You want stats from Trestles? Here's something audacious!
Just like the main games of NFL and NBA, stats are everything in surfing. Heat totals, heat-winning percentages, event wins, the tweaking upward (or downwards) of a surfer’s results depending on the location, surfer-against-surfer heat-win records. They all count. They all matter.
BeachGrit’s electronic-mail pal Blasphemy Rottmouth ain’t one to bend over and touch his toes for the white man (represented here by the governing body of professional surfing). His stats are on the razor edge of something you might wanna call humour. An intellectual buck dancer but with sophistication and style!
Chances a post-heat interview includes questions about: board size 59%, training regimen 46%, legal medical prescriptions 0%.
Commentators spend 6% of the time referencing a pro “enjoying himself” during a heat vs. 99% of the time a surfer is “checking off the criteria.”
Number of times ASP rulebook pages will be mentioned 80 times & the judging criteria 25 times while defining a subjective sport.
Zero piss cups will be filled after a heat with any surfers over 32 years of age, but there will be a combined 105 shots of Johnny Gannon’s lips and Maurice Cole’s beard.
Kelly Slater’s new brand “Outer Unknown” will be referenced -5 times in the same sentence with either Monsanto or Quiksilver.
At one point, a pro surfer’s heat winning percentage will mirror his chances at contracting an STD in San Clemente.
Kelly Slater’s heat winning chances in rounds 2, 3, 5, Quarters, Semi’s, and Final: 50%
ASP audience is comprised of 11% “trolls” and 92% surf industry employees… +/- 4%
Mick Fanning will apply the same number of lip smacks (47k) during a heat as Dooma Hardman did in 1987.
Commentators will mention the passion of brown people who claim 99% more than the 6% of white people they mention for their claiming and passion.