The people of the USA fit into five very neat categories. Cheating Californians to fashionable New Yorkers!
America is a big country. And by America I mean the United States of. No one calls Canada, Mexico or Brazil America. It is a big country, a historically young country, with varied and jaw-dropping geography. It has soaring mountains, tropical coastlines, vast deserts, teeming metropolises and small, backward hamlets. Many people called, Americans, live here. And the bigness and the many-ness and varied-ness might intimidate the non-American but it need not. Americans are simple and can be broken into five categories based upon where they were raised, as well as four outlying categories based on religion and belief.
1. Northeasterners: Northeasterners originally hail from New York or Boston or Philadelphia. They are loud and brash and love to advertise their opinions and do so with jarring accents. They love to complain about the cold and complain about the heat and complain about taxes and complain about their sport’s teams. The men bald early. The women shrink and become round with age. Northeasterners have an ethnic mix of Italian, Irish, Dominican. They work as taxi cab drivers and garbage men. They find pleasure in their sport’s teams. Some of them, in New York, find pleasure in owning the best city in the world and being fashionable and being gay.
2. Southerners: Southerners tried to separate from the rest of America during the Civil War. They loved to own black people. And so they fought the rest of America so they could own black people but they lost and now many black people are Southerners. The white Southerners say, secretly in parlor rooms, “The south will rise again!” And nobody knows what they mean by this. Nobody knows if they mean owing black people will someday become a reality again or something else. They love eating delicate fried foods. They love listening to rap music or zydeco music or country music. They move slowly and are also slow to wrath. Their accents are pleasant and their skin is, often, very good. Clean.
“Southerners tried to separate from the rest of America during the Civil War. They loved to own black people. And so they fought the rest of America so they could own black people but they lost and now many black people are Southerners.”
3. Fly-overs: Everyone in the middle. Nobody cares about them but they are the heart of America. They vote in elections. They have small dreams and drive big cars. They work in manufacturing. They are all Germans.
4. Californians: A country unto itself. Californians come from everywhere but once in California become Californians. They are vain. They make movies. The women augment their breasts and the men cheat on the women. They drink fancy cocktails and have an ethnic mix of non-descript white and Mexican. The Mexican cuts the non-descript white’s grass. Some Californians make computers and things and these Californians become very rich
5. Pacific Northwesterners: Pac-Northwesterners are only white. They live in the trees and cut the trees down for work. They listen to loud and angry rock n roll and drink coffee and drink fancy beer. They smoke marijuana and grow marijuana but all this marijuana and beer and coffee does not lighten their moods because it rains on them 325 days a year. They become depressed. They write loud and angry rock n roll songs. They wish that everyone else in America was more eco friendly but they also cut down trees for work. And then they commit suicide. Kurt Cobain is Pacific-Northwesterner.
Native Americans, which includes Hawaiians. They are angry. They feel robbed. They act out, aggressively.
Jews are everywhere, or these are the conspiracies that foment. They own Hollywood and fight with the Masons for control of Washington D.C.
Mormons are creepy and genuinely foment conspiracy.
Libertarians own guns and live in the hills and shoot at anything that moves.