want to do is be a badass. What do I do?

Love, Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate

BE COOL

Ayo Pam!

I have only one question and this is. How can I be cool like you?

Sincerely, Ashree

I BET SHE’S SPECIAL

Dear Pam,

My girlfriend say I smoke too much weed. What’s too much weed and should I break up with her?

Medicinal Only, CA

GET ALL THE GIRLS

Dear Pam,

What kinda bullshit gets the girls, Pam, like, seriously? I’m 25 and I ain’t got game.

Freddie, Lakeside.

WHO IS PAM? Pam Reynolds is a four-year-old French bulldog born on a ranch in Oregon, but left at the age of 13 weeks for a more fast paced life in Southern California. She currently resides in Carpinteria where she enjoys modelling, hunting and fashion. Her motto? LIVE FAST DIE YOUNG BULLDOGS DO IT WELL. Send your questions to [email protected] If you want to see Pam answer ‘em live, send an audio file. Get to know Pam on IG @pamlovesferrariboys.

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Ok, what kinda hierarchy exists tween these bro's. "John's obviously way ahead of me and Ivan performance-wise, I feel like," says Nathan. "He has the super competitive drive. He loves the contests whereas I… hate contests. I can't stand them. I'd rather chase a swell and surf by myself in bigger waves than go grind it out in the CT. Ivan's the same way, kinda. But then, Ivan has a sicker style. His style is way sicker me or John's. We each have our little pluses. John is a super human." | Photo: The Florence family archives

NATHAN FLORENCE HAS A MAGNIFICENT HARD-ON!

By Derek Rielly

10 years ago

…for big waves, presidential primaries and the possibility of becoming superman…

Twenty-ish years old and already the middle Florence bro has accumulated much street wisdoms. He ain’t one for getting looped but ain’t afraid of a beer or two either. He realises the gift his big bro has for gals (even if John don’t) and his eyeballs will protrude and oscillate wildly when he sees big waves.

BeachGrit likes! Let’s French!

What are your favourite sounds?

I like the sound of the waves when I go to sleep. We grew up directly opposite the beach and it was always there. You don’t even realise that you like that sound until you stay the night somewhere where you can’t hear it. It’s an addicting sound. It’s a rumbling. There’s a constant static roar and then you’ll hear the sets break… purrrraaah… yeah, that must’ve been a big one. If it’s really big and you can really hear the big ones and the windows shake a little bit, that excites me. It’s a little harder to sleep when you know it’s going to be big in the morning and then it’s calming when it’s summertime and it’s just hitting the beach… super slow.

Tell me about where you live now…

We live directly next to the lifeguard stand at Pipe, right on the beach. My bedroom is in the middle. I share a bedroom with my younger brother Ivan. We have a bunk bed. He’s in the top bunk, I’m on the bottom bunk. It’s a little cave.

In your reading, what books have moved you?

It’s hard to explain books because after you read one, you’ll always say that was the best book I’ve ever read. But then you read the next one and you’re, like… that one… was the favourite book I’ve ever read. Then you read another one and that is. As you read the next one you forget about the one before. I’ve never read a book I didn’t like ’cause after the first chapter, if I don’t like it, I just put it down. The ones that I finish are the ones that instantly drag you in. I read all the Game of Thrones books. I finished ’em a couple of months ago. Those things are… so… sick. I seriously finished them in a month, I read every one, there’s seven of ’em.

When do you read?

Right before I go to bed or after surfing, whenever you have time to relax and lay down for a second. Especially in airports. That’s when you really fly through them. I get through, in a session, maybe a hundred pages. I never fall asleep reading. People say they get sick reading in a car but that’s my favourite time to read cause car rides are… boring.

What book inspired you to read when you were a child?

The first book I read, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when I was in third grade (six years old). Before that I hated reading. My teacher gave it to me and said, just read this book, maybe you’ll be more psyched on reading after this And I read it, and there’s like seven of those, and, she was right, I …so… psyched on it. And… boom… I read all that series. My grandpa reads a ton so he’s always sending me the books he finishes. He likes the same kinds of books that I like.

What is heaven for you?

When the waves are firing at home in late winter. Pipe’s going off and everyone’s tired of surfing already ’cause it’s been, like, a week and it’s me and my friends cruising and we’ve surfed all day and relaxing, drinking a couple of beers. You look around, well, I do anyway, and say, yup, this is exactly how I want to live.

What is the most remarkable thing you’ve seen in big waves?

I’ve seen some crazy stuff John’s done in person. John’s always blowing minds getting barrels. Koa’s last wave in Tahiti was pretty baffling. The Code Red swell (August 27, 2011) was the sickest thing I’ve ever seen in big waves. I love how they’re all eating shit on ’em. And these are the types of waves when people make ’em everyone says, “Oh, if you’d fallen you would’ve died for sure.” But, then, those guys were eating shit on the gnarliest waves possible and surviving perfectly. Nate’s (Fletcher’s) wave. Think about it. If he had made that wave, everyone would’ve said, “There’s no way you would’ve survived if you hadn’t made it. You would’ve died, f’sure.” But he ate shit in the gnarliest part and then…fucken… handled it. That’s the sickest part. When they get the bomb, travel, travel, travel and then… eat… shit. Wipeouts are my favourite.

Does it give you confidence in your own pursuit of big waves seeing guys eat shit and nothing happening?

Definitely. Whenever you’re going into a big swell, your mind is…it’s a constant little stress case mind battle, I could die, I could die, I could die, but then the thing about those guys is that’s way gnarlier than anything I’ve ever surfed so it’s fate whether you die or not. You don’t have a choice. Those guys were surviving, so fuck…

What’s the gnarliest wave you’ve ridden?

Surfing Chopes. I haven’t had gnarly tow in experience out there, really, eating it really bad on a big one, but just the paddling sessions I’ve had with my brothers and Koa (Rothman) and Eli (Olson) and Kiron (Jabour), those have been the scariest. And surfing Himalayas. We got caught inside on a fucking 30-footer last winter and that was the gnarliest thing I’ve ever been through. I made it through the back but I watched Eli get sucked over the falls on the biggest wave ever. Hollllly shit!

How would you describe the hierarchy between the three brothers?

We’re all even to each other. John’s obviously way ahead of me and Ivan performance-wise, I feel like. He has the super competitive drive. He loves the contests whereas I… hate contests. I can’t stand them. I’d rather chase a swell and surf by myself in bigger waves than go grind it out in the CT. Ivan’s the same way, kinda. But then, Ivan has a sicker style. His style is way sicker me or John’s. We each have our little pluses. John is a super human.

Describe Ivan’s style.

I don’t even know how he’s so smooth, like, Tom Curren and then he has that little drop-knee like…that guy…that air guy… with the long, curly hair and he kinda drop knees…

Craig Anderson…

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he has a sick little drop-knee thing…

How would you describe the personality types of the brothers?

Ivan is a serious little guy. Very serious little face. I’m more of the sarcastic one who’s making a joke out of everything and then John is just right in between. He can be super mature, just ’cause he has to deal with so many interviews and business-like stuff, but then at the same time he’s more immature than me and Ivan… especially when he gets drunk.

What does he do when he’s boozed?

He looks like a little kid. He looks like a five year old.

What’s the worst insult you’ve ever received?

I’ve never been super super rousted or else I didn’t even take it to heart.

What’s the cruellest thing John or Ivan has said to you?

I can tell you the cruellest thing ever done to me. When I was 10, John threw a rock at my face and knocked out all my front teeth. It was completely by accident. He meant to throw the rock at me but he didn’t mean to knock out all my teeth. He threw it from 50 feet away. He had perfect aim somehow. I was bodysurfing and he wanted to go up to the house and I said I wanted to stay bodysurfing and then he wanted to get my attention so he started throwing rocks at me. I remember, he was 50 feet away and he winged it, and I watched it arc up and I was looking at it and I was, like, ooh, that kinda looks like it’s coming at me and it was, like, shit, it’s going to hit me and before I could even try and dodge it the thing just smashed into my mouth. I was crunching and I thought the rock had broken on my teeth so I spit it all out and it was all my teeth. I ran up to the house…

What did Alex do?

She was all pissed. We put ice on my teeth but all the nerves were exposed so the ice hurt super bad and then John got a spanking or something. He got rousted super hard for that one. I felt bad for him.

If you ever wanted to get under John’s skin, how would you insult him?

Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm. By telling him he was cocky.

He doesn’t like that?

No, he doesn’t like that. Telling him he’s number one, “Oh, sorry, sorry, John, you’re number one, you’re the guy, we’re sorry!” (Laughter) That’s upsetting to him. He tries to play it down, “Oh, you’re the guy, you’re the guy.” But he knows it’s half-true so he can’t deny it…compleeeetly… but he doesn’t want to be, he’s so modest that he gets super irritated that someone thinks he’s cocky.

What’s right with the world?

I have no idea what’s right with the world? What do you think is right with the world?

I think what’s right with the world is that everyone is richer beyond their wildest imaginations and kids aren’t crippled with polio and there’s no world war…

…that’s true…

…and there hasn’t been a nuclear explosion in 80 years…

Mmmmhmmm. Those are all pluses.

…and Obama’s president…

You think so?

Oh, I do.

I’ve never thought about presidents at all. I never focus on such things.

To me, it indicates the strength of American society when it elects someone as intellectual as Obama…twice…

I was actually thinking it would be sick if they chose the president by a Gladiator’s tournament. The guys have to be super smart but super good at warfare fighting stuff, too. Like they have to fight their way to the top. They put ’em through a maze kinda thing straight into a battle thing so that our president would be, like, the gnarliest fighter and (italics) the smartest. Then there’s not some guy just giving orders. He could go and destroy (italics) if he wanted to.

What do you like most about yourself?

I seem to be able to get along with people. I guess that’s a plus.

What do you find hard?

Airs. I can’t do airs, surfing.

At what level can’t you do airs. Can you land a straight air, a little air rev or are you bereft of wings?

I’ve landed three air reverses in my whole life.

Where does the problem lay, in the mechanics or the lack of desire?

First, I never thought of them. I didn’t care about ’em and then the way people started doing airs, like John, Matt and Albee, those things are actually nuts and then I started trying to do airs. And I just realised that I was a complete failure at them. The mechanics are foreign to me. I can get myself in the air but no matter what, when I land on my board, I’m eating shit.

Is there anything you wonder about?

I wonder why I can’t be a super hero.

Do you want to be a super hero?

Yeah. I would like to be Superman. I wonder why there’s none of those in the world. No straight super-humans. How sick would that be?

Oh, it would be a thrill!

I’m bummed I can’t be a super… human. Like the Spartans in Halo or straight Superman himself: laser vision, indestructible. How sick would that be? There’s nothing like that, there’s no way you could possibly beat that.

I wonder if life might seem unsatisfying without danger or fear.

I guess that’s true. There’d have to be some flaw involved. But I think it would be amazing, too. If you ever got frustrated you could destroy whole trees. You could destroy an entire village (with nobody in it).

That would be satisfying.

Yes, that would be satisfying.

You are so wise for a professional surfer.

(Mid-level shriek) Ha!

I don’t think I’ve ever encountered such wisdom…

Thank you, sir.

(Editor’s note: This story appeared in a slightly longer form in the print edition of Stab magazine. Again, we repackage an recycle! Like Jon Rose and his magic water! And Vissla, of course!)

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