The Ultimate Waterman (a
competition in New Zealand. Read here!) is, clearly dumb, as is
Laird’s hydrofoil surfboard, but I must say, as cynical as I am, it
might maybe maybe look cool if he wasn’t wearing three bulletproof
vests underneath his teal sweatshirt.
In any case, the Ultimate Waterman is dumb. But the best part of
this whole video clip comes at minute 1:17 when Laird says, “Well
you know for me when I look at the ultimate waterman…the ultimate
waterman is…is…gonna be…uhhhhh humble.” And then he goes on a
cackling spree. He cackles like an evil step-mother at the massive
irony of using the word “humble” to describe anything he does. And,
if I’m going to keep being honest, I love it!
Athletes have been using the word “humble” to describe their
super humanity for so long that it has just become a part of the
post-event interview process. “Ohhhhh that victory really humbled
me…” “It humbles me to win the most valuable player award…” “I’m
humbled by being the best…” It is said so often, and so straight
faced, that the very word has lost any real meaning. But Laird
Hamilton correctly realizes the satirical nature of a man such as
himself using a word like “humble” in any context. And it is
amazing.
Thank you Laird for being a total dick. You are doing your small
part to save the English language from the likes of Russell Wilson
and Roger Federer and Sally Pearson. Humble.
CackleCackleCackleCackleCackleCackle.
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Wait! That thing about White Men Owning the
World?
By Rory Parker
It ain't true, baby!
As a frequent contributor to
BeachGrit, I was sickened to find myself
associated with the left-wing apologist propaganda posted in the
form of Beau Andrews’s recent piece, “White Men Rule the
World.”
Oh yes, “White men rule the world,” says the wide-eyed child,
half a semester into his first gender studies class and positive he
knows it all.
“The books and teachers say I’m bad because of how I was born,
never mind that I’ve no real life experience to draw from in order
to make an informed judgment. Please, please, I need to know how to
atone for the white man’s sins! There’s no one who can better tell
everyone how to live than some self-hating, cloistered intellectual
type!”
Guess again son. Let me tell you how hard it really is to make
it in this world.
“You grew up relatively well off, were told you could do
anything, got a good education and most likely, got a decent paying
job. “
I’ll have you know that my wife works her fingers to the bone to
earn my money. She slaves away in the local courthouse from before
dawn ’til four-ish, dedicating her life to putting away the worst
that society has to offer, unrepentant criminals who glory in their
defiance of the compact we call society.
I can hear you now, “But the system is biased. Mandatory jail
time and exorbitant fines for minor offenses only serves to create
situations in which people become trapped in the system due to bad
luck and lack of financial resources.” Well, then I guess you’d be
okay living in a world where forgetting to renew your car insurance
or being too busy to replace a lost drivers license is no big deal.
Where maniacs driving ten miles over the speed limit on isolated
country back roads is just fine and dandy. Where law flouting
minorities run rough shod over what makes America great – its
ability to enact and apply bureaucratic requirements and
consistently punish those who run afoul of them.
“…no one picked on you because of your race, gender or
sexuality.”
Mr Andrews has obviously never encountered the racism
rampant in our beloved Hawaiian islands. The word haole is dropped
without a second thought on a regular occasion, perpetrators
completely unaware of the pain that it causes. To be constantly
identified and judged based on the color of your skin is an
agonizing experience, a daily reminder of your outsider status.
The questions, “How are you enjoying your trip?” and “Where are
you visiting from?” spill from smiling mouths, secure in their
belief that I must be a tourist interloper. Fleece me and
send me home, that’s all they really want to do. Guess what? I live
here. Just because I choose to dress in an aloha shirt and
khaki shorts doesn’t make me some second class citizen. I’m a human
being, I don’t deserve to be judged solely on my skin tone and
fashion sense.
Let’s not forget the joy of eating out. All I want is some spicy
ahi poke, a piece of fried chicken, and two scoops of white rice
without being reminded of my inferior social status. Yet, every
time, there’s the fork. The three guys in front of me get
chopsticks, the lady behind too. But every time I go to pay,
there’s that plastic fucking fork. I know how to use chopsticks,
damnit! This is exactly what Bill Cosby meant when he
talked about the subtle racism of lowered expectations.
Then there’s being forced to show identification in order to get
a kama’aina discount… I can’t even begin to explain how the
humiliation eats at your soul.
“…if you are dark skinned, stand with a wider stance,
and don’t speak English well (in short, you are Brazilian), then
you are likely to be vilified with a religious fervour
[sic].”
Oh, how they are vilified! Forced to suckle the sweet
teat of government assistance, qualifying for low-cost insurance
coverage, being gifted section 8 housing in the finest of
neighborhoods; that sure sounds terrible. Meanwhile I sit, an
underemployed freelance writer who doesn’t get a dime, ostracized
by the very system my wife pays into because we “earn enough to
support a family of four.” Everything we have, we earned. We pulled
ourselves up by the proverbial bootstraps, fighting our way out of
a Southern California beach suburb, only a dream and sheer
determination and parents who paid off our student loans to make it
possible.
Your domination is under siege, so make the most of it
while you can.
My domain is under siege. There was a time when this
country was great, when true men ruled the roost and the rest of
the world knew to heed our demands or be punished. It was an age
when the color of your skin didn’t matter, when anyone could
achieve to the utmost of their potential. Life was a sink or swim
proposition, the cream rose while the worthless masses supported
the great.
We live in an era of excuses, where mollycoddled degenerates
bemoan a fate created by their own bad decisions and lack of drive.
I say to them, stop looking for a hand out, start looking to your
betters. They are the stewards who will lead you to a brighter
tomorrow.
And stop blaming my success on the color of my skin. My every
day is a struggle and no one could possibly have it any harder than
me.
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Morgan Maassen
Kelly’s Wave of the Year!
By Derek Rielly
Last year might've been a stinker for KS, but there
was that one wave…
Ain’t a lot of surprises at the tour’s ball each
year. Held in a cavernous conference centre that recently
hosted the world tattoo championships, and overlooking the Gold
Coast Highway, the prizes are mostly predetermined.
World champs? Gabs and Stephanie.
Runner-ups? Mick and Tyler.
But who cares when the best surfers in the world are trussed up
in their suits and dresses and we get to taste the highlights of a
year marked by three remarkable events: Gabriel’s world title,
Kelly’s stinker of a year (relative!) and Julian Wilson’s
redemption song.
And Kelly’s wave of the year, in his heat of the year against
John John Florence? Have you ever seen anything more perfectly
ridden or so astutely scored by the judges? Tens, of course.
And Julian’s move of the year?
Watch ’em here! (Or click on the monstrous play
button on the photo.)
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White Men Own the World
By Beau Andrews
I enjoy white heterosexual male privilege and if
you are reading this, then it is likely that you do too.
Let me guess. You grew up relatively well
off, were told you could do anything, got a good education and most
likely, got a decent paying job. You might have endured some casual
bullying, but no one picked on you because of your race, gender or
sexuality.
Similarly, when interviewed for your job, you were probably
deemed more competent and reliable candidate because you don’t have
a vagina and dark skin. Statistics say that you are probably paid
more thanks to this fact. The system is made for you by you, but
you fail to realise it, because you have blindly gorge yourself
from the trough, nor have you been the one missing out on the good
times. You think those dissenters are just screwballs. More so,
since you are reading this, you are likely to be a surfer.
Therefore, you enjoy white heterosexual male stand-up surfing
privilege.
Surfing is a white man’s game. Yes, we had a Brazilian world
champion last year, a couple of Hawaiians of indigenous stock, and
who can forget Felipe Pomar who won the ISF World Championships in
1965? This leaves the rest, and these fellows are all your
archetypical white males.
Yes, you will go to Hawaii and watch indigenous surfers rip.
They are still likely to be less well off in life as you. Your
slightly above average white kid in Australia or California is more
likely than them to get sponsored based upon marketability (Eddie
Rothman is right to a degree) and their white privilege.
Afterwards, they are less likely to do as well as their white
counterparts. Go anywhere where there are indigenous people who
have been colonised, and the results will be the same. Furthermore,
if you are dark skinned, stand with a wider stance, and don’t speak
English well (in short, you are Brazilian), then you are likely to
be vilified with a religious fervour.
The absence of vaginas on the above white world champions means
that they don’t have arm chair commentators belittling them for
their well-developed upper bodies, or their appearance in a bikini
and how unbelievably boring their surfing is. No one calls them
lesbians just because they are audacious and assertive. They don’t
have to live up to the impossible standard set by others, they set
the standard. Collectively, we then pressure those who are not them
to try live up to that standard while cutting them down in the
process.
Grommet abuse you say? Of course, you were pissed on and thrown
down hills while strapped into deck chairs. However, as you grew
older and gained the respect of your fellow white heterosexual
males, you became one of them, they accepted you until you were the
one dishing out the abuse. No one called you dick dragger, cripple
or goat boater and burned you for your existential sins. No, you
sir, have lived the privileged life.
“So what of it?” You ask. “You are just a self-hating man who
can’t surf.” You say.
No my friend, it is great. It means I can do almost anything in
the line-up. It means that you, my fellow middle-class white
heterosexual male stand-up surfer can do anything you wish to do
too. You can paddle around the middle-aged woman on a mal and
take the inside. You can drop-in on the gay Brazilian body boarder
without anyone flinching. Just ogle that cute girl’s bikini clad
arse as she paddles in front of you if you want. After all, it is
her fault for wearing such clothing. That trans-gender surfer?
Unless it is Westerly Windina (And I am not sure that even then it
would matter), no one is likely to tut-tut you. That knee-boarder?
Fuck him and his crippling disability, burn him and make him know
that he is inferior to you and your virile manliness.
Do as you please my fellow middle-class white heterosexual male
stand-up surfers for there are no bleeding heart liberals in the
sea. The laws of land do not apply here so while you are at it,
purge the seas of all traces of those despicable SUPs. Your
domination is under siege, so make the most of it while you
can.
Just do not, and I repeat, DO NOT drop-in on your fellow
middle-class white heterosexual male stand-up surfer! Because that
is against all decency and is not in the spirit of liberty and you
will be sent to hell for such abominable behaviour. Just kidding!
Prey on the weak and engage in a war of all against all, so that if
Thomas Hobbes were still alive, he would make you the basis for the
Leviathan, because that is the white male way.
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There’s room for one more. You!
By Chas Smith
The WSL is hiring another inspired voice! Do you
have what it takes?
Do you dream of being very dull? Does not
getting paid inspire? Is Pat Parnell a personal hero? Than I have a
job for you!
The World Surf League is hiring voice over artists! Girls, stop
reading NOW because the WSL is only looking for a Todd Kline aged
21-40.
“The perfect candidate will have strong experience in sports
voice over and be able to handle the highs and lows of the sport
through dramatic and articulate storytelling, we are searching for
a Los Angeles based youthful voice that can exude fun, drama and
excitement.”
Hello future!
Just record yourself reading in an overly excited voice (hint:
don’t move any part of your body while speaking!)…
ACT 1: (COLD OPEN) The Men’s 2014 Samsung Galaxy ASP World
Championship Tour saw a season filled with outstanding
victories. (Announcers / footage) Bitter defeats. (Announcers /
footage) And some of the best competitive surfing ever
witnessed. (Announcers / footage) 34 of the worlds best male
surfers, from rookies to World Champs, representing nine different
countries, traveled to some of the most exotic and legendary surf
breaks the planet has to offer with one goal in mind… to become the
undisputed ASP World Champion. (GFX OPEN) In 2014, the
Association of Surfing Professionals took the top Men’s competitors
on the planet to eleven iconic locations to crown the best surfer
in the world. At each stop, every competitor had the chance to earn
up to 10,000 points for a contest win. Those points would continue
to build with each event, and at the end of the tour the surfer
with the highest point tally would win the title of ASP World
Champion. Every event, every wave and every point is important.
In the hunt, top ten ranked surfers Adriano De Souza, Michel
Bourez and 2012 World Champion Joel Parkinson returned to stake
their claim amongst the best in the world.
And then email it to Graham Stapelberg! You’ll have to buy your
own ticket to events, pay for your own room/food and pay your own
salary but you’ll get to watch Occy sing lots of karaoke. What
could be better than that besides everything?
Don’t hesitate. Todd Kline is lonely.
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros