American Storm falters in Brazil!

Kolohe, Brett, CJ thrown down martyrs well, day two of the Oi Rio Pro… 

Three weeks ago, it was reported, here, that “an American Storm cometh! Yes, an American Storm brews in the land of caipirinha and capoeira and New York Times fascination (read here!). A red, white and blue deluge ready to pour out upon the land. CJ Hobgood is going to do the thing no one can imagine and beat Wiggolly Dantas and Gabby Medina in heat one. Brett Simpson is going to do the thing no one can imagine and score over 10 points. Jack Freestone is going to do the thing no one can imagine and be given a wildcard spot. Kolohe Andino is going to do the thing no one can imagine and win the entire event.”

Overnight at the Oi Rio Pro, however, a conflux of events, a storm of an unexpected sort, combined for a bloodbath not seen on earth since the Bibighar Massacre, when 120 British women and children captured by the Sepoy forces in India were killed and dismembered with meat cleavers, their remains thrown down a well.

CJ, first, lost to Josh Kerr with a heat total of five points.

Brett Simpson was then castrated and burnt, a combined two-wave total of seven points.

Kolohe, meanwhile, the relentless cuckolder of dismal white eunuchs who beg to lap at their spouse’s cream pie (click here), was the surprise loss of the day, dismissed by the almost middle-aged Australian Kai Otton.

On the WSL ratings, CJ has dropped five places to 36th, one place under the Rip Curl wildcard Mason Ho. Brett Simpson is in 29th position and Kolohe Andino remains in contention for requalification at 26.

The laughs continued at the jet ski rodeo, below. Julian Wilson, another last-placer, said: “I didn’t want to catch the medium ones as I didn’t want to hop on the skis. It was chaotic. The guys are really inexperienced.”

The commentator Ross Williams, whose current form is best described as “sizzling” didn’t disappoint. “Oh no, I lost Joel Parkinson,” he mimicked. “I’m going to be big trouble!”